New needing advide from those who know

Elise

Elise

New member
I am so very new here on this forum and to the lifestyle. My hubs and I have been talking about it for years but just recently have been trying to do what it takes to make it our healthy reality.

I read something in another thread that Lovebunny said about the troublesome situation of presenting oneself as a package deal to prospective lovers. It really hit home with me. I think that is sort of the direction my hubs and are were going. It could limit my chooses to bi women, but what if I fall for a lesbian?

Right now in our very new adventure into poly there would potentially be a problem if I fell for a lesbian woman because my husband would like to maybe be involved if we have sex. He is not necessarily interested in having sex with my imaginary lover, but would like to be there with us... Compursion I think is the term... As well as maybe have sex with me.

My question is this.... We can't help very much who we love, so do we do a screening before we have a chance to love? Like "hey I'm married, are you ok with that because we are not divorcing"?

I would love advice and experiential stories from you!
 
Polyamory does not require threesomes. If that's what you and your husband want that's fine, but don't expect that the women you're approaching about the idea will want to have anything to do with it.

Have you read this: So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

Edit: Also, "compersion" is generally understood to be a feeling of happiness about your partner's happiness; it has absolutely nothing to do with being present during sex. If you came home from a date all bubbly and seeing that made your hubby happy, that would be compersion.
 
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Thanks for the feedback. I don't really know what you mean by getting his end in? You mean an expectation that he is allowed in our activities if he wants to be?

I am a little bit educated about unicorn hunting and I really don't want to be so limited in choosing a female lover. It is a lot to ask of someone: love me but be ok I'm married, be ok with my husband watching us have sex or touching me while we have sex. Finding someone to love me AT ALL for goodness sake.

I think because of the newness he is more comfortable if we don't have sex alone. That is also why I'm asking if I should "screen" my potential lovers? Sounds so unsexy and unromantic... Is there an alternative to this?

Ps I totally missed "advide" in my title. Haha
 
I edited that bit out of my edit because I mis-read your post and thought your husband expected to be able to have sex with any women you became involved with.

As I said, if "threesomes only" is what you and your husband want, then go for it. Just don't expect anyone to fall over themselves in an effort to sign up. That sort of thinking basically turns the new woman into a sex toy for the benefit of the existing couple, and most experienced poly people wouldn't touch such an arrangement with a 10-foot pole.

Why can't you each find your own partner? If it turns out that there's a spark between you and his new girlfriend or him and yours, great! If not, why not be happy having separate relationships?
 
Why not find our own partner and if there is a spark, great! Well...

I think I might be a little bit intimidated by this. I have emotional issues still to work through. Jealousy and such. My husband went through a very difficult few months and really had to focus on himself for a while (multiple close family deaths, retired from the military, full time student stay at home dad and more). He began to question his life's direction and felt as if he may be having a crisis of sorts. I did not resent this journey, but it was very hard for me. I have been neglected as a result of his needs over the past several months for self discovery.

Long back story I know. So I have communicated to him this information that I need some extra nurturing and he understands and is doing this for me. BUT I am feeling a bit insecure about the idea of NRE he will have when I feel like I need to be the focus of some of that (a rekindling of sorts). There is no fear of our relationship ending... It's something else that is hard to define.

So if I find a love... He is more open than I am in the case of women but as of now feels insecure in the way I do if I found a man (which is not on my radar at this time, I'm only feeling a pull for feminine affection). Because of my insecurities of him being with new women he is imposing the same upon me. If I were to be more open he feels he would have the same openness. Am I making sense?

I suppose these are the reasons we are not just pursuing our own relationships.

Is it weird to be up front that we are married and dating? Should that be something that waits to be said on a 3rd 4th date? Help the poly virgin. 😊

Thank you Emm <3
 
In my opinion, you definitely need to be up front about the fact that you are married--and ESPECIALLY about the fact that your husband wants to be present when you have sex with any other partner.

Personally, that would squick the hell out of me, but other people might get off on it...

I think it's a bit different from unicorn hunting, in that you aren't necessarily expecting a partner to have sex with both you and your husband, but you are expecting your partner to be okay with your husband being in the same room. A lot of people aren't going to be open to that. A lot of people also aren't open to threesomes, because polyamory =/= threesomes.

So because of the expectation that if you have sex with someone else, your husband would be present, and your partner would accept that, in my opinion it's vital that you let any prospective partner know up front that that's going to be the case. Others might disagree, but personally, I would be seriously pissed off if I became interested enough in someone to have sex with them, and only then found out that I'd be expected to put on a show for their spouse.
 
It's best to have a solid foundation before starting to get into poly. It sounds like you and your husband need to concentrate on your existing relationship before you start adding more people to the mix.
Elise said:
Is it weird to be up front that we are married and dating? Should that be something that waits to be said on a 3rd 4th date?
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Most people are going to assume that anyone trying to chat them up is single because that's the only way they're used to thinking of someone as being available to date. You need to let them make an informed decision about what they're getting themselves into, so in my opinion telling them you're married is necessary—with the possible exception of if you're just after a one-nighter.
 
I had a eureka moment, please enjoy it with me!

I found this awesome little piece in another thread. I still feel I need some extra nurturing but! but! but! This post lifted a huge weight from me. I think this is what my husband has been trying to explain to me, however he just wasn't doing it in a way that I could understand. THIS I understand. He was telling me that he doesn't need nor does he want another wife and kids because that space is already filled in his heart. He told me that we share dreams of our future, a home and history that isn't replaceable.

I think my heart was trapped in a monogamous emotional pattern -- a cyclical pattern that I could not perceive being any other shape than a closed circle. I am honestly so excited I could burst! I can't wait to share my eureka moment with my hubby!

Working on us before we add others is important but I believe it is something that can be done simultaneously. I am not in a position of fear of loss for our marriage... It's more like a maintenance issue. Thankfully communication has been a point of strength in our relationship and if I feel like he starts slacking I am able to tell him and vice versa.

A long standing issue between us is that he has a deep desire for lots of lovey-dovey emotional affection. He and I both have come to accept I am not able to fulfill that in the way he really needs. It is a freeing feeling to know that now the responsibility isn't all on me! With men having such a reputation for wanting lots of sex from lots of partners... It is interesting to me that this really isn't his end game (but who knows what the future holds, right?).

It has been challenging for me to have to try to figure this out on my own with my husband. This forum is incredible. I have been a part of it all of 5 seconds and have received great feedback. And then finding an answer to some of my insecure/jealous emotions.

I could hug you right now!!

I'm not saying I have flipped my switch to poly, but now I can really picture my life in a poly relationship. Whereas before my brain knew it was good for me but my heart had a death-grip on monogamy.
 

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Hi Elise,

It sounds like you have found some of the answers you needed, and that is good to hear. As for when and whether to say to someone you're dating that, "Hey, I am married," I would do it within the first few dates at the latest. And, I would tell them soon that if it ever came to sex, my husband would be watching.

Just my take on the matter.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
All my partners know I'm married, right from the get go. Usually I do some texting with them prior to going on that first date. I spoke with my husband PunkRock for a solid month via texting before he scheduled a first date with me - as he wanted to think over the possibilities of dating someone who was already married first. Then while on our first date, he could ask more clarifying questions.

I never anticipated having a second marriage when opening up, but that is what happened. When emotions are involved, things happen. Hell, I didn't even expect to want a third guy in my life, ever, but after meeting WarMan to do a friends with benefits arrangement, even that flew out the window and he's now my boyfriend and will be moving in with me soon.

NONE of my guys are involved with each other or watch me have sex with the others. Everyone's poly is different, and it sounds like yours has some strict structure you are hoping to fit a stranger into. Good luck with that! Most rules like "my husband has to watch" sound like a warning bell to me - you have more emotional work to do. It's okay to want to have something special with your partner - a family, a home, retirement etc. But if your husband falls in love with another who greatly wants that, is he going to be able to just dump her because you want that only for yourself? Once you start opening up, other people's emotions are involved, and it isn't fair to treat them as less than, if they didn't know that they were supposed to stay in a primary-secondary model.
 
Learning learning

The more I read about poly the more I can see what a juvenile view I have of everything. I suppose knowing that about myself is half the battle. I think my insecurities were causing me to create a requirement so specific that we would be single forever or be dating a robot. So, there needs to be some humanizing in our thoughts on this adventure. New plan is no physical intimacy until we discuss it with our spouse. No other rules at this time... Just going to figure it out as a relationship develops.

My hubs and I went on a date to a fancy strip club last night. I had a great time!! He was nervous about letting the women touch him and nervous about touching them (we had a private show). I was sad he didn't enjoy himself more, but he said he didn't know if I was okay with it. I tried encouraging him while we were in the moment, but he couldn't relax. He said next time he will have more fun knowing I liked watching her and him interact. :) We don't celebrate Valentine's Day, but maybe this can be a fun new tradition for the holiday!

The ironic thing is that a woman gave me her phone number so her and I can do a lunch date. She was asking about our marriage how we met and I told her that we just opened up our relationship and I was looking for a woman to date and my hubs was looking for a woman to engage with emotionally. She got super excited and told me about her past in a poly relationship and wanted to get to know me more. She's super cute, nerdy and smart.

However.... I hope she wasn't just wrapped up in the excitement of the atmosphere... I would really like to go in a date with her.
 
Sounds like an enticing prospect. I hope you'll get together with her and have a wonderful time.
 
I am glad you're finding the forum helpful!

Going back to your OP idea of your husband watching or even joining in, your sex with a new lover. No! No! No! I just find that so off putting. I always reject couples on OK Cupid who are looking to "share" me like some kind of sex toy. Plus, 3somes do NOT prevent jealousy or envy. They can, in fact, increase it. If you seem "too" excited by your new partner, your husband might feel "lesser than."

I once had a long term relationship with a poly guy. After we'd been together 2 years, he started dating a married MF couple who were new to poly. The husband was bi as was my partner. But the wife and my partner fell in love, and the husband got so jealous, he made a rule that his wife could only have sex with my partner if he was also in the bed joining in. That didn't prevent the jealousy, since he'd watch the loving looks between my partner and his wife and feel upset. Finally my partner and the wife started sneaking off for one on one time. The husband found out, got even more angry, and told his wife she couldn't even have the 3some sex. But somehow it was OK for him to keep going to see my partner for MM sex!

I don't know how the wife could stand it. But somehow my partner was only thinking of his own penis, and kept on having the gay sex while the woman he loved wasn't allowed to even see him platonically in social situations!

I lost all respect for my partner being involved in this disgusting mess, and broke up with him.
 
Have you read the book, More Than Two? It would be a good thing for your husband and you to go through together - each chapter has questions to discuss and I think it would be helpful to you.
 
Husband has a date and more...

So my husband has a date Thursday with a straight poly woman. It seems he is being drawn to women who far exceed his educational background (he is a grad student, so he is educated) and he says that it intimidates him a little bit. He is excited about it though! I'm not sure what I feel yet, honestly it's no different than before we were open (he met with women before we were open) it is only the context that has changed. I sort of have no feelings about it. I'm happy he's excited, but it really feels likes its just another day. Is that good is that bad?

Magdlyn said:
I am glad you're finding the forum helpful!

Going back to your OP idea of your husband watching or even joining in, your sex with a new lover. No! No! No! I just find that so off putting. I always reject couples on OK Cupid who are looking to "share" me like some kind of sex toy. Plus, 3somes do NOT prevent jealousy or envy. They can, in fact, increase it. If you seem "too" excited by your new partner, your husband might feel "lesser than."
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I was up front with my new love intrigue that she is free to engage with both of us but it is by no means a deal breaker if that is something she doesn't want. I told her that I want to get to know her and beyond that is up to fate.

I can understand what you mean by being too excited by our new partner, but I am not sure that would be a problem. I suppose you don't know until you are there. But... During our private show at a strip club I was sooo into it and he was not. I was quite disappointed that because he was worried about me he did not enjoy himself. If I could have seen that he was getting turned on or merely enjoying himself it would have brought me to a new level of arousal myself. I can hardly believe I am telling someone this lol. I guess there's still a prude mindset lurking in the shadows!

Bluebird said:
Have you read the book, More Than Two? It would be a good thing for your husband and you to go through together - each chapter has questions to discuss and I think it would be helpful to you.
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I have learned quite a bit in a short time, but there's much more that I still need to know. Like yesterday "sapiosexual" that was a new word for me. It is interesting you bring up this book because it is one that is used in a poly group my husband is involved with. I'll definitely have to pick up a copy.

Jess1200 said:
Yaaaas! Please update the thread to tell us how it goes. I'm intrigued :cool:
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We were supposed to go out today and I had to postpone it because I am ill prepared for a med/surg test I have tomorrow. :-( I am very excited to hang out with her, she has such a positive spirit and has such an interesting background. :) :) Hopefilully by Friday evening we will have gone on our first date!!
 
nycindie said:
I wonder if you'd be better off posting at a site for swingers or going to swing clubs? It does seem like your focus is on sex (swinging, etc.) rather than developing loving relationships (polyamory's focus).
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You might be on to something. My husband said something similar. I suppose I don't want to close off possibilities with either lifestyle. However, I do believe my thoughts (as I have said previously) are a bit juvenile and that may be why sex seems to be on the forefront of this adventure for me. Teenagers, many of them, they can hardly keep their hands off each other because it's all new and exciting. I think maybe I may have that sort of thing happening since my experiences with women are quite limited. Am I making sense? I don't want to get boxed in to a swinging category because I believe after the initial rush of it all I would like to nurture some long term relationships and be someone that can be a loving addition to someone's life.

I can't say enough how awesome you all are for throwing in your advice!

We have invested in a few books: Ethical Slut, More Than Two, and Opening Up. I have heard that one book is told from a perspective of having primary's etc and another is told in a way that all partners are on equal relationship ground. My hope is to have some information on common issues so that maybe I can handle it a little better when it comes up in our lives.
 
All three are good books, that is for sure.
 
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