Poly Under Stress

Reverie

Active member
Does anyone else find it way closer to impossible to "do poly" without getting upset when you're at breaking-point-level stress in non-relationship areas of your life?

I've been feeling like I just need a break from any additional complications in my life, since I just completed a cross-country move, with that host of related changes, including going from working at home to in an office with a commute again, plus being under a TON of financial stress.

The jealousy and processing stuff is part of the poly package, I know, and it's my stuff to deal with. But I feel like everything besides my relationship is barely balancing on a wire right now, and that adding new people to my relationship is going to make that one "solid" area of my life just as wobbly as the rest of the parts, and I am just going to totally melt down or something.

I feel like the added complication of a potential new person is the straw that could break the camel's back, and therefore my sanity?

I lose a lot of my coping strength when I am stressed out, and things feel like they are overwhelming, snowballing, terrible and inescapable.

"Existing" people—known quantities—aren't bothering me at all, but they are all very far away and can visit only rarely. But the spectre of adding new people to the mix right now seems impossibly daunting.

I worry that I was all "big poly talk" when I was more emotionally stable, and I did follow through with it in actions at the time, but now that I'm juggling almost more than I can handle in other areas of my life, I am desperately craving the stability of something closer to mono, or at least to swinger-style "once in a while casual sex" outside of the relationship.

I don't have the time or money to go to therapy right now, nor sufficient energy to work through my issues on my own without going into near-meltdown mode every time the possibility of someone new appears on the horizon for my partner.

I'm exhausted. I want a break from the work. From the processing. From the uncertainty. I want to placate myself with the illusion of control and certainty in that one seemingly solid area while I get my shit together with everything else.

But at the same time, I don't want to ask my partner to deny himself pleasure on my behalf. He's excited to meet new people and engage with them. His transition into our new situation has been a lot smoother than mine has been. He works less and makes more money, thus having more expendable time and means to go have fun. Talking to new people is easier for him.

All of the options seem bad:

1. Asking to close for a time - Denies partner pleasure, perhaps breeding resentment. Makes me look wishy-washy or like a hypocrite for being able to do it for a while and getting exhausted by it.

2. Keep doing the fear/jealousy/processing/self-work cycle until I totally deplete myself (because it takes a TON of energy) - Seems unwise to ever totally deplete myself. I can feel that I'm close to the edge and that is just terrible enough.

3. Breaking up for different desires, over a likely temporary change of attitude (likely temporary because I usually enjoy poly when I am less stressed and more emotionally stable) - We just got to a new city less than four months ago, all the way across the country. Our relationship is otherwise incredibly good. The stress of all of this would likely be even greater, if it is stress that I am trying to avoid.

I'm sure there are some (many?) people on this board who can find joy and compersion in their partner's being able to go make their fun with other people when they, themselves, are too stressed and busy to be of much use. I hope I eventually discover what their secret is, because, for me, when I am stressed or sick or hormonal, or any combination of those, I totally lose the ability for compersion and instead selfishly want undivided attention, stability, and consoling.

I'm curious about what other people's experiences with situations like this has been, and if any bright forumite may have a #4 solution that I am not seeing.
 
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Hi Reverie,

I unfortunately can only offer my sympathy, I do not know how to cope with stress, I get stressed out over little (let alone big) things and just about lose my mind.

Of the three options you mentioned, asking to close for a time seems to be the "least bad." You could estimate something that seemed like a maximum amount of time to stay closed (a year?), then reduce that amount of time if you get to feeling better sooner.

If your partner agrees to do it, then that is really his choice and responsibility. I'm not saying he won't resent it, I'm just saying that he, too, has options.

Maybe you can talk to him and figure out some kind of compromise? Like he dates, but less often? I don't know, something like that.

I hope you can get through this difficult time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Of the three options you mentioned, asking to close for a time seems to be the "least bad." You could estimate something that seemed like a maximum amount of time to stay closed (a year?), then reduce that amount of time if you get to feeling better sooner.

If your partner agrees to do it, then that is really his choice and responsibility. I'm not saying he won't resent it, I'm just saying that he, too, has options.

Maybe you can talk to him and figure out some kind of compromise? Like he dates, but less often? I don't know, something like that.

Thank you, Kevin. I wasn't thinking anything even nearly as long as a year when I said that. When I considered it, I was picturing something closer to like 4 to 6 months—just long enough for me to get my bearings in my "new life" and perhaps find a way to get back into therapy once my financial stuff is a little better and I am established and comfortable enough in my new position to be able to leave for a couple of hours for the appointments.

And by "close" I wasn't even thinking to close 100%; like if any of the people he already was seeing—not new, stressful people, but people we have history and a stable dynamic with—wanted to come visit, or he wanted to visit them, that wouldn't bug me in the slightest. Or if we got a wild hair and wanted to go to a swing club or out hunting together for a hookup or something—some situation where I can have a modicum of control and get a sense for the person(s) from the get-go without his being invested in "liking" them already—that would be OK too.

Like I said, I know they are my issues, and that at the root of all of this, I have to deal with them, but I have a category of person who pings my control issues right now (unknown people that Rider might find "in the wild" and want to start dating), and I just can't really do anything about the issues right this very moment other than perhaps read books.

I did order one of those Tara Brach books you recommended! It's on its way to my house now. But I know that even that sort of thing isn't a quick fix, and I feel like I just need to catch my breath again and get to a better place with everything else before I process any more "new people stress" or NRE on his part.

Sigh.
 
So, maybe six months before dating anyone new? It's not a great proposition, but it's the best one you have. Either that or maybe only date new people once a month ... depending on if that's a compromise that would help you.

It's important for you to have some peace of mind for a number of reasons, one of which is the new job you're working at. You need to do your best at that job, not have your mind scattered all over the place by this poly business.

Re: Tara Brach ... I'm not familiar with that author; must be someone else that recommend her to you. Still, I am hoping that the book you ordered will help you center yourself somewhat.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Re: Tara Brach ... I'm not familiar with that author; must be someone else that recommend her to you. Still, I am hoping that the book you ordered will help you center yourself somewhat.

Oh, snap, I'm sorry. You're the one that recommended that TED talk, not the book. Sorry, I have a poor memory. That TED talk made me cry! I took notes and everything, and it was very helpful. It was Cleo who recommended Brach.

I am so thankful for all the support I receive here. I often feel like I would be truly lost without it, though luckily it is rather far between times that I need it.
 
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I wouldn't hesitate to ask for a closed relationship time frame if I needed it. Hell, I am under one now - and there is no end date specified. PunkRock and WarMan asked that I not seek new partners. So, I'm not.

For all of the reasons you've given, I think you do need a break for at least a shot bit! :)
 
Hey there Reverie,
I'm glad if I could be of some help.

The TED talk I recommend most often is Brené Brown on Vulnerability. That may be the one you saw. Another one I sometimes recommend is Stephanie Snyder on Broken Places. I know we're just on the subject, but watch both talks anyway if you haven't already. I found them both very insightful and inspirational, and both might be helpful to you in your situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I wouldn't hesitate to ask for a closed relationship time frame if I needed it. Hell, I am under one now - and there is no end date specified. PunkRock and WarMan asked that I not seek new partners. So, I'm not.

For all of the reasons you've given, I think you do need a break for at least a shot bit! :)

Thanks for the input. It is actually very heartening to me to hear that one of my three "bad solutions" doesn't seem so bad to the poly community at large, thus far, especially experienced and successful members such as yourself. I have a "thing" about not wanting to step on people's autonomy, so it seemed like a terrible idea to me. But it really is getting to the point of EVERYTHING JUST STAHHHHHHP and I feel like I should put my emotional well being somewhere near the top of the priority pile.
 
"Closed to new people" is our default setting during stressful times... It's pretty easy for us since we poly saturate at very low numbers and rarely actively search for new partners, anyway.

I can see how that would feel limiting or unfair if your partner is missing having other local partners. But it's not, like, so crazy or "un-poly" that you should feel uncomfortable asking if it's an option.
 
"Closed to new people" is our default setting during stressful times... It's pretty easy for us since we poly saturate at very low numbers and rarely actively search for new partners, anyway.

I can see how that would feel limiting or unfair if your partner is missing having other local partners. But it's not, like, so crazy or "un-poly" that you should feel uncomfortable asking if it's an option.

Thanks for this. I'm not sure if he is missing having other local partners. I don't think he, like, yearns for it. But he is a very in-the-moment, serendipity-based, "see what happens" kind of person, and I think that it will always definitely chafe to cut off potential options for a pleasant way that things could go with someone. Now, whether it's worth it to him or not to sacrifice that "potential more pleasant" for the "guaranteed more pleasant" of having a live-in partner who is slowly getting more and more on top of things rather than more and more depleted and kinda drowning...I guess that's up to him to decide.

I know how much he loves me—that's never at question—but what this thread has come to discuss is basically temporarily suspending the agreement structure we've had since the beginning (totally open poly) for something a lot more restricted. So I'm honestly not sure what his reaction to that idea would be.

I'm going to wait a couple of days to really open a dialog about it. I'll get some more feedback here, wait for my hormones to die down a bit (hello, PMS week!), and have a couple of nice weekend experiences with him, and then maybe revisit it Sunday night or something.
 
Hey there Reverie,
I'm glad if I could be of some help.

The TED talk I recommend most often is Brené Brown on Vulnerability. That may be the one you saw. Another one I sometimes recommend is Stephanie Snyder on Broken Places. I know we're just on the subject, but watch both talks anyway if you haven't already. I found them both very insightful and inspirational, and both might be helpful to you in your situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

YES! it was the Brené Brown one! I will definitely watch the other one soon too! Thank you so much!
 
Slightly different perspective here... as a person with huge control issues and a ton of anxiety, and as a person who stresses out over even the most minor of things.... poly is definitely a big challenge for me. However. Personally I would not ask any of my partners for a closed relationship, and I would not be pleased if they asked me for one.

Like Kevin says, I would (and have, in the past) ask for a different kind of poly - like, make agreements that immediately after every date partner went on, he and I also had a date to reconnect - something I don't need when i am at relatively low stress level, but do need when I am particularly anxious and panicky.

I suppose my option #4 would be... is it possible to look at the situation without assuming that you will deplete yourself completely? Is it possible to believe in yourself a little bit more? Instead of thinking of it like a ton of hard work and processing - think of it as something you can do, if you give yourself enough selfcare, treat your body and soul as best as you can? I'm not saying it is easy... I am just saying that by assuming that Rider dating will cause you so much stress you won't be able to handle it, maybe you are setting yourself up for failure?

I can relate to work being very busy etc... but still, maybe you could carve out some time each day to 'date yourself' and do things that recharge you as a person... I don't know, maybe that doesn't fit you, but it is the only thing that works for me.

And yay Tara Brach :) Love her talks. Here's another thing I read often when panic strikes:

http://www.lionsroar.com/how-we-get-hooked-shenpa-and-how-we-get-unhooked/
 
Slightly different perspective here... as a person with huge control issues and a ton of anxiety, and as a person who stresses out over even the most minor of things.... poly is definitely a big challenge for me. However. Personally I would not ask any of my partners for a closed relationship, and I would not be pleased if they asked me for one.

Like Kevin says, I would (and have, in the past) ask for a different kind of poly - like, make agreements that immediately after every date partner went on, he and I also had a date to reconnect - something I don't need when i am at relatively low stress level, but do need when I am particularly anxious and panicky.

I suppose my option #4 would be... is it possible to look at the situation without assuming that you will deplete yourself completely? Is it possible to believe in yourself a little bit more? Instead of thinking of it like a ton of hard work and processing - think of it as something you can do, if you give yourself enough selfcare, treat your body and soul as best as you can? I'm not saying it is easy... I am just saying that by assuming that Rider dating will cause you so much stress you won't be able to handle it, maybe you are setting yourself up for failure?

I can relate to work being very busy etc... but still, maybe you could carve out some time each day to 'date yourself' and do things that recharge you as a person... I don't know, maybe that doesn't fit you, but it is the only thing that works for me.

And yay Tara Brach :) Love her talks. Here's another thing I read often when panic strikes:

http://www.lionsroar.com/how-we-get-hooked-shenpa-and-how-we-get-unhooked/

I will read it, for sure.

I totally hear everyhing you're saying, and I really do try to do very well in the "self care" department. Every morning I run down a list of nice things that I do for myself, and if I find a few extra minutes, I try to add something small to the list. Most of the ones I accomplish pretty close to daily are kind of basic stuff like...

- make sure I get close to 8 hours of sleep
- make sure I move around a bit every day (more than covering this one lately)
- take my supplements
- take time to brew myself coffee or tea before leaving each morning
- do a facial care routine at least once a day, if not twice
- take a breather a few times a day to read something interesting or light-hearted
- eat veggies at least once per day (usually more than cover this one too)
- get some chores done in the morning so I can relax when I get home

etc.

But then I try to add some special stuff in there too. Like having a "personal care" category in my strict budget and if I find a moment I might go to the thrift store and get a piece of clothing. Or I might take a long, hot "till the water goes cold" kind of de-stressing shower every once in a while. Or "waste" an hour pinning pretty things on Pinterest to shut my brain down for a while.

And these things help. They do. But I'm still not anything approaching the mellow and stable self that I have come to know and love all these years. I'm overspent and off-kilter and I feel like I have been oscillating wildly from day to day between blissful and terrified, depending on the circumstances. That is so unlike the even-keel, easy-going, low-key creature that I usually am, and that I have a wide reputation for being, that I know that there is something seriously wrong happening inside of me.

I guess the reason that the idea of a limited temporary close appeals more to me than a "check in and reconnect after dates" thing is this:

At this exact moment in time, there is no third party's feelings mixed up in this at all. All of our other partners are all long distance, and I am actually cool with that continuing.

But say he starts dating someone local and THEN I freak out and get to my breaking point and need to close or leave. I've painted myself into a corner then. If I ask for closing then, after there's a connection fired up between him and someone else, I'd be effectively pulling veto, which I don't really agree with. At this point, I'd not be vetoing anything that actually exists.

I really try to practice a "do no harm" model of poly. And I kind of feel like that means knowing myself well enough to know when I'm not well enough to actually do it. You know? Like, I *know* my issues are all crying out and snarly right now. And I also *know* that I can't afford therapy right now. I *could* choose to walk away from the situation before making a temporary request against someone's freedom. But in my current situation (recently relocated my partner for MY job; living together; promises of commitment), that's kind of scorching the earth, I think.

I do see your point, totally, but I don't think I'm setting myself up for failure by drawing these conclusions. Instead I see it as learning my limits by butting right up against them and trying to find a solution that avoids a) inflaming more stress on my part and b) involving heretofore unknown outsiders who don't really deserve to stumble into a situation that is as volatile as I am right now.

Literally, I have gone halfway into a panic attack over little flirty hearts on Facebook one day, and a mention of a possibility of running into a (different) girl at a bar the next day. My vision goes all dark black and green around the edges and my hands start shaking too hard to type and my heart is telling me that there's a bear chasing me. It's ridiculous and totally not normal for me, and it's sapping my self control and tempting me to slack at work to soul search and "fix it" instead of paying attention to my job.

I really wish it were all assumption and underestimating my coping skills, but it's really not. I really am that much of a mess right now. And the only thing I can think to do is try to un-mess myself somehow by dealing with my OTHER stuff—the work stuff, the financial stuff, the general discombobulation from having just moved. That is my self care—my desire to focus on that instead of on more poly processing. Take care of my most pressing stuff, and then maybe I will be in a place to handle my deep stuff.

Does that make sense?
 
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I'm not entirely sure that those 3 options are your only 3 options for dealing with this.

It seems as though work is a major source of stress for you. You sound incredibly busy in that area. Is that somewhere you could start to lay down stronger boundaries? Can you push back a little on deadlines? Say that you have plans and can't work late - that sort of thing?

Money also seems to be a source of stress. I wonder if finances is currently a burden that falls on you alone? Could Rider help out? Could he work more? Or take responsibility for tracking the household budget? Or cook cheap meals in bulk?

Commuting after working from home must be a pain but I wonder if there are ways of finding some good in it. Can you use public transport and take that time to read? Or drive yourself and take that time to listen to music/talks you like? Can you have coffee/a drink with a colleague after work some days or take time out to go for a jog?

Can you find ways to carve out more time for yourself? Is there stuff that Rider can do to help?

There are times when any chosen lifestyle is a pain in the neck and bumps up against the rest of life - especially for people who have chosen a lifestyle that it outside of the norm. My take is that those times are an opportunity to make some changes in the rest of life rather than halting the thing that has been chosen.

There is ongoing stress and work in living a life outside of the norm (and my monogamous, married friends with kids tell me that their lives are filled with stress too). To me that is the challenge of it. How to do it while the rest of life goes on?

IP
 
I'm not entirely sure that those 3 options are your only 3 options for dealing with this.

It seems as though work is a major source of stress for you. You sound incredibly busy in that area. Is that somewhere you could start to lay down stronger boundaries? Can you push back a little on deadlines? Say that you have plans and can't work late - that sort of thing?

Money also seems to be a source of stress. I wonder if finances is currently a burden that falls on you alone? Could Rider help out? Could he work more? Or take responsibility for tracking the household budget? Or cook cheap meals in bulk?

Commuting after working from home must be a pain but I wonder if there are ways of finding some good in it. Can you use public transport and take that time to read? Or drive yourself and take that time to listen to music/talks you like? Can you have coffee/a drink with a colleague after work some days or take time out to go for a jog?

Can you find ways to carve out more time for yourself? Is there stuff that Rider can do to help?

There are times when any chosen lifestyle is a pain in the neck and bumps up against the rest of life - especially for people who have chosen a lifestyle that is outside of the norm. My take is that those times are an opportunity to make some changes in the rest of life rather than halting the thing that has been chosen.

There is ongoing stress and work in living a life outside of the norm (and my monogamous, married friends with kids tell me that their lives are filled with stress too). To me that is the challenge of it. How to do it while the rest of life goes on?

IP

A 4th option is totally what I'm looking for, and I thank you very much for those suggestions. I don't want to be a knee-jerk naysayer, but I have done the best that I can do in all of those areas right now.

Work is just work. Right now the whole situation is so new that I don't have a lot of control over it. It's not so much the staying late as it is the extra "outside of work" project, which I am getting paid extra for, and which is SUPPOSEDLY optional, but not really optional if I hope to advance to the position that I want. I am very much in a dues-paying stage of my career right now, being only four years out of school.

Rider does everything that he can to help out financially. Since I've been on my really strict personal budget, he's been almost saintly in his generosity, picking up the tab when we go out, bringing me a bottle of wine on the way home, surprising me with a freaking guitar when he got his tax money. But my debts are mine and were, for the most part, incurred in situations that had little to do with him.

My commute is actually something that I recently changed very much for the better. My office moved and so now I ride my bike there and back each day—ten miles of exercise five days a week! With music I like, it is downright pleasant, not to mention healthful. Even still, now I must rise before 8, go in to the office, and come home, when for the past three years I rose at 12, grabbed my laptop, and worked until I was done. Yes, sometimes it was 60-hour weeks, but as a night owl, waking at noon and working at home in my PJs is a lot different than trying to be a regular morning person. I know plenty of people do it, but it has been a very rough adjustment for me personally. It's been years since I had to regularly be anywhere before 10:30 or later.

The thing I know I need is therapy. Just give me an experienced hand in handling my issues and a place to cry on impartial ears and things will get better. But I can't have it right now. So I wait.

Ugh. Discussing this more is making me feel worse instead of better. It's so rare that that happens here.
 
Yuck. You are having a tough time of it. :(

Another thought struck me. While it is tempting to make decisions that change life during periods of stress, the stress hampers the ability to make good decisions.

It was one of the things I read a couple of years ago when my life was very stressful - due to personality changing illness and death of multiple members of my close family. I wanted to dump my boyfriend and go back to being single. I find being single easier and I wanted easy then.

But I'd read a thing that said to make no major changes for at least 6 months after a significant bereavement. I had 3 of those in 3 years. So I waited. I waited and I just did what I needed to get through each day. As the time passed, so did my overwhelming desire to be single again. I'm now very glad that I didn't dump my boyfriend and that he is still in my life.

IP
 
Yuck. You are having a tough time of it. :(

Another thought struck me. While it is tempting to make decisions that change life during periods of stress, the stress hampers the ability to make good decisions.

It was one of the things I read a couple of years ago when my life was very stressful - due to personality changing illness and death of multiple members of my close family. I wanted to dump my boyfriend and go back to being single. I find being single easier and I wanted easy then.

But I'd read a thing that said to make no major changes for at least 6 months after a significant bereavement. I had 3 of those in 3 years. So I waited. I waited and I just did what I needed to get through each day. As the time passed, so did my overwhelming desire to be single again. I'm now very glad that I didn't dump my boyfriend and that he is still in my life.

IP

I have definitely had the "life would be easier if I were single" thoughts lately. But I know that it actually wouldn't be. It would be insanely complicated untangling our lives from each other at this juncture. I know I want to be with him, if he'll continue to have me in my current state. I just want...to rest...in that state of being with him. Or to press the pause button on life and catch my breath. Or to crawl into a little pocket suspended in time and sleep there for a hundred years.

It's been almost four months since the move and I still feel like I'm running on the spinning log over the river. With the commute change and the budget in place for the past few weeks, I *think* I see the way off the log and out of the river. But it's taking every scrap of "coping" that I have to persevere and get there.

I don't want to break up with him. I really don't. And I've promised him that I won't unless things get bad in my connection with him. And they're not—they are consistently WONDERFUL. He's the sweetest to the core, the kindest, the most generous, the most loving man I've ever had the pleasure of being so closely acquainted with. He doesn't deserve any fallout at all of what is happening inside of me. And still. I am blissfully happy part of the time, and terror-stricken/panicked/hateful/irrational another part of the time. All my kegs of self-reliance and coping skills are tapped and running dry. Poly is work. Hard work. And I just don't know how much work I have left in me right now.
 
Four months is nothing in terms of adjusting to the changes you've made in your life. It takes time and that feeling of things being out of control is pretty normal.

Turn up at work when you need to, pay your bills, ride your bike, love Rider and be kind to yourself. The time will pass and you'll get through it.
 
I guess the reason that the idea of a limited temporary close appeals more to me than a "check in and reconnect after dates" thing is this:

At this exact moment in time, there is no third party's feelings mixed up in this at all. All of our other partners are all long distance, and I am actually cool with that continuing.

But say he starts dating someone local and THEN I freak out and get to my breaking point and need to close or leave. I've painted myself into a corner then. If I ask for closing then, after there's a connection fired up between him and someone else, I'd be effectively pulling veto, which I don't really agree with. At this point, I'd not be vetoing anything that actually exists.

that makes perfect sense to me, yes. Also, I now have also read your latest blog posts, and that, combined with what you wrote above, really sounds like you are on the verge of burn out. That changes my view a little... I would sit down with Rider and tell him how bad it really is, and that it's not just 2 days a month, and that you need his help. And then try to come up with a plan that you both can live with? as a team?

You said close for 4-6 months. Why not start smaller... say, a month? And set a date for when the month is over and discuss if that month has given you some breathing room, or that you need more?
 
that makes perfect sense to me, yes. Also, I now have also read your latest blog posts, and that, combined with what you wrote above, really sounds like you are on the verge of burn out. That changes my view a little... I would sit down with Rider and tell him how bad it really is, and that it's not just 2 days a month, and that you need his help. And then try to come up with a plan that you both can live with? as a team?

You said close for 4-6 months. Why not start smaller... say, a month? And set a date for when the month is over and discuss if that month has given you some breathing room, or that you need more?

That is reasonable advice. The one thing that I wonder about—and not objection but true wondering—is whether a "month at a time" thing won't feel like continual kicking a can down the road thing of extend-extend-extend if I need it. Whereas a longer initial range that actually sounds breathable to me could always be canceled early if I get my shit together early. It's the whole "plan for the worst but hope for the best" mentality.

If it were me in Rider's position, I think that getting hopeful at the passing of each month and then let down if I need to extend—that cycle of raised and dashed hopes—would be more likely to cause resentment than knowing that I've agreed to dig in for a stretch of time, then be pleasantly surprised if it's shorter. But maybe that's just me. Maybe on Sunday I'll talk to him about both options and see what his take is on it.
 
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