From Triad to V

V

veganwanderer

New member
So my partner and I are relatively new to the poly lifestyle, deciding to give it a try after five years living monogamously. We've both been seeing an amazing guy for a few months and everything was great.

But now I'm faced with my first challenge since going poly: he's decided there's not enough chemistry with me and would prefer to remain friends, while continuing a romantic relationship with my partner.

I'm fine with this. I mean, he's a great guy and I could do with more friends, but I haven't had great experiences moving from a romantic to platonic relationship in the past. I'm elated that he and my partner are getting on so well, but I do feel heartache because that won't continue with me included.

Any tips on how to approach this situation?
 
Just make sure you keep the communication open. If everyone knows how everyone else feels things should run smoother I think. I have never been in the situation before so I don't really know what to do or have any other advice other than communicate. Let them know its OK with you, but that it may take a while to adjust.
 
Hi veganwanderer,

What about the idea of looking for a separate/additional partner for yourself? or at least not limiting yourself to the three people in your V. As for transitioning from romantic to platonic, would it help to have no contact with the guy for a month or so? Then you can sort of hit the "reset" button on that relationship (and build a platonic friendship).

Just some thoughts. Keep us updated on your situation, as we might be able to think of more ideas.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
veganwanderer said:
I'm fine with this. I mean, he's a great guy and I could do with more friends, but I haven't had great experiences moving from a romantic to platonic relationship in the past. I'm elated that he and my partner are getting on so well, but I do feel heartache because that won't continue with me included.

Any tips on how to approach this situation?
Click to expand...

Just want to point out the contradiction in your statement. You feel heartache but you wrote earlier that you're fine with this. Which is it?

People can move from romantic to platonic so long as they know their feelings.

If you need to grieve the loss, its more than okay. Take time to find acceptance then decide if you want to attempt a platonic friendship. Don't rush it. Most importantly do what you need to do for you, not for what you think others need or want. Be honest and truthful with yourself.
 
I'm sorry to hear about the break up.

I'm elated that he and my partner are getting on so well, but I do feel heartache because that won't continue with me included.

Any tips on how to approach this situation?
Click to expand...

You could be assertive and direct about behavior you can deal with around you right now and behavior you cannot deal with around you right now. Like...

"Guys, I'm really happy things are working out between you two. I want you to enjoy that.

On my end, I'm feeling sad about a break up. I hope to get over it in time and feel more normal. It would help me get over it if you each could give me some emotional space. You don't have to be weird or anything -- it's fine to hug and kiss around me. Just nothing over the top -- don't be making out on the couch. I don't want to walk in on that. Use bedroom privacy. "​

Or whatever else it is you would like from them behavior wise.

Then for your own support? Set that up. Talk to a friend, online, a counselor, whatever it is you like best. Do NOT talk to them about your grief right now -- one kvetches out of the system, not in. I know its tempting to talk to your BF about feelings sad you broke up with your ex, but in this situation your ex is HIS BF. So he's not the best listening person for that. Seek someone OUTSIDE the system to unburden with.

If you need a weekend away to clear your head -- try to arrange one. Then when you come back, it can be "to a new thing" even if it is the same home. Sometimes going away and coming back helps people "reset" in their mind/heart some.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
kdt26417 said:
Hi veganwanderer,

What about the idea of looking for a separate/additional partner for yourself? or at least not limiting yourself to the three people in your V. As for transitioning from romantic to platonic, would it help to have no contact with the guy for a month or so? Then you can sort of hit the "reset" button on that relationship (and build a platonic friendship).

Just some thoughts. Keep us updated on your situation, as we might be able to think of more ideas.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Thanks Kevin,

I'm definitely on the look out for other people, but in the meantime it's just me and the V. I'm certain it would help me get over my now-metamour quicker. I don't want to do anything that will cause damage to the relationship between he and my partner - and that includes cutting off contact.

Perrey said:
Just want to point out the contradiction in your statement. You feel heartache but you wrote earlier that you're fine with this. Which is it?
Click to expand...

I don't feel like it is a contradiction, I'm genuinely happy for both of them but have some internal feelings which I will need to deal with. This could possibly be contradictory in the instance where I was jealous of their relationship, but I know for certain that I'm not.

GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry to hear about the break up.



You could be assertive and direct about behavior you can deal with around you right now and behavior you cannot deal with around you right now. Like...

"Guys, I'm really happy things are working out between you two. I want you to enjoy that.

On my end, I'm feeling sad about a break up. I hope to get over it in time and feel more normal. It would help me get over it if you each could give me some emotional space. You don't have to be weird or anything -- it's fine to hug and kiss around me. Just nothing over the top -- don't be making out on the couch. I don't want to walk in on that. Use bedroom privacy. "​

Or whatever else it is you would like from them behavior wise.

Then for your own support? Set that up. Talk to a friend, online, a counselor, whatever it is you like best. Do NOT talk to them about your grief-- one kvetches out of the system, not in. I know its tempting to talk to your BF about feelings sad you broke up with your ex, but in this situation your ex is HIS BF. So he's not the best listening person for that. Seek someone OUTSIDE the system to unburden with.

If you need a weekend away to clear your head -- try to arrange one. Then when you come back, it can be "to a new thing" even if it is the same home. Sometimes going away and coming back helps people "reset" in their mind/heart some.

Galagirl
Click to expand...

That's a very good point, I'm not sure how I'll feel being present during hand-holding, hugging, kissing or otherwise. I guess I'll find out very soon - he's coming over this morning (he had originally set up a time to see us today to tell me but at least had the courtesy to give me some prior warning).

I would have to disagree about not being able to be open with my partner about how I feel - that level of honesty is integral to a healthy relationship. At the end of the day, we've been together for over five years, that should (at least I'd hope) take priority over any other relationships we develop in the immediate future.

I'll keep you posted!
 
Re:
"I'm not sure how I'll feel being present during hand-holding, hugging, kissing or otherwise."
Click to expand...

If that stresses you out, you could maybe go on a walk (or otherwise distract yourself)?
 
I would have to disagree about not being able to be open with my partner about how I feel - that level of honesty is integral to a healthy relationship.
Click to expand...

I agree it is integral. I'm not saying "don't be open." I am saying "take a step back and consider your timing in these first few days."

I didn't mean never talk to him. I just meant that this break up JUST happened. Consider WHEN and HOW you talk to him. You all might be at risk for emotional flooding from the stress/strain.

I was suggesting that you could focus on setting up your other support systems in these first few days. Could let that be your first thing. Talking to BF could be a second thing.

Your BF himself may need some time and space to get his OWN head wrapped around these new changes and get HIS support system in place first before he can become a good listener for you on that topic. As the remaining hinge, now your BF has TWO partners coming to him all sad they have had recent break ups. He could burn out fast if he doesn't pause to set up his support network first so he can keep his own gas tank full.

I think it could be helpful for each of you to talk to people outside the system in these first few days. Then once you each have that support network in place?

Could talk to each other (the people inside the system) at that point in time and figure out how to get along in this new V model. That way if you accidentally trigger each other, rather than getting stuck in fresh waves of upset, you can all agree to take a time out, and each process with your outside vent person. Hopefully that person can be objective and neutral listeners. Maybe help you frame or phrase things in less trigger-y ways for when you talk to your V people so you are more able to get the support you need from them.

Changes can be challenging.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
OP: awesome job on being vegan! May I ask the gender and orientation of you and your partner?
 
So, "romantic" = "sexual" ?

I ask because I've had a few cuddly, hand-holding relationships where we weren't sexually involved, & strong enough friendship that some people thought we were a long-married couple.

I get the feeling that he didn't "step back" from just the deepest intimacy with you, but outright dumped you.

FWIW, I hate the "whoops, no chemistry" justification, if only because it's a poor rationalization for "I'm gonna move along when the initial buzz wears off" -- see comments elsewhere on NRE. I wouldn't be surprised if you former bf soon complains of "needing more" from your mutual... &, even if getting it, starts scoping new territory.
 
So I guess things are becoming clearer after about a week, and I can identify the mix of feelings I have about the whole situation.

Jealousy
Obviously nothing new in a poly relationship, I'm jealous that my primary gets to continue exploring their relationship with such an amazing person, while I'm merely a 'friend' for convenience.

Confusion
I'm left wondering what it is that led my now metamour to concluding there was 'no chemistry'. This is probably hardest because I really like him a lot and we'd always seemed to gel well, both in a physical sense and otherwise.

Hope
This is an odd one - perhaps it should really be titled 'unrealistic expectations' or 'a hopeless cause'. I feel like there's still so much there and that maybe, down the track, it may become romantic once again. It just seemed like there was no where near enough time to make the call that it wasn't going to lead to anything else.

And then there's the parts that I can't label so easily. For instance, I'd always viewed the relationship as that 3-person entity. And I get a sense that my primary sees it the same way. Now with only the two of them involved, the dynamic has shifted so much. I'm concerned what this might mean for their future.

Is the problem that I think too much about things? Should I talk to the other people involved? So far I've said it's not an issue, but I guess the heartbreak probably counts as something.
 
I kinda go against Webster's, but years ago I settled on two definitions:
jealousy is when I want to take away what someone else has, & envy is when I want to have much the same as what someone else has. Whether you accept my usage, I hope you don't get into berating yourself for somehow wishing your SO to be deprived, when you seem to simply wish for similar benefits. :)

And I'd side with you that, resetting as a vee, it's now a new overall relationship, & not the one that a 2/3 majority initially intended. Generally, any significant change in the map can wreak havoc on everyone involved, even if for all intents & purposes it should've been an advance (a much better job, living closer together, successful recovery from a sever or longterm health problem).
 
Were you able to find someone to be your vent person? You could tell your V people what you need as you become aware of it. (Time, space, patience, understanding, whatever it is.)

I think you are going to feel a lot of things after a break up. Things that are normal to feel -- sadness, wondering where it went wrong, etc. It's just going to feel odd for a while til the "new normal" arrives. The "old normal" is gone, and the new isn't here yet, and you have "breaking up feelings" to process in the meanwhile. I don't think you are overthinking it. This happened a week ago. I think you are sad, and it weighs on your mind.

The stages of emotional change are different for everyone, but here's one estimated time line. I think it will get better in time, but the time has to pass. Can't make it go faster than it goes.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top