Hello. I am struggling with some serious anxiety and depression right now, and I am wondering what sorts of things you do to cope with it?
About me - I am a writer and my mid-30s, and I've been in a polyamorous relationship for about almost two years. When I first came out to my boyfriend (we've been together almost four years), we broke up for a short while because he didn't think he could deal with it. I left town for a few months and met another guy, we'll call him Martin, and we started hooking up. At the time, I wasn't expecting to get back together with my boyfriend, nor was I expecting anything to continue with Martin.
However, when I returned home, the boyfriend (Chase), and I did a lot of talking, and decided to get back together. He gave me the go ahead to embrace polyamory, but for a while it was just the two of us.
About six months later, Martin showed back up in my life. Chase was understandably apprehensive, but was surprisingly supportive and seemed to handle things well enough. Martin and I started seeing each other fairly casually, but eventually we decided on loose terminology, and discussed that we both felt we were dating. He refers to me as his “lover” because he feels weird calling me his girlfriend when we aren’t exclusive. He’s seeing one other girl, Katy, who also has another boyfriend. I’ve expressed my disapproval of his thing with Katy, since her boyfriend doesn’t know about it. She lives in a different state, so Martin has only seen her a few times, but she will stay with him so that they can have sex. He’s expressed to me that this is the “last” time, but we’ll see.
Probably about a year ago, I met another guy that I was attracted to, Isaac. We were friends for a good four months, and eventually hooked up last August. Shortly after that, I found out he was leaving the country, so we decided not to pursue a relationship, despite our obvious feelings for once another. He also has a girlfriend in France, and an ex that he still hooks up with from time to time. He left the country in September and still has not returned, although we chat on the phone about once a month for a few hours, and text here and there.
Around September, Chase freaked out about polyamory, deciding that he wasn’t okay with it, after all. We talked through it, and we’re still together, although I know he isn’t super happy about me seeing other people (I can’t just switch it off…).
Mid-February, Martin told me he loved me for the first time. It caught me off guard, as I wasn’t expecting it from him. I’m not one to throw the phrase around loosely, so I didn’t say it back to him right away. However, after this event, I feel like he’s really pulled away. We’ve only seen each other four times since then, and he’s really pulled back on how much he reaches out to me (although he’d promised to be better about texting me at once point, he has really fallen off lately).
A week ago, we spent the day together to celebrate my birthday. I’d been anxious leading up to it, afraid that he was going to break things off. We had lunch, then spent the afternoon walking around the city and doing different things together. In the evening we went to our favorite bar together and talked about all different things, including our relationship. I checked in with him how he was feeling about polyamory and we talked about how Katy was coming to visit, etc. Things seemed really good… and then, rather abruptly, everything changed. He said he’d had a wonderful day with me and that he really wanted to take me home with him… but that he wouldn’t. He’d left the house that day, having already decided that he didn’t want me to go home with him. I wanted to understand what the decision behind this was, but I was pretty emotional at that point. I brought up that he’d given me a lot of mixed signals (having gone from saying he loved me, to keeping his distance), and he said I knew how he felt about me. It was frustrating and it hurt. He paid for a cab, and when I left, he barely even kissed me goodbye.
He texted me a bit the next day, assuring me that he hadn’t gone anywhere and that, if anything, he was the one being silly. A few days later, I was having a ladies night birthday party… and he showed up to go dancing with us. It completely caught me off guard.
Anyway, that brings us to the future. I’ve been really, really struggling with feelings of loneliness lately. I’m completely confused about where things are with Martin, and I know Katy is visiting him this week. We haven’t had sex in over a month, and I think I’m finding it to be really confusing to be kept at arm’s length. I’ve tried to be understanding and give him space, but I feel like he is running away from me instead of thinking, like he claims to be.
I’ve been having trouble doing anything at all, with depression hitting me pretty hard. Chase has been supportive, but I can’t help feeling like he’s secretly relishing in the potential ending of what I have with Martin. I’m yearning for security and measurement from Martin, and I’m really, really missing Isaac.
It’s funny, I have three men that I really care about… and yet, I feel completely and utterly alone right now. I wish I could sleep for a month just to get away from it all.
Anyway, I just needed to get all of that out. I haven’t had anyone to talk to. Thanks for letting me vent.
About me - I am a writer and my mid-30s, and I've been in a polyamorous relationship for about almost two years. When I first came out to my boyfriend (we've been together almost four years), we broke up for a short while because he didn't think he could deal with it. I left town for a few months and met another guy, we'll call him Martin, and we started hooking up. At the time, I wasn't expecting to get back together with my boyfriend, nor was I expecting anything to continue with Martin.
However, when I returned home, the boyfriend (Chase), and I did a lot of talking, and decided to get back together. He gave me the go ahead to embrace polyamory, but for a while it was just the two of us.
About six months later, Martin showed back up in my life. Chase was understandably apprehensive, but was surprisingly supportive and seemed to handle things well enough. Martin and I started seeing each other fairly casually, but eventually we decided on loose terminology, and discussed that we both felt we were dating. He refers to me as his “lover” because he feels weird calling me his girlfriend when we aren’t exclusive. He’s seeing one other girl, Katy, who also has another boyfriend. I’ve expressed my disapproval of his thing with Katy, since her boyfriend doesn’t know about it. She lives in a different state, so Martin has only seen her a few times, but she will stay with him so that they can have sex. He’s expressed to me that this is the “last” time, but we’ll see.
Probably about a year ago, I met another guy that I was attracted to, Isaac. We were friends for a good four months, and eventually hooked up last August. Shortly after that, I found out he was leaving the country, so we decided not to pursue a relationship, despite our obvious feelings for once another. He also has a girlfriend in France, and an ex that he still hooks up with from time to time. He left the country in September and still has not returned, although we chat on the phone about once a month for a few hours, and text here and there.
Around September, Chase freaked out about polyamory, deciding that he wasn’t okay with it, after all. We talked through it, and we’re still together, although I know he isn’t super happy about me seeing other people (I can’t just switch it off…).
Mid-February, Martin told me he loved me for the first time. It caught me off guard, as I wasn’t expecting it from him. I’m not one to throw the phrase around loosely, so I didn’t say it back to him right away. However, after this event, I feel like he’s really pulled away. We’ve only seen each other four times since then, and he’s really pulled back on how much he reaches out to me (although he’d promised to be better about texting me at once point, he has really fallen off lately).
A week ago, we spent the day together to celebrate my birthday. I’d been anxious leading up to it, afraid that he was going to break things off. We had lunch, then spent the afternoon walking around the city and doing different things together. In the evening we went to our favorite bar together and talked about all different things, including our relationship. I checked in with him how he was feeling about polyamory and we talked about how Katy was coming to visit, etc. Things seemed really good… and then, rather abruptly, everything changed. He said he’d had a wonderful day with me and that he really wanted to take me home with him… but that he wouldn’t. He’d left the house that day, having already decided that he didn’t want me to go home with him. I wanted to understand what the decision behind this was, but I was pretty emotional at that point. I brought up that he’d given me a lot of mixed signals (having gone from saying he loved me, to keeping his distance), and he said I knew how he felt about me. It was frustrating and it hurt. He paid for a cab, and when I left, he barely even kissed me goodbye.
He texted me a bit the next day, assuring me that he hadn’t gone anywhere and that, if anything, he was the one being silly. A few days later, I was having a ladies night birthday party… and he showed up to go dancing with us. It completely caught me off guard.
Anyway, that brings us to the future. I’ve been really, really struggling with feelings of loneliness lately. I’m completely confused about where things are with Martin, and I know Katy is visiting him this week. We haven’t had sex in over a month, and I think I’m finding it to be really confusing to be kept at arm’s length. I’ve tried to be understanding and give him space, but I feel like he is running away from me instead of thinking, like he claims to be.
I’ve been having trouble doing anything at all, with depression hitting me pretty hard. Chase has been supportive, but I can’t help feeling like he’s secretly relishing in the potential ending of what I have with Martin. I’m yearning for security and measurement from Martin, and I’m really, really missing Isaac.
It’s funny, I have three men that I really care about… and yet, I feel completely and utterly alone right now. I wish I could sleep for a month just to get away from it all.
Anyway, I just needed to get all of that out. I haven’t had anyone to talk to. Thanks for letting me vent.
