Insecurities leading to problems

S

SheBLittleButFierce

New member
So I am not recently polyamorous. I was only monogamous for my 10 year marriage of which we spend under five years together. In all technicality my ex-husband was poly but I had to be monogamous to "earn his trust" and I stupidly agreed to this. :mad:

Now that my marriage is finally over, I have stepped back into who I was before...but I changed more than I was expecting. I've had some very bad experiences in my past in which a large majority of men in my life have violated consent, abused, or emotionally destroyed me. And it left a very big mark.

Now I find that I'm hiding behind my children (I can't let people in because I'm a busy single mom of two) or I'm making excuses (he'll hurt me or violate me because that's what keeps happening to me) to get out of dating. While many may disagree, I could live with being single for good. But that's where the trouble starts.

A VERY good friend of mine has become an intimate part of my life. This man was going to be a part of my life for good, even if it was as an acquaintance-friend because of how much I value him and the way his mind works. But it went further and feelings I've had for him from the start (I was hiding those well dammit) are now running full steam ahead. We are intimate and have had three some with other women (which I'm thrilled with as I've had no female lovers for too many years). But now I'm terrified. I'm a mom, with a mom's body. I'm opinionated and loud. I'm the antithesis of the owned woman staying at home and may even suck at cooking because of my own psychological block to this objectification of women as servants in a man's home. I'm also, everything he wants. But that stupid little voice says that I'm too me to be what he wants. We're both poly. He only chooses women who have strength and ethics and kind, caring hearts. So I'm not bothered there either. I'm literally sabotaging myself.

I have always cared for him but kept it at bay. I can't change and he's not asking me to but I'm so scared that I finally fell head over heels and this time alone won't mean edification, it will mean destruction. And "alone" isn't even something he's considering!

The truth is that I went through several life-changing traumas and an emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive marriage and I'm not the same trusting, happy person I once was. I'm afraid of not being loved but despite assurances that I'm very lovable, my mental answer is that I'm still not worthy of it or that I will destroy this eventually.

I know I'm not the only person that has sabotaged their own happiness, and I'm confident that polyamorous individuals are more likely to have defeated these tendencies in their own past. How do you, as women or men, overcome these? I can't mess this up...it means more than any relationship ever has. Please help me overcome this. All tips and advice are welcome.
 
you're maybe getting ahead of yourself

I'm uncertain of the timeframe, but your phrasing suggests that things are moving a little too fast.

Of all the points to jump out at me, it's the "threesomes" thing, so I want to run with that.

Most of my lovers have been bisexual, & often themselves sexually involved, but three-a-bed was by far the exception, & those almost always a matter of happy coincidence.

This was in large part due to my preference. Most times, I prefer (by far) to focus my attention on one person, shutting out the rest of the world.

Having "moresomes" doesn't mean you're poly, or "swinging" & "polyamory" would be interchangeable terms. There's nothing wrong with sexual exploration, but (thus far) nothing you've said suggests you're anything but in a sexually open monogamous relationship.

When you start wanting to seek out connections of your own with other women -- or even MEN :eek: -- then you can start worrying about poly. Until then, maybe you're just the "beard" for a guy with a rather boring "girl on girl" fetish. Or maybe he's YOUR beard to catch up with a long-repressed bisexual drive.

As for your concerns: if he's half as good-hearted & worldly as you say, then he'll be able to keep his ego in check & help you weed out & examine & address your needs.
 
Ravenscroft said:
I'm uncertain of the timeframe, but your phrasing suggests that things are moving a little too fast.

As for your concerns: if he's half as good-hearted & worldly as you say, then he'll be able to keep his ego in check & help you weed out & examine & address your needs.
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I should have clarified the timeline. I was poly ten years ago before my marriage. Separated for six years but friends (platonic only) with my current partner for nearly 5 years. What we have now has been going on for over a year and the two threesomes are very recent and I instigated one of them. I haven't dated anyone else steadily yet except for this guy and I want to but I'm scared and can't find a verifiable reason to be.

He does help to an extent...but he's mostly brain and less emotion. My relationship with him never challenged my confidence until I started to admit to myself that I actually love him and have for a long time. He has seen my intellect and capacity for logic and is baffled and getting frustrated that the normal me is letting this irrational fear creep in. I don't know where it's coming from and it is NOT who I am. I survived a war, abuse and assault and am a successful and mostly happy mom. There's no way love can destroy me this easily. There has to be something I can do about it.
 
Hi SheBLittleButFierce,

Your problem sounds complicated and may need the help of a therapist. I don't mean that as a put-down, believe me I've had many therapists in the past (and am currently on meds, Xanax and Zyprexa).

My only suggestion for the moment is to take things slow, which I think you are already doing. I think if you explain to your boyfriend the trauma that you've been through in the past, he should be understanding.

The good news is, you may be in an amazing relationship. :D You deserve the best!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think that oftentimes what will get in the way of our own happiness is the meanings we ascribe to certain feelings, events, etc. You were confident and feeling upbeat and good about how your life is going UNTIL you realized you love this man. So, for me, the next logical question is... what does loving someone mean to you?

I had a similar experience. I was having a great friendship with great sex with a man, and felt really confident and happy. Then it dawned on me that I loved him - and things got weird. In my head.

I had to examine the beliefs I had about love and what it means. If I believe, for example, that when you love someone a marriage or marriage-like commitment is where we're "supposed to be" heading, and I also have issues/fears/traumas surrounding any marriage-like commitments in my past (such as feeling like a failure, or that I didn't measure up), then I will probably be bent out of shape at the idea of being in love with this someone, especially if I want to hang onto the good feelings and don't want it to "fail." When we unconsciously give credence to old belief systems that were ingrained in us at an early age, or which we developed out of dealing with a trauma, we are not present in the here and now.

I know my beliefs about love and what it is supposed to mean to me to love someone were "programmed" into me by society and my family. But, in truth, love is just a feeling. Nothing about a relationship has to change when I love that person. So, when insecurities or other anxieties rise up in me in relation to the love I feel for someone, I have to look at it for what it is and remind myself that that programming is just wallpaper, in the background, and it doesn't have to take over how I am in my relationships. Seeing our beliefs for what they are can give us an incredible amount of freedom and relief because then it isn't going to always be automatic and unconscious. You can take a step back when the insecurity comes up and say, "Oh, there it is again," and then get on with your life -- without the insecurities running your life.

If I were you, I would gently dig a little deeper and contemplate what love means to you, and see if there are any old belief systems at play that are keeping you from being engaged in the present and appreciating what you have for what it is.
 
I've had some very bad experiences in my past in which a large majority of men in my life have violated consent, abused, or emotionally destroyed me. And it left a very big mark.
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I am sorry this has happened in your past. Are you ready to lay the past to rest? Unpack the baggage and let some of it go? Are you in counseling to help you heal from all the past stuff?

Because it seems like you want to move forward with this man. But are getting in your own way. And you recognize it. So you are at a crossroads place. If you are putting yourself out there as a healthy dating partner when you are not actually healthy and healed? That is your doing. You have to figure out how to address that.

  • Either get busy sorting your stuff so you can BECOME healthy and catch that stuff up WHILE dating him.
  • Or stop dating him until you are healthy.

Because if you are not quite ready to face your past, face you fears, unpack baggage, let it go, change self limiting core beliefs, and so on? Not ready at this time? You might be "willing but not yet able."

In your shoes? I would either become willing and get on with addressing my baggage with a counselor and ask the man if he wants to date me during this process or if he prefers to wait until I am done with this process.

Or I would accept I am not yet willing. Then I would stop seeing the man so these romance feelings don't keep letting stoked and driving me crazy. I would stop sharing sex, and I would stop dating him in order to allow those "romantic /crush/falling in love" feelings die down. And I could more comfortable postponing addressing my past issues.

It isn't a fence sitter. You just pick what you want to be doing at this time and go for it.

Either way is a valid approach. YOU get to pick how you want to navigate your life choices.

But FWIW -- maybe it isn't "destruction" but "growth" you are feeling. Or if it is "destruction" -- is it really so bad to "destroy" and let go of these self limiting beliefs? It doesn't sound like he is telling you you are "less than" and "not enough."

It sounds like YOU telling yourself that. Why be your own self bully? Terrorizing yourself?

But now I'm terrified. I'm a mom, with a mom's body. I'm opinionated and loud. I'm the antithesis of the owned woman staying at home and may even suck at cooking because of my own psychological block to this objectification of women as servants in a man's home. I'm also, everything he wants. But that stupid little voice says that I'm too me to be what he wants.
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Is that your voice talking in there? Or a voice from a past abuser that took up residence?

The truth is that I went through several life-changing traumas and an emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive marriage and I'm not the same trusting, happy person I once was. I'm afraid of not being loved but despite assurances that I'm very lovable, my mental answer is that I'm still not worthy of it or that I will destroy this eventually.
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You are worthy of having relationships you enjoy.

So you date the guy and it doesn't work out. Why is that "you destroyed this eventually" rather than simply "We tried it on and it wasn't the right fit after all." :confused:

I know it can be hard to learn to trust again, and believe you can cope should a relationship not work out. But the only way to grow confident in that is to get out there and do it and fear doom things and find out.... no doom happened. What happened was you coping just fine.

It either works out with the man or you break up PEACEFULLY rather than all crazy wonky like your past breakups have been.

Maybe you take the bull by the horns and TELL HIM how you want to be broken up with respectfully if it turns out it needs to end. Then you don't have to be pre-worrying about it? Be the "fierce" in your alias. Take it on.

There's no way love can destroy me this easily.
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Why do you view sharing love with him as "destructive" rather than "constructive?"

Are you so attached to the tall brick walls you built up around you to protect you in the past that you are loath to dismantle them in the present? Even though you seem to see they no longer serve you in the present day and might be overkill now?

Are you willing to change them into a waist high picket fence with a gate instead? So you keep random dogs that poop all over out of your heart garden, but can see who is there and invite the people you like in?

You seem to want to let him in and take a chance.

Galagirl
 
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nycindie said:
I think that oftentimes what will get in the way of our own happiness is the meanings we ascribe to certain feelings, events, etc. You were confident and feeling upbeat and good about how your life is going UNTIL you realized you love this man. So, for me, the next logical question is... what does loving someone mean to you?
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This is brilliant and at the heart of what you're experiencing, SheB.

Love is pretty much the only thing in this world and any other that can bring many of us super capable and experienced people to our knees. To nycindie's insightful personal answer, I'll add that to me, love means that someone can leave and could crush me. I know that I'll not really be crushed and that life will go on and that I'll rise from the ashes, etc. etc. etc., but all the same - I've experienced crippling fears at the realization that I loved someone. If I love you, you can hurt me. If I love you, you can leave me bereft. If I love you, you can slam the door in my face and leave me face down in the snow. Now, that may or may not be true, but the fear of it happening sure can take me over sometimes and drown out every confident, self-possessed and grown up thought that I have about myself. Recognizing this, I've been able to see the fear for what it is and as nycindie says, say "Oh, there it is again," and then get on with your life -- without the insecurities running your life." People talk about falling in love like it's one big pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, but the reality for many of us is that it's just about the most terrifying experience we can ever hope to have. Once you accept that love carries all sorts of very frightening associations, you can start unpacking them and looking at them for what they are - just fears and frightening associations, not facts or even near certainties. But the first step is definitely to ask yourself: What does love mean to you?
 
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Thank you GalaGirl. I do want to do this while I'm dating him. He helps to be stronger facing my own demons. I'm moving to a new state soon as well and I'm hoping for a better counselor. My current Veterans MST counselor seems intent on helping me get remarried as if marriage can cure my past so I'm looking forward to finding a new provider for sure!:eek:

I'm ready to face this...I just hate being scared. Thank you for the advice and insight. It was very much appreciated!:)
 
Thank you nycindie!
I honestly don't know what love means to me. For my children it's the best form of love I've ever witnessed or experienced...but the rest of it is ambiguous and difficult to traverse. Is there literature to help with this?

My counselor seems to think love is settling down and getting remarried so there's a complete disconnect between her and me. I don't really feel comfortable seeking her help with this particular question.

Thanks for your insight! I truly appreciate it!:)
 
Maybe it helps to frame it as "What is loving behavior to me? What is not loving behavior to me?"

Get away from the "nebulous" stuff and focus more on concrete stuff you can see, do, measure.

Coming over to break all your dishes? That's clearly not loving behavior!

Coming over and greeting you with a smile and hug? Clearly that's loving behavior.

Sounds like your partner does loving behaviors toward you.
Sounds like you do loving behaviors toward him.

Are there behaviors you want him to do more of right now?
Are there behaviors you want him to stop doing right now?

Are there behaviors he wants you to do more of right now?
Are there behaviors he wants you to stop doing right now?

If he does behaviors you like, can you express gratitude?

If he does behaviors you don't like, can you ask him to stop doing that and start doing THIS instead? Sure you can. No need to be scared.

You probably pretty much do it in parenting life -- "don't hit your sister. That's not kind behavior. Use soft hands."

"Thank you for setting the table for everyone. That was kind behavior. I appreciate that."

Maybe you could focus on "behavior done/not done" until you move and have the new counselor so you have a "for now" handle on it?

Galagirl
 
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