Intro and question...

G

Gracie

New member
So quick intro; I'm "Gracie." Just leaving a 15 year monogamous (well, he cheated, I didn't) relationship. I turned to an online dating site and met my current partner and found myself in a poly relationship, which I was not expecting. So, now the question... my partner is married. Apparently their marriage was not going well, so his wife suggested that instead of divorce he could see other people. He met a couple of other people before me, but when we met there was a pretty strong attraction - tons of chemistry. His wife noticed and decided that she maybe wasn't ready to let him go and suggested that rather than give me up, they start an open relationship. He was honest with me from the beginning - I knew that they were married, but not "together," he then informed me when she decided she wanted to try again, and finally I was informed when they started having sex again and the open marriage/poly talk occurred. I have since started reading More Than Two and am gathering that how the relationship started is probably a good indication that I may end up hurt?

When I first found out that he was probably not going to leave her, my inclination was to break it off, but I found that I couldn't walk away. I like him *a lot* and I trust that he feels the same. Although I never would have pictured myself in this kind of relationship before, I'm finding myself more and more drawn to it. I just left a long relationship and enjoy time to myself. I'm also returning to school for four years, so will be quite busy with that. The relationship seems to fit in many ways, actually, but the one thing I have reservations about is how it got its start. I've spoken with his wife and the feedback I got from her was that she was doing this as a way to keep him happy. She has provided time at their home for him and I by taking their kids elsewhere; she also got him a credit card so that he could keep his expenses for me separate. He says that she copes by compartmentalizing, but I don't know what the norm is. Is that how some poly relationships work? I don't think she has any desire to meet me, or continue talking to me beyond the few messages that we've exchanged. In some ways I feel like I'm just having an affair with her husband and she knows about it - it's weird. Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I guess just looking for feedback from anyone who might have had a relationship start in a similar way and it worked out...or not. Anyone?
 
Hey Gracie Welcome to the forum :D

I'd say 8o-85% of the people here are poly by circumstance for one reason or another. I know several divorced people who find this a perfect fit in there life
I for one really like the once week dates and romance and let the husband deal with the day to day stuff.

However all that being said I think you ought to prepare yourself for the meltdown in his marriage, Poly ...open isn't going to fix their marriage ....it's only going to draw you into the blast radius. Her doing this to make him happy ...not going to work long term.

Good luck ..D
 
Hi Dinged, I guess that's ultimately what I'm worried about. I really enjoy the relationship as-is, and I think he does a great job of being considerate to both of us. Although I never would have pictured myself here, I do find that I am really happy with how things are. I wonder what it means for me if things explode, though. I know no one can answer that for me, I guess I was just hoping that maybe someone had been in a similar place and avoided the "blast." We've talked about getting a big house for all of us (there are 7 children between us), but I know that he has not had these conversations with her. I am definitely falling in love with him (actually, I feel pretty secure in saying I love him already), but it is hard because I feel like she could pull the rug out at any time. Personally I'd love it if we could meet. I'd like to be able to have a bit more openness with the relationship, but he's let me know that that's just not what she wants. He's met my kids, I doubt I'll be meeting his any time soon...
 
Sounds to me like this is a combination if him needing to figure out what he wants, and you needing to figure out what you want. So he's back together with his wife and they're not splitting. Did he begrudgingly accept this? Is he doing it for the kids? Is he really still in love with his wife? Really those questions are more just leading toward what the probability is of the marriage eventually falling apart. But maybe the conversation you need to have with him is about what role he expects you to fill in his life if he's going to continue to be with his wife. Will you eventually meet the kids? Will you ever meet the kids? Is the wife going to have veto power over you? Over you meeting the kids? Your time with him? Does he see you as an equal partner to the wife? Or is there hierarchy? And for how he feels about all of this, is he making sure his wife knows how he feels the same what he's making you know how he feels?

Once you have a better understanding of where he's at and where he hopes things will go or what he's looking for, I think you can better determine if that is something you can accept and fits you or not.
 
Hello,

Just a few questions:

Do you want and/or does he want to leave his wife?

What does he see you as? Friend? Side-chick? Someone I know?

From what you've described you are participating in an open marriage. The wife knows and allows it but doesn't sound like she's accepting it. The marriage is faltering.

One thing that does pop into mind is, if the marriage ends, take care that you're not drawn into the fray with allegations of an affair. That can have ramifications on child custody, alimony, etc.

To me, reading what you wrote, the situation doesn't feel balanced. It feels off. Like its a known secret that everyone knows but few want to invite over for Sunday dinner.

What do you want?

What do you think you deserve?

What are you willing to accept?

Do you see a future in this relationship?

How is this relationship making you better or adding to your life?

Why should he leave his wife? (That stuck out at me and I don't see where that fits if the relationship is poly/open.)

I ended up with a lot of questions and I think that's what I am reading from where you are as you are writing.

I get the whole feelings and love and just wanting to be with him but at the same time, is it good for you? That's what pops out to me. Feel free to provide more feedback but outside looking in, it doesn't seem like a healthy, balanced relationship to be in. I am willing to be wrong.
 
What if he is still in love with his wife? Are you okay with this? Are you willing to respect and accept the wife's relationship with him, and is she willing to respect and accept your relationship with him?

Things you could do to make it easier for her to accept your relationship with him is to extend the same courtesy to her.

Is she a monogamous person who is having to adjust to the reality of an open marriage? Is that a contributing factor in their marital issues? If that's the case, then pressuring her into a style of poly she is not comfortable with is a really bad idea. She's a human being, and she has a say in all this, too.
 
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breathemusic said:
Sounds to me like this is a combination if him needing to figure out what he wants, and you needing to figure out what you want. So he's back together with his wife and they're not splitting. Did he begrudgingly accept this? Is he doing it for the kids? Is he really still in love with his wife? Really those questions are more just leading toward what the probability is of the marriage eventually falling apart. But maybe the conversation you need to have with him is about what role he expects you to fill in his life if he's going to continue to be with his wife. Will you eventually meet the kids? Will you ever meet the kids? Is the wife going to have veto power over you? Over you meeting the kids? Your time with him? Does he see you as an equal partner to the wife? Or is there hierarchy? And for how he feels about all of this, is he making sure his wife knows how he feels the same what he's making you know how he feels?

Once you have a better understanding of where he's at and where he hopes things will go or what he's looking for, I think you can better determine if that is something you can accept and fits you or not.
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Breathe, you ask some great questions and here is what I understand; the marriage was over, but he was not in a position to leave. I don't want to get into details, but because of his profession and their living situation, they are very intertwined. He was done in the marriage, but knew it would be difficult to leave, so he first set out looking for connections with women that would be accepting of his situation (he was living in the basement of the home and the marriage was over). Because I was also currently separated and had the same situation going on (marriage was over, but husband had not yet been able to move out), I had no issue with this. He has said that once he met me he started changing and his wife noticed and it was at that point that she decided she didn't want the marriage to be over, but that she was interested in an open relationship so that he could be happy too.

Is he still "in love" with his wife? I don't know. He loves her, though. They have been together for years, so they have a kind of love that trumps new "butterfly love" IMO. He said to me that for him it was like trying to chose between which of his children was his favorite, he loved us both for different reasons. He has only ever spoken kindly of her, he says that he loves her, but that he also loves me and doesn't want to live without me. He mentioned that he would love to help take care of me and my children and that he pictured us all in a big house with separate wings, but that he didn't think she was there yet.

Does she have veto power? Yes and no. I think that he wants to keep both of us happy. He talks to her and gets her "ok" before he plans his time with me, but she seems to be accommodating, from what I can tell so far. They have young children together, so I can understand why he would want her ok, first. I don't necessarily think it would be fair of him to just take off whenever the urge hit him and leave her with all of their children. I am actually pretty okay with that. And he is great about communicating with me what is going on between them. As far as what he tells her, yes, he tells her how he feels about me. She is the one that suggested the open marriage. I read about polyamory and forwarded an article to him, which he forwarded to her, and then she started reading on it. She says she is fine with him pursuing other interests, she just doesn't want to hear all about it, and I get that. I don't know that I really want to know about them either.

As far as what he wants, he has told me that he wants me in his life for the long haul. He has said he can't picture his life without me and that he knows if she asked him to "give me up" it would start a downward spiral for him. I don't know what that means. I think we both fill different needs. She is the mother to his children and helps him in professional ways. With me, we just have a great chemistry and a lot of fun together. I think we are both quite different in the roles that we have.
 
Perrey said:
Hello,

Just a few questions:

Do you want and/or does he want to leave his wife?

What does he see you as? Friend? Side-chick? Someone I know?

From what you've described you are participating in an open marriage. The wife knows and allows it but doesn't sound like she's accepting it. The marriage is faltering.

One thing that does pop into mind is, if the marriage ends, take care that you're not drawn into the fray with allegations of an affair. That can have ramifications on child custody, alimony, etc.

To me, reading what you wrote, the situation doesn't feel balanced. It feels off. Like its a known secret that everyone knows but few want to invite over for Sunday dinner.

What do you want?

What do you think you deserve?

What are you willing to accept?

Do you see a future in this relationship?

How is this relationship making you better or adding to your life?

Why should he leave his wife? (That stuck out at me and I don't see where that fits if the relationship is poly/open.)

I ended up with a lot of questions and I think that's what I am reading from where you are as you are writing.

I get the whole feelings and love and just wanting to be with him but at the same time, is it good for you? That's what pops out to me. Feel free to provide more feedback but outside looking in, it doesn't seem like a healthy, balanced relationship to be in. I am willing to be wrong.
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Okay, I'll try and answer your post point by point...

Does he want to leave his wife? No. They have young children and are pretty intertwined. Did I want it? Well, I expected it based on the information I had when I first met him. But I now know that that is not going to happen, and I am okay with that. I feel pretty secure with the relationship that we have.

What does he see me as? I would have to ask him. I know that he has told me that he loves me, that I make him happy and he can't picture his life without me. He knows my situation (single mom, young kids) and he wants to help. He is kind to my children and he is a great partner to me.

Yes, I would agree that right now it's more like an open marriage. He has expressed that he would like us to all be more united and that he thinks that given time his wife can come around to that. This was, according to them both, her idea and she has, so far, been accommodating to our relationship. I've been to their house a couple of times and she knew. She even took an extra day on a vacation with the kids so that we'd have an extra day to spend together.

I will agree, though, that the relationship does not feel balanced. She is still in the mode of wanting to protect her kids (he says he's not sure what the kids need protecting from) and she is not ready to come out yet. He tried to respect that, but I am a bit uncomfortable with it. For instance, when I was at his house most recently, we met and he drove me in, rather than me driving my own car, because their neighbors are family and she doesn't want to "come out" yet. That is the part that I was talking about when I said that in some ways I feel like I am just having an affair with her husband and she knows about it...and has given permission. It feels weird to me. Especially weird given that my husband had an affair on me. I feel a little uneasy at times with the role that I play. I have talked with his wife and she has given me the "green light" so to speak, but it still feels weird....

What do you want? I want to continue the relationship with him and see where it leads. I actually love the idea of us all being able to become a little more united in the future, but understand that that may take time.

What do you think you deserve? I think I deserve a partner that is willing to make time for me and make me feel valued and like I can trust him. So far, he does those things.

What are you willing to accept? I don't know the answer to this yet. I don't know if I can accept that I will remain a secret, while he is meeting my children, ex, family, etc. I have met his best friend, but beyond that there are no plans for me to be more included in their life...

Do you see a future in this relationship? yes, I do actually. We have an amazing connection and i love having him in my life. He is kind to my kids, patient and caring. He has said that he sees a future with me as well. We just seem to "fit" really well. I'm the happiest I've ever been in a relationship, which is strange, considering I never would have considered this as a relationship option before now.

How is this relationship making you better or adding to your life? It adds to my life because he makes me incredibly happy. Co-workers have commented that I'm "glowing." My children see me happy. He is thoughtful when it comes to them and wants to help me with them. We compliment each other very well. He makes me want to be a better person. Corny? IDK, but true...

Why should he leave his wife? (That stuck out at me and I don't see where that fits if the relationship is poly/open.) He shouldn't. The only reason that it was even a "thing" was because when our relationship started it was what was happening, at least as far as I knew. He told me that he was done. He had tried for the last couple of years to address the problems of the marriage and she wasn't able to accommodate his requests, so she suggested he look elsewhere. He did and found me. If he has rekindled a love with her, that is great. They have young children and I think that when children are involved, they benefit from having their parents together as long as the relationship is not volatile (something I cannot say for the relationship that my kids witnessed). I understand why he wants to stay, and I don't feel like he should leave her. I am happy with the relationship that we have together and I don't feel jealous of what he has with her. I guess maybe initially I was jealous that she got to sleep with him each night, while I slept alone, but when I reevaluated I realized that that was unfounded. I actually enjoy sleeping alone and enjoy time to myself and find that the time we spend talking and texting, combined with the time we spend in person with each other, really is enough to keep me content. I have four years of full-time school ahead of me. The schedule we have now allows me to have my "needs" met and still have time to devote to my children and school work. No complaints.
 
LifesRichPageant said:
What if he is still in love with his wife? Are you okay with this? Are you willing to respect and accept the wife's relationship with him, and is she willing to respect and accept your relationship with him?

Things you could do to make it easier for her to accept your relationship with him is to extend the same courtesy to her.

Is she a monogamous person who is having to adjust to the reality of an open marriage? Is that a contributing factor in their marital issues? If that's the case, then pressuring her into a style of poly she is not comfortable with is a really bad idea. She's a human being, and she has a say in all this, too.
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I am absolutely willing to respect their relationship. I spoke with her and told her that if she wanted me out of the picture, I would leave quietly. She told me no. I needed to hear that from her because I did not want to feel like the other woman. She is struggling with the idea that her husband is finding happiness with me. I can only imagine how that must feel for her. The only thing I can compare it to is when my husband had an affair on me. She is a strong woman to be able to accept my presence and try and move forward with things. Is she willing to accept my relationship with him? I know she has said it is hurtful and confusing, but that she accepts that he finds happiness with me and she won't ask me to leave (paraphrasing, but her words).

As far as the question about her being monogamous, yes, I think that would be fair to say. I believe, from what I've heard from the both of them, that their relationship was over. She was not wanting to "pull the trigger" so to speak, because they are pretty entwined with work/family life, so she gave her blessing for him to just go ahead and start moving on. When that happened I think she realized how she really felt and she realized she was not quite ready for that yet, so she suggested the open relationship. I do think she is struggling and I certainly sympathize with that. I think she is quite remarkable actually. She has handled herself in a way that I don't think I could if I were in her shoes.

And I definitely don't want to force her into any form of poly that she is not comfortable with. I just really don't know what the "norm" is, so I was asking. Right now I feel a bit like the "dirty little secret" (and I told him this) and he expressed that his wife is just not ready yet to come out. I would like to eventually meet her, yes, but am not going to push anyone into anything. I mainly want to meet her because I'd like to express to her that I have no desire to be a competitor of hers. I do respect their relationship and despite the fact that I don't know her, I have feeling of goodwill for her. I am in school but have experience in a profession that might be helpful to her and I'd love to be able to help their family in this way. If she doesn't want my presence, so be it, I would never force my way in, but if she is open to it eventually, I'd love to be able to give back to them. I really just have a kind and open heart towards them both, but I'm not going to inject myself anywhere but where I've been asked, and so far that is just with him.
 
Hi Gracie,

I am cautiously optimistic about your situation, I can't guarantee it will end well, but take it slow, and continue to have a wise perspective about it, and things might just turn out okay. A lot hinges on this man's wife. It depends on if she can acclimatize to the situation.

There is hardly such a thing as "the norm" in poly. People are all so unique, and their relationships are even more unique. Being friends with one's metamour is a nice perk but not required. Maybe you could work something out where you just see his wife once in awhile. That, too, kind of depends on her.

Keep us posted if you're willing, we'll keep responding and giving advice when we can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Gracie,

I'm dating a guy who is in a similar situation to your boyfriend - he's married and they have drifted apart over time, at this point they're friends and co-parents, but have no plans to split up. The big difference is I'm also married, happily, so I don't want or expect my relationship with my boyfriend to progress beyond weekly-ish dates. I love him, he's amazing, we text and talk on the phone all day - but even if we stay together for years, there's zero chance of us living together or merging our lives.

I honestly don't think your situation (or mine) is any more likely to "blow up" than any other relationship. I've been with my BF for almost 1 1/2 years, with no drama at all. Is there more potential for pain and hurt? I think that depends on how everyone's expectations line up.

If you never meet his kids, if you never live together, if you never get more of his time than you do right now ... Are you ok with that? Would you still want to be with him now, but maybe stop viewing it as a potential life long relationship? I'm not saying these things *won't* happen, just that you should think about the what-ifs, rather than bank on the idealized ending. All of you living happily ever after in one big house may not happen - that would require you and his wife to get along amazingly well, and you have no idea right now if that will be the case.

It sounds like all of you are still in the figuring out what you want stages. That's ok! Keep talking. And keep thinking, on your own and together, about what you want and need if this is going to work long term.
 
*rolls eyes* I can't begin to tell you how many times I've heard the "I'm in a loveless marriage" or "we don't sleep together anymore" or "It would be messy of I left" lines used and people STILL fall for it.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Gracie,

I am cautiously optimistic about your situation, I can't guarantee it will end well, but take it slow, and continue to have a wise perspective about it, and things might just turn out okay. A lot hinges on this man's wife. It depends on if she can acclimatize to the situation.

There is hardly such a thing as "the norm" in poly. People are all so unique, and their relationships are even more unique. Being friends with one's metamour is a nice perk but not required. Maybe you could work something out where you just see his wife once in awhile. That, too, kind of depends on her.

Keep us posted if you're willing, we'll keep responding and giving advice when we can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Thanks Kevin, I'll definitely update if things change. Slow seems to be the name of the "game." I think we all need time to get acclimated. Learning as we go...
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Hi Gracie,

I'm dating a guy who is in a similar situation to your boyfriend - he's married and they have drifted apart over time, at this point they're friends and co-parents, but have no plans to split up. The big difference is I'm also married, happily, so I don't want or expect my relationship with my boyfriend to progress beyond weekly-ish dates. I love him, he's amazing, we text and talk on the phone all day - but even if we stay together for years, there's zero chance of us living together or merging our lives.

I honestly don't think your situation (or mine) is any more likely to "blow up" than any other relationship. I've been with my BF for almost 1 1/2 years, with no drama at all. Is there more potential for pain and hurt? I think that depends on how everyone's expectations line up.

If you never meet his kids, if you never live together, if you never get more of his time than you do right now ... Are you ok with that? Would you still want to be with him now, but maybe stop viewing it as a potential life long relationship? I'm not saying these things *won't* happen, just that you should think about the what-ifs, rather than bank on the idealized ending. All of you living happily ever after in one big house may not happen - that would require you and his wife to get along amazingly well, and you have no idea right now if that will be the case.

It sounds like all of you are still in the figuring out what you want stages. That's ok! Keep talking. And keep thinking, on your own and together, about what you want and need if this is going to work long term.
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Claire, thanks for sharing; your story is encouraging to hear a similar story and know that it's been working out.

To answer your questions, I am okay with it if I don't meet his kids. It isn't a need to for to feel secure in the relationship that I have with him. More time? That one is the hard one. Honestly, I would not be happy if I only had the time that I have right now. It started off at once every two weeks and I asked for at least once a week and that's where we're at now. This past week I got 3 days in a row, which was wonderful, but going forward once a week will be about it and even then it's not a full day. He'll likely stay to get the kids in bed, come to me and then leave to be home for when they're up. Because I understand his wife needs time to get adjusted and we just spent 3 days together, I'm okay with that *for now,* but long term that is not what I really want. If we never live together? I don't know. Right now I'd say that's okay, but in 5 years when I'm done with school and life is a little less hectic, I may want something more. I've always been one to overthink and over plan and that is something I've tried to change since ending my relationship - I'm trying to live in the moment more and so for right now, I'm happy. Down the road? It's hard to say...
 
AJM said:
*rolls eyes* I can't begin to tell you how many times I've heard the "I'm in a loveless marriage" or "we don't sleep together anymore" or "It would be messy of I left" lines used and people STILL fall for it.
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Not sure what you're implying here. I've spoken with both of them so I do understand what their situation was and I know what he told me from the beginning. I also know how much my ex is laying in alimony and child support and he now lives back at home with his parents, so it's not a joke that it certainly would be hard to leave. I won't get into the details of his profession but she also works with him and their living situation is tricky. I didn't fall for anything. He told me from day one that he didn't know what would end up happening. I went into it knowing that there were no guarantees, but I was okay with that because no relationship comes with a guarantee.
 
Plus you explained that they decided to patch up their marriage anyway. I don't think you fell for anything.

Re (from Gracie):
"Honestly, I would not be happy if I only had the time that I have right now."
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Would one solution be taking on a second partner? Just a thought
 
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