Cheating, insecurities, jealousy, mental illness

D

Daddysboogerbaby

New member
I have been having a lot of issues with my boyfriend lately. When we first met (over 2 years ago) He stated that he was poly. I was/am married and we clicked really well. He got along great with my husband too. We all 3 live together. He moved in about a year after we started dating. He had no job si my husband and I supported him until about 2 months ago when he finally landed a job.

4 months after we started dating, he cheated on me. I wouldn't have had an issue with him sleeping with someone else but,
1. He stated that he was going to be mono for me.
2. He screwed a chick he absolutely despises. (He claims that she guilted him into it)

I was furious but we settled things.

A few months later, I came across a profile that he made where he and another girl were all mooshy gooshy and saying they love each other. Also, another profile he made that stated he was actively seeking a partner.

Now, these two profiles he says he has no recollection of making. After extensive talking we came to the conclusion that it's possible he has DID. (Basically a split/multiple personality disorder) I honestly don't doubt this because of his troubled past and severe depression at times.

Within the two years we have been together, he has told me that he has basically turned mono. He wants me and only me. And has started with severe jealousy. It started with me and my husband, we had a huge blow up and he ultimately told me he wanted a divorce (his NRE and stress caused this). We have settled things now, too.

Bf doesn't like the idea of me and my husband anymore. He says he feels like I am the one cheating now. Also, my needs are not being met in either relationship. I talked to both husband and bf about me seeking a fwb or maybe just a friend. Husband is totally fine with it. Bf not so much (I posted a few weeks ago about this).

Bf tells me to do what makes me happy. But if it involves being with another person (sexually or not) He gets super depressed and basically shuts down all emotions. It makes me feel like total shit. Like I'm a whore or he finds me disgusting. He says that is definitely not how he feels about me and he can't help that his emotions get the best of him and he shuts down.

I told him to look for someone else to talk to and he refuses. He says he doesn't need anyone.

YET, I found a post on CL where he is looking for someone to talk to! This makes me super upset because he just said he doesn't want to talk to anyone and yet he's trying. I wouldn't be so upset if he had told me he did this. I feel like he has lied to me. I also had the thought that it could be possible that all of the stress lately has caused the DID to pop back up and that worries me.

Any input?
 
Daddysboogerbaby said:
YET, I found a post on CL where he is looking for someone to talk to! This makes me super upset because he just said he doesn't want to talk to anyone and yet he's trying. I wouldn't be so upset if he had told me he did this. I feel like he has lied to me. I also had the thought that it could be possible that all of the stress lately has caused the DID to pop back up and that worries me.
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Oh dear. So either he is really dishonest (possibly afraid to tell you his desires for whatever irrational anxiety he has), or he has a severe disorder.

Did he have his condition officially diagnosed? Is there any treatment?
No matter what, he sounds depressed overall and you might want to point him to a psychiatrist.

He screwed a chick he absolutely despises. (He claims that she guilted him into it)
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This is bulshit to me. Cheating with someone you have no connection with out of guilt?

Bf doesn't like the idea of me and my husband anymore. He says he feels like I am the one cheating now. Also, my needs are not being met in either relationship. I talked to both husband and bf about me seeking a fwb or maybe just a friend. Husband is totally fine with it. Bf not so much (I posted a few weeks ago about this).
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If you want to keep your marriage and bf is no longer ok with it but won't break up himself, this is a good enough reason to break up (with bf) to me. Mental illness or not.
 
Thank you for your reply. This situation is driving me crazy. I love this man to death but his mental illness and lack of communication is driving a nail between us. He is scared to see a psychiatrist. He's been in an asylum twice and refuses to ever go back. I'm worried what he might do if I break up with him. I don't want to break up with him. I love him deeply. He has always said that I am the one he has searched for and he'd die without me.
 
Simple rule I live by to have successful poly relationship... Dont fuck fragile/screwed up people. It nerves ends well.
 
Ok, I take you by your word that you don't want to break up. I try to break the issues down, so you can get a more analytical overview, and give a few suggestions, ok?

You live with your husband and your bf. The relationship and living situation was suitable two years ago, but now there are problems.

Your boyfriend:
  • Claims to have turned mono.
    He doesn't seem to handle any other of your relationships. He is jealous of your husband.
    It is understandable for someone to realize difficulties in handling poly. Then you are basically left with poly-mono relationship and need to work on finding and arrangement which suits both of you, or break up.
    Is he willing to work with jealousy? Can he come up with something which makes him more comfortable with you seeing others?​
    He is even jealous if you are with your friends, basically any other person.
    That sounds very severe to me. This is beyond basic mono jealousy. Please don't tolerate this long term. Part of his illness?​
  • Mental illness. He has severe problem with (possibly dissociating, an autism spectrum disorder, depression and anxiety, ? ....... please clarify). He's basically been a patient to you. He's been in asylum before and refuses to get treatment now.
    Mental illness seems like the most severe topic to me here. He sounds ill to the point of not dealing with life.
    According to the laws of your country, can a psychiatrist or therapist make him go to asylum against his will? You could help make it clear, that a therapist won't isolate him again and help him find one.
    You and him (especially him) need to get informed about his conditions and work on improving how he manages life. He needs to take as much responsibility for himself as he can, while not overexhausting himself to depression.
    ​
  • Trust issues. He's cheated. His actions don't match his words.
    You two need to figure out how to repair trust and prevent further shortcommings.​
  • Emotional withdrawing and lack of communication.
    If this is partly lack of skills and partly his illness? Again, you need something that works for both. You work together towards learning the skill that are necessary.
    You need to be clear on what exactly you need in terms of communication, and tell him in a comprehensible way (eg. not when upset, but when he is ok and listening). He needs to be clear on his limits. Then you can find ways to communicate. (Like, he needs a time out to emotionally process? Ok, maybe you can handle getting your answer two days later.)​
  • He seems dependant on you.
    You are his only, and "he'd die without you". He wants to be with only you. He's jealous even of your friends. You've been supporting him financially. How is this all healthy for him? How could this not be draining to you?​
Your husband:
  • Asked for divorce. You sorted it out somehow.
    Is this really sorted out now, or is this on hold?
    He is generally supportive of you seeing other people. Is he still ok with bf, especially living with bf?​

Your living situation
  • You live with both of your partners. You have been supporting your bf, but he got a job recently.
    Given the jealousy a his dependancy on you, wouldn't it be easier for everyone if he got his own place now?​

You
  • You say the situation is driving you crazy.
    What is the most difficult about this?​
  • You don't want to break up and pick the hard route of caring for an mentally ill person.
    Fair enough, your decision. Are you doing this really out of love, or out of guilt and fear?
    Also, you may be enabling your bf's dependancy. Look into that.
    Anyway, do your selfcare, get support. Maybe find a support group for partners of mentally ill patients?​
  • Your partnership needs are not being met.
    You are dissatisfied with both bf and husband at the moment. Could work on improving one or both relationships. Maybe could use outside help too.​
  • You want to find a friend or fwb.
    I am all for friends, but a blow of NRE would probably knock both you and your partners off their feet. I seems to me like the famous "relationship doesn't work, add new people". Consider getting your home situation to a stable place first, before dating.​

It's a lot. I wish you luck.

Edit: BTW, Dagferi has a point. Anyway, as a fragile person, I say we can have relationships too :) We need to learn a lot however, about our fragilities and how not to be a victim, and so do our partners.
 
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I would STRONGLY caution you against falling into the trap of "he would die without me, I don't know what he'd do if I break up with him." His responses and reactions are not your responsibility; they're his. If it comes down to a choice between him reacting negatively or you staying in an unhealthy/toxic/dangerous situation, you need to take care of yourself. You can't help someone who refuses to be helped.
 
You two are no longer compatible - that seems obvious. So, why don't you want to break up? Loving him is not enough reason, I hope you know. We should never stay in a relationship out of guilt or feeling obligated. He seems like a manipulator. Everything was okay until shortly after he got a job and had to stop mooching off of you and start paying his own way, right? It's a tantrum. I say it's time to let go. In this case, letting him go would be the most compassionate thing you can do.
 
I love this man to death but his mental illness and lack of communication is driving a nail between us.
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Understandable.

He is scared to see a psychiatrist. He's been in an asylum twice and refuses to ever go back.
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Is he able to turn himself into hospital? Seek non-asylum treatment? If so, it is his responsibility to get on with his health care plan.

If he is not willing/able? Are you in a position where you can turn him in for involuntary commitment? If not, you could alert his next of kin who IS.

If you are not willing/not able to deal with that level of mental health issues? Break up. Care about him from a distance, but get out of the way so his people / health services step in to aid him.

I'm worried what he might do if I break up with him. I don't want to break up with him. I love him deeply. He has always said that I am the one he has searched for and he'd die without me.
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He's eventually going to die with you too. Everyone dies. He's being overly dramatic. I think he's controlling you by playing at your sympathies. If you strip away the feelings stuff what's the behavior?

  • He's sick and he won't get care.
  • Or he's a super huge liar, and he's using you.

Neither is pretty.

I see that you don't want to break up, but there's a think called "breaking up with regrets." It's ok to have regrets and sorrows and still break up anyway because it's the only thing left.

You are being drained dry. You could end it so you have time and space to repair YOU. And he has time space to repair HIM. If you get back together later when both are healthier? Great. If it turned out he was a liar or too far gone to help? You are out of the mess. Not in the mess with things still dragging on and on. Win either way for you.

You can love him from a distance. You don't have to stop loving him. But you do have to accept your personal limitations. You are clearly fed up/drained living like this. You are not put on this earth to be his "life raft." He's not working to stabilize so you have to remove yourself from being this close to it. So YOU can be well. The feelings might be hard but the actions seem straightforward.

If he is not doing his personal responsibility of taking care of his health, taking his meds, getting a dx and treatment plan, and then DOING his management plan? That's enough reason for me to walk. I don't want to hang around careless/unmanaged people. That kind of thing brings MY health and well-being down. I have no desired to be drained dry.

I am concerned you are being drained dry, and you wish the draining part would stop, but it isn't. You seem to see that. When all the choices are hard, you have to pick your hard and pick the least stinky choice. Between

1) Keep on being drained
2) get out of the way and stop being drained

I think ending it with him is the least stinky choice. You could become willing to ask him to move out and break up with him so you stop being drained dry. He might not look after his health but you can look after yours.

It's sad but if he's hell bent on sinking? You do NOT have to join him just to keep him company.

I am very sorry you deal in this. It is not fun. :(

Please take care of YOU though.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Daddysboogerbaby,

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) could explain just about anything, only I find it odd if you haven't seen any of his alternate personalities outside of his internet activities.

There is a story, Let Go of the Rope. It urges you to take reasonable care of yourself when someone else won't take reasonable care of themself. I know you don't want to break up with your boyfriend but this is something to think about.

I hope you can find a suitable solution.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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