Healthy Boundaries: A Meta Update

M

MrsBrightside

New member
Hello!

Some of you may remember my Meta-issues with Red not really being good with boundaries and having a lot of insecurities outbursts that resulted in me asking for no more visits in our (mine and Farmer's) home.

I am finally feeling as if things are progressing well, with a few caveats, but I am holding my own instead of caving to guilt. Red initially was very upset about the idea, and again thought I disliked her and didn't want her around. I would say the first month was the hardest. A few weeks ago Farmer had his first visit with her solo, and I had hoped that her having dedicated time with him would help. Farmer admitted she is tolerating it, but she still is sad she is no longer going to be in our home.

It does grate on me somewhat that she feels being *here* is so important to validating her relationship with Farmer. This is where I feel is the key to her really stepping over boundaries (she did so once recently with texting me in the middle of the night over needing to know about what we did for Farmer's birthday even though I thought he had told her) and needing to be very involved in our lives/relationship, while also minimizing my role in her life (her friends don't know about me and she doesn't want them too, but she expects our friends to know about her and be friends with her).

Recently, Red lost her job. It was very upsetting for her, even though she disliked where she worked and was working a lot less over the past couple months. Farmer was very good with helping her stay together during the crisis and encouraged her to apply for jobs and social assistance. She ended up getting temporary work... here, in our city... on the same job I am currently working. This threw up my defenses immediately, because as much as she would not be staying in our home, I felt like this was a loophole she had discovered to be here despite knowing I needed space. I reiterated with Farmer my concerns, and that I was worried she would try to test the boundaries more if she were around and try to convince him to let her visit our home, and that I felt she perhaps wanted to move and live here full time to be closer to him and this was a good chance to show him what that could be like. He honestly didn't think she would want to move here and was certain it was temporary and that she only took a job here because it was available immediately.

In any case, she ended up not getting as many days of work here as she thought, and it ended up being a moot point. She is going to have a new job in her own city starting sometime next week, though she may still be up here occasionally for work until the project is over. Farmer assured me that this would not result in me getting less time with him than usual, though he made a good point that seeing her once a week while she was in town would mean he wouldn't have to go away one weekend a month instead and that seemed a pretty fair compromise.

But given that I thought Red was going to be around for the next six weeks, I did ask Farmer if he thought it would be beneficial if I explained why I need space/no visits to her since she seemed really confused as to why it happened. His answer really helped me:

Him: Well... What would your goal be in explaining that to her?
Me: So she can understand my feelings and know that I don't dislike her?
Him: Well, her thinking you dislike her is a product of her anxiety and she is going to probably think that regardless of what you do. It isn't your job to explain that away.
Me: Oh... true.
Him: Also if you try to explain to her why you don't want visits right now then she is going to take that as hope; hope that she can eventually have visits back if she can just 'get around' those issues.
Me: So it's better to be firm and not explain so she has nothing to try and push against?
Him: Yeah basically.

Farmer also is happy with the arrangement as is (with no visits and him going to see her one weekend a month + seeing her when he is up for work), and understands my reasoning. I think Red, being mono, sees our life together and wants that too (we know this because she has said as much). She just doesn't see any other way of having it unless she is 'involved' in our relationship in whatever way she can; which is why being in our home is so important to her. But she can't keep inserting herself in our relationship to ease her insecurities and feel like she can have the relationship escalator after all. I told Farmer I thought the space might give her an opportunity to not focus so much on what he and I have, so that they can both explore the special thing they have together, and develop that on it's own merit. And I would get my much-needed space. He agreed with that, and I really hope that it does help in that regard.

I am also going to be more firm in keeping any interactions with me and Red only about each other or friend-type things, and not so much discussing our relationship with Farmer in any way, and directing any questions she has about it to him instead.

I want to thank everyone for their advice here, it really helped me. :) I am not perfect at being firm with my boundaries yet, but I feel like it has curbed Red's behaviour with me a LOT since I have made that decision and we get along better (at least from what I can tell on my end) as a result.
 
So Red is not welcome in her boyfriend's home?

And you see Red getting a job in your city as impinging on your space?

And you're somehow suspicious of her wanting to live nearer her boyfriend?

If she is not allowed in her boyfriend's home, where do they have dates? Her home, always out at a restaurant or event, a hotel, back seat of a car? Is it possible she wants to be in her boyfriend's home because most girlfriend's are welcome, and spend time in, their boyfriend's homes?
 
Glad you hear you are maintaining your boundaries. I remember your older post with all the BPD drama. She was planning on seeing her doctor as soon as possible and ask about therapy. Did she ever follow through on that?

It's unfortunate she has this, but if she's unmanaged BPD and having drama when she comes over? It's her responsibility to do her management plan and get her behavior under control.

If she continues unmanaged? I think it is fair for you to choose to maintain some healthy distance and not have her over. You are not the one dating her. Farmer can see her at her home since he's the one dating her. He seems to be fine with the new boundaries. So stick with your boundaries!

I agree with Farmer that you don't have to keep explaining. This bit?

Him: Well... What would your goal be in explaining that to her?
Me: So she can understand my feelings and know that I don't dislike her?
Him: Well, her thinking you dislike her is a product of her anxiety and she is going to probably think that regardless of what you do. It isn't your job to explain that away.
Me: Oh... true.
Him: Also if you try to explain to her why you don't want visits right now then she is going to take that as hope; hope that she can eventually have visits back if she can just 'get around' those issues.
Me: So it's better to be firm and not explain so she has nothing to try and push against?
Him: Yeah basically.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you got anxious that she might bring you a new cow since she was working in town. So YOUR anxiety flared up. You sound like you wanted to default to your old habit of trying to "ward off the cow by reassuring her extra." Could not do that. Don't walk on eggshells like she's some kind of volcano goddess that's gonna blow if you don't manage her. Her management is HER job to be doing.

Instead of thinking about pre-reassuring her? Reassure yourself instead. Something like...

"So she has a cow. So what? Not my problem. She doesn't come to my house any more. I am already safe from any cows."​

This is what you wrote in the old post:

MrsBrightside said:
I'm still in the mentality of trying to reassure her to avoid trouble, as if I'm still responsible for how she might react.
Click to expand...

Could remind yourself that you are NOT responsible for her behavior.

If you get anxious again and find yourself wanting to JADE? Do what you did.

Run it by Farmer, to make sure you are not doing any JADE just to solve YOUR anxiety. But also try to spot your own self -- "Do I really need to do this? Am I trying to JADE because I feel anxious?"

Don't re-explain stuff to her. That would be you going to hang out with the unmanaged BPD you don't want to be around.

Re-explain to YOU that you are safe, you have boundaries in place to keep a healthy distance so you don't have to deal with BPD drama cows any more. Then obey your own boundaries. You don't have to feel guilty about doing what you need to do to keep YOU healthy.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I agree with healthy boundaries, and it's good you're getting that under control for yourself.

I will say that I wonder if some things are exacerbating the situation that maybe no one else has thought of, and she doesn't know how to (or is scared to) express? You and Farmer have an intwined life together to some degree, including a home together (apartment/house/whatever). Does Red, at some point, hope to also have a partner with similar entanglements, and is she possibly feeling that things are very restricted in those areas, which might be frustrating for her? I am not saying that acting out is ok, and she definitely needs to get her BPD managed and be under appropriate care. But, I do wonder if she's feeling like she needs to push back because otherwise she'll forever be restricted in her relationship with Farmer.

For example, you and he share a home. This, presumably, means that you fund this home together and, also presumably, you two aren't independently wealthy. Meaning, it's unlikely he would ever be able to afford to have a home with her that he is equally invested in? Perhaps she feels the only remedy to this is to become a part of the existing home, where all could eventually contribute? This isn't something you or Farmer need to allow to happen, obviously, I just thought I'd put it out there as something to think about.

It means that, in all likelihood, many of the things you and he do together, or help one another out with, she is doing on her own: paying bills, dealing with utilities, saving for vacations, and other pragmatic day-to-day stuff. Having been on that end of things before, it can become frustrating to have a partner who can't really participate in those things. It is her decision, of course, to be in that relationship; but, she may be worried about (or unsure how to) say things like this.

Not making excuses, and you certainly have a right to determine who comes into your home. Just presenting some possibilities for what could be exacerbating things on her end.
 
Last edited:
Sorry... I guess I should have included some background, there is a lot in previous threads.

Farmer and I have been together 12 years and always non-monogamous, though this is the first time it's been a more serious girlfriend, which was fine. I had encouraged it. Red is monogamous and long distance (they met on tinder and she lives in a city he visits often for work) and initially pushed for a triad, but it was clear to me pretty early that I didn't feel that way about her and told her such. She was very upset by this as she thought it was the only way to have a truly 'equal' relationship and not a 'shared' one.

After that she was a bit pushy re: still wanting a triad. She immediately thought I didn't like her and said so often, to both myself and Farmer. I would be up late several nights talking her through her insecurities about the relationship, often the same issues over and over. I felt super drained, Farmer told me not to take on so much as it's not my job to make her feel better all the time. I took a bit of space for two weeks which she interpreted as me disliking her more, so I ended up having to initiate all our interactions (and still do).

If Farmer and I did anything on weekends together, or dates, she would often text him sad about feeling 'left out', even though they had their own dates without me, trips, etc. whenever he visited. She often wanted snapchats of what we were doing, or texts if Farmer was going to be away from his phone for more than an hour. Often if he didn't answer right away she would ask him if we were having sex/wanted to know explicit details about our sex (which I asked him kindly not to share, after it came up a few times).

This is just stuff over text. I get long distance is hard, but I have been open to them having skype time together and such to help. It rarely happened.

It's worth noting that Farmer has talked with her about where they see the relationship going and he has admitted to her that he enjoys what they have as it is, but that he can't give her the monogamous, married life he knows she wants, so eventually their differences will probably mean they will break up. This was 100% his decision and had he wanted different I would have worked towards being comfortable with them probably wanting us all to live together one day. But I am a huge introvert, and given how Red couldn't deal with being left out of almost everything, I did worry about privacy/alone time, which I very much need. I tried to explain to her once that her relationship to Farmer doesn't hinge on me or my relationship with him, but she didn't seem convinced. Deep down, I think she still wants a triad because she thinks it's the only way she could have a life living with Farmer.

Visits when Red thought she and I might date were fine. After I said I thought we could be really good platonic friends, and that I couldn't promise anything more than that... became increasingly more stressful. It started out with nightmares; Red would wake up upset about a dream that we hated her, or left her, or kicked her out, and she would be shut down and upset most of the morning. Once Farmer suggested they have some alone time to talk about it and I said okay; I am happy to give time if asked. After that Red having an anxiety attack of some kind became a regular occurrence and her mood would not improve until she got alone time and sex with partner. I offered alone time multiple times to her, and she said no, that she would feel bad if I was left out, insisted that visits were for all of us. But at least once a visit I would be stuck by myself in my own house while she was upset about some small thing (not involving her in cooking dinner, Farmer being too focused on me during sex, thinking we were talking about her when she left the room, we mentioned something he and I were planning for our future etc.) and it was really awkward and hard, because often this would result in sex that I walked in on more than once because I didn't know they weren't just cuddling or talking.

The last time she visited this happened twice. The second time she ran out of the room crying because she saw Farmer send a text to me (him and I talking alone freaked her out, so we tried not to be alone too long when she visited, but it was hard for me not to have the emotional check-ins we used to so Farmer suggested I text him if we didn't have a chance to talk about something). She assumed we were talking about her and thus cried for over an hour about how poly was hard and that she wished she'd met Farmer first or didn't know me because she thinks they would have a shot at a long-term relationship if so. Farmer told her he'd still be non-monogamous even without me, that the reasons would be the same.

But still, it hurt that she saw me as the barrier to her and Farmer having a 'real' relationship, that she preferred I didn't exist, that Farmer didn't love me/never loved me. I know she was upset, but I just constantly felt like I had to walk on eggshells when she visited, and I didn't think it was fair for me to just not be home for a whole weekend if she was visiting. So I asked for no more visits here for now, that Farmer could just go visit her instead. I mean I would rather sacrifice time with him and feel comfortable in my own home than what was happening, which clearly was also making Red upset from comparing and reading into things constantly.

Her working here wasn't so much the issue as it was that she a) didn't even check in with me about my feelings despite my request for space (it's only really been a month and a bit since the last time she visited and that stuff happened). b) I was worried I would feel guilted/pressured into allowing her to visit again if she was here, by her trying to just start with small stuff 'well can't we just do dinner?' since she has a tendency to try and push boundaries with me and c) she has not really done much to work on her insecurities and anxiety and still seems to want circumstances around her to change rather than learn healthy coping mechanisms (like wanting us to hide our relationship more on FB so her friends don't have to see me, but OUR friends knowing about her is crucial). I have anxiety too, so I have a lot of compassion in this regard, but it got to be too much.

I have no problem with her seeing Farmer the same amount as before and being accommodating, but her visiting here was just stressful and not healthy for all involved.

Please understand that I have tried very hard to reassure her, to make an effort to talk to her and show her I like her, to try and give them space when she visited, to encourage her to be honest with Farmer about how she was feeling, to swallow my hurt when she had anxiety attacks because she couldn't necessarily control how she was feeling, etc. :/ I just didn't get much of the same consideration in return, it was always about what she WASN'T getting. I support Farmer in dating her and I would never come between them, but I just needed to feel safe in my own home for now.

I had to accept that as a meta there's only so much I can do, and I have to let Farmer take care of her needs and the relationship with her. I hope that makes sense... it was not a decision I made lightly, and was due to a lot of issues piling up over time that were not improving.
 
Last edited:
I'd read the history, but appreciate the recap. It mostly just enhances the idea that at least part of her issues may be that she's feeling restricted. Again, this isn't something you, personally, need to remedy. It's just something that I can see making her emotional state more challenging for her to manage, especially if no solutions are being offered. She wants a nesting partner and loves Farmer, but is being told that the only solution she sees as a way to have that relationship isn't viable, but is being offered no other solution.

Again, that is mostly Farmer's issue (and, IMHO, he shouldn't be dating her if he is entirely aware he has no intention of ever either bringing the relationship up to an entwined level she'd be comfortable with or being monogamous with her, if that's clearly what she wants; but, he's not the one here asking for perspectives/etc.). But, I thought it might help with understanding some of what may be happening with her.

It can be frustrating to have a moving goal-post and likelihoods for how to achieve some things in life, including relationships, especially if one feels one isn't in control of the variables. Which, honestly, she mostly isn't, in this case (again, I am not saying you should give her more control over your space, etc., just that she has few options for controlling relationship variables at this point, and that can be really frustrating). It may be making getting her BPD under control more difficult, as having less stress is often key to helping therapy medication take effect.

I have been on the end of things where my meta had incredibly control over how fast my relationship with our hinge could move, and it was pretty awful (and I don't have mental health challenges, am really independent, didn't want a triad, etc.). I eventually ended the relationship because, practically, there just weren't going to be any way for the relationship to progress beyond a two-nights-a-week and I take care of everything in my life (bills, savings, housing, etc.) while they saved for vacations and retirement, got nicer cars, invested in their home, etc., forever, kind of thing and into some semblance of parity (and poly-fi was the desired configuration from all of us in the V, since we simply didn't have time to date others, as well). I was strong enough to do this, which hurt both my hinge and myself; but, in the long run, it was the best decision. Red may not have the mental and emotional strength to cut that tie right now, especially if she's struggling with her BPD. Has Farmer said why he thinks continuing to date, and sort of "lead her on", is a good idea for her personal welfare, since he clearly knows this is what is happening?
 
GreenAcres said:
You and Farmer have an intwined life together to some degree, including a home together (apartment/house/whatever). Does Red, at some point, hope to also have a partner with similar entanglements, and is she possibly feeling that things are very restricted in those areas, which might be frustrating for her? I am not saying that acting out is ok, and she definitely needs to get her BPD managed and be under appropriate care. But, I do wonder if she's feeling like she needs to push back because otherwise she'll forever be restricted in her relationship with Farmer.
Click to expand...

Yes, I do agree with this and I get how that would be frustrating for sure. I did not limit that possibility, only suggested that so early in their relationship (only a few months in!) I didn't feel comfortable with a shared life together just yet, but I was okay with say, Farmer having a home or apartment with her someday and sharing time. If Farmer had really wanted us all to share a home, I would have supported that and worked toward it, but he took the initiative to tell her this was all he could offer her. After that she often seemed to try and insert herself in our future planning regardless, which felt a bit invasive to me..

She is also free to date others and search for an anchor partner as well, but she does not want that, due to her being a monogamous person. Not much to be done about that unfortunately. :(

I will note that Red doesn't want to end the relationship, and so Farmer has left the choice in her hands as to when she cannot handle it anymore:

Galagirl: Yes, thank you for that! I *was* trying to pre-reassure and I am so glad I ran it by Farmer first. He seems to get it naturally in a way I don't yet! :) I was proud of myself for asking first rather than just falling into a bad habit due to my anxiety! Plus it ended up working out anyways.
 
Last edited:
MrsBrightside, I don't have any advice for you - you're handling this situation much better than I ever could - but I wanted to send you my support and congratulations on maintaining your boundaries!

MrsBrightside said:
It's worth noting that Farmer has talked with her about where they see the relationship going and he has admitted to her that he enjoys what they have as it is, but that he can't give her the monogamous, married life he knows she wants, so eventually their differences will probably mean they will break up.

She assumed we were talking about her and thus cried for over an hour about how poly was hard and that she wished she'd met Farmer first or didn't know me because she thinks they would have a shot at a long-term relationship if so. Farmer told her he'd still be non-monogamous even without me, that the reasons would be the same.

But still, it hurt that she saw me as the barrier to her and Farmer having a 'real' relationship, that she preferred I didn't exist, that Farmer didn't love me/never loved me.
Click to expand...

Wtf???

I'd be firmly setting the "I don't ever want to hear her name again" boundary if someone disrespected my relationship with my partner that way.

I do not understand why people enter and stay in relationships that are so obviously not what they want or need :confused: If you don't want to be in a poly relationship, do not start a relationship with someone who is committed to living polyamorously. If you want marriage and a home and to build a life with someone, do not date someone who tells you up front that will never happen.

This sounds like a messy situation all around - but it's particularly unhealthy for Red. From what I have read on this and older threads, she hasn't been truly ok in the relationship since she learned it wouldn't become a cohabiting triad. I don't know what her mental health is like normally, but I'm sure a lot of her poor boundaries and anxiety stuff is being exacerbated by being in a relationship that simply isn't meeting her needs :( That's not your problem to solve, MrsBrightside, I'm glad you realize that! And since Farmer has been clear with her about what he can offer and what he can't, I'm not sure there's anything either of you can do. It's on Red to either come to terms with the relationship as it is, or move on to someone who is a better match for her.
 
I agree with Claire. Having a meta disrespect me is a deal breaker.
 
AJM said:
I agree with Claire. Having a meta disrespect me is a deal breaker.
Click to expand...

I actually meant "never want to hear her name" in a very literal sense... I wouldn't ask my partner to stop dating the disrespectful meta, just to stop telling me stuff about her. I don't want anyone in my life who isn't supportive of me and my relationships. Even "in my life" in the sense that I have to waste time and energy thinking about them. But that doesn't mean they can't be in my partner's life - IF the partner can avoid spilling crap from their relationship into ours.

(I will say, though, that both my partners and I really value being able to talk openly about our other relationships, to the point where not being able to do that really messes with our happy poly universe. The times Andy has said "Don't want to hear about him" have been wake up calls for me. "Hmmmm, this relationship is so unhealthy my spouse can't even handle hearing about it??? Maybe time to rethink it." But ending a relationship is always the decision of the person in the relationship - not an spousal veto.)

In this case... Red's feelings and Red's anxiety and Red's insecurity are Red's problems. And Farmer's, if he chooses to stay in a relationship with her. But I don't see any reason MrsBrightside should have to stress and worry about how to make Red comfortable.
 
It's clearly Farmer's issue to deal with, and if he's been upfront and honest, then there's little else you can do. I will say that, while I normally don't make relationship decisions "for my partner's own good," since that's there job, in cases where mental illness is involved, I feel differently about that. I am not sure it's terribly kind of Farmer to stay in a relationship with Red given the situation, and, if I were Farmer, I would have ended the relationship so she could focus on her self-care, and also so she could pursue the relationship style she wants.

But, again, that is his choice. :-(
 
I have gently suggested it, but Farmer thinks it's going to hurt her regardless of when it happens, so he still considers it her decision, since he is fine with things, he believes she will tell him when she can't handle it. She is also bad at setting healthy boundaries for herself too, so I am not sure she will or it will get messy before she finally decides to. I am not comfortable asking him to cut it off.. I think it's something he needs to learn on his own too. Plus I do care about her as a person and I know she'd never believe I asked him to end it for her own good, I think it would cause more hurt and resentment then one of them coming to that conclusion on their own.
 
MrsBrightside said:
I have gently suggested it, but Farmer thinks it's going to hurt her regardless of when it happens, so he still considers it her decision, since he is fine with things, he believes she will tell him when she can't handle it. She is also bad at setting healthy boundaries for herself too, so I am not sure she will or it will get messy before she finally decides to. I am not comfortable asking him to cut it off.. I think it's something he needs to learn on his own too. Plus I do care about her as a person and I know she'd never believe I asked him to end it for her own good, I think it would cause more hurt and resentment then one of them coming to that conclusion on their own.
Click to expand...

Of course. I wouldn't ask them too, either. It's just unfortunate that he isn't doing it on his own. As I said, his decision, but it is too bad he can't step outside the situation to see that leaving it up to her may be detrimental in the long run.

Good luck to you all.
 
WhatHappened said:
So Red is not welcome in her boyfriend's home?

And you see Red getting a job in your city as impinging on your space?

And you're somehow suspicious of her wanting to live nearer her boyfriend?

If she is not allowed in her boyfriend's home, where do they have dates? Her home, always out at a restaurant or event, a hotel, back seat of a car? Is it possible she wants to be in her boyfriend's home because most girlfriend's are welcome, and spend time in, their boyfriend's homes?
Click to expand...

Just another perspective on this: My other partners have NEVER been welcome in my home until very recently. Hubby and I agreed on this when it was an open marriage, not a polyamory thing. Neither of us is comfortable having even non-resident family members visit (Hubby likes to keep people compartmentalized; I get overly anxious about being a "good hostess," since that was one of the headgames my mother played on me), let alone another romantic partner.

We've modified that within just the last month to allow for Woody being able to visit our home, partly because that was something he was able to do with Highlight and altering the "no visitors" agreement helped me deal with some of my insecurity issues, and partly because I want him--and he wants--to have more of a connection with Alt and Country, and they aren't usually able to go to his place, especially since Alt doesn't drive and so can only go to Woody's if I'm not spending the night (which I am about 90% of the time I go over there) or if Hubby or Country goes.

But even though Woody is now welcome to visit me at this home, any type of sexual interaction is completely off the table. As I said, Hubby prefers to compartmentalize; he's okay with Woody visiting because he likes and respects Woody (something which couldn't be said of my previous OSOs), but he is absolutely adamantly opposed to the idea of me having sex with another man in our home. Since Hubby has given me a TON of ground and leeway with the poly thing, when he makes a strong request like that, I tend to agree to it.

For Woody's part, he didn't mind not being able to come to my place at all, and he has absolutely no issue with not being able to have sex with me here. He doesn't live with a partner, so it's easy for us to get together at his place, and because of my past, he's chosen to make himself and his housemates my family and his house my second home.

More on topic, MrsBrightside, I'm glad you've been able to work with Farmer to set and maintain boundaries that make you comfortable with his relationship with Red.
 
Thank you for your personal story, KC43. :) In a lot of ways, I think we maybe screwed up and dove in way too deep considering poly is a lot more new to us. When we knew a triad wasn't going to happen, I think we really should have re-evaluated group visits then, and maybe approached them differently. I mean, it would have been tricky then too, and I think any such changes at any point probably would have resulted in similar upset, but maybe it wouldn't have been so tangled up and messy like I feel it is now.

Hopefully this way will allow for some space for me to untangle my own stuff, and hopefully Red can too!
 
Hello MrsBrightside,

Thank you for your update, and kudos for holding to your boundaries. It sounds like Red has quite a bit of work to do.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
....since Farmer has been clear with her about what he can offer and what he can't, I'm not sure there's anything either of you can do. It's on Red to either come to terms with the relationship as it is, or move on to someone who is a better match for her.
Click to expand...

I'm curious about this, as I've watched several of my partners over the years maintain relationships with people who were clearly unhappy being poly.

Whose responsibility is it to end a relationship when one partner wants something more/different than the other? Is it cruel to keep dating someone who has expressed more investment and more desire than you have available for them--does it encourage them to believe if they're patient they can eventually have more with you? Have you talked to Farmer about how he feels about this power dynamic--does it make him uncomfortable?

These issues have come up in several of my partnerships, and I honestly don't know the answers. I do know that in the future if one of my partners started dating someone mono who had an issue with me or polyamory, I'd need to have NOTHING to do with that whole situation. To the point that I might even distance myself from my partner if they made that choice. But that's me and my boundaries--not saying it's how you need to act.

And Mrs. Brightside, kudos to you for trying to support everyone involved in this situation, and it also sounds like you've earned a break from even having to think about this.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top