Reverie
Active member
Does anyone else find it way closer to impossible to "do poly" without getting upset when you're at breaking-point-level stress in non-relationship areas of your life?
I've been feeling like I just need a break from any additional complications in my life, since I just completed a cross-country move, with that host of related changes, including going from working at home to in an office with a commute again, plus being under a TON of financial stress.
The jealousy and processing stuff is part of the poly package, I know, and it's my stuff to deal with. But I feel like everything besides my relationship is barely balancing on a wire right now, and that adding new people to my relationship is going to make that one "solid" area of my life just as wobbly as the rest of the parts, and I am just going to totally melt down or something.
I feel like the added complication of a potential new person is the straw that could break the camel's back, and therefore my sanity?
I lose a lot of my coping strength when I am stressed out, and things feel like they are overwhelming, snowballing, terrible and inescapable.
"Existing" people—known quantities—aren't bothering me at all, but they are all very far away and can visit only rarely. But the spectre of adding new people to the mix right now seems impossibly daunting.
I worry that I was all "big poly talk" when I was more emotionally stable, and I did follow through with it in actions at the time, but now that I'm juggling almost more than I can handle in other areas of my life, I am desperately craving the stability of something closer to mono, or at least to swinger-style "once in a while casual sex" outside of the relationship.
I don't have the time or money to go to therapy right now, nor sufficient energy to work through my issues on my own without going into near-meltdown mode every time the possibility of someone new appears on the horizon for my partner.
I'm exhausted. I want a break from the work. From the processing. From the uncertainty. I want to placate myself with the illusion of control and certainty in that one seemingly solid area while I get my shit together with everything else.
But at the same time, I don't want to ask my partner to deny himself pleasure on my behalf. He's excited to meet new people and engage with them. His transition into our new situation has been a lot smoother than mine has been. He works less and makes more money, thus having more expendable time and means to go have fun. Talking to new people is easier for him.
All of the options seem bad:
1. Asking to close for a time - Denies partner pleasure, perhaps breeding resentment. Makes me look wishy-washy or like a hypocrite for being able to do it for a while and getting exhausted by it.
2. Keep doing the fear/jealousy/processing/self-work cycle until I totally deplete myself (because it takes a TON of energy) - Seems unwise to ever totally deplete myself. I can feel that I'm close to the edge and that is just terrible enough.
3. Breaking up for different desires, over a likely temporary change of attitude (likely temporary because I usually enjoy poly when I am less stressed and more emotionally stable) - We just got to a new city less than four months ago, all the way across the country. Our relationship is otherwise incredibly good. The stress of all of this would likely be even greater, if it is stress that I am trying to avoid.
I'm sure there are some (many?) people on this board who can find joy and compersion in their partner's being able to go make their fun with other people when they, themselves, are too stressed and busy to be of much use. I hope I eventually discover what their secret is, because, for me, when I am stressed or sick or hormonal, or any combination of those, I totally lose the ability for compersion and instead selfishly want undivided attention, stability, and consoling.
I'm curious about what other people's experiences with situations like this has been, and if any bright forumite may have a #4 solution that I am not seeing.
I've been feeling like I just need a break from any additional complications in my life, since I just completed a cross-country move, with that host of related changes, including going from working at home to in an office with a commute again, plus being under a TON of financial stress.
The jealousy and processing stuff is part of the poly package, I know, and it's my stuff to deal with. But I feel like everything besides my relationship is barely balancing on a wire right now, and that adding new people to my relationship is going to make that one "solid" area of my life just as wobbly as the rest of the parts, and I am just going to totally melt down or something.
I feel like the added complication of a potential new person is the straw that could break the camel's back, and therefore my sanity?
I lose a lot of my coping strength when I am stressed out, and things feel like they are overwhelming, snowballing, terrible and inescapable.
"Existing" people—known quantities—aren't bothering me at all, but they are all very far away and can visit only rarely. But the spectre of adding new people to the mix right now seems impossibly daunting.
I worry that I was all "big poly talk" when I was more emotionally stable, and I did follow through with it in actions at the time, but now that I'm juggling almost more than I can handle in other areas of my life, I am desperately craving the stability of something closer to mono, or at least to swinger-style "once in a while casual sex" outside of the relationship.
I don't have the time or money to go to therapy right now, nor sufficient energy to work through my issues on my own without going into near-meltdown mode every time the possibility of someone new appears on the horizon for my partner.
I'm exhausted. I want a break from the work. From the processing. From the uncertainty. I want to placate myself with the illusion of control and certainty in that one seemingly solid area while I get my shit together with everything else.
But at the same time, I don't want to ask my partner to deny himself pleasure on my behalf. He's excited to meet new people and engage with them. His transition into our new situation has been a lot smoother than mine has been. He works less and makes more money, thus having more expendable time and means to go have fun. Talking to new people is easier for him.
All of the options seem bad:
1. Asking to close for a time - Denies partner pleasure, perhaps breeding resentment. Makes me look wishy-washy or like a hypocrite for being able to do it for a while and getting exhausted by it.
2. Keep doing the fear/jealousy/processing/self-work cycle until I totally deplete myself (because it takes a TON of energy) - Seems unwise to ever totally deplete myself. I can feel that I'm close to the edge and that is just terrible enough.
3. Breaking up for different desires, over a likely temporary change of attitude (likely temporary because I usually enjoy poly when I am less stressed and more emotionally stable) - We just got to a new city less than four months ago, all the way across the country. Our relationship is otherwise incredibly good. The stress of all of this would likely be even greater, if it is stress that I am trying to avoid.
I'm sure there are some (many?) people on this board who can find joy and compersion in their partner's being able to go make their fun with other people when they, themselves, are too stressed and busy to be of much use. I hope I eventually discover what their secret is, because, for me, when I am stressed or sick or hormonal, or any combination of those, I totally lose the ability for compersion and instead selfishly want undivided attention, stability, and consoling.
I'm curious about what other people's experiences with situations like this has been, and if any bright forumite may have a #4 solution that I am not seeing.
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