Giant plea for help

S

superaspiegirl

New member
Warning: This post is going to be long.

Hello. I (Maybe asexual, bi-romantic) met my SO (Bisexual, homo-romantic) online in August of last year. We met up as friends a few times then went on a date and that was that. I bought up the topic of polyamory on our first date in the spirit of openness. It is not something I've done before but it is something I feel like I need in a relationship for a variety of reasons.

I have Asperger's Syndrome and feel like my partner having other partners would give me the down-time I need sometimes. This has become more important now because she doesn't have many friends outside of our relationship and has become very dependent on me, something which I dislike. Originally I wanted a triad (Of course, how naive I was...) and I thought that this would mean that I would be able to socialise for longer periods if I wasn't relied on to be mentally present all the time because I'd be able to take a backseat sometimes in conversation. I might get some stick for this next bit. As an aspie I am a very practical person so I did, of course, consider the practicalities of being poly such as there being less of a burden on everyone for things like housework and rent costs...

Polyamory has become more important to me lately since I have been struggling with my sexuality and identity. My SO is my first female partner and when we started seeing each other I thought I was homosexual but for the past 2-3 months I have had zero interest in anything sexual. I don't know if this is because of my Aspergers or because I'm evolving into being asexual. My SO has a high libido and I thought another partner would be able to satisfy those needs of my SO rather than me being forced to do anything I'm uncomfortable with. Lack of sex is causing a lot of problems in our relationship because my SO strongly associates sex with being wanted and the lack of sex is making her very insecure which in turn makes me not want to see her and then she feels less wanted etc. When she's insecure she's needy and I feel like I can't deal with her when she's like that.

I know I am not perfect and a lot of this is my fault and that I need to be better at making her feel special and wanted but it feels like she doesn't appreciate all the nice things I do for her because they're not sexual. People might be thinking that I should just have sex for her because it makes her feel happy but the idea of doing it makes me feel panicky and terrified. At this point it feels more like a phobia because it became an issue and that made it a source of anxiety and that made it more an issue and it's a circle.

About 4 months some sexual stuff happened between us with a very close male friend of mine. I have been friends with this person for about a year but we only really became close friends when I started dating my SO. We considered trying to have a poly triad relationship but I suggested that it might not be a good idea because my SO had serious issues with kissing between myself and the male friend. She has issues with men and this would make her anxious and then angry. We stopped seeing my friend in that way and continued to all see each other as friends. Soon after this, I lost my interest in sex. I don't know if this is at all related to my SO getting angry at my during sex or not. Since then we've been having a lot of problems. She is sad all the time because I don't want to/can't have sex.

I have been encouraging her to meet new people for dates because I think it would make her happier and it doesn't bother me if that's not as a triad. I just want her to be happy again. She doesn't want to meet new people because she has no confidence because I don't make her feel wanted because I don't have sex with her. I have also been encouraging her to make new friends too because she said at the beginning that she really wanted to maintain her independence and at the moment it feels like she's completely dependent on me. If I cancel plans because I need alone time (which is more often that usual at the moment due to always being with her because she doesn't have anyone else to spend time with) then she becomes angry at me and she has started making plans on days we were going to spend together because I prefer to decide what to do spontaneously and that's not reliable enough for her.

About three weeks ago I told her that I wanted to be with the friend who I originally said it would be best if we didn't see in that way, and she seemed surprisingly cool with it. We all went on a date a few days after that and had a really nice time together. Then everything started to go downhill. She said that she didn't want to be in a relationship with him because she's not attracted to him in that way, which is fine, and she said that I could see him if I wanted but that she wouldn't ever want to see us together because the idea of us touching each other makes her feel sick.

I feel as though she's just not poly. Or that she only wants a triad (something which doesn't seem like a viable option at the moment) and doesn't want any other kind of poly. She says that she'd be happy with me being with other people, just not him but it feels like she'd say that if I had chosen someone else to want to be with; like she wants me to be with other people... as long as they're not the specific people that I want to be with. She's making this into a 'don't ask, don't tell' relationship which is not at all what I want or ever wanted.

I am stressed all the time at the prospect of seeing my SO because I never know if I might accidentally do something to make her angry or sad.
I feel guilty about wanting to see my friend because I know that if I see them then she won't and I don't want to take someone who has become a friend away from her.
I don't want to be mono. I don't want to only be with someone who I make sad. I need to be with at least one person that I make happy.
She is worried that I will become sexual and have sex with my friend.
I am stressed over the prospect that I might not be gay.
My SO is worried that she'll see less of me which is ironic because I don't want to see her at the moment when she's making me stressed and acting so insecure and needy.
I want my SO to be happy for me and still want to see our friend.
I want my SO to find someone who fulfils her needs and can make her happy again.
I just want to be with both of them and be happy.

Please give me advice. My life is extremely difficult and unhappy at the moment and I don't know how to fix it.
 
Well, you do seem to know that you've got a LOT to unpack here. ;)

Okay, let's start at the top: what form of AS are you? Do you have significant alexithymia? What sort of outbursts are you prone to? When were you diagnosed? What clinical management do you follow (behavioral support, speech therapy, movement, meds)? This is significant.

Do you see AS as a set of strengths different from the (largely imaginary) societal "norms"? ...or as a disability? Any of the latter might have you setting yourself up in "victim" status, which not only encourages victimizers to come into your life, but can bring out this trait in otherwise healthy people -- in short, you might be making your gf crazy.

You're also indicating a tendency to expect that "going poly" will somehow fix difficulties you encounter -- in a word, NO. See, polyamory DOES NOT fix stuff (culture, monogamy, marriage, self-image, etc.), DOES NOT simplify anything, DOES NOT make life easier -- as a matter of demonstrable fact, IT USUALLY DOES THE OPPOSITE. If you can't hack monogamy, you'll probably suck at polyamory. You need to get rid of either the "poly" or the "fix" part of the equation, & perhaps BOTH.

Next up: sex. You are certainly too willing to muddle "interest in sex" with "interest in sex with my gf" -- stop that now. Interest in sex qua sex will wax/wane, sexual interest in a given person will wax/wane, & these cycles have a way of NOT remaining conveniently aligned.

And I'll point out that your gf is making you feel like a no-good shit for not having enough sex with her, & it takes a certain masochism to find THAT a turn-on. :( If it's as you say, then consider Robert Merton:
The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation, evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come true. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error, for the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.
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You've been involved with her for EIGHT MONTHS. No, let me correct that: you only MET her, ONLINE, eight months ago. You hung out three times IRL, & called it a marriage. :eek: Can you see the problems beginning here?

Four months ago -- which would be less than three months into your first girl/girl sex -- you got a bit kissyface with a penis-person, which displeased the gf. A month-or-so later, you all but lost interest in sex with the gf. "we only really became close friends when I started dating my SO", & I'm confident you can see this timeline.
I need to be better at making her feel special and wanted.
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Well... no. You cannot MAKE her ANYTHING. Not sanely, anyway: I suppose you might chain yourself to the metaphoric bedpost & do nothing but fake a constant high level of sexual excitation 24/7, stalking her wherever she goes for unexpected quickie encounters, & I suspect she'd get tired of that soon enough & you'd be back to blaming yourself.

One thing you CAN fix: your need for "spontaneity." If you don't know how to plan, or if you fear disappointment if plans fall apart, or you chafe at the feeling of being controlled, then maybe get over yourself a little & LEARN HOW TO DO IT.

Your so willing one moment to be the lamb (if not ragdoll), then you go all stiffnecked over that...? Your dyad has poor problem-solving abilities. Unless you fix that, you're not only doomed, but there was really never much there.

Like far too many, you assume that it's all gonna be hearts-&-chocolate, based on the initial Romantic nonsense. But any two strangers can share a few GOOD moments. A relationship is defined by the difficulties that it has overcome/resolved, together.

Get rid of labels & hype & overanalysis! Your gf is NOT much of a "partner" (perhaps it's vice versa), & "SO" is looking like a stretch

Oh, & STOP with the orientational tsuris. If you're half as obsessive as me, though, then at least give up on the one-dimensional nonsense, & place yourself on the Klein Grid.

If you are honest about wanting to work things out with your gf, then DO SO. From what you say, you're BOTH halfway out the door, & probably waiting for the other to leave so that the survivor can have fun with the "woe is me" card. Stop trying to drag your Cute New Guy into the mix -- wait, is this another "fix" thing? -- & instead buckle down with your gf & shut out ALL distractions & learn how to TALK & learn how to solve problems.

If it's too much effort for either of you, then stop mucking about, locate your nads, & LEAVE. Seriously: life is too short to wallow in your own bullshit. :(
 
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Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to what I've said and come up with some really good comments for me.

I don't know what form of Asperger's I have got. I was diagnosed 2 years ago and I don't follow any clinical management but I'm on medication for depression which was changed recently to try and make me have more of a libido. I definitely see my aspie-ism more as differences than being disabled in any way. I think that because of my Asperger's I find the human body (specifically genitals) pretty unpleasant which is why I have issues with sex.

I do not expect poly to fix problems in the slightest, maybe I did at the beginning but I definitely don't anymore. I consider myself to be pretty good at monogamy (We never seemed to have any problems in our relationship until I stopped wanting to have sex.) but it's just not what I want.

I'm not sure I see the point about the problems beginning and us only being together for eight months. I might just be misunderstanding? Can you phrase it another way?

It's her who wanted spontaneity to begin with. I love plans and being organised but I wanted to provide her with some more surprise so I started leaving days free for us to decide on the day what we wanted to do. Now she's started filling these days with other friends when I considered us to have plans.

I'm trying really hard to get better at solving problems, hence why I came here :)

I don't think I assume everything is going to be hearts and chocolate. I'm definitely a realist. Sorry about the labels, they're just things I've picked up and didn't realise they actually meant anything other than the same thing.

Klein grid sounds like a good plan. Thanks for the link!

I do really want for us to work this out so thanks for all the advice that I definitely needed to hear.
 
Hi superaspiegirl,

Sorry I don't have a lot of advice; from my perspective your options are rather limited. You could reassure your partner that you love her, which I assume you're already doing ... but it's not like you can make her believe you (especially if sex is the only kind of currency she is accepting). You could break up with her, but I'm assuming that's not the kind of solution you want.

Finally there is the idea of seeing a counselor (preferably a poly-friendly one). Maybe you could both attend sessions together? Perhaps that's one route that leads to your partner believing that you love her. But, it's a route that takes time and money, plus you need a counselor who is a good match for you.

And I know you want to see your close male friend too, but you would prefer that your partner didn't get upset about it, is that right? If you could somehow remove all the barriers, would you want a triad with the three of you? or would you prefer if your partner dated other people?

I'll try to help if I can.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin,

Firstly thanks for your advice! I always reassure her that I do love her and that me wanting to be with other people doesn't in any way devalue how I feel about her. I really don't want to break up with her because we want a lot of the same things in life and I can see this working long term if we could just sort our shit out ;)

We have seen a councilor for one session which was kind of to assess our counselling needs and we are going to start going weekly from May 7th. We both recognise that we are super terrible at communicating and solving problems when it comes to the relationship.

I would want a triad but I think it's just not something that's possible with the male friend so now I would prefer that my partner date other people if it makes her happy. She had a good first date yesterday so I'm hoping that she'll begin to feel good about herself again soon. For now the male friend and I have agreed to cross no boundaries because according to the lessons learned we need to go at the pace of the slowest person and at the moment that's just not moving... :p
 
superaspiegirl said:
I'm not sure I see the point about the problems beginning and us only being together for eight months. I might just be misunderstanding? Can you phrase it another way?
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Although it was Ravenscroft who mentioned that, I'll jump in with my take on that aspect of your post.

Basically, eight months is no time at all (and it would seem you really started the relationship a little bit after that, anyway, so it's really less than eight months). You and she have only been together a short time, and are still getting to know each other. There is rather a lot of possessiveness and entwinement going on for such a new relationship -- and now you're even planning to go to therapy this soon... ugh. If a relationship is this much work and angst so early on, I'd say this person just isn't the one for you. This relationship isn't working and probably never will. The pendulum should swing more into joy and ease and satisfaction than where it is right now, which is discomfort, guilt, trying to please someone who isn't happy, and wishing things were different. These kinds of issues do not bode well for a relationship that is less than 3/4 of a year old, and would seem to point to basic incompatibility mixed in with some codependency.

The other thing I wanted to say is about the loss of sexual interest you've been experiencing. I have a friend who told me recently that she has no libido anymore, after being a very highly sexed person her whole adult life, but she didn't know if it's because she doesn't want to have sex with her boyfriend anymore or if she doesn't want to have sex at all, with anyone, anymore.

Immediately after that, she was talking about all the things that bothered her about her boyfriend and made her unhappy about her relationship. She has lived for the past six or so years with this man who completely turns her off physically, and disappoints her constantly. She went on and on, and the only positive thing she had to say about him was that he was a good traveling companion whenever they take a trip. She said she wants to be with someone who lights up when she walks in the room, and he barely notices she's there. In addition, my observation was that they are intellectually mismatched.

Their relationship had basically become platonic. He's a drag and a drain on her energy and she wonders why she isn't sexually interested anymore. Well, it became crystal clear to me why she had no more libido. I believe it will return if she breaks up with him and looks around to see what other kinds of men are out there. Just thought that story might help you gain a little insight into your situation.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

FWIW, here's what I think I am hearing from your post. Correct me if I get anything wrong, ok? Blue is mine.

  • I want less of a burden for things like housework and rent costs. (Could find a roomie)
  • I have Asperger's Syndrome and I need regular down time alone. I want an independent partner who can be ok with me being alone X times a week. They can be with their friends, date other people, or be on their own -- I don't mind what they pick. I just need MY time alone.
  • I don't want to be forced to do anything sexual I am not comfortable with. I want consensual, joyful sex. Not "chore" sex.
  • I want a partner who matches in libido with me, or who has other partners to meet their sex needs with.
  • I want a secure partner. I don't want a partner who feels validated only via sex with me. I don't want to dispense sex like I'm their validation thermometer. (<---Main problem here!) Becoming a "sex dispenser" does not turn me on, and invalidates me. I'm not going to invalidate myself just to prop someone else up.
  • I want a partner who enjoys spontaneity. I don't want to plan everything all the time in terms of what to do on dates.
  • I want to be free to see others. While I want an Open model, I do not want a DADT Open model. I prefer Open Models like ____. (What Open Models do you like best? Could that help articulate it?)

Please give me advice. My life is extremely difficult and unhappy at the moment and I don't know how to fix it.
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I think you haven't been dating all that long, and you now find that your GF is not actually deeply compatible.

That the point to dating -- you figure out who is compatible and who is not. Then from these initially compatible people you figure out... is it DEEP compatibility or not? Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner.

I think you could simplify your life by breaking up with the GF, and encouraging her to find someone else more compatible to her.

Then you could date the guy you want to date with less complications. But be clear with him about what you are looking for in a partner. Maybe talk about the things you want from a relationship/a partner I listed above.

she said at the beginning that she really wanted to maintain her independence
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In this case, that was initially attractive to you. Then you came to find that actually... she's not.

If I listed the things you want from a partner correctly? I think what you are seeking is doable.

You might just have to be more aware of the "togetherness" thing when you vet potential dating partners. Some people want to do everything together. Some people do NOT. If it were on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being super independent and 10 being super together? A 1 and a 3 could get along pretty well. A 1 and 7 not so much. A 7 and a 10 could get along though.

Galagirl
 
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I don't really have much of a burden at the moment but yes, you are correct. I did consider that when looking for a relationship. I don't usually feel close enough to friends to want to live with them/rely on them for actual life things.

I think I would prefer the multiple primary partners open model where we both can have other partners but no partner is more important than another. Whereas she has said that she will always want me as a primary yet knows that I would consider all partners to be equal. This she dislikes.

I am hoping that she is not incompatible and will come around to things in time because she didn't use to be like this when we started seeing each other. But that might just be because other people always seem to put forward their best self when going into new relationships. I'm coming here because I'm trying to do everything I can to avoid breaking up with her because I love her. I also would not want to date the friend solo either. If I were monogamous, I probably wouldn't choose either of them because in monogamy you need someone to have it all.

This comment might not read entirely right because I'm super tired so I'll probably add some more comments to it later.

In other news, girlfriend and friend are going on a camping holiday together so that they can try and become better friends to the point that she is okay with me and him starting to see each other in more than a platonic way - something we have set boundaries about doing for now while me and her try to make things more good between us. It was his suggestion. I am minor-ly worried that she will push him off a mountain or something because he can be really annoying. :p
 
I've been told off by male-friend.

He said "I'm mainly going on holiday because I like X and spending time with her
It probably has poly benefits, and these problems are why you shouldn't come even though I'd prefer if you could, but it's not *why*, so much"

There we go. This part is clearer now.
 
Hey superaspiegirl,

Sorry your male friend told you off. It seems that you have bad news coming at you from multiple directions, that is not fun. I can't tell you what's the right thing to do, I can only give advice and/or feedback for my part on this forum. If you are going to stick with your partner, then it is good that you are getting counseling.

Hang in there ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I thought I'd post a bit of an update.

I've been away for work this week which I've had a lot of time by myself to think and reflect on everything. For now, I'm not going to accept that my girlfriend and I are just deeply incompatible. I think that with time she will become more okay with us being poly. She had a first date last Sunday which went well and I have realised that it is really important to travel at (or slower than) the pace of the slowest person. My friend and I have set strict platonic boundaries for now for the below reasons:

1. To slow relationship down in reaction to girlfriends's fear that relationship with friend will overtake and displace ours

2. To reduce anxiety about friend getting more love than her, when the relationship as a whole feels vulnerable

3. To control NRE, which is easy to get carried away with and forget to work as hard on my relationship with girlfriend

4. To give girlfriend space to see what sort of relationship she could have with friend, without feeling strong-armed into it

I am also making much more of an effort to do nice things for girlfriend and see her one-on-one than both of us seeing friends together. We're going for dinner tomorrow and having a movie night on Sunday.

The biggest breakthrough is probably that she suggested I stay at friends house on Saturday in case she wants to go back to the house of the girl she had a date with last weekend after they see each other on Saturday. :D I hope she does goes to her dates house and I'm really happy that she had a good date last weekend. If she doesn't go to her dates house, I am going to stay at her house instead.

I think things might be looking up!
 
Hi superaspie,

Keep us posted; I am glad to hear that things are looking up.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Update: So... She punched male friend in the face (over a misunderstanding wherein I thought he had told her I was at his place because I had no phone charge and he thought I'd told her). I have said that I will see her tomorrow and that we either need to go on a break and start again from the beginning or just stop trying so we'll see.
 
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Uh-oh, that doesn't sound so good.
 
superaspiegirl said:
She punched male friend in the face
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Assault & battery because she didn't get her way?

You're an Aspie. By definition, you have little-or-no ability to empathize with the feelings of others. And it's likely that your own tolerance for ambiguity is very low.

Your gf lashes out physically when she gets frustrated/insecure?

NOT a good combination.

You maybe ought to wait to see her until AFTER the court-ordered anger-management classes. :eek:
 
Whoa. :eek:

I think assault is a reason to end it. You do not need it to be your face next time. Or worse.

Galagirl
 
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It seems to me that you've been looking for a sign to end your relationship with her. Well, here's that sign in glowing, unmissable letters. Please, for your own safety, you need to end things.
 
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