My Ex-Boyfriend is My Meta's Husband

[Jemmy16]

Hi all. Some of you may have read my post about two months back about the quad I was in falling apart. I acknowledge that there was some debate over whether or not there was an actual quad, but I maintain that there was, and it was broken down as follows: Anabelle and Tad (a married couple), who were dating Cory (life partner) and I. I was involved with Cory, Tad, and Anabelle, and Cory was involved with Anabelle and I. Now, Tad and Anabelle were just a little more acquainted with polyamory than Cory and I, as they had one previous relationship (a triad) with their ex-girlfriend. To make a long story short, Cory suffered from severe jealousy issues and panicked and broke up with Anabelle, and because of his belief that he no longer wanted a poly relationship, I felt pushed into breaking up with Tad and Anabelle as well. Cory quickly regretted his decision, and is now completely willing to accept that I feel that I am inherently poly, and I cannot mask this part of myself in our life together. He wants to make this lifestyle work for himself as well, and he went to Anabelle and told her how sorry he was. They were able to form a friendship and they have stayed platonic up until the day after Valentine’s: the day Tad and Anabelle agreed to start dating again.
A month or so ago, I reached out to Tad, and asked him if we too could develop a friendship. He said his heart was no longer in it, and he felt that I felt a connection deeper than he did. Now…this is a man who time and time again assured me of how deeply he cared for me, and begged for forgiveness when he wronged me (not a totally relevant story: we’ll leave it at he hurt me very deeply and I forgave him), and after our first date told me he was falling for me, wanted to make plans for the summer, and essentially gave me every green light you can give another person. Needless to say, how harshly and cruelly he regarded broke my heart. I was devastated. I am trying to, and succeeding at, moving on, and up until this weekend, I was completely supportive of Cory and Anabelle rekindling their relationship.

In addition to working on my relationship with Cory and figuring out how poly will fit into our life together, I have started seeing another man. Cory and I have not solved all of our issues, but we acknowledge that we are in a much better place than we were and we are actively working on things. From what Cory has told me, Tad is not in a good place. At one point, he asked Anabelle to leave poly and be mono with him, which he then took back but said he was not going to be poly. As awful as it is, this made me feel better, because the idea of him with another woman makes me feel sick. I have not felt this way about Anabelle...ever. She is his wife, and I adore her, but the idea of him rejecting me and dating again infuriates me. Which leads me to Friday...when I found out he is trying to date again. I don't know specifics, but I legitimately panicked. The room spun. I felt a Titan-sized rage come alive inside of me. And then I turned this all on Cory: how am I supposed to be ok with him and Anabelle being together when I despise her husband? How can I be comfortable with the wife of the man who battered my heart sleeping in my bed and using my Clinique face cream? How can I continue to say that I want to work on reuniting with Anabelle romantically when she loves a man who makes my skin crawl because I consider him cowardly, unable to communicate, and cruel? I understand that Anabelle IS NOT HIM, but...the thought of ever stepping in their home again makes me furious. I don't want to do things as a group, I don't want to have to celebrate Anabelle's birthday, Cory's birthday, or various holidays with Tad. And how is Tad supposed to be ok with me being around? How will he tolerate Ana coming out to dinner with Cory, my new gentleman, and I? I thought I would be ok with all of these concepts....until the time came when they might actually happen. I know how petty my jealousy is, and I have found a wonderful man who seems genuinely interested in making a relationship work while I have other people in my life. He is kind, and gentle, and extremely open with his emotions (a refreshing change from Tad). I am desperate for any help anyone could offer….I feel totally lost right now, and I am unsure how to deal with this situation.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Jemmy16,

They say there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It seems that right now you are on the anger stage. I don't think it's your fault, it's just something you have to go through. The good news is that the anger should go away eventually, if you can just endure it.

In the meantime, I would spend as little time with Tad (and Anabelle) as possible. Maybe now's not a good time for you to be joining in birthday celebrations and other holidays. And maybe Anabelle shouldn't be using your bed ...

It must be doubly upsetting to know that Anabelle is so loyal to Tad when Tad has acted so cruel. You must try to forgive Anabelle eventually. Not right now, but later on, after you have had some time to heal.

I think that you are very loyal towards Cory even though Cory is dating Anabelle. There's nothing wrong with that. Your feelings are in a state of chaos right now. It won't always be this way.

I hope you get feeling better soon.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Emm]

You dumped Tad when you knew he had heavy-duty feelings for you. Why are you surprised now when he doesn't want to sign up for more of the same?

 

[tenK]

Hey Jemmy,

You already know this I think, but you are over-reacting here. This is usually a sign that there are other things going on beneath the surface that you'd do well to uncover before your unconscious reactions cause you more grief. Basically, you are in dire need of setting yourself some healthier boundaries.

From what Cory has told me, Tad is not in a good place. At one point, he asked Anabelle to leave poly and be mono with him, which he then took back but said he was not going to be poly. As awful as it is, this made me feel better, because the idea of him with another woman makes me feel sick. I have not felt this way about Anabelle...ever. She is his wife, and I adore her, but the idea of him rejecting me and dating again infuriates me. Which leads me to Friday...when I found out he is trying to date again. I don't know specifics, but I legitimately panicked. The room spun. I felt a Titan-sized rage come alive inside of me. And then I turned this all on Cory:

I think the first thing you can do to help yourself here is ask Cory to tell you less about what is going on with Tad. He is your ex lover. You have not yet reconciled with him yourself. The fact that your husband is still in contact with him and is back-channelling you information is not helping. It's the equivalent of you stalking him on Facebook and nurturing resentment, instead of having a total break from him and healing. I get that you are maybe not going out of your way to get this information, but it's still within your control whether you have to hear it. Explain to Cory that you are still getting over stuff with Tad, and at this time, you'd prefer not to know how he's doing, if he's dating, or how things are with him and Anabelle. Ask Cory to only tell you things that are relevant to his relationship with Anabelle. If she's moping at him because things are not going well with Tad? He doesn't need to go into that with you. A simple, 'Anabelle seems down at the moment but assures me it's nothing to do with me and her' would suffice.

how am I supposed to be ok with him and Anabelle being together when I despise her husband?

You already know that Anabelle is not Tad and vice versa. Forget him, focus on her. She has good qualities, no? You ordinarily like her. Cory likes her. That's all that matters.

How can I be comfortable with the wife of the man who battered my heart sleeping in my bed and using my Clinique face cream?

I don't think she needs to sleep in your bed or be borrowing your face cream unless or until you are completely comfortable with that. That's not going to happen until you resolve stuff between you and her. Would she be up for meeting you to talk one-on-one about how things have changed now that Tad is out of the picture? Make things right with her before allowing her into your personal space. Otherwise you are just going to feel more frustrated. Things are not the same. What was okay before, no longer is, and everyone involved should have the emotional and intellectual maturity to recognise that and not force things.

How can I continue to say that I want to work on reuniting with Anabelle romantically when she loves a man who makes my skin crawl because I consider him cowardly, unable to communicate, and cruel?

This is a tough one, I agree. It is fine to admit that a partner's choice of other partner's is a turn-off. Do you feel like you still want to reconcile with Anabelle? Is she willing? You may have to just accept that you have already lost your connection to Anabelle at the same time as Tad. That sucks, and I feel for you, but holding out hope for reconciliation is not doing you any favours if it's not on the table anymore. Eventually you're just going to have to be brave, and address it with her directly. If you truly despise Tad, it's a two-way barrier - you might be turned off by her choices in a lover, but she might also be turned off by you despising her husband. I wouldn't date anyone who was hostile towards one of my partners. I wouldn't want to be constantly in the middle.

Personally, I would put this one aside for the immediate now and concentrate on just getting to the point where you feel comfortable with her and Cory dating before trying to rekindle anything there. It seems to me you are feeling pretty envious of Anabelle, and resentful that you lost her at the same time as Tad, and that stuff will take time to work through. I would focus more on figuring out if I can salvage an independent friendship with her before thinking of romantic connections. She might need some time too. I think making this a priority now would be a mistake and less likely to lead to you guys getting back together (if indeed, that is still what you want).

the thought of ever stepping in their home again makes me furious. I don't want to do things as a group, I don't want to have to celebrate Anabelle's birthday, Cory's birthday, or various holidays with Tad.

You don't have to ever go to their home, or attend social events or birthday celebrations together. You and Anabelle can have separate celebrations for Cory's birthday if that works best, or Anabelle can be invited and Tad not. Those things are all up for negotiation with Cory, or else they are simply within your control. You don't have to attend every function you are invited to, presuming you are invited at all.

And how is Tad supposed to be ok with me being around? How will he tolerate Ana coming out to dinner with Cory, my new gentleman, and I?

That's his issue to deal with. Why worry about his struggles? If you and Cory invite your new guy and Anabelle on a double date, and they are both interested in coming (which is by no means a certainty - I'd probably find it a bit weird to double date like that with my partner's significant other and a random), then it falls on Anabelle to resolve that with him if it is a problem.

Reading between the lines here, I think you are struggling with two aspects. First of all it seems you are not so much jealous of Anabelle as you are envious - she gets to keep the nice V that you once had. She hasn't been rejected. Perhaps you still wish you and Tad could rekindle something. Second, I think you are pissed off at Cory because in your eyes it is his fault you dropped Tad. He had a wobble, you swooped in to clear the ground to help him deal with it (and in the process, gave up Tad and Anabelle), and then you find that he righted himself without needing to do the same. That seems unfair, but you have to own your own decision making. You freaked out at Cory's freak out, and instead of pursuing the course of action you wanted, or negotiating his freak-out in an even-handed way, you leapt into action. Possibly the wrong action, it turns out. You now have to live with that, and that is hard, because I imagine at the time it felt like you were making a choice between remaining married and not. That is definitely something you need to talk to Cory about. You guys need to be able to trust each other to deal with blips. It sounds like he was all amped up and demanding things of you - has he even acknowledged his role in that? Has he apologised for over-reacting? Surely that's a first step to making things right and learning to avoid such hiccups in the future.

Anyway, I think the healthiest thing you can do right now is to step back from the Tad-Anabelle-Cory shenanigans, and focus on your new guy a bit. I mean this in the kindest way, but when your own life is full and fulfilling, it's hard to give a shit about what other people are up to. I get that you came into polyamory with Cory as a shared adventure of sorts, but honestly I think you'd benefit from just concentrating on yourself and enjoying a bit of independence in your dating life. You'll find there's much less drama and entanglement. And when you get to a happier place where you stop making comparisons between what you have, and what Anabelle has, and what Cory has, you might find things resolve themselves quite naturally.

 

[AJM]

You dumped Tad when you knew he had heavy-duty feelings for you. Why are you surprised now when he doesn't want to sign up for more of the same?

QFT. Instead of being mad at Tad for not taking you back you should send some of that frustration to Cory for pressuring you too break up with Tad and Annie, then rekindling with Annie leaving you in an awkward position.

 

[Bluebird]

You dropped Tad when he was in love with you, for something he had no control over. I wouldn't trust you, no matter how sorry you appeared to be. You showed him where he stood. He's now showing you where you stand. Sorry, but that actually sounds like a healthy place for him to be. Also, given how unstable your emotions sound now, I would not be eager to sign up for more drama.

Tell Cory to stop telling you about what Tad is doing. He needs to put a sock in that.

Concentrate on your new love.

Strengthen boundaries - if you don't want Anabelle in your bed or in your stuff, say so. It's ok.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. Thing is, actions have consequences:

• You broke up with Tad.
  • Later you changed your mind and asked Tad if he wanted to date again.
    • He declined the new dating offer.
      • He doesn't have it in his heart any more to go there again.
      • He is accepting and obeying his personal limitations.

You seem to have this idea that he rejected (you) the person. Rather than him simply declining (a dating offer) that HE doesn't have the heart for.

If you had offered him cookies, and he said no, he's too full and he is not up for cookies... Would you be getting all mad that he's rejecting you? Or would you accept that he knows his own stomach and that he's just not up for more cookies right now?

You seemed to do fine with Cory and Annabelle dating til recently. What changed? Cory blabbing at you about TMI details. Then you taking these things Cory shares too personally.

On your side, I think you could work to stop taking Tad things personally. Be ok with Tad moving on in his dating life and you do the same. Move on in your dating life and focus on your new guy.

On the Cory side? I think you could ask him to STOP telling you (Tad stuff) or (Annabelle + Tad stuff) that Annabelle shares with him.
Maintain stronger boundaries there. T

Could tell Cory and Annabelle both that you don't want to be hearing TMI things about (Tad) or (Annabelle and Tad) at this time. You want to hear about sex health labs and calendar things, but not personal TMI things while you are still getting past all the recent hubbub.

Could tell Annabelle and Cory that you prefer she not sleep in your bed or use your face cream. Use another room or at least change the bedding. It's ok to set boundaries around your belongings.

Could tell Annabelle and Cory that you prefer not to be doing things in a big group with Tad there at this time. Thanks for thinking of you, but no thanks right now. It's ok to draw boundaries around how you feel like socializing and with who.

If these people in your poly network drive you crazy by not respecting your boundaries? You could stop dating Cory. Then Cory, Annabelle and Ted are no longer linked to your poly network.

Galagirl