I'm sorry you have been going through so much in the past year. Coming to terms with the many health problems and possibly being on the autism spectrum -- that's big news to digest. I have family and friends on the spectrum. I don't think these things make them unlovable. I don't think it makes you unlovable either.
It's ok for Signal to say she's not up for poly. And that if you want to be with her, you both have to agree to practice monogamy together. You seem willing to do that and have been doing that. I do not see what you said you needed from her. If she wanted to be you, she would have to agree to do... what?
It is not okay for Signal to want to "police" your thoughts, like, if you even think/identify with poly, it's a betrayal of her somehow. It's also not healthy to be THAT enmeshed with someone else-- to where they have no identity separate from you, not even inside their own heads.
If that is what she wants from you, that is asking too much. If you have slipped into that, if you have lost your own sense of self and become
selfless in service to her or the marriage, that's not good for you. I think your old counselor touched on that once when he asked you how
you were doing, and you replied with
Signal being happy about something.
In my opinion, this has never been about you being poly, or identifying as poly, or "poly-capable," as I think you put it once. This is about Signal being a healthy person, and whether or not she is capable of being a healthy partner to you. Does being with her help you be your healthiest self, or does she not bring out your healthiest self?
From the beginning, you have known she is NOT healthy. She has self esteem issues. She doesn't feel she deserves love. Over time you learned other things about her: she does
push-pull stuff, gives mixed messages, offers things that she doesn't mean, looks for “evidence” of an affair to justify treating you poorly, circle conversations... just lots of stuff.
I don't know if counseling has brought it up, but maybe reading
http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/ would give you some perspective. I don't think “low self esteem” is the only thing with her. It might be part of it. But I wonder if she doesn't have something else like
borderline or similar. There's a lot of emotional up and down with her, and you feeling guilty/walking on eggshells so she doesn't blow up again. You said you fear her being mad. Why? It's just a feeling. Or does she do mean things to you when she is angry?
Having a health thing doesn't make her a bad person. But having a health thing that she's NOT attending to doesn't make her an easy or healthy partner to be with. Whether you both are trying to practice monogamy, or polyamory, or whatever together, it goes easier if all the participants are healthy people, or at least people taking
personal responsibility for themselves, and doing their prescribed health-management plans for their conditions.
It took you a long time to arrive at this:
I'm starting to feel like I'm now the scapegoat for the bad feelings about herself which she has always had under the surface.
Post 81 – you start to see that some of this stuff is not ALL your fault. Some of it is scapegoating/blame-shifting behavior that she does. That is you learning to separate things for your own self.
Perhaps, if I were better equipped to understand social cues, I could have read between the lines of what The Signal wanted and continues to want from our relationship, and I would not have pursued this life path again.
Post #133
Why is the expectation that you figure out how to become a better mind reader, rather than Signal learning to ask for what she needs directly; rather than playing a lot of mind games, she does her fair share in co-creating a healthier marriage dynamic between you?
And having said that, what I feel down about most now is that I see no real way forward in my life. I don’t feel like I can fix my relationship with The Signal, because she thinks I’ve irrevocably broken it, and I don’t have any clue as to what I can do to even salvage the pieces.
That's the thing. You cannot fuel this relationship all by yourself. It takes everyone pulling their fair share. Your 100% effort represents 50% of the fuel to run a two-person thing. The rest has to come from her. If she's not pulling her share, this kite is just not going to fly.
A while back, you said you wanted to stay because you wanted to try everything. Well, have you tried everything? It sounds like it. You have done counseling, agreed to return to monogamy and work on yourself and the marriage, been devoted, and stuck to agreements, from what I can tell-- all healthy things to be doing.
You've even done some unhealthy things – like refuting your poly identity because it made her feel uncomfortable to think about. I think her discomfort is her job to manage, it is not your job to manage or “pre-manage.” I think you have gotten into the habit of “pre-managing” her stuff for her, in order to prevent her having a blow up aimed at your head.
I get why – it's a defensive tactic in order to help keep you safe. But is it
healthy relating? No, it is not.
It seems to have taken you a long time to arrive at this:
And I want to stay with The Signal. But not at the cost of our sanity. I can do nothing about her lack of trust in me. I have given up being poly and identifying as poly. I don't know if that's going to be enough for her. The worst thing is that we are each others' best friends. Now, we both feel totally alone. One of the things I learned in the past is that when bad things happen to you, people disappear. The settlement of my life will be up to me, and I understand that.
(Post #105)
To me, you sound like you are not at final acceptance, but on the road to acceptance.
Sad as it is to come to accept that you have given it your all, and that it is not enough to salvage the marriage with Signal, there IS a peace there. You HAVE tried all you can do. Without her also being willing to attend to her health issues, so she becomes healthier and more able to pull together with you, this relationship kite cannot fly.
You did not cause her issues. You cannot cure her issues. Only she can do the work to become a healthy person. She doesn't want to. She even tells you so. She has told you point blank that she will not be doing work on herself. She doesn't see it as a problem. She sees it as YOUR problem.
So, if she's not going to do her fair share of co-creating a healthy marriage with you, and you have tried everything else, the only thing left to do is to be okay NOT trying to fly it any more. You stop trying to fly the kite that won't fly. You put it down. With regrets maybe, but you put it down.
You cannot keep going and stay with her in this marriage at the cost of your own sanity. How the next chapter of your life plays out IS up to you. You can decide that you do NOT have to be doing this anymore. The realization that you can make your own choices in your life can be a healing thing for you. You cannot control everything that's in the river, but you CAN control where you paddle your own boat.
I see that you are angry at polyamory. I wonder if you aren't also angry at The Signal for not being more honest with you, when you have tried so hard to be up front and consistently honest with her. I wonder if you are angry with the Signal for not appreciating your honesty or your other efforts. I wonder if you are angry with Signal for not being willing to pull her fair share in co-creating a
healthy dynamic.
I think feeling anger is GOOD. It's a few steps up from your former feelings of powerlessness and guilt on the
emotional guidance scale. Anger is not a place in which to stay, and you are not done climbing all the way back out. But it's good that you are moving upwards and making progress.
The things that used to make you happy -- living in the UK, music, hiking, board game group... are these things that you can bring back?
You missed having a cat and took the step to adopt one. That seemed positive. What about bringing back some of the other things, like hiking or board game group, as you figure out a longer-term thing, like how to move back to the UK?
That had been the plan before you met Signal, and on the trip back you seemed to "finally be home."
So if Signal has checked out, and blames everything on you, if she's not telling you what you need to do to earn back her trust, and even if you did those things she's still not going to give it, it's okay to give yourself permission to start thinking of a future that does not include her. Moving back to the UK could be something to think about.
I wanted to validate to you that, yes, you are seen. You aren't suffering all alone in the darkness. I do see that this is a hard/dark time for you still. But I wanted to lift up that you seem to be on an upward turn. Not all the way done. Certainly more to do. But you
have moved up and along in your process. That small flicker of light in the darkness does not go unnoticed.
Namaste.
And hang in there!
Galagirl