Let me first start off by recognizing the fact that my ideals do not fit in with those of most people here. I am adamantly, and un-apologetically monogamous, and I have zero interest in going the route of opening our marriage on a physical, as well as emotional/romantic basis. My wife knows this, and accepts this. Many of you know my story, and for those that don't, you can read about it or pm me for questions/details. It's not something that I am going to repeat the dozens of long winded posts over at this time.
That being said. We just celebrated our 17th anniversary this past weekend. In the days leading up to it, things seems to have been going well. We spent the entire day/evening just out & about doing things together. However, in the evening, as we're leaving the parking lot of the movie theater, she noticed on Facebook, that one of her online gaming friends had passed away due to complications of a stroke. Needless to say, it put a damper on the rest of the weekend. Understandably so. Even though she wasn't particularly close with this person, it was a blow to the entire community of their game. I get it, and my condolences go out to any of them affected.
To give a little background and to avoid potential confusion, it's important to point out that I had served my wife an ultimatum regarding one person in particular, whom I felt that his presence was severely creating a negative impact on our marriage - that as long as she continued to communicate with him, I would not be comfortable in our marriage. She agreed to sever ties with him. I know it sounds unreasonable, but the fact is, that it hurt way too much to know that there was a possibility that this budding relationship (whether romantic or platonic) was causing her to virtually ignore me and leave me to fend for myself in grieving the loss of my father at the time. And once she came out as poly 6 months later, there seemed to be no effort to allow me to take the time to process this. The very next day, she was back to spending the entire day with him online, while I sat on the couch wondering what the hell had just happened.
On Sunday, we had our first real conversation about the topic in months. I began to feel a little better when she mentioned that part of the reason she avoided me, was that she simply had trouble figuring out how to be supportive to me. I've never really taken loss of family members so hard before, so she's never really had to console me like that. But this was different. It was my dad. But at least now, I don't have this feeling that she just simply didn't care. She admitted that the timing for everything was poor. And she does have her own mental illness to contend with. At the time, I guess I just thought that one time of me needing a rock to lean on in her wasn't such an unreasonable expectation. But it's done, over with, and we can move on.
Now to get to the meat of the matter (sorry it took so long, I'm just trying to be as thorough as possible). I began contemplating the possibility of working out an agreement, in which she will begin to be able to speak with him again. Just to be clear, I never expressly forbade it, it was her decision all along, but I was ready to leave if it continued. But under the right circumstances, I think that there may be some room for both he and I in her life. And although I have a few conditions that, if met, could make this a possibility, I'm afraid that this might not be something that I could be comfortable with either way. The last thing I want to do, is keep going back & forth on this, and leave her in a perpetual state of wondering if and when I'm going to freak out.
Are there any suggestions out there about how to get the ball rolling, without either one of us feeling like emotional yo-yos?
That being said. We just celebrated our 17th anniversary this past weekend. In the days leading up to it, things seems to have been going well. We spent the entire day/evening just out & about doing things together. However, in the evening, as we're leaving the parking lot of the movie theater, she noticed on Facebook, that one of her online gaming friends had passed away due to complications of a stroke. Needless to say, it put a damper on the rest of the weekend. Understandably so. Even though she wasn't particularly close with this person, it was a blow to the entire community of their game. I get it, and my condolences go out to any of them affected.
To give a little background and to avoid potential confusion, it's important to point out that I had served my wife an ultimatum regarding one person in particular, whom I felt that his presence was severely creating a negative impact on our marriage - that as long as she continued to communicate with him, I would not be comfortable in our marriage. She agreed to sever ties with him. I know it sounds unreasonable, but the fact is, that it hurt way too much to know that there was a possibility that this budding relationship (whether romantic or platonic) was causing her to virtually ignore me and leave me to fend for myself in grieving the loss of my father at the time. And once she came out as poly 6 months later, there seemed to be no effort to allow me to take the time to process this. The very next day, she was back to spending the entire day with him online, while I sat on the couch wondering what the hell had just happened.
On Sunday, we had our first real conversation about the topic in months. I began to feel a little better when she mentioned that part of the reason she avoided me, was that she simply had trouble figuring out how to be supportive to me. I've never really taken loss of family members so hard before, so she's never really had to console me like that. But this was different. It was my dad. But at least now, I don't have this feeling that she just simply didn't care. She admitted that the timing for everything was poor. And she does have her own mental illness to contend with. At the time, I guess I just thought that one time of me needing a rock to lean on in her wasn't such an unreasonable expectation. But it's done, over with, and we can move on.
Now to get to the meat of the matter (sorry it took so long, I'm just trying to be as thorough as possible). I began contemplating the possibility of working out an agreement, in which she will begin to be able to speak with him again. Just to be clear, I never expressly forbade it, it was her decision all along, but I was ready to leave if it continued. But under the right circumstances, I think that there may be some room for both he and I in her life. And although I have a few conditions that, if met, could make this a possibility, I'm afraid that this might not be something that I could be comfortable with either way. The last thing I want to do, is keep going back & forth on this, and leave her in a perpetual state of wondering if and when I'm going to freak out.
Are there any suggestions out there about how to get the ball rolling, without either one of us feeling like emotional yo-yos?
