Help. My metamour scares me.

C

Concerned

New member
My partner's new partner is emotionally unstable and trying to come between him and I. He is the sort of person who likes to help people and has been recently bereaved so he is not his strongest self at the moment. She tries to manipulate him into breaking our agreements claiming that it is not fair that he sets agreements with me (I've been with him longer) that impact on her. He does a good job of telling her that it is his decision, not mine, but she wears him down a lot and he has admitted that he finds her erratic moods and aggression towards people in his life exhausting at times.

I don't want her to succeed in breaking us up but I feel unsafe with her around. She scares me. You will think that everything is okay and a meeting with her went well only to find out afterwards that she is secretly raging because you are there or some other imagined slight. I have spoken to my partner and he says that he is dealing with it and that I should not read the things that she writes about me and his other partners but I would rather know where her mind is headed because as I said, I am really scared of her and what she might do.

I do not want to give my partner an ultimatum but I cannot keep feeling unsafe. What do I do?
 
Don't involve yourself with her at all. Don't read things from her. Don't meet with her. Don't talk about her. Set that boundary for yourself with your partner. He wants to continue seeing her? You can't stop that, since he's an adult capable of making his own decisions. That does NOT mean you have to be around someone that feels threatening to you.

As a side note... Does she know you have access to things she writes? If not, it's really unethical for you to be reading them anyway, IMO. People have a right to private conversation with their partners, so unless she's agreed to not have that... You should cut it out anyway.

ETA: I also don't judge her for chafing at you creating rules that affect her. I wouldn't want things pre-decided for me without my participation in the process at all. She may not be handling it in a sane manner, but that is a legitimate complaint on her part. How would you feel if she got to decide things about YOUR relationship without asking you first?
 
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Concerned said:
You will think that everything is okay and a meeting with her went well only to find out afterwards that she is secretly raging because you are there or some other imagined slight?
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Welcome to life. I work in Corporate IT and get this on a weekly basis.
 
Concerned said:
....I would rather know where her mind is headed because as I said, I am really scared of her and what she might do.
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You actually can never know where her mind is, even if you do read her messages (which is not OK or ethical, as Always has said.) You can create all sorts of terrible stories in your mind from reading her messages, but you can't be in her mind. You imagine that you're protecting yourself by being scared and reading her messages, but you're really not. You're putting more energy into the whirlwind and adding to the drama, not averting it. Focus on your own peaceful, clear, loving and separate presence. It's remarkable how very little drama erupts when others just don't participate with the Drama Queen.



Concerned said:
....she wears him down a lot
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Similarly, nobody can be "worn down" unless he particiaptes in that, as well. This woman may indeed be difficult for many people to get along with, but a little (or a lot) more personal responsibilty here would really help settle things down.
 
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Yikes!

I had this very thing happen recently...but it ended up being in my head. She was brand new and my usually deliberate and careful male hetero poly partner went head over heels for her in just 2 months (we've been together a year). That was fine and for two months I wasnt worried or upset. Until the day before I got there. Then she drug her feet and my last week long visit to him was interrupted by her emotional state twice! I was livid. When I found that she didn't want to even see me I wanted her gone!

But then she came to talk to me the last day I was there and explained how the entire situation made her feel. She was just as taken with my partner as I was (no duh there) and she was so used to monogamy that even though she logically agreed to open-relationships she couldn't make her gut feeling go along with it. She realized how he felt for me and felt that she needed to let me know that she didn't hate me. That meant the world to me! I realized that the stalling and the scenarios were in my head. Her timing was just awful, but she didn't do any of that on purpose.

I had literally constructed this monogamy searching, pretending to be poly to trap a man and a wallet, bitch that was out to dictate my life and I was completely wrong. Maybe if you express to your partner that you're building a vision of her in your head, one that is damaging to your happiness, he can make it clear to her that she needs to think about what is going on.

And I'll be honest with you...if he won't do that for you, it's time to hold him accountable. If my partner hadn't even tried to explain why this new woman meant so much and hadn't worked to settle what I thought was happening (I was wrong) I would have explained to him that I couldn't stay. You deserve loyalty and love and polyamory should provide both. She might just be confused though. If not, confronting him and why he's letting her trample on you is the next item on the agenda!
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I think there are choices you can make that are different from the choices you are currently taking.

You could not read her stuff.

You could not hang out with them.

You could hold up this mirror when you observe it...

she wears him down a lot and he has admitted that he finds her erratic moods and aggression towards people in his life exhausting at times.
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... and tell him you notice he's exhausted.

OR... you could not talk about her at all with him. Let it all be his thing to deal with.

You could also take a break and not date him while he's dating her. Your participation always belongs to you. If things have changed so there's this new person in his poly network? You don't have to automatically continue with him.

He's the one picking her out. Not you.

I do not want to give my partner an ultimatum but I cannot keep feeling unsafe. What do I do?
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You are the one picking HIM out. You could stop. Then you don't have to be around that if you choose not to be. Telling him "I don't feel safe with this new person in your poly network. I need to bow out" is not an ultimatum. It's you reaching a personal limitation. Everyone has a limit. If you have reached your limit of "Ok, that's it. I don't feel safe here. This is too much for me" then it is fair to bow out and stop participating.

You are always in charge of your willingness to participate. You are not telling him what to do like in an ultimatum. Nowhere in there have you said "Do X or else!" You are deciding what you do so you can feel better.

Galagirl
 
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I CANT sail into tortuga all by me onesies

jack-sparrow-quotes-the-only-rules-that-really-matter.jpg


You CANT control or change who your partner is seeing, or change who she is

You CAN refuse to be with this unhealthy individual, or talk to your partner. Ultimatums are not great, but you can ask your partner why they are willing to be with someone they agree is unhealthy
 
GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle.

I think there are choices you can make that are different from the choices you are currently taking.

He's the one picking her out. Not you.



You are the one picking HIM out. You could stop. Then you don't have to be around that if you choose not to be. Telling him "I don't feel safe with this new person in your poly network. I need to bow out" is not an ultimatum. It's you reaching a personal limitation. Everyone has a limit. If you have reached your limit of "Ok, that's it. I don't feel safe here. This is too much for me" then it is fair to bow out and stop participating.

You are always in charge of your willingness to participate. You are not telling him what to do like in an ultimatum. Nowhere in there have you said "Do X or else!" You are deciding what you do so you can feel better.

Galagirl
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I love this response! GalaGirl is right, you can't control what he does. You can definitely tell him about your fears though. Honestly, if she has a platform to voice complaints about an already existing relationship, then you have that too. If you can't voice your fears then you do need to re-evaluate your connection to him. I'm sure your partner would never dream of insisting that you have to be intimate with someone you don't consent to, so it is his responsibility (since it is his decision to keep this girl in his life) to keep her life from intimately affecting yours.
 
Hi Concerned,

If you gave your partner an ultimatum, there is a chance that he would "call your bluff" and break up with you. If you don't give your partner an ultimatum, there is a chance that his new partner will convince him to break up with you. Either way, there is a chance that he will not stay with you. So, there is nothing you can do to eliminate that chance. Which is why I suggest don't even bother with an ultimatum, it would just be more time and trouble for you only to end up with the same peril.

Have you simply told him, "I wish you would break up with her." If you have, what was his response?

How are you getting access to things she has written? Does she send them out in emails and carbon you?

Ultimately, he is the one deciding to continue to see her. Your decision is whether to keep on seeing him.

I hope we can help you make the best choice.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
Don't involve yourself with her at all. Don't read things from her. Don't meet with her. Don't talk about her. Set that boundary for yourself with your partner. He wants to continue seeing her? You can't stop that, since he's an adult capable of making his own decisions. That does NOT mean you have to be around someone that feels threatening to you.

As a side note... Does she know you have access to things she writes? If not, it's really unethical for you to be reading them anyway, IMO. People have a right to private conversation with their partners, so unless she's agreed to not have that... You should cut it out anyway.

ETA: I also don't judge her for chafing at you creating rules that affect her. I wouldn't want things pre-decided for me without my participation in the process at all. She may not be handling it in a sane manner, but that is a legitimate complaint on her part. How would you feel if she got to decide things about YOUR relationship without asking you first?
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My partner and I had a relationship before she came along. When he met her, there were some agreements we had to make to ensure our relationship did not suffer. For example, if he chooses to keep a certain day of the week free for me as it is the only day I have completely free, that is up to him. Yes, that does mean that she cannot see him on that day but it is something he WANTS to do to make sure his previous relationships do not suffer for new ones. Similarly, I might say to him that I want to stop fluid bonding if he intends to fluid bond with anyone else in addition to me. That is my right. If he then decides not to fluid bond with anyone else to make sure we can continue without condoms, that is up to him. She does not get a say. He has tried to explain this to her but she insists that us making such decisions about our relationship is unfair on her.

The things she writes are completely public (mediocre anonymity) for anyone to see. I am certainly not reading their private correspondence. My partner would never allow that. I believe she writes these horrible things about us to try and scare us away from him so she can have him to herself. That is why I am reluctant to let her win by giving any kind of ultimatum. I cannot help being scared of her though.

FallenAngelina said:
You actually can never know where her mind is, even if you do read her messages (which is not OK or ethical, as Always has said.) You can create all sorts of terrible stories in your mind from reading her messages, but you can't be in her mind. You imagine that you're protecting yourself by being scared and reading her messages, but you're really not. You're putting more energy into the whirlwind and adding to the drama, not averting it. Focus on your own peaceful, clear, loving and separate presence. It's remarkable how very little drama erupts when others just don't participate with the Drama Queen.




Similarly, nobody can be "worn down" unless he particiaptes in that, as well. This woman may indeed be difficult for many people to get along with, but a little (or a lot) more personal responsibilty here would really help settle things down.
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As I said, I DO NOT read her messages. I read public posts that she makes about him, me, and his other partners. I am reading the posts because I do not trust her and want to know if she seems like she may do something threatening or dangerous, quite frankly. She has a lot of anger and resentment towards his other partners, but me especially.

GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle.

I think there are choices you can make that are different from the choices you are currently taking.

You could not read her stuff.

You could not hang out with them.

You could hold up this mirror when you observe it...



... and tell him you notice he's exhausted.

OR... you could not talk about her at all with him. Let it all be his thing to deal with.

You could also take a break and not date him while he's dating her. Your participation always belongs to you. If things have changed so there's this new person in his poly network? You don't have to automatically continue with him.

He's the one picking her out. Not you.



You are the one picking HIM out. You could stop. Then you don't have to be around that if you choose not to be. Telling him "I don't feel safe with this new person in your poly network. I need to bow out" is not an ultimatum. It's you reaching a personal limitation. Everyone has a limit. If you have reached your limit of "Ok, that's it. I don't feel safe here. This is too much for me" then it is fair to bow out and stop participating.

You are always in charge of your willingness to participate. You are not telling him what to do like in an ultimatum. Nowhere in there have you said "Do X or else!" You are deciding what you do so you can feel better.

Galagirl
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I feel like he has a white knight syndrome and for various reasons, he feels compelled to help her to his own detriment. I also feel like she is purposely trying to make us feel uncomfortable and drive us away and I do not want her to succeed. He is aware of my discomfort about her, but he feels that he does enough to shield us all from her behavior. I think her behavior is so bad that only him breaking up with her will solve the issue. He has ensured that the time we spend together is minimal.
 
The situation sounds legintimately scary. Is he legitimately trustworthy? Because in the end, that's what matters.
 
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At the same time, "I've been with him longer" isn't a reason in and of itself. If any relationship is going to be legitimate, it's going to have influence. My metamour only has one day off. She and our partner also have an additional day that their main going out and bonding events happen periodically. My partner and I try and have an overnight once a week. Though it's legitimate for her to ask for her day to be kept as much as possible, and their schedule out to be accommodated, there are times when that would mean not doing a once--in-a-lifetime opportunity with my partner, or that I get no overnight time, which is as vital to us as the other activities are to them.. So she's been pretty generous about flex, and I avoid creating conflicts as much as possible by rearranging my schedule. And neither of us get what we want all the time.

What is fair is that proportionately, all take on the shared burden of poly relationships. It may at this point because of the newness be appropriate for him to choose to minimize your risk with condoms and keep to a prearranged schedule. Long-term, though, there needs to be openness for change that is proportionate to the appropriate prioritization shifts that occur. Eventually with a lasting relationship you are both going to be long-term partners, and there will be no hierarchy based on time. (Or shouldn't be).

If your all squared away with that and she's still being dramatic? Learning opportunity.. She'll either drive your partner away, or he'll learn how to stand up for you, or you will learn how to stand up for yourself (which I suspect you'll do well.). Or you'll learn how to treat eachother in a manner that feels unthreatening to all.
 
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It sounds like what you need here is security. That can come from you being internally secure, her being a decent and skilled person, or your partner having good boundaries. Ideally, all 3, but only one you have control of.

Inner security isn't knowing nothing will change. It's knowing that if it does, you can handle it.

Do you know what you are afraid of? Can you see your path if it happens and know you will be okay?

Do you know what group dynamics you would like to foster (consideration, flexibility, privacy, seeing the other pereon's point of view) to make it more likely to be peaceful in the end? Because that's another area you can have influence. If you develop that attitude towards your metamour, and ask for it for yourself from your partner, all wil benefit.
 
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I feel like he has a white knight syndrome and for various reasons, he feels compelled to help her to his own detriment. I also feel like she is purposely trying to make us feel uncomfortable and drive us away and I do not want her to succeed.
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Does that apply to you as well? :confused:

Do you have white knight syndrome and for various reasons, you feel compelled to stick with him to your own detriment?

Where does "I want to be safe and healthy" rank? Is it like this in your priority list:

1) I want to be safe and healthy
2) I do not want her to succeed in driving us away​


or like this:

1) I do not want her to succeed in driving us away
2) I want to be safe and healthy​

Or something else? :confused:

I cannot tell if you are still deciding what to do or if you have decided to stick with him while he dates her and just deal with feeling super uncomfortable and unsafe by trusting him to keep her away from you.

Galagirl
 
You are still willfully participating in the drama. Just stop. You're "not wanting her to win" isn't a healthy relationship dynamic. It's not a competition. She can't force your BF to do anything, it's his call. You do not need to hear how she reacts to his decisions or their conversations. It's his job to manage that, or decide he wants out. You cannot control his relationship decisions: if he leaves you, that's his choice, not her winning.

I haven't seen where she has threatened you. has she? Otherwise, you lack of feeling safe didn't come from her. It comes from your own insecurities, and your feeling (possibly valid) that BF can't manage his own relationships.

If she's not threatening you, or forcing interactIon by showing up at your house/work, etc., just stop reading her stuff, even if it's public. You control *your* actions. Tell BF to stop talking about their issues with you unless be needs to tellyou sexual health or schedule info, and enforce it. Problem solved. If his GF if threatening you, report it to the authorities. If she shows up, tell her to leave, and call the authorities if ne necessary.If she does these things and BF keeps seeing her? That would be too messy for me, and I would end it (been there).
 
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1234567 said:
At the same time, "I've been with him longer" isn't a reason in and of itself.
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Very much in agreement with this. What that boils down to is: I was here first, we make all the rules, and you can do as we say or leave. That, to me, sounds like having a toy, not a relationship.

I'm also curious which of her writing you're reading. Things posted publicly on social media, or private texts and e-mails she's written to your boyfriend? If she thinks she's having a private conversation, and he's letting you read it, you and he are both mistreating and disrespecting her.

I'll be honest, I hear too many accusations that the new partner is 'unstable' in a place where we're only hearing one side of the story. Consider how things might feel from her perspective if this guy is romancing her, promising her a 'relationship,' and then laying down rules you and he already agreed on as if she simply doesn't matter or deserve any say in her relationship, and then she finds out you're reading her private communication (if that's what's going on.)

This is a bit of what happened in my poly relationship, and I was fully within my rights to object (and I did.) Maybe Metamour brushed me off as mentally unstable, too, so she didn't have to look at herself.

I don't know, of course. Maybe your metamour is genuinely unbalanced--I'm just saying there's not enough information here, and there might be things you and/or your boyfriend can do better, too.
 
Concerned said:
I feel like he has a white knight syndrome and for various reasons, he feels compelled to help her to his own detriment. I also feel like she is purposely trying to make us feel uncomfortable and drive us away and I do not want her to succeed. He is aware of my discomfort about her, but he feels that he does enough to shield us all from her behavior. I think her behavior is so bad that only him breaking up with her will solve the issue. He has ensured that the time we spend together is minimal.
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What "behavior" is so bad? Objecting to agreements that impact her relationship? Sure, if your boyfriend is making it clear that he doesn't want to fluid bond with her because he's already fluid bonded with you then she continues to push - it's disrespectful, but it's not really unstable, now is it? Perhaps that is something she greatly values in a relationship and she never got the option to have it. What does she do to make you feel uncomfortable? Does she actually make your bf uncomfortable (you say "us")? If so, why in the world would he stay with her?
 
Concerned said:
The things she writes are completely public (mediocre anonymity) for anyone to see. I am certainly not reading their private correspondence. My partner would never allow that. I believe she writes these horrible things about us to try and scare us away from him so she can have him to herself. That is why I am reluctant to let her win by giving any kind of ultimatum. I cannot help being scared of her though.

As I said, I DO NOT read her messages. I read public posts that she makes about him, me, and his other partners. I am reading the posts because I do not trust her and want to know if she seems like she may do something threatening or dangerous, quite frankly. She has a lot of anger and resentment towards his other partners, but me especially.
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I'm wondering whether this is drama directed at someone else on this board, the more I read this. "Public posts with mediocre anonymity"... hmm...
 
icesong said:
I'm wondering whether this is drama directed at someone else on this board, the more I read this. "Public posts with mediocre anonymity"... hmm...
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Could be. I haven't seen anything I'd deem threatening or dangerous come across, though I suppose I could have missed it.

Really, if someone is posting things that are dangerous or threatening, then the appropriate response isn't to necessarily keep reading those things. It's to inform someone (mods of the board/facebook/etc--all those places have protocols for those kinds of things), and to let the "hinge" partner know that there is good reason to believe the person posting is/will become dangerous, threatening, or violent. If the BF is totally okay with behavior that is threatening or dangerous to his other partners, then let go of the BF--why would anyone keep dating someone that doesn't care about their safety?

I suppose it also depends on what the poster means by "dangerous" or "threatening." To me, those are pretty serious words indicating something intended to do me irreparable harm (intentionally and negatively impacting my job, harming loved ones or property, etc.). Rather than, say, something like "I am going to make him break up with her!" Without knowing what the OP considers threatening or dangerous, or examples of what the other GF is posting, it's a bit hard to say what a good course of action may be.
 
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