My ex-husband constantly told me I was trying to manipulate or blackmail him if I said "I'm having a problem with this and it's upsetting me, we need to talk." (He also frequently told me and others that I wouldn't have any problems if I took meds for "being crazy"... there are many reasons he's my ex.) I often didn't even sound angry when I spoke, and was trying to be calm and constructive, but would be accused of "yelling" at him and picking fights to "upset" him.
It took me a very long time with Hubby to trust that I could actually say to him, "Here's a problem we need to fix together." Sometimes I still have that problem with him, because there have been ups and downs in our marriage, and during the downs he either doesn't want to hear about the problems, or he says he'll work on them and then doesn't. But most of the time, if I get angry and ranty, he ignores me or tells me to speak to him when I've calmed down (assuming I don't say up front "I'm feeling angry and ranty, and I need to go calm down before we talk), and if I approach him calmly, he's more than willing to work with me. By his own admission he doesn't like to work, but he'd rather work on problems than lose me.
One of the good things S2 did with me was help me manage my anger when there was an issue between us. And when I say "help me", I just mean that he was consistently calm, willing to listen, and willing to either problem-solve with me or listen to my suggestions to solve the problems. He claimed he wasn't good at "relationshippy stuff", but, like Hubby, he wanted to do the work rather than lose me. Even after he'd essentially decided the relationship was over, he was still willing to work on problems between us.
And Woody... working on problems with Woody is mostly easy. All I have to say is "There's a problem," and he says "Tell me what the problem is and let's fix it." Even though he and I have communication issues that sometimes lead to one or both of us getting frustrated, he wants to stick with it and work with me to solve things. (The communication issues are partly a matter of both of us having "I know what I mean, why don't you" syndrome, a/k/a we sometimes don't give the other full information because it doesn't occur to us that it needs to be spoken; and partly that he tends to use words I take negatively to mean something different, such as saying "jealous" when he means "envious" or even just "kinda bummed about not having that.")
With both Hubby and Woody--and with S2 when he was a factor--it's a lot easier to manage my temper, because all three of them have very calm, mellow personalities and don't get angry easily. (The only time I remember seeing S2 angry was with someone else who'd hurt me.) But because of my baggage about trying to communicate problems, I sometimes get frustrated and/or anxious about not being able to say what I mean, or about them getting angry if I phrase things long or take too long to explain.
That, I think, is where the being authentic comes in. Hubby and Woody know I have anxiety. They know about the baggage from my first marriage and, before that, from having parents and a grandmother who accused me of lying if I phrased things wrong, or refused to listen or yelled at me if I took too long to explain something. So if I start feeling frustrated or anxious during a discussion, I don't hide it. I don't lash out; that's where the managing my temper comes in. But at those times, I'm likely to start crying and to raise my voice, and I'll say, "I'm getting really frustrated because I feel like you aren't listening" or "because I can't get the right words out and it's pissing me off."
I'm being authentic because I am acknowledging to myself and them how I feel and how I'm acting, but I'm doing it in a harmless, constructive way because I've learned how to verbalize the emotion and what's causing it. Sometimes that derails the discussion, because we have to navigate through whatever's frustrating me before we can get back to the original issue, but it still works.
(There are also times, though very few, when I lose my temper, and physically lash out--in my bedroom, at my pillow or my mattress or my stuffed wolf that Hubby bought me for this purpose. I can hold my temper long enough to get to a place away from whichever guy I'm talking to so I can beat the shit out of an inanimate object, because at those times the loss of temper is often being caused by a piece of baggage from the past, and I respond like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Which is also authentic, and which I own and acknowledge as not a good thing, but at least I do so without hurting anyone else.)
It took me a very long time with Hubby to trust that I could actually say to him, "Here's a problem we need to fix together." Sometimes I still have that problem with him, because there have been ups and downs in our marriage, and during the downs he either doesn't want to hear about the problems, or he says he'll work on them and then doesn't. But most of the time, if I get angry and ranty, he ignores me or tells me to speak to him when I've calmed down (assuming I don't say up front "I'm feeling angry and ranty, and I need to go calm down before we talk), and if I approach him calmly, he's more than willing to work with me. By his own admission he doesn't like to work, but he'd rather work on problems than lose me.
One of the good things S2 did with me was help me manage my anger when there was an issue between us. And when I say "help me", I just mean that he was consistently calm, willing to listen, and willing to either problem-solve with me or listen to my suggestions to solve the problems. He claimed he wasn't good at "relationshippy stuff", but, like Hubby, he wanted to do the work rather than lose me. Even after he'd essentially decided the relationship was over, he was still willing to work on problems between us.
And Woody... working on problems with Woody is mostly easy. All I have to say is "There's a problem," and he says "Tell me what the problem is and let's fix it." Even though he and I have communication issues that sometimes lead to one or both of us getting frustrated, he wants to stick with it and work with me to solve things. (The communication issues are partly a matter of both of us having "I know what I mean, why don't you" syndrome, a/k/a we sometimes don't give the other full information because it doesn't occur to us that it needs to be spoken; and partly that he tends to use words I take negatively to mean something different, such as saying "jealous" when he means "envious" or even just "kinda bummed about not having that.")
With both Hubby and Woody--and with S2 when he was a factor--it's a lot easier to manage my temper, because all three of them have very calm, mellow personalities and don't get angry easily. (The only time I remember seeing S2 angry was with someone else who'd hurt me.) But because of my baggage about trying to communicate problems, I sometimes get frustrated and/or anxious about not being able to say what I mean, or about them getting angry if I phrase things long or take too long to explain.
That, I think, is where the being authentic comes in. Hubby and Woody know I have anxiety. They know about the baggage from my first marriage and, before that, from having parents and a grandmother who accused me of lying if I phrased things wrong, or refused to listen or yelled at me if I took too long to explain something. So if I start feeling frustrated or anxious during a discussion, I don't hide it. I don't lash out; that's where the managing my temper comes in. But at those times, I'm likely to start crying and to raise my voice, and I'll say, "I'm getting really frustrated because I feel like you aren't listening" or "because I can't get the right words out and it's pissing me off."
I'm being authentic because I am acknowledging to myself and them how I feel and how I'm acting, but I'm doing it in a harmless, constructive way because I've learned how to verbalize the emotion and what's causing it. Sometimes that derails the discussion, because we have to navigate through whatever's frustrating me before we can get back to the original issue, but it still works.
(There are also times, though very few, when I lose my temper, and physically lash out--in my bedroom, at my pillow or my mattress or my stuffed wolf that Hubby bought me for this purpose. I can hold my temper long enough to get to a place away from whichever guy I'm talking to so I can beat the shit out of an inanimate object, because at those times the loss of temper is often being caused by a piece of baggage from the past, and I respond like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Which is also authentic, and which I own and acknowledge as not a good thing, but at least I do so without hurting anyone else.)
