Finally, there is clarity? Then and now with OnceAndFuture

I am glad you feel respected and comfortable here, and with who you are. I'm also glad you want to write here again, but I feel so very sad for you that The Signal doesn't accept and appreciate and love you for everything you are, and that she is so fearful and insecure yet unwilling to do the inner work necessary to get past her fears and insecurities rather than restricting your freedom. I would never stand for a partner telling me with whom I am "allowed to" socialize, nor where I am "allowed to" go for support. Something isn't right when a spouse feels they need to play the parent and forbid their partner things because they are afraid and want to be in control. It is just plain shitty and I feel so sorry for you.
 
I don’t think that The Signal is really making these restrictions out of anger or a need to control. This has been a struggle for both of us, and I think she’s still coming to terms with how she can accept my identity— as, I’ll admit, I am as well.

I guess an issue we both have with me “Identifying as poly, yet not ready or able to be in a plural relationship” is, “How do I connect with other poly people on an informational level without the possibility of connecting with them on an emotional or more-than-friendly level?” From her perspective, she must see this forum as the place where I went to get information, then after going there, ended up in a relationship with someone soon afterwards—too soon for her, probably too soon for me, as well. So our compromise is that I only post in this blog. I can read other posts, but I’ll stay posting here.

Not going to poly meetup groups— I admit that’s a bigger step, but again I can understand why she is requesting me not to go. It does take care of a number of issues that could cause problems. Firstly, I wouldn’t run the risk of running into someone I might hit it off with, even accidentally. Secondly, I wouldn’t hear something at the group and say, “Oh I have to talk about that in my blog” (that is a temptation tbh), so I would be doing better at respecting their privacy. And lastly, it gives me a chance to make friends somewhere else.

That last is a big issue for The Signal. She would like me to find some friends outside of the poly community. Having been to a couple of meetups, I can agree that the community can be a little insular, and it might be good to have a broader social circle. So I’m going to a couple of meetups on other topics this week. My social life hasn’t been great over the eight months since I’ve come back from “exile,” so I’d like to try to turn that around too.
 
OnceAndFuture said:
And lastly it gives me a chance to make friends somewhere else. That last is a big issue for The Signal. She would like me to find some friends outside of the poly community. Having been to a couple of meetups I can agree that the community can be a little insular, and it might be good to have a broader social circle. So I’m going to a couple of meetups in other topics this week. My social life hasn’t been great over the eight months since I’ve come back from “exile” so I’d like to try to turn that around too.
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Actually I think that's a really good plan. I don't know if you've read my blog, but a HUGE part of why HipsterBoy and I went so intense - in an unhealthy way - was because I wasn't getting enough social interaction due to non-poly changes in my life (had a kid and started working from home, which also had the side effect of me dropping mostly-out of the SCA - so for a while there it felt like ALL of my social interactions were dating related).

So many people say "get your relationship in order" before you open a long-term mono relationship - I'm beginning to think the advice there ought to be "get your life in order", not just your relationship. Many of the more toxic relationship situations I've seen in my own life, on this board, and in other forums have been caused by "too many eggs in one basket" - not even just poly, come to think of it. Even the societally-approved version where people get married and get all of their emotional support and social interaction from their spouse, and somehow that relationship stays healthy - if that ends due to health issues or accident or something, the "remaining" spouse is left even more bereft than they would be losing a partner out of an otherwise-full life.
 
OnceAndFuture said:
I guess an issue we both have in me being “Identifying as poly, not ready or able to be in a plural relationship” is, “How do I connect with other poly people on an informational level without the possibility of connecting with them on an emotional or more-than-friendly level?”
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The same way you connect with mono people without connecting on a more-than-friendly level. :confused:

I guess I get a little lost in making such a sharp distinction between mono and poly people. Don't get me wrong, expanding your social circle is a great idea, for lots of reasons. But avoiding anyone who is poly seems ... difficult, and unnecessary. Poly doesn't equal eager to jump into a relationship with OnceAndFuture. You could just as easily find that scary-to-The Signal emotional connection with a single, mono woman. And based on some other stuff we've talked about, I think she does know that... So why the ban on poly people now???

Also, there's a HUGE difference between *connecting* with someone and *starting a relationship* with them. I think most of us have had crushes on friends, even emotionally-close ones, and refrained from acting on our feelings for one reason or another. For me, trying to prevent emotional connections and/or physical desire for someone is a lost cause. Those are feelings that I don't have any real control over. If I'm doing anything other than hiding in my room alone, I'm probably going to meet people I get all SQUEE about.

But I *do* have control over my behaviors and actions. And so do you. And I think you've shown your wife (over and over) that you're willing to modify your behavior to make her more comfortable. Soooo... Why can't she trust that, if feelings happen with someone new, poly or mono, you'll accept them as feelings, but choose not to act on them? I think that alone would be a big help for you two.
 
I think that having a wide community of friends with different interests and from different parts of life is a really good idea. Particularly as what you'll have in common with poly folks is a preference for relationship style, which isn't necessarily an indication of other compatibility for friendship.

OnceAndFuture said:
I guess an issue we both have in me being “Identifying as poly, not ready or able to be in a plural relationship” is “How do I connect with other poly people on an informational level without the possibility of connecting with them on an emotional or more-than-friendly level?”
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I genuinely don't understand why that is difficult. Surely you'd connect with other people in the same way as you'd connect with somebody who you really like, but who is unavailable to you in some way-- not sexually interested in you, in a relationship that means they don't want to be involved sexually with others, a work colleague, or member of some other group that you might feel is too messy to have relationships with?

I meet and connect with new people regularly. Some of those friendships are close and emotionally involved. I choose not to have sexual relationships with more than one person. So I relate to people other than my partner in a non-sexual way.

Prior to getting together with my partner, I spent about 7 years single. I wasn't open to a relationship or to casual sexual partners. So when I met new people, I treated them like friends. I didn't indicate or suggest that more could come of those friendships, or talk wistfully about romantic relationships. I was completely happy and fulfilled getting on with my life, and talked openly about it, so people didn't tend to see me as a potential sexual partner. At that time, I really wanted emotionally close and supportive friendships. They were where I got help and support through some really difficult times. I had pretty much zero problems developing them without connecting with people in a way that led them or me to believe a romance would start.

IP
 
I think as I start to meet more people, her fears might decrease. I've been pretty busy over the last eight months since I've come back from working away--an average week for me sees me at work or on the road 60 hours a week. Hopefully that's going to slow down a bit. And for a while, we've just been trying to spend a lot of time with each other, because we haven't had that opportunity.

One of the things The Signal was concerned about was that "the first meetup group" I went to was a poly group. I'd been to different meetup groups when I was away, and I've been to many different meetup groups back here. It's her call to be upset or not about what meetup group I might have gone to "first," but I profess that I don't understand it. I guess the point of going out to anything-- whatever type of group it is-- is to try to be around people you have something in common with, which isn't always easy. Going to a poly group made some sense to me only in that identifying as poly was something that was new to me, and in that it was an opportunity to talk to other people who identified that way. I thought it would be helpful to me, but it was hurtful to The Signal, and I am comfortable in pulling back.

I agree that I could potentially meet a partner, or someone I was interested in, at a different type of meetup group. I certainly haven't met anybody who makes me SQUEE, but I am starting to meet some interesting people. Despite my long working hours, I'm already starting to feel more social, and that is a good step ahead.

Things are also going well with The Signal. We've been able to reconnect a bit more this week. I think we're starting to realize that, tired as we are from working or running, we do need to get out of the house more often, so we've planned an afternoon out on Sunday. She has asked me some probing questions about what I might do with a future theoretical partner, and talked about some concerns she has. I don't think this indicates she's any more comfortable with the idea, but it does suggest she's more comfortable with asking questions. I understand this is part of the journey too.

I haven't worn my necklace in a while now. But I think I will again, at some point. It was hard to feel like I could even privately identify as poly, but now I am a little more confident in myself.
 
I'm back to the bad habit of "Can't sleep during the night, only want to sleep during the day." I tried beating it by going on a (relatively) fast 4 1/2 mile hike this afternoon, but instead I ended up wearing myself out further. The Signal has been asleep for almost two hours now, but I can't sleep, so I've ended up here.

Some of the friends I met at the boardgame group this week will be at another event next week. It's a strange side path in this journey. The Signal, for a lot of reasons, wants to see me being a bit more social. I'm not seeing it as "If you make friends, then I'll be OK with you being poly." I don't think anything I do or don't do is going to help her feel more comfortable with her issues of not feeling that she is enough for me. I'm not really sure what would help her to feel more comfortable with that. I haven't brought that up in a while and I don't think I will for a while.

But there are obviously benefits to having a more active social life. I have to admit there has been a lot of us sitting on the couch lately, and I don't think we're going to be able to fill all of those days by doing more things together. Not that we've run out of things to do, but I don't think we often have the energy or the willpower to do them at the same time. For example, it's why I slept this evening while The Signal and The Actress talked about the upcoming play in which The Actress is lead performer (it's possible now that The Actress has cornered the market on all comedic leads for the rest of her high school career), and why I'm awake now, while The Signal is asleep.

The Signal had an interesting encounter last week. She was running with a new group and got to talking to a guy about various things. He casually mentioned his boyfriend, and then they talked about a few other things, and then he later just as casually mentioned his wife, and so the penny dropped eventually. The "p-word" never was mentioned, but The Signal was surprised that he was being so open about that.

When she related that story to me, I said that she might know someone else in her running group who was openly poly, and when I mentioned who he was, she was able to name him and describe him.

One of the issues The Signal has had is that her only experience with knowing someone who was poly was with The Star, and that experience was so bad for her.

Once she challenged me by saying, "If people are so comfortable about being poly, why do they have to hide it?" Perhaps that encounter might help her deal with that challenge and that issue. Before last week, we had been thinking about going to a poly meetup group together, but when the time got closer to that, she had second thoughts, and I didn't think she would again have the opportunity to see that polys are, well, not all monsters. I was glad she was able to have that opportunity on her own terms.

A little more than a month ago, I won a writing competition on another message board, which awarded me a free one-month subscription to their "secret forum." There is a strange custom on that forum in which a lot of people flirt with each other by posting selfies. I was thinking of posting a non-flirtatious selfie. But the pictures I tried to take of myself looked horrible, and I couldn't bear to post them. It did seem to bite at my self-esteem, and I have been feeling down about my looks lately as a result. I've written before in this blog about how being with The Star helped me to feel more confident about my appearance. It doesn't always work.

I admit this is an issue with eventually being actively poly, in that usually I've met women online first through my words, rather than my appearance, and now that avenue is not going to be available, and so I am more aware of my appearance. On the other hand, I suppose they didn't go running once they did see how I looked. I realize that not every potential partner is going to be attracted to the way I look, and I'm trying to be OK with that. I hope I will be better in time.
 
"Yeah, everybody's got a bomb
We could all die any day.
But before I'll let that happen
I'll dance my life away." -- Prince, "1999"

You know, if I was going to quote anybody today, it was going to be him. The Signal once said, "There are two kinds of people: people who love Prince, and people who are wrong."

So the wheels are slowly turning on building a better life. The boardgame meetups are going well, and the evolution of my job is starting to actually work. It was a hectic week with a lot of personal issues, but at the same time the weather finally kicked out of near-winter. That means nicer outdoor running for The Signal, and hiking trips for me, and long walks around the neighborhood for both of us. Things aren't perfect, and we're both pretty busy, but we're both quite a bit happier now.

After the last post I made, I did talk with my wife about self-esteem and the way I look. She likes me and my appearance and I do know that. I suppose there are things that make me feel a little more confident of late: I do look younger with my contacts (and they're serving their main purpose by dramatically reducing the number of migraines I've been getting) and I have lost some weight through walking, hiking, and climbing endless stairs at work. I've tried to look a little more put together at work. It all helps a little. I am trying to look better for my own self and I hope that confidence will show through a little.

The Signal and I haven't talked about poly much over the past week, and I'm perfectly OK with that. A few conversations about stereotypes, and "What a poly person looks like," and being open about things, but not much more. We're enjoying being around each other right now, and the time will come to say more about polyamory.

Still though, I think about what Prince had to say in so many of his songs. It's sad to think about it now, but a lot of his songs, like "1999," had the message "We're not here forever, so let's try to enjoy ourselves while we can." I realize it's time to be patient now, but at the same time I do feel like my three or so months of identifying as poly haven't been totally enjoyable-- most of all because I know I hurt other people, and I don't feel like I've made amends. Maybe in a year or so, I'll look back and be able to say, yes, whatever happened was positive, because I was able to be honest about myself and who I am, and that both The Signal and I were able to enjoy ourselves-- whatever that involves. It doesn't feel like that now, though. Perhaps for now I can say that I'm not ashamed of who I am, and that feels like progress, to some extent.
 
So, last week, I had what my mentor John used to call a real "cut through the crap session" with my counselor. Up until now, it has not been as helpful as I would like, partly because I think he is still trying to wrap his head around a lot of ideas about poly at the same time as I am. But this time there was a lot of progress and now I have a lot more to think about.

Issue #1 we worked on was my ongoing problem with depression and anxiety.

Work has been a struggle lately. I'm still covering for the worker who was moved to another department, and now a second direct report is planning to retire early, so I have two positions to replace and another position to potentially cover.

I haven't really resolved everything with The Signal, I suppose. There are things we are still resolving. I feel down about hurting her. The counselor asked me to think about a time when I was extremely depressed. That was easy to identify: near the end of my time living away last year, I was as down as I have ever been. He asked me how I knew I was so depressed. I said, well, I was sleeping 12 hours a day and had no interest in doing the activities which I normally enjoyed doing, like computer gaming or hiking, and I wasn't posting on message boards or even Facebook.

He asked me if I was heading in that direction lately. I recognized that there were some signs of that. Even though the weather was good, I wasn't enthusiastic about going out. And when I was home I wasn't keen on gaming or writing. I wasn't sleeping a lot, but I wasn't in the same mood I was in when I had first started identifying as poly and started writing here. So there was some sign of anhedonia which I hadn't personally sensed until the counselor brought it up.

What the counselor was getting at was: look, your depression and anxiety are a disease. And like any other disease, you need to identify the symptoms. For me, my depression manifests itself in wanting to withdraw from pleasurable activities which I normally enjoy without thinking about. The way to get over these symptoms is to try to find ways to start doing those activities which I enjoy under normal circumstances, and try to find parts of them which I do enjoy.

So when I go to boardgame group, whether or not I'm making friends is secondary right now to trying to have a bit of fun—though both are important to me, obviously. And Saturday I sat in front of my computer, thinking, "What kind of game do I actually want to play?" and then started on something that I did get some enjoyment out of.

So right now, I should start working on alleviating the symptoms of my depression and anxiety. Then I can start working on the underlying causes, like with any disease where you have to deal with feeling better before you can get better.

Issue #2 was about my behavior in relating to others.

He asked me, where do you feel like you have problems with relationships with people, whether that is with The Signal, people at work, or people in my past? I said that I was usually afraid of hurting people. He thought he could see some patterns in that, in that I was nervous about disappointing the people at work who all wanted to apply for the two open positions, and worried about talking to The Signal about what he felt were rational issues.

I said, "Recently, I'm not just thinking that I hurt people. I know that I did hurt The Signal, and the woman I was writing to here, because of my failure to communicate properly."

He thought that if I could start working on my fear of hurting people, I could start communicating more honestly, and, in time, prevent hurt feelings by not allowing problems to fester. He also thought I did not talk about certain issues because I didn't want others to be mad at me. I agree with this. I do fear The Signal being angry with me and I don't bring up some issues, especially about poly, because of that.

This is going to be more difficult to work on than my anhedonia. It's easier for me to work on myself than on my issues with others. At least I will have a lot of opportunities to do so very soon.

Lastly, we talked about my personality.

I said that one of the issues that has most affected me since I started identifying as poly was that I felt I had not been honest or concerned enough about others' feelings. He said that that surprised him. He thought I had come across as very honest, patient, and empathetic during my sessions. So much so, in fact, that he was concerned about how much that affected me in dealing with others. The Signal has also remarked that if I weren't so emotional and concerned with what others thought, I might be handling my life better now. Perhaps they are right.

On the other hand, as my counselor said, I have two choices: either I can start working on being less emotional and empathetic, or I can start recognizing who I am, and start trying to accept the pros and cons of my personality. My inclination towards being empathetic might hurt my relationships, my career, or making friends, to some extent. But it also might open opportunities which I hadn't anticipated. Perhaps even though it might help me in some ways, changing my personality is not ideal at this point in my life. Then, the difficulty will be to learn how to be empathetic without being unnecessarily emotional.

One of the issues I’ve seen on the forums in the past has been about empathy and polyamory. I suppose that it’s too simplistic to say that poly people are empaths, or at least more empathetic than others. But I do see a lot more concern by those who write here about what other people are thinking or feeling, sometimes almost to the detriment of the person who is writing. On the other hand, empathy is perhaps critical to being able to feel one can sustain a relationship with more than one person. Maybe that’s something I need to think about for the next session.
 
My five-day migraine is graciously drawing to a close. Hopefully then I won't ramble in this entry.

The migraine stopped me from going to my boardgame meetup this week. I felt like I missed talking to people, which is a good sign for my anhedonia. The Signal and I decided to go to an upcoming trivia night with an old mutual friend of ours who I haven't seen in a year or so. And my dad is coming to visit this weekend. We haven't always seen eye to eye but in the years since my mom passed away we've become closer.

The Signal and I did have a brief conversation about poly this week. I admitted that I was nervous about talking to her about it, but we were both calm about it. She thought it might be good for me to post here in places other than this blog because I might bring a different voice to conversations here. And it felt that we picked around at some of the edges of why she is uncomfortable about me being with other women, though without really moving the needle on that. Sometimes she seems OK with it in theory, and then she is able to talk about things like dealbreakers for her. (One of the more amusing dealbreakers is that she doesn't want me to date any women named "Sarah." When she first said that I was pretty certain she was kidding, but she's insistent that "women named Sarah have been bad for you in the past." What's not so amusing is that when I asked her why women with The Star's real name weren't off limits, she kind of angrily said "well that should be understood," making me wonder what else should be "understood" that I don't know about right now.) But underlying the theory is the understanding that she isn't OK with it in practice. And there's a kind of unwritten rule that she's going to talk about that when she's ready to do so.

I guess I'm troubled by The Signal's attempts at assuring me that she's OK with where we are right now. She's trying to talk, and we're trying to make our relationship stronger. But on the other hand there are no-go areas for conversation. And although I'm not trying to be upset about it she's been refusing to wear her wedding ring since our fight over a month ago. It's strange that she admits she doesn't have a solid reason for not wearing it, just that she "doesn't feel comfortable" when it's on her finger. Not physically, emotionally. It feels like there is something buried that she isn't ready to uncover yet.
 
"I don't want to taste the salt of the lonely night,
Because it's all I've ever known.
I just want to kiss the land." -- The Super Friendz, "Kiss The Land"

I went on an 11 mile hike recently. Soon I hope to be back up to the 15+ mile hikes I was doing last year and the plan is to start doing day hikes of 20 or more miles, to get ready for the 50-mile, three-day hike I want to do someday soon.

Hiking has become part of my identity over the last few years. I used to hike as a kid, although back then I just thought of it as "walking through the woods." When I lived in cities I tried to go back to the woods as a way of remembering happier times. It fills needs for me which I can't fill otherwise: it's good exercise, it takes me back to nature, and as an introvert it allows me to be away from other people in a socially acceptable way. It is to some extent a spiritual activity too, now that I have long left behind other forms of spirituality.

Although they probably didn't realize it at the time, The Signal and The Star encouraged me to go hiking. The Signal and I used to fool around in the woods (literally and figuratively) but we stopped doing that for a long time and I don't quite know why. The Star occasionally hiked, and she openly longed for us to be able to go together. She even wrote a story for me in which she and I went hiking in the rain, and we clumsily fell in the mud together, and of course muddy clothes had to be removed, and I'll mercifully stop there. Of course like so many other things she wanted for the two of us that never happened.

I started really hiking about a year after we and The Star broke up. I was driving by myself and I saw a trailhead I had seen before many times but for some reason this time I stopped and walked into the woods. It seems that I've discovered things purely by accident which compose my identity and which I think are things in my life set in stone, like polyamory and to some extent my career. If it had been raining when I'd passed the trailhead, if someone hadn't been thinking of me when my future boss needed to hire someone, if we'd written to that other couple instead of to The Star and The Silent, my life would be different now. Hiking reminds me that as much as I'd like to think I plan my life and have control over the outcome, in reality I am a creation of my circumstances.

Since I've started hiking, most of my adventures have happened alone. The Signal and I have hiked together occasionally, but she doesn't prefer it and she would rather run on flat ground and asphalt roads. I tried hiking with a group earlier this year, but I didn't like it; I didn’t like being forced to go as slow as the slowest person in the group. (Hmmmm.) Hiking is a way for me of being "alone by choice" rather than "enforced alone." Being alone is empowering in that I can go when and where I want, at the pace I like.

More and more, though, I find myself not wanting to be alone. I have tasted that kind of salt too many times. It will be nice to go hiking again with The Signal, when she can. I keep thinking we will go once her injuries from running heal, but every time she thinks she is better from one injury something else starts hurting.

But perhaps hiking with a different partner would be nice too. A while back on another site someone suggested going hiking with someone as a second or third date. It does seem like rather a good way to get to know somebody. The idea of sharing this experience with another partner does appeal to me greatly. I was thinking when I was on the trail, I’ve been reading about others discussing the idea of taking on another sexual partner, and all I want is someone else to go hiking with. Well maybe not all—I suppose I wouldn’t mind falling in the mud together with a female companion (perhaps minus the cold reality of having to drag our mud-caked selves back to the trailhead). But if that was all I wanted…no, I would want more to have a more meaningful and emotional connection someday. It would be rather lovely to share an experience that means so much to me.

For now though I realize it’s up to me to continue this journey. At least when I hike I know where, and usually when it ends. What keeps me going back is that I won’t know what happens in the middle. Every trail leads somewhere. The last is true for my poly journey, and for life too. I just hope it will be as beautiful as what I see out there.

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Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown. The proximate cause was feeling that I don't really have any friends, certainly nobody I can talk to about any of the serious issues in my life. When you've been without friends for a relatively long period of time, you start feeling like you can never make them again.

It hasn't helped that when I have met The Signal's friends I have felt awkward and shy, and struggled to join in the conversation. I feel like when I do meet people at meetup groups, I am the one who has to make the effort to continue the conversation, or to start being friendly. And I do try, but I'm not usually successful.

Something has changed over the course of my life. When before I used to feel like a very interesting person who had a lot to say, now I have nothing interesting to talk about.. Well, nothing I can say in polite company, I suppose.

Sometimes The Signal wonders why, if I am an introvert, I am so keen on having social interaction and friends that I feel hurt when I don’t have them. I would just like to have some people in my life to do things with and to be able to talk with. It has been a long while since I felt like I did.

But overlying this is the feeling that things have not gone very well since I started identifying as poly. The Signal is hurting, I know that. I am hurting. I'm going to admit it here that I hurt Evie, as much as I did not want to.

I don't have friends here, or a support group, really.

Obviously, I don't have another partner. But to be honest, I wouldn't be looking for one even if The Signal were supportive of it, because I'm very depressed and don't think I'd have much to offer anyone in this state. I feel quite a bit like I've ruined the relationship between The Signal and me. Things were better when I was quiet about being poly. Yes, I was not being honest to myself, but at least The Signal was happy, so one of us was. Most of the time I wish I'd stayed quiet.

The Signal and I had a long chat last night. She admitted that her strongest fear about me being poly was that she would lose me to someone else. After she said that she paused for a bit, then remarked, "But I've always been scared of that, and you saying you were poly just reinforced it."

She has always said she has never felt like she deserved to be with me, for 12 years together. I've never been able to convince her otherwise, and I just don't know what to say or do to help. The fact that I am still here after everything that has happened between us, and what we had to go through to be together, hasn't convinced her. I am out of things to say.

The Signal feels like she is not enough for me. I realize that she’s felt that way for a long time and it ties into her feelings that she does not deserve to be with me. However, now that I’ve started identifying as poly, that’s a bigger problem. In her eyes, my identification is proof to her that she was never enough all along and that I need someone else.

It worries me a lot that she now says to me “Either I have to learn with you being (actively) poly, or you have to leave me.” I’m willing to give up the premise of ever being actively poly if it would help her feel that she was enough for me or that she deserved me. At this point, I don’t see that as any kind of sacrifice, because I want to be with her, and if that’s a requirement for being with her I will be happy with that.

I am sad because I don’t think that will help, or that anything will help. And she has come to the conclusion that I will be poly for the rest of my life. (“I know this isn’t a trend or a fad with you” she said last night.) So she will always be thinking that I am going to change my mind about wanting to be with someone else too-- another reason I wish now I had never said anything.

She admitted that she was somewhat at fault for giving me the impression at first she was OK with things, when she wasn't. She hasn't totally absolved me from blame. She still says I should have known better that she wasn't going to be OK with things that quickly. But she admitted that she felt guilty that I had been happy before we had our huge arguments, and now I so obviously wasn't, and she felt that she had taken that away. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not. I know I hurt her, and I can't bring myself to live with that Plus I felt for the first time in a while I was being honest about who I was, but I came to realize I could not live that way honestly without hurting her. It has all been pretty devastating to be truthful. I wish I could erase the last 100 days.

I know both of us have pretty low self-esteem. I know I do, especially right now. I realize that is not attractive or welcome to read, but it is true. I just feel like I’ve ruined a whole bunch of people and relationships and I have no way to put them back together. I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for that. This is a very dark time in my life, right now. I suppose all I can say now is that I feel very lost.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this, as I’m not going to poly meetups any more.

I’ll be talking to my counselor on Friday and am hoping for another good session.

I’m going to try to make friends at meetup groups, though I realize it will likely be quite a long time before I get to know anybody there well enough to consider them a friend. In the meantime, I really don’t know what to do or say next. I don’t want to vanish, but I also increasingly don’t know who I am.
 
Unpacking, part 1

"I have a headache...
I have a story that I'd like to tell you,
It's littered with settings and second takes." -- The Weakerthans, "Diagnosis"

I have a lot to talk about. A lot of stories and things that are only beginning to make sense. Second takes and third and fourth and fifth takes. But the most recent things first.

I've talked about my migraines here. For a while they were receding, and I was happy about that. Unfortunately, I am not happy about them anymore. Twice in the last two weeks I have been struck down by extremely bad migraines. Yesterday one came out of the blue. Within 15 minutes I went from "kind of a bad headache" to "in desperate need of medical attention." Nearly 24 hours later I am not back to normal.

If you haven't had a migraine in your life, I don't know if I can describe them, other than to refer to them as disability-causing headaches. The headache I had yesterday, and the one I had two weeks ago, caused indescribable pain and knocked me out. Yesterday I ended up in urgent care shot full of drugs and I'm still not out of the woods. This is not an ideal situation.

I've lived with migraines for over 30 years, and for all that time I've been able to live around them. While life hasn't been ideal, and I know I've missed out on things because of them (and, I've had to avoid situations I would have liked to have been in in fear of getting one), I haven't felt they've caused intractable problems.

But now it might be different. I've missed time at work now twice in the last two weeks, and often when I am there I have a hard time concentrating on tasks. My boss is starting to get concerned. (So am I, and so is The Signal.)

This is the first time in my life when I've felt like I can't cope with the pain. It's also the first time I've felt I honestly can't say, yes, I can guarantee I can be there on every day, every time. That's a really scary thing in this society, in this economy. Companies don't like people who can't be there on a regular basis, especially when it's something "invisible." (Although everybody knows when I have a migraine just by looking at me.)

What's troubling to me is that the triggers to my recent headaches haven't been things I've eaten, the weather, or external forces. They've come out of the blue, with no warning. The only common factor in the recent headaches is that in the previous 24 hours I had been doing pleasurable physical activities, hiking or running or sex. This last is a real bummer, obviously, in that pretty much after every sexual activity I'm getting headaches within an hour. Normally that's a risk I'm willing to run, but not with headaches like this. Without getting explicit, I can still do things to The Signal without running that risk. It's just my pleasure which causes the pain. I'm happy to be the bearer of happiness to The Signal, but of course she'd like to give as well as receive, so this development is troubling her.

I'd love to be able to make some jokey comment at this point, to talk about the "tequila migrainebird" mock cocktail I dreamt up last night at 3 in the morning, while taking a bath at the hotel where I'm currently stranded because I was too sick to drive home yesterday (salt rim, water, bite into sugar-covered lime, in case you need migraine recovery and you're out of your favorite sports drink). But right now I'm genuinely frightened for my health. All these years I've been able to handle my migraines with the support of my neurologist and doctors. This is a scary new phase of my life.

That's the non-poly part of my unpacking of last week's events. Health permitting, I'll get to the rest soon.
 
Just sending (((hugs))) and hoping things improve...

My BFF ("D" in my blog) has had migraines on and off her whole adult life. General stress seems to make them worse, but not in the obvious stressful day --> migraine way that would be easy to understand. During her divorce, they were brutal, to the point where she was getting MRIs and CAT scans looking for tumors :(

Imitrex or anything in that class helpful???

Take care of yourself!
 
So far this week I've taken Imitrex, Zomig, torodol, and methylprednisolone, along with a lot of OTC stuff. Result is that my migraine got knocked down from 10/10 to 6/10. So I go to the neurologist and I'll go off for blood tests. Then probably an MRI, infusion therapy, and who knows what else. I'm grateful to have insurance at this point, obviously, though I'm not much better off for all this.

I do now have an excuse to go walking around everywhere looking like Roy Orbison with superdark sunglasses though. I'm OK with that.

Thanks for the good thoughts. I'll make it through.:)
 
A few years ago I was seeing someone whom I called Dreamy here, and he always got a really bad headache immediately after orgasm/ejaculation. They weren't migraines, but pretty bad. He took a lot of painkillers for them. Dreamy was also on anti-depressants. I have heard of other people who get headaches when they come, so it isn't unheard of. Are there any other drugs you take on a regular basis that might contribute to this?

The odd thing is I have read that an orgasm is good for helping to relieve a migraine. The problem is when you're in the midst of a migraine, getting to the point of orgasm is the last thing you want to do. I wonder, is there an emotional/psychological factor to migraines, as well as neurological?
 
I'm sure there is an emotional component to migraine, although I don't know what it is. When I was very depressed and under stress last year I had no migraines, and other times when I've been mildly stressed I've had many of them. Weather seems to be a trigger sometimes but not this time. This time around I'm at a loss to figure out their source, so I've started keeping a diary again.

The Signal read that perhaps holding one's breath can lead to a migraine. I do sometimes do that without thinking about it during sex (and, I suppose, sometimes doing it consciously). So totally in the interests of science we tried to see what would happen if I practiced conscious breathing last night, and the results were more than satisfactory. A small win which we should replicate as soon as possible I think.
 
Unpacking, part 2

"All straight lines circle sometimes." -- The Weakerthans, "This Is A Fire Door Never Leave Open"

Last week my therapist made an interesting suggestion to me. After he'd listened to what I'd told him had happened between The Signal and me, he asked me to think for a while before talking to her or anyone else about it. After the session he was confused. I was confused. I'm still confused.

I knew when I identified as poly, and started the process of working things out with The Signal, that her path towards poly acceptance (if that's what it is) wouldn't follow a straight steady line from "not OK" to "OK". There might be times when she moved quickly, or slowly, or not at all, or towards "not OK". We might find ourselves circling back to where we were before, or even at the start. I guess what I didn't expect was that sometimes we'd be moving in both directions at once: that she might be "theoretically OK" but not "actually OK," and moving quickly on the "theoretically OK" but becoming less "actually OK."

Last week, while we were talking about various forms of non-monogamy, The Signal said somewhat out of the blue that she'd be OK if I had a relationship "like the one (you) had with The Star" on the condition that "our marriage was stronger." Of course I asked her what she meant by a "stronger marriage," and she said if we communicated better, if we weren't fighting (we haven't in a couple of months now), if we both felt a little more confident, and so on. I asked about how she'd come to make such a sudden change in her thought process, and especially by referencing our relationship with The Star, which she still feels hurt by at times. Basically, her answer was "because I have to be OK with it, otherwise we have to split up." I was troubled by that. I haven't been pushing to have another relationship--in fact I've been very upfront about not being ready for one. She thinks I'm going to be changing my mind on that any day now because she's "not enough" for her. That conversation inspired me to open the thread I wrote elsewhere on this forum. Anyone who reads that thread will see what transpired from our further conversations on the subject, and while I'm cautiously optimistic now, I am worried.

What's also worrying me is that while she's made a pretty big change in being "theoretically OK" she's also making it clearer that she is nowhere near being "actually OK." One of the fears with me being actively poly is that I will be "happier with someone else." I agree that's a very rational fear to have.

What troubles me is that she seems to be afraid of me being happy, period. A couple of times recently she's accused me of being "too happy" or "too affectionate." When I asked her about it, she admitted that she felt that "the last time you were really happy and affectionate was when you were writing to Evie, and I'm suspicious there's someone else now." I've done my best to demonstrate that I can be affectionate and happy (as much as my recent health issues allow) with her alone. But I get the distinct impression that if I were in a relationship with someone else, she wouldn't be comfortable with it unless I wasn't happy with it.

I'm also a little concerned that at the same time that she wants me to lift my depression, she's also suspicious of me being joyful. I am not good at controlling my emotions in this way. I'm also aware that when I was in a relationship with someone else I did tend to get more affectionate with The Signal, and I thought she felt positively about that.

On a more positive note, she has apologized for making me think she was OK with things when she wasn't. I do accept this apology. But I'm concerned that she's starting the same process again: she said to me that I could attend poly meetups and she would "try to be OK with it." In other words, she isn't OK with it, but isn't going to say that. I can't risk that.

A few times over the last couple of weeks, it's seemed that The Signal has been keeping closer watch over me. (Ironically, that does not seem to extend to this message board. She told me that she wasn't going to look here anymore because "some people" had written things about her which she thought were hurtful, and she couldn't come back now. I don't know why she is so wounded by anonymous people on a message board, when 12 years of my being affectionate and loving has had no real effect on her, but I've been told I don't understand.

She wanted to attend a therapy session with me, ostensibly because she wants to make sure that I've "told the therapist everything he needs to know." My therapist wouldn't even listen to that. He's aware that she wants to know whether I've said anything bad about her in the sessions, in the same way she read this blog to see if I or anyone else had said anything bad about her. She's also started to "check up on me" when I'm in the house and she knows where I am. It all feels a little unnerving. My concern right now isn't about poly. But I don't see how she'd be OK with me being with someone else if she doesn't seem to trust me in these ways.

Other things happened which I don't feel right bringing up here. But the bottom line is that I'm concerned that The Signal will at some point say she is OK with me having another relationship, when she is not, out of obligation, because "it's acceptance or separation for poly/mono couples," out of guilt because "you were having fun before and I ruined it," or out of low self-esteem because "I'm not enough for you and you deserve to be with someone who accepts your love." I'm willing to wait until she's ready-- honestly, I'm willing to wait indefinitely. But it's going to be difficult to hear her say she's ready if I know she's not. That is going to be a tricky spot to be in.

I decided to wear my infinity heart necklace today. I don't intend that to mean I'm any more or less ready to be in another relationship. But I do understand I need to start feeling more confident about who I am. That is not easy.
 
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Sometimes when I read back on what I've written in this blog, I think I've written too many negative things. There are a few positive developments of late.

The Signal is starting to recognize that her low self-esteem is a problem in our relationship. She even talked about getting medication for depression, which she has never brought up in our time together. She has said to me, "I know that you love me," which feels wonderful to hear. She has been very affectionate lately, and it has been nice to be affectionate back.

So far we've had a good day together. We went to an estate sale because there was a billiard table for sale there, and we've talked off and on about getting one, but we didn't like the one there. We did get a cheese dome and board. We really like cheese. Then we burned our mouths on tacos at the neighborhood Mexican market.

The Signal is talking about poly in a more positive way. Last night she sent me this thread on Ask A Manager about coming out as poly in the workplace, and we had a talk about it. There was a whisper.com post about "Bad things about poly they don't tell you about" that we also talked about. We had a few other discussions recently that filled out how she is slowly becoming more "theoretically OK" with polyamory.

I'm encouraged that she is open to discussing polyamory. I guess if she were committedly against it, she wouldn't be bringing these articles and discussions to me unprompted,, and wouldn't want to be talking about it. We also talked a little bit about fantasizing and whether it was a good idea for fantasies to come true or not with regards to non-monogamy. I'm not pushing the idea. I'm letting her talk it out.

I have to hire someone to work for me, and she kidded me about hiring a certain work colleague of ours because she knows I think she's hot. (The Signal also thinks she's hot.) I mean, I would like to hire her, because she'd be perfect for the job (although I realize that's not happening, because she just started working at a pretty prestigious place), but the way she talked about it was almost like, "I'd be OK if she was your girlfriend, just not if she were working for you." I wonder how much of that is that she's OK with things in inverse proportionality to the possibility of them actually happening. Like someone less OK with poly saying "sure, you can sleep with Famous Hollywood Star," but if Famous Hollywood Star moved next door it wouldn't be so OK anymore.

I've been making friends at the (non-poly) meetup group I've been going to, which is really nice. They've started looking forward to me coming back every week. It's been good talking to them. I have a feeling that The Signal might be ready for me to go back to the poly meetups some time fairly soon. She is starting to get more curious about poly ideas and concepts. Maybe she will even want to go along.
 
"I wonder how many people in this city live in furnished rooms. Late at night, when I look out at the buildings I swear I see a face in every window looking back at me--and when I turn away, I wonder how many go back to their desks and write this down..." -- Leonard Cohen, "I Wonder How Many People In This City" (as quoted in "Anthem" by Lushlife)

When I came back to this blog after the problems and sadness from earlier on I didn't think I would have a lot to write about. Somehow I always do now.

I might as well put out the bad things first. It was a crappy day at work. Last week was crappy. Well, the whole month has been crappy. I'm getting terribly frustrated at not being able to get things done, and I'm not alone in that feeling at our office. I'm spending a lot of hours on the road at this job, and many nights (like tonight) I'm stranded in distant hotel rooms. I said to The Signal I'd give this job a year, then I'd try to figure out what I could do. It's been going on 10 months now and I'm not entirely confident things are going to turn around. It would be good to get a job closer to home. But then today, I found out there's a job offer on the West Coast that seems intriguing. As The Signal said, "There are only probably about six people in the US that are qualified for that job, and you're one of them." But I've just moved back with The Signal after being away for a job.

And I don't feel like leaving, at all. Life is moving along just so well with The Signal now. It feels like this last weekend in particular was a beautiful bright step forward. Yesterday we went bowling-- so silly, but we had so much fun together. We went and picked up her shirt for her upcoming marathon. We watched old TV shows and made snarky comments about the '90s. We held each other tightly. She started feeling more loved, and she talked about that a lot. It makes the times when I am stranded in hotel rooms or buried under a million little tasks at work, overseen by a boss who can't stop worrying herself into an early grave, bearable.

Sometimes I think that The Signal is starting to get used to the idea of me being poly, after only four months. She has been keeping up a running joke about being in a relationship with the foam roller which she uses for her muscle injuries. "My roller understands me... he reaches the parts nobody else can reach." I pretend not to be upset that the foam roller is better at massaging her calves than I am. I need to have a good relationship with my metamour. She talked about her spiky ball massager and I warned her about polysaturation. All of this has been in good humor.

She's also started going back on the Reddit forums a bit, so we've talked about a number of issues. Her emotions have sort of changed from fear with a bit of contempt to genuine interest-- like a sort of curiosity. We talked about being open at places such as work, and she wasn't dismissive of people who were, when she might have been a couple of months ago. (Not that I'm planning something like that, unless I wanted to give my incredibly strait-laced boss a heart attack.)

I've been thinking about writing these days. When I lived alone I started writing a novel, and there were parts of it that could have been pretty good. But the writing stretched on forever without getting to the points I wanted it to get to, and my words seemed flabby and undescriptive, and I gave up in disgust. I'd like to try again, this time taking some of the parts of the novel that were good and repurposing them. The Star had always begged me to write, and I did write her some poems (and less wholesome stuff) that in retrospect were not so bad. I chanced my arm at writing some material earlier this year. I should try again. I do have some inspiration, these days.
 
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