mono jealousy, am i justified?
- Thread starter lanman
- Start date
I am so sorry you deal in this. I hope that you continue in counseling and set some boundaries.
In order for you to stop feeling like a doormat? There has to be consequences for cheating. Think hard about what you need to become willing to try again with her to restore the marriage to right relationship. Don't just agree to whatever she says because you are afraid of changes or afraid to lose the old relationship. It was already lost when she cheated.
Now you are on (what kind of NEW relationship will we build now after the affair?)
Wife letting go of the cheating partner might be one of the conditions you set for you to become willing to consider doing anything new with her.
Even if you are willing to start a new relationship with her? You may not even want polyamory. You certainly don't sound like you want it thrust upon you just so she can assuage her guilt for the cheating. Why are you left holding the bag for her poor behavior? That's not fair.
Even if you decide you are up for polyamory? You might NOT be up for it with her cheating partner in the new poly network. You have no reason to like or trust them.
Again, you both might consider reading
http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/
The genders are flipped in the article with "Phil" being the cheating husband and the wife being the betrayed spouse. But I think it might help some.
Bottom line -- In order to salvage the marriage, BOTH of you have to be working on it. Not just you.
If she's just dialing it in, and not really being present? Not really participating in marriage repair? Painful as it is to be abandoned, you may have to acknowledge it and come to terms rather than throwing more energy down a back hole.
Def keep working with your counselor on what is healthiest/best for YOU. Whether or not your wife is part of the picture any more.
For sake of the shared marriage, I hope she comes to her senses soon, since you seem to want to work it out with her.
For your sake, I hope you maintain your personal boundaries and don't accept crumbs. You have worth, dignity, and value and deserve to be treated well. If she's not treating you well any more? You have every right to decline her new offer and let it end with your head held high.
Galagirl
In order for you to stop feeling like a doormat? There has to be consequences for cheating. Think hard about what you need to become willing to try again with her to restore the marriage to right relationship. Don't just agree to whatever she says because you are afraid of changes or afraid to lose the old relationship. It was already lost when she cheated.
Now you are on (what kind of NEW relationship will we build now after the affair?)
Wife letting go of the cheating partner might be one of the conditions you set for you to become willing to consider doing anything new with her.
Even if you are willing to start a new relationship with her? You may not even want polyamory. You certainly don't sound like you want it thrust upon you just so she can assuage her guilt for the cheating. Why are you left holding the bag for her poor behavior? That's not fair.
Even if you decide you are up for polyamory? You might NOT be up for it with her cheating partner in the new poly network. You have no reason to like or trust them.
Again, you both might consider reading
http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/
The genders are flipped in the article with "Phil" being the cheating husband and the wife being the betrayed spouse. But I think it might help some.
Bottom line -- In order to salvage the marriage, BOTH of you have to be working on it. Not just you.
If she's just dialing it in, and not really being present? Not really participating in marriage repair? Painful as it is to be abandoned, you may have to acknowledge it and come to terms rather than throwing more energy down a back hole.
Def keep working with your counselor on what is healthiest/best for YOU. Whether or not your wife is part of the picture any more.
For sake of the shared marriage, I hope she comes to her senses soon, since you seem to want to work it out with her.
For your sake, I hope you maintain your personal boundaries and don't accept crumbs. You have worth, dignity, and value and deserve to be treated well. If she's not treating you well any more? You have every right to decline her new offer and let it end with your head held high.
Galagirl
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You are dead on. Thank you so much for this. That's exactly how I feel, she got caught, she found an article on polyamory and decided hey, this is what I want. Hello delicious cake in my belly, sorry husband. If it was under different circumstances I think I would be so much more easier with it. I think I'm at the point where I need to make terms with things and do what's best for me.
Consequences - I need that transparency, I need that honesty, and I haven't been getting either. That's why I'm so torn and ready to walk away. The love for her is so strong and I keep holding on.
I am going to continue counseling, even if it's just for me.
Yes. You sound like you are fed up.
I am sorry you are not getting it. Asking for honesty or transparency is not unreasonable in ANY ethical relationship model. Friendship, monogamy, polyamory, etc.
I think that's a good plan. Ask your counselor for help sorting out your feelings.
It sounds like you love her a lot, but her poor behavior is chipping away at it.
And you sound done with waiting on the sidelines being taken for granted. You want to move on with your life and get out of this UGH space.
And you don't sound like you want to sign up to be participating in "wonky polyamory" right after "cheating affair." Nothing there sounds awesome for you.
Galagirl
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Again, people treat us the way we expect them to treat us and according to our self perception. All the rules and consequences in the world won't be worth one thin dime if you don't have self worth at the foundation of this relationship. Focusing on other people's behavior gives a paltry return compared to focusing on valuing yourself much more. You can try to move the chess pieces of other people to an exhaustive degree, but this can't bring true and lasting change. When you focus on what is within your control to change and that is to value and cherish yourself, all of your relationships reflect that and that's when you experience more joy and pleasing behavior in your relationships.
Ravenscroft
Banned
I can (kind of) understand when someone who's busted cheating feels the need to rationalise the "necessity" of the lies, distortions, subterfuge, selfishness, etc.
However, once the "poly card" is played, that shit MUST stop, or it ain't poly -- it's just cheating gone sadistic.
My ex & I went nose-to-nose over the kids thing. There was never enough money in the budget (according to her) for a sitter when her & I were supposed to have a little "adult time" together, & even less when I wanted to spend the night with a lover. Yet, somehow there was plenty of spare cash for her to go out with her boyfriend 2-3 evenings. But it's never so simple as that: at the time, I was the stay-home parent, regularly spending 10-15 hrs/day caring for the kids AND doing laundry AND changing diapers AND getting groceries AND cooking... & she played the "breadwinner" card all the time.
All relationships need to be examined as a game -- sometimes fun, sure, but if not played seriously AND honestly by EVERYONE, the game's over. (I mean, don't we all use the word "cheating" in this sense?)
The way you tell it, your SO wants all the marbles, & doesn't want to even try to win them honestly, & would rather cheat you out of a reasonable share &, if you call her on it, bully you into giving them up or even just shove you awa & steal 'em outright.
When that crap happens, you have the choice to quit (or at least thoroughly prepare to), or to keep playing in hopes that fairness will somehow magically materialize.
While it's good to calm yourself, collect your thoughts, & rationalise your emotions, at no point should you decide that you don't have a right to disagree (even strongly) with what she's doing.
However, once the "poly card" is played, that shit MUST stop, or it ain't poly -- it's just cheating gone sadistic.
My ex & I went nose-to-nose over the kids thing. There was never enough money in the budget (according to her) for a sitter when her & I were supposed to have a little "adult time" together, & even less when I wanted to spend the night with a lover. Yet, somehow there was plenty of spare cash for her to go out with her boyfriend 2-3 evenings. But it's never so simple as that: at the time, I was the stay-home parent, regularly spending 10-15 hrs/day caring for the kids AND doing laundry AND changing diapers AND getting groceries AND cooking... & she played the "breadwinner" card all the time.
All relationships need to be examined as a game -- sometimes fun, sure, but if not played seriously AND honestly by EVERYONE, the game's over. (I mean, don't we all use the word "cheating" in this sense?)
The way you tell it, your SO wants all the marbles, & doesn't want to even try to win them honestly, & would rather cheat you out of a reasonable share &, if you call her on it, bully you into giving them up or even just shove you awa & steal 'em outright.
When that crap happens, you have the choice to quit (or at least thoroughly prepare to), or to keep playing in hopes that fairness will somehow magically materialize.
While it's good to calm yourself, collect your thoughts, & rationalise your emotions, at no point should you decide that you don't have a right to disagree (even strongly) with what she's doing.
Ravenscroft, I know the feeling all too well. I'm the breadwinner, she's the sahm. There always seems to be money for her for trips to her parents/him but not for dates for us. She spent almost a week out there, saw him for 4 days. His kid and our kid and him and her did some events, him and her did some events as well, but when she came back she was "too tired for a date". She wasn't too tired to grind and paint railings with me though... She always has the money for vanity things, and when he comes here or she goes there, I end up footing a part of the bill for their dates, but I never have enough for me to do something?
Because of all of this my self-worth has been zip. I forget to take care of me and my wants, so that's going to change. I'm also going to do a med change, I feel like maybe I'm really depressed still and my brain is clouded.
Because of all of this my self-worth has been zip. I forget to take care of me and my wants, so that's going to change. I'm also going to do a med change, I feel like maybe I'm really depressed still and my brain is clouded.
I am glad to hear
There could be one account for shared things (house expenses, you + her dates, etc)
There could be one account for your personal spending. (your hobbies, lunch with friends, whatever)
There could be one account for her personal spending (her hobbies, lunch with her friends, (her+ him) dates.)
That could be more fair. And if she spends all hers on dating him and is always broke... that's her problem. Not a problem in your personal account, or the shared expense account.
Galagirl
- you plan to get a check up and address the brain fog.
- you plan to address meeting your wants and needs in fair turn instead of always shelving them
- you plan to address the unfair budget spending.
There could be one account for shared things (house expenses, you + her dates, etc)
There could be one account for your personal spending. (your hobbies, lunch with friends, whatever)
There could be one account for her personal spending (her hobbies, lunch with her friends, (her+ him) dates.)
That could be more fair. And if she spends all hers on dating him and is always broke... that's her problem. Not a problem in your personal account, or the shared expense account.
Galagirl
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I have a checking account, and we have a shared account. Both of my jobs get direct deposited into my account, she transfers what she needs for bills and pays them from the joint. When she goes out she uses the joint account, and if she needs money she transfers it from me.
I'm actually going out with a friend this weekend and it feels good. I get to meet his new girlfriend. I guess I neglect me so much, I'm selfless to a fault. I always want to make sure her needs and wants are met, but neglect mine in the process, and maybe she feeds off of that. If I didn't as much, maybe she'd appreciate things more.
I'm actually going out with a friend this weekend and it feels good. I get to meet his new girlfriend. I guess I neglect me so much, I'm selfless to a fault. I always want to make sure her needs and wants are met, but neglect mine in the process, and maybe she feeds off of that. If I didn't as much, maybe she'd appreciate things more.
I've always said that it takes a boatload of hubris to think one person can meet all of the needs of another person. That's why we have family, that's why we have (and need) friends of all genders, etc...
Ravenscroft
Banned
Quite possibly. When given too much implicit control, sometimes the worst behavior can come out in the best of people.
I don't know if it's back in print, but maybe find a copy of David Seabury's The Art of Selfishness. His core thesis: if you don't take care of yourself first, you'll suck at taking care of others at all. (Like, in an airline emergency, you're supposed to put on your own air mask first, THEN your kid's.) It's a calm, non-polemical book, actually quite entertaining, & I used to read it at least once a year.
WhatHappened
Active member
When did it become a mother's responsibility to watch a grandchild so her son-in-law go have fun while her daughter is out with another man?
When did it become a mother's responsibility to watch a grandchild so her son-in-law go have fun while her daughter is out with another man?
I think she meant me and my wife going out.
WhatHappened
Active member
I think that's splitting hairs. She's watching a grandchild, a special needs grandchild no less, while your wife is out with another man...and so now she's ALSO supposed to watch him so you and your wife can go out??
BTW...I have TWO special needs children AND several others. I am a single mother. My mother has not watched a single one of my children for at least 8 years. Not for a single minute. The last time she watched them I was rather desperate for help so I could go to marriage counseling with then H to try to save the marriage.
I'm sorry, but it is NOT your mother-in-law's responsibility to watch your child so you can get a date night with your wife so you can be more relaxed about her fucking other men.
Not yet. She knows I'm uncomfortable with it at the bare minimum.