I had a good long talk with it about my sister last night and she confirmed that she really doesn't think I did anything wrong in the beginning, and that he was presenting a very different persona at first so it would have been near impossible to know then that something was "up" (except the no condom thing on the first date, which she agrees was a huge red flag). I talked to her about it back in Dec when things were new, and she actually complimented me on how balanced I was being with things with him. And I was. I was actually still dating two other people when I first met him. I was taking my time. I was keeping my focus on my own activities and work etc. She actually thinks I handled everything in a very mature way by continuing to take care of myself, being very clear with him and communicating my needs clearly, and taking my time before opening up emotionally to him. I know I made a mistake by jumping into bed with him too quickly . . .
I don't think you're being realistic in looking at how things played out. You are avoiding looking at your own responsibility for your well-being. Yes, he may be fucked-up, a user, and a narcissist, whatever, but each person in a relationship is 100% responsible for their part in it. It isn't 50-50; it's 100-100.
After that first drunken night, you kept on allowing him to fuck you bareback from then on. You didn't put sex on hold until you both were tested and saw the results. You did not speak up about how he violated and disrespected you. You brushed it off, and basically not calling him on it gave him a green light to keep being a shit towards you.
Let's also look at how you let him tie you up and completely immobilize you physically -- basically a stranger on a first date. It's fine that you were both into kink, but where was your common sense? You put yourself in a dangerous situation -- he was someone with whom you did not have a history, did not know whether he would be trustworthy or not to respect your safewords or telling him no. You let him tie you up, leaving you unable to move, while you were drunk. You asked him to put a condom on instead of telling or insisting he do it. You let him set the precedent for your relationship, by continuing not to use condoms. But now you're analyzing HIM in your therapy and getting people to agree with you that he's a monster, instead of examining FULLY the part you played in making this mess.
I am not saying what he did was okay. Of course it wasn't. He is responsible for his part, as you are for yours. But for someone who keeps insisting you were in a good place in your life and so balanced when you met him, your behavior was way, way off from that. You were not smart. You acted irresponsibly and put yourself at risk. And now you are still talking to this asshole - what the fuck? When are you going to find your spine and treat yourself well and with respect?
What I am saying is not victim-blaming. It is about personal responsibility. I agree that you need to learn how to form and defend your own personal boundaries. Do whatever you can to build your self-esteem (by doing esteemable things), develop a backbone, and
respect yourself. Until you respect you, no one else will, and you will keep meeting and getting involved with jerks like him.
Forget him, forget trash-talking him to anyone who will listen, forget reading up about narcissists and psychopaths. All of that is still devoting your energies on him, and he doesn't deserve your attention and focus. What are you going to do FOR YOU? You should care deeply for YOURSELF. Your heart should be breaking for YOU, not him.
