Dating the poly-curious. Yes or no?

C

Cleo

New member
I had one relationship with a guy I met on OKC who said right at the beginning when we started messaging: I never heard of this poly stuff, hm sounds interesting, maybe it's for me, hm yeah ok let's try it.

I ended up dating him for 9 months or so, and during that time it became increasingly clear that while he liked the idea of poly, the practice of it was way too much for him to handle. He didn't really like it when I mentioned other partners, he had no clue wether he wanted to date others or be just with me and talking about that upset him, etc. It wasn't the only reason we broke up but it was one of the main reasons, and after that I kind of promised myself I wouldn't date the poly-curious anymore, only guys who are committed to non monogamy. Experience isn't really necessary, but they should at least be familiar with the concept, and feel that that is how they want to live their life. It;s very much tied to being open and honest, too - I remember meeting my bf's parents and he did not want them to know that I was married, not did he tell any of his friends about me, etc.

Fast forward today, I'm seeing Bo for over a year now, and he is completely committed to his non monogamous life, and open about the fact that he has two girlfriends. So no problems there. But since my other relationship, with a man I had a very adventurous sexual relationship with, has ended, I find myself browsing OKC every now and then.

I'm not really looking for another serious relationship but I also don't want to rule out that that could happen. Anyway, I was approached by a smart and witty and interesting guy. And he says Hm, poly, never thought of that, maybe it's for me.
And I think, well, if this is going to be just a casual thing, maybe there's no harm in dating a poly-curious guy. And then I think, but what if feelings do develop? Am I setting myself up for another heartbreak here? Better to stick to my own rule?

I was just wondering if others here have doubts or second thoughts about getting involved with people who are just testing the poly waters?
 
After my experience with my ex-boyfriend, I would be very cautious about dating someone who's "poly-curious." His AdultFriendFinder profile stated that he wanted someone who was okay with non-monogamy. When we met, he told me he thought he might be polyamorous, and that it was something he and his ex-wife had discussed when she told him she wasn't interested in men sexually anymore but didn't necessarily want to end their marriage.

Fast-forward several months, during which he tried going on a date with another woman and told me repeatedly in the days before and after the date that he felt like he was cheating on me even though I encouraged him to go (and in fact I had a date with my other boyfriend the same day), decided that he wanted to be exclusive with me because it seemed easier, and became increasingly uncomfortable with the realization that he was dating a married woman and the "wrong person" might find out. In the end, his fear contributed to the demise of our relationship, and he's now got a mono girlfriend.

So anyone I date would have to be definite that he's either poly-friendly or polyamorous himself, because I'm not putting myself through that shit again. And honestly, I would prefer a guy who's monoamorous but poly-friendly, because my current relationship with Woody is driving home all the reasons I really, really don't want to deal with a partner who has other partners.
 
Cleo said:
I'm not really looking for another serious relationship but I also don't want to rule out that that could happen.......
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I have not run into the jealousy or social pressure that either of you describe, but I have run into an awful lot of equating "multiple relationships" with "casual sex." Most men that I meet just cannot understand why any guy would give his heart to a woman who would be keeping up other relationships once things got serious. In their view, any women who is running extended simultaneous relationships is someone who noncommittal and only looking for casual sex or FWBs: she is not the girl you bring home to mom. Most men I meet think it's hot to date a married woman and are sexually intrigued by the poly concept, but when it comes to a serious relationship - no way. It's not the multiple sex partners that men (and most women) find hard to get and in fact, a lot of men think this is extremely attractive. It's the multiple love partners that non-poly or even poly-curious men cannot even begin to embrace. So if you're fine with things not getting serious, then you should have no end of takers, but if you want the possibility of allowing for a deep love relationship, then you've got to be clear from the outset that this is what you want, otherwise you'll run into heartache months down the line.
 
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I am not sure. What do people mean by poly curious these days? There certainly are those who will be comfortable with any situation as long as it is not LOVE. I have freaked out people even before that point, too. There was this guy who dumped his girlfriend after kissing me, he said it made him realize he did not love her, that was weird and much more than I intented.

I used to think that it would be best to date poly people. I talked with my husband for years before he was ready. Then I fell in love with guy who certainly liked to play the field with his girlfriend's sort of blessing, but my oh my none of them had expected him to fall for me - it really lasted too long and was too messy. After him, I found that I was not that attracted to any of the poly people I met, although they were sweet there were not any sparks. So I met a guy who were not even poly curious, he was mono, and here I am 2 years later. I am not sure he is a 100 % comfortable with sharing me, but those are the terms and I know he feels more loved that he ever have been before, so I can only hope to make him happy.
 
I don't really "date" but anyone who is interested in being with me in any fashion will have to at least be poly-friendly. Since I have considered myself poly before it was a term, I had to figure out my own ways of navigating the "non-monogamous" realm. I think I did ok.

Anyone who I would see, or interact with romantically or sexually, would know that I have a husband and a boyfriend...and would have to be OK with that. Since I don't generally socialize outside of our "friend/acquiantence" circle...well they would have to be at least "curious" to hit on me (or respond to my advances).

I used to say that I only sleep with "straight" women (lesbians generally seem to shun bisexual women, so I have had my best experiences with straight/bi-curious women). Now-a-days I would say that I also have better results with mono/poly-curious people as well. After all, the majority of people ID as hetero and mono. A certain percentage of people are curious. How will they know if they are bi/poly(/kinky/whatever) unless they try it out and see if it works for them? I am ok with being a "test subject" = I am open to "true love" but OK with relationships that don't go there, I don't easily yield my heart but I am not easily heartbroken.

Someone has to be these "curious" peoples' "first try" - I think it might be better if that were someone who was relatively experiences and aware of their own responses.

(Curious that in my younger years I was turned off to being someone's "first" - I had a "no virgins" rule. Now? I am OK with being someone's first woman/bi/poly/group sex experience...go figure.)
 
I am not specifically looking to fall in love with everyone I "date" (or maybe better put as I don't only date people that I want to be in a serious relationship with). For that reason I would have no problem going out with someone who was just trying out poly. I just wouldn't take it seriously until they knew how they felt about it.
 
All three of my partners were totally inexperienced about poly before meeting me. They all had a sort of basic knowledge about non-monogamy - at least that it exists. So they were in the "poly-curious" box so to say. Most clearly this is true about Jeremy, my newest boyfriend. He was very open and honest in the beginning of our relationship that he'd see how this would work out before making any bigger commitments to me. He did not know his reactions to sharing a partner or to the reality of "kitchen table poly life". So far it has worked out nicely and the relationship has been very easy and smooth.

So in my case it has paid off to date the poly-curious. Probably I've just been very lucky to meet the right individuals, too.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
I am ok with being a "test subject" = I am open to "true love" but OK with relationships that don't go there, I don't easily yield my heart but I am not easily heartbroken.

Someone has to be these "curious" peoples' "first try"
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This seems to be the key: If you're OK with being the nutcracker and do not easily get emotionally attached, then poly-curious people can be great fun. But if you're like me and likely to develop an early fondness for partners (and attract people who develop an early fondness for partners,) then dabbling with poly-curious people can be ouchy. There is no way that I could or would want to hold back my heart while testing the waters. But then again, dating in general can be ouchy no matter who you are or what you're into. So much comes down to the individuals and to what extent they are respectful, experienced, game and basically my kind of people.
 
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I try not to date newbies anymore... It tends to take more time than I have. I have friends to see, two relationships to maintain, and will soon have a kid to take care of as well. I don't have the extra time to invest in someone that isn't sure they would even WANT to be a part of my life. If there would probably be a friendship at the end even if there's not a romantic relationship? Sure. But my friends and my romantic partners are usually from different pools of people.
 
I'd be open to dating a poly-curious person who was single or trying out multiple solo-poly style relationships. I'd be nervous about getting my heart broken if they decided poly wasn't for them, but for the right person I'd risk it ;)

I will not be the "test-drive" for a long term couple who is attempting to open up their relationship for the very first time. There's just too much potential for drama and pain.

The first couple of men I dated after opening my marriage had to suffer through my growing pains and it was awful for them. My husband and I never even had a veto rule and I STILL broke up with those guys every time I thought my husband might be feeling jealous or neglected :rolleyes:

But karma got me eventually, when I dated a newbie and had to weather his wife's bizarre rules and attempts to control everything. When my boyfriend and I had been dating for six months, I thought that everything was finally stable all around. Until I woke up to the classic my-wife-says-I-can't-see-you-anymore email. And never heard from him again :(

I know somebody has to be the first when a couple opens up, but I just don't have it in me to go through that again. For me there's just something about having my relationship ended by an uninvolved third party that is orders of magnitude more painful than other break-ups. If I'm dating a partnered guy, I want to know both he and his partner are capable of "good poly" before I get involved.
 
And I think, well, if this is going to be just a casual thing, maybe there's no harm in dating a poly-curious guy. And then I think, but what if feelings do develop? Am I setting myself up for another heartbreak here? Better to stick to my own rule?
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Why did you make the guideline for yourself in the first place? Does it hold water here? If so, stick with it. Skip dating the poly curious. They can cut their teeth with other partners. It doesn't have to be with you.

If you are at a place where you are willing to bend the rule or guideline, and you are prepared to pay the price of admission? (Which seems to be "I am willing to get emotionally attached to this guy and then deal with the fall out if we break up.") Then bend the guideline and enjoy yourself.

Only you know what you can afford to pay at this time out of your emotional wallet. If things in your life right now are big stress with work, family or whatever else -- don't go buying that potential stress bag because you don't have the space for that size load right now.

I was just wondering if others here have doubts or second thoughts about getting involved with people who are just testing the poly waters?
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Me? Too much for me right now. But that's me -- with eldercare to be doing and my own chronic patient management stuff I really REALLY don't want stress that I can avoid in my life. I am super picky about who I spend my down time with because I don't often have enough of it.

If I were at a different place in those life areas, then I would be more willing to taking a small risk like dating a poly-curious person in my down time. It could be fun. And I've dealt with break up feelings before. Not fun, but neither is it the end of the world to me. I know I can hack it. It's an inherent risk to dating anyone -- that it might break up because it is not a match.

But I am not you. You have to assess your life stressors at this point in time and what you can/cannot afford to pay right now emotionally.

Maybe it's the guideline phrasing that needs updating? Rather than "No dating poly curious people" change to "I don't add stress to my life when I can avoid it. I only take stress risks of X size when I am actually able to take them on board" or something?

You don't seem opposed to you dating poly curious. You just don't seem sure you are willing and able to go there at this time. Like you need help gauging the stress load you might be up for right now.

  • Like dating poly people comes with the normal dating stress of (sorting if you are compatible) or not. Single load stress.
  • But dating poly curious people comes with the normal dating stress of (sorting if you are compatible or not) + (dealing with them figuring out "am I even in the right place?" as they figure themselves out.) Which fine for them to do, but it means double load stress for you.

Galagirl
 
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FallenAngelina said:
It's not the multiple sex partners that men (and most women) find hard to get and in fact, a lot of men think this is extremely attractive. It's the multiple love partners that non-poly or even poly-curious men cannot even begin to embrace. So if you're fine with things not getting serious, then you should have no end of takers, but if you want the possibility of allowing for a deep love relationship, then you've got to be clear from the outset that this is what you want, otherwise you'll run into heartache months down the line.
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So true that it's multiple love that is hard for people to get. I was telling some friends about the fact that I am spending part of Christmas with my BF, and I got some weird looks and I know it's because (even after I've been seeing him for well over a year) they still think that he is just a casual FWB or something.

FallenAngelina said:
This seems to be the key: If you're OK with being the nutcracker and do not easily get emotionally attached, then poly-curious people can be great fun. But if you're like me and likely to develop an early fondness for partners (and attract people who develop an early fondness for partners,) then dabbling with poly-curious people can be ouchy. There is no way that I could or would want to hold back my heart while testing the waters. But then again, dating in general can be ouchy no matter who you are or what you're into. So much comes down to the individuals and to what extent they are respectful, experienced, game and basically my kind of people.
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Like you, I develop 'early fondness' (love that phrasing). Which is probably the reason I am hesitant right now. I'm not hesitant about this specific guy anymore because browsing his OKC answers revealed some less fortunate character traits, but it is a subject that will come up again I'm sure. I don't want to step into something with ready made boundaries (other than the obvious ones about health and safety) and want to approach every new connection like it has all the possibilities.

GirlfromTexlahoma said:
I know somebody has to be the first when a couple opens up, but I just don't have it in me to go through that again. For me there's just something about having my relationship ended by an uninvolved third party that is orders of magnitude more painful than other break-ups. If I'm dating a partnered guy, I want to know both he and his partner are capable of "good poly" before I get involved.
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GirlfromTexlahoma, this reminded me of my early dating experiences after becoming non monogamous. I went out with a number of guys who had just opened up their relationship, and they would start out talking about that like it was a mutual decision, but after a while it would become clear that it was more the situation that she had cheated or fallen in love, they had opened up and he was now 'allowed' to also date. There was a lot of pain and anger and bitterness in those guys that was very unattractive. So I guess I'd much rather date a single newbie than a newbie couple.
 
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GalaGirl said:
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You don't seem opposed to you dating poly curious. You just don't seem sure you are willing and able to go there at this time. Like you need help gauging the stress load you might be up for right now.

  • Like dating poly people comes with the normal dating stress of (sorting if you are compatible) or not. Single load stress.
  • But dating poly curious people comes with the normal dating stress of (sorting if you are compatible or not) + (dealing with them figuring out "am I even in the right place?" as they figure themselves out.) Which fine for them to do, but it means double load stress for you.
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I am not very good at gauging the stress load I am up for, that's true. I tend to think of new relationships as something that will bring joy, connection, fun, affection. I tend to forget that because I fall for people pretty quickly, new connections are also a pitfall that often bring insecurities, worry and stress. By the time I do realize that, someone is already occupying a little nook of my heart and I feel like I have to put up with the stress because I have started to care and I don't want to lose them.

Assessing stress at an earlier stage would definitely be something that could be helpful.
 
Maybe my whole conundrum about this isn't so much about wether or not I should date the poly-curious, but about wether or not I could be able to handle a more casual relationship besides the 2 serious ones I already have?

I have had this only once in my life, a kind of FWB type connection with a guy I saw on and off for a year and half or so, meeting about once every 2 months, we had drinks and we talked and we had sex and then I went home and in between dates I rarely thought of him. I liked him, enjoyed his company, and I never wanted it to become anything else than what it was.
But all my other relationships have been more 'I am falling for you with lightning speed' kind of things.

Maybe I feel that dating guys who are flakier about their poly-ness, or newbies, are a bigger challenge because of my tendency to fall fast and hard?
 
Cleo said:
.....because I fall for people pretty quickly, new connections are also a pitfall that often bring insecurities, worry and stress. By the time I do realize that, someone is already occupying a little nook of my heart and I feel like I have to put up with the stress because I have started to care and I don't want to lose them.

Assessing stress at an earlier stage would definitely be something that could be helpful.
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Cleo, I am exactly the same. I am able to have FWBs, but when I'm dating, I am looking for love connections and my heart is my guide. One thing I've recently begun to take seriously are my "stress" and worry feelings. I've begun to see them less as nuisances to be overcome and more as very accurate and necessary guidance. There's so much that my intuition has access to than my brain can even begin knowing and my "worry level" is a pretty good early indicator of the extent to which something is off. Insecurities are something to be worked on for sure, but I'm finding more and more that they are also to be respected. I'm in a new relationship that actually feels great (and I'm finally feeling what stress-free NRE is all about) and even tho this new guy is super attentive and loving, I still have a few insecurities that bubble up. I'm finding it helpful to see these insecure thoughts less as something to fight and more as guidance to be embraced - guidance that is telling me to slow down and back off, even if just a little. I so relate to your approach to new love and it's a wonderful thing to keep an open heart as life goes along. I am finding that the only way to happily proceed after heartache is to not become more guarded, but to open up even more, open my heart, my intuitive guidance and all of my inner resources.
 
There's no certainty that someone who has been poly for years is doing it "well" (where "well" is in a way that is going to be compatible with how you want to do poly). There's no certainty that someone who has been poly for years isn't going to suddenly have to close off relationships because of an illness or unplanned pregnancy and wanting to focus on children or any number of things. There's no certainty that someone who has been poly for years isn't going to have a controlling existing partner. There's no certainty that any person isn't going to leave you or dump you or break your heart.

Every relationship is going to have growing pains. Every relationship is going to have discussions where you have to feel each other out on what you think poly means, and whether you're compatible as people in the first place. Every relationship is going to have stress and uncertainty and exhilaration and every single relationship is eventually going to end, one way or another.

So in my opinion, date whoever you think is going to be compatible with you. New to poly, not new to poly, whatever.

The whole falling hard and fast thing is, I think, an entirely separate issue. I don't have very good advice for it because it doesn't happen to me very often, but I'm sorry that's happened to you.
 
AutumnLeaves said:
There's no certainty that someone who has been poly for years is doing it "well" (where "well" is in a way that is going to be compatible with how you want to do poly). There's no certainty that someone who has been poly for years isn't going to suddenly have to close off relationships because of an illness or unplanned pregnancy and wanting to focus on children or any number of things. There's no certainty that someone who has been poly for years isn't going to have a controlling existing partner. There's no certainty that any person isn't going to leave you or dump you or break your heart.

Every relationship is going to have growing pains. Every relationship is going to have discussions where you have to feel each other out on what you think poly means, and whether you're compatible as people in the first place. Every relationship is going to have stress and uncertainty and exhilaration and every single relationship is eventually going to end, one way or another.
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YES that is all so true. Thank you for reminding me. There is no certainty. Hi, I am Cleo, desperately looking for certainty.
 
I guess I would be open to dating the poly-curious. But I might be extra watchful and careful as things progressed.
 
I think the most important factor isn't their experience actually doing poly, but rather their self-awareness and willingness to work through difficult emotions without expecting someone else to change their behaviour.

My gf was my first real-life poly experience. I'd been on this forum for 2 years at that point, so I had a lot of second-hand exposure to what seems to work and what doesn't, but none of my own. I'd always known that I was non-monogamous, and putting it into practice was just a matter of the right person coming into my life. We're going on 4 years now and things are rock solid, so I'd say that's a success story.

Perhaps a critical difference here is that I wasn't "poly curious," I was fully identified as poly but just hadn't had the opportunity to live it, just like bi/gay people can know their orientation without necessarily having a same-sex experience.

As for the poly curious, I think willingness depends a lot on how fast and hard you tend to fall in love. My husband was the exception to the rule that I never fall in love quickly. I'm guarded and I'm usually the one lagging behind on that front. I also have a good sense of when things are just more trouble than they're worth, and quick to cut the ropes. There's just too much awesomeness possible in life to waste time wading through sludge. My time is better spent on things that bring me joy. So I would have no objections to "training" a newbie, but they would have to be up to the challenge, willing to work through their shit on their own and not expect me to fix their problems. There's so much material available now (books, movies, websites, the forum) that there's really no reason someone can't negotiate these challenges, it's just a question of will.
 
My experience with poly-corious: awful, NEVER again!!! After him knowing and agreeing with a poly relationship, things were developing well, or so I thought. Then I got a text (yesterday) saying that he's seeing someone else (for like a week) and she's not into polyamory. It was a funny text, now I think he didn't really got the point, it was such a casual text, like "hey, funny fact, I started seeing someone else and she doesn't like to share". It left me heartbroken, more than I expected. And I think he doesn't even get it... I never want to feel like this again, so no more poly-courious people for me!!
 
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