I find myself at the same place again!

GalaGirl said:
I am sorry your NYE was disappointing.

As I understand it, current agreements are

"Date your BF. You can bring him around the house when I'm not there. I don't want to see him. I don't want you to tell me about him."​

So then...

  • DH is home to keep his NYE date with you. He wants to talk about what you guys can do together.
  • Instead of (talking with DH about what to do together on your NYE date) you start talking about (You + BF being grateful)
  • DH gets mad because you are breaking agreement to not talk to DH about your BF
  • You are surprised DH is mad you cross that line.

If you cannot keep that agreement of not talking to DH about your BF, you could tell DH and either renegotiate agreements or let either BF or DH go.

You can basically date this BF in a "Don't ask, don't tell" model. You are not going to get "cozy share everything" model here. Are you not happy with a DADT model? :confused:





I wonder if what he means is...

DH isn't feeling appreciated because recently he consented to you bringing the BF around. Before the old agreement was that DH not see him, you don't talk about him, and you don't bring him to the house. So maybe he felt like he had given something for you to feel more comfortable. But here you are talking about the BF on New Year's Eve. NOT honoring things in the agreement that help DH feel comfortable.

You express you and BF are grateful (talk) but you do not DO grateful. (keeping agreement actions).

DH could ASK you to dump the BF. You could say yes or no. But he cannot ORDER you to do it. So why choose to get upset about that at this time? You know the reality. That to me is a side trip.

SHORT TERM
I think you could you could apologize to DH for talking to him about your BF and breaking agreement rather than focussing on your NYE date with DH.
Ask him what things you ARE allowed to talk about -- just calendar and sex health labs? Get more clarity on that so you can better keep the agreement in future.

LONG TERM
Once clarified, I think you could focus on holding up your side of the agreement better.

And take a step back to assess if a DADT model is something you even enjoy or not. Otherwise making agreements to sustain such a model is moot.

Galagirl
Click to expand...
Thanks Galagirl for your insight.

I have never been an advocate for DADT model, it doesn't fit into my context of who I am and have discussed this several times to DH.

On that note, I have agreed to it, to an extent, specifically if he is sharing that leads to an opening to share back, my own happiness and expand it with his.

However, what I do not take lightly is his disposition of ordering me around. The reality of that is what has me upset the rest I can deal with but the idea that he is under the impression to command me makes me want to vomit! I have never been transparent enough where there is an impression of an on and off switch to me or have I , if so I need to get this in check ASAP!
 
I can appreciate you wanting DH to get clear on that ASAP.

Basically DH cannot control your behavior. Only his own.

1) He could ASK if you would be willing to dump BF and wait for your yes/no answer. He cannot ORDER you to.

2) DH could withdraw/continue his willingness to participate in poly with you.

You could do same things.

What I am suggesting is that you wait for DH to cool off. That could be helpful so he's not struggling to hear you over his own emotions. This conversation doesn't have to happen tonight, barely 24 hours since the argument. IME, it takes me 3 days to get over the adrenalin dump. Otherwise I risk re-triggering and I'm no good in productive conversation because I'm still hot under the collar. You entering into conversation when you are still hot under the collar is not good either.

So maybe taking a few days time out could help get both cooler headed and get this important conversation done more effectively?

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I can appreciate you wanting DH to get clear on that ASAP.

Basically DH cannot control your behavior. Only his own.

1) He could ASK if you would be willing to dump BF and wait for your yes/no answer. He cannot ORDER you to.

2) DH could withdraw/continue his willingness to participate in poly with you.

You could do same things.

What I am suggesting is that you wait for DH to cool off. That could be helpful so he's not struggling to hear you over his own emotions. This conversation doesn't have to happen tonight, barely 24 hours since the argument. IME, it takes me 3 days to get over the adrenalin dump. Otherwise I risk re-triggering and I'm no good in productive conversation because I'm still hot under the collar. You entering into conversation when you are still hot under the collar is not good either.

So maybe taking a few days time out could help get both cooler headed and get this important conversation done more effectively?

Galagirl
Click to expand...
Galagirl,

You are correct, right now is not the best time to discuss it further. I can't even concentrate on getting work done today as it is clear this is bothering to the max!
 
So DH has a GF and is fine with that, but not really fine with you having BF to the point of not wanting to hear about him? DH feels he can control your relationships? Do you have this implied veto power as well? Things are going very well with BF, DH is being an ass, but you are considering dumping BF and not DH?

I think you need to sit DH and tell him how it is. I would not find that behavior acceptable in a partner. He needs to work on his jealousy and control issues.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Things are going very well with BF, DH is being an ass, but you are considering dumping BF and not DH?
Click to expand...

That is rather puzzling to me, too. I would not tolerate a partner assuming he is my boss and in control of my life. He would have to keep that shit in check, closely examine his belief systems, and make adjustments to how he views me if he doesn't want to come home to find all the locks changed.
 
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Personally, I would probably do the same as Timeloardess... Yeah, the husband is being an ass and the boyfriend sounds like a good person.

Problem is, she's entangled with the husband. She can't just pack her bags and say "Okay, see ya, gonna be with someone I get along better with." They're legally married, or so it sounds like. They have children together. They share finances, a household, etc.

The boyfriend might be the better partner, but the husband is the one who is fully involved and entangled in her life, and if she leaves him she might have a whole lot more to lose than if she leaves the boyfriend. Dumping the boyfriend means her husband *won't* be an ass (in theory), and the marriage *won't* be in danger of falling apart, and she *won't* have to worry about losing housing, losing custody of kids, fighting in court, not being able to pay bills, etc.

Dumping her husband means she would have to worry about all of the above, there's no guarantee her boyfriend would be at all supportive or would help her find housing, deal with the court fight, pay her bills, etc.

Sometimes the devil you know is better than the unknown...
 
I know leaving an entangled partnership like marriage is difficult. However, sometimes it takes the possibility of leaving to shake sense into a partner who is not seeing how their behaviors negatively affect the people they love and are destroying the connection/bond that the marriage is built on. I'm not saying to make an idle threat but to seriously consider ending the marriage and let that choice be known as a real possibility if things go unchanged.
 
Update

It's been awhile since I posted, a lot has gone on in my relationship with BF and with DH. This weekend was the breaking point between me and DH. He gave me an ultimatum to either be with him or with BF. Me and DH relationship has not been going well since April, we have tried off an on to help it and typically when I have a BF things do get better between me and DH, but this time it didn't. There was less time he wanted to spend with me and more time that I left me open to spend with BF. To make a long story short, I didn't like the ultimatum and choose my BF; I was fairly angry at DH when I did that. That was three days ago and now DH is not even interested in trying to reconcile with me at all. He left our home for two days and then asked to come back to stay until he gets a place. I think he might of stayed with his GF but then something happen to him. He has been pushing for a quick divorce since coming back. He didn't give me a time frame of how long he will continue to stay, but I did ask him if he was going to be stay longer than two weeks to work on building a relationship with me again, he said no he wouldn't do that since I choose someone else over him.

Meanwhile, BF is interested in moving to the next level in our relationship. I am not sure if it is because he doesn't want me to be alone with the kids or sees how hard it can be for me or what. BF has spent the past few days helping me with them and it has been nice distraction from what is going on in the house for the children. I am not sure where that will go, I just never expect for all this to happen. I guess now I know how jealous DH was of BF, it was more than him just being an x co-worker, but he knew there were some qualities in BF that he was lacking. The last thing tonight DH said before saying he wouldn't attempt a relationship with me was that he knew that our relationship had been lost two weeks ago, but he didn't try to do anything different either.
 
I am sorry to hear things have been so tumultuous.

You and DH have chosen to divorce. (He is not up for trying to reconcile even though you are. )

I think the rest is just sorting divorce out. Getting it done as amicably and quickly as possible is better than dragging it out, IMHO.

Don't be in a rush though to step it up with the BF. It's nice he's willing to help, but that's all it has to be right now. Help through the divorce patch with the kid care the times you have to be in court or lawyer offices.

Divorce is already #2 on the stress scale for you and the kids. No need to add more changing things on top of it. Spread some of that stuff out over time so the intensity isn't as hard hitting.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
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Hi timeloardess,

That's sad that your husband could not accept your relationship with your boyfriend. I think you're doing the best you can under the circumstances.

Sympathies,
Kevin T.
 
Hi there, I am sorry to read your news. I know from experience how upsetting a divorce can be, but it is likely the best solution since DH was unwilling to meet you in the middle. It will be hard for a while, but you are strong and you can get through it. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
 
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