Confused on where I have a say in this.

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Giselle21

New member
My bf found out about poyamory through a female poly. I found out after talking to him when I accidentally saw a text on his phone and felt like I had no idea what was going on. so we've decided to go polyamorous. We've discussed open relationship before but didn't know where to start. We've attended group events, are setting up our guidelines, talking to people and working on scheduling since we have a family to take care of too. now my dilemma he wants so bad for me to be ok with him dating the person who he originally discussed this with. I am having an extremely hard time accepting this particular woman. Something about the secretiveness of how that particular thing started. Anyone else we do fine talking to about but this one makes us both defensive.
 
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I'm not sure what you are saying here. Could you be willing to clarify?

  • Are you saying your BF was having an emotional affair with the phone woman? And then was railroading you into poly to gloss over that cheating start? :confused:

  • Or were they just chatting? :confused:

Because if you think he was cheating, why do you agree to Open rather than say "Hang on, we gotta sort that first before doing new stuff" ?

If you do agree to poly, then the price of admission to poly with you might be him getting rid of his cheating partner. You could ask him to do that. Or you can let him go and solve the cheating mess that way. Or he can let you go, and do whatever he wants in his own life.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

If it was just chatting... as you guys set up your boundaries and agreements you could talk about how to handle feelings like jealousy/envy.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

I can't quite tell where you are at and what you have on your hands from your post.

But I hope the link help some.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Reply

I do agree with poly. I feel like It was cheating he doesn't see it that way.it was chatting and some dates that instead of him bringing up to me he his til I found out by accident. I haven't said cheating when discussing this with him. I am all for poly just not their relationship they started building without my knowledge. I want to note that this isn't normal. Never in our 7 years has he done or hidden something like this from me. I guess my thing is is it ok for me to somehow say Dont date her (I have no issues with anyone else he's talking to) since it'll affect the trust part. or should I just let him do whatever and go solo poly
 
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Giselle21 said:
... I feel like It was cheating he doesn't see it that way... I haven't said cheating when discussing this with him.
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I think you should have a frank discussion with him about how you really feel. Skirting around the word "cheating" isn't doing you or him a service. If you decide to open your relationship, you're going to have to have a lot of discussions about what your boundaries are and what you view as cheating (which might not be the same as what he views as cheating!).

What is and isn't cheating depends on the relationship rules of the people involved, and when those rules are assumed and unspoken (as they so often are with mono couples) it can be a very grey area. His definition of cheating might be intimate physical contact, and since they weren't physical he didn't cheat, where yours might be emotional intimacy, and so by your definition he did cheat. If you guys are going to be poly, you'll need to figure out what your definitions are for the future anyway.

Good luck!
 
it was chatting and some dates that instead of him bringing up to me he his (hid?) til I found out by accident.
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So... did he break the agreements or not? :confused: Before all the poly talks, were you Closed? Going steady? Exclusive?

Or was it not exclusive, but you didn't call it "poly" necessarily?

Because if his behavior broke agreements, it broke agreements. Whether or not you use the "cheating" word or not. Before you move on to new stuff (like making new poly agreements) you two could clean up the old stuff first. (like account for and reconcile broken agreements.)

Otherwise you are going to have a hard time believing in his Word, and believing that he's making new agreements he intends to keep now. Id you cannot trust him to keep his Word, then he isn't trustworthy.

If he broke agreements and dinged you? But is not owning his behavior and cleaning up his mess? I'd be leery of making new agreements with him and maybe getting dinged again. Who wants more dings than necessary? :confused:

Your consent to participate in things always belongs to YOU. You have a say in what you do.

  • You can choose to participate in in a relationship with him or not participate in relationship with him.
  • You can accept the dating offer he is presenting to you or you can decline the offer.
  • You can choose to be in the "potential ding zone" where his behavior can affect you. Or you can get you out of the zone and then whatever he does, it doesn't affect you.

If you don't feel good participating here with Phone Woman in the new poly network, speak your truth and let the chips fall where they may. If he's hell bent on going there? You don't have to go too.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Giselle21,

It sounds like you're stuck on whether your boyfriend will be poly with this woman he was contacting behind your back (an emotional affair). You can of course ask him not to continue with her, and see what happens. He may decide to go against your wishes, and then you have to decide whether you'll continue to be involved with him. :( Sucky state of affairs, but that's about how it is.

If you're asking whether it's reasonable to ask him not to see that woman anymore, I would say it is reasonable enough, it is a hard limit for you, and it sounds like he was dating her without letting you know, so, definitely an emotional affair, possibly a physical affair also.

Those are my thoughts on the matter so far.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Unless given enforced boundaries, cheaters will cheat again. He cheated, & furthermore feels righteous. QED: given new freedom, he will soon cheat again (maybe as "innocent little mistakes").

IME, he will get all weird & controlling the moment YOU indicate an interest in someone. One option he'll likely present will be to give up "this poly stuff"... though it'll be "unfair" to break things off with his gf.

If polyamory truly suits you, then I wish you well. Do NOT let him run roughshod over your feelings. Depending on your sense of fair play, though, you could warn him that it is HIS actions that will define the limits for YOUR behavior.
 
Giselle21 said:
I am having an extremely hard time accepting this particular woman. Something about the secretiveness of how that particular thing started. Anyone else we do fine talking to about but this one makes us both defensive.
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To me it sounds like he's having a crush (perhaps an emotional affair, perhaps not, who knows). It's been the impulse for him to propose poly (after you found out?).
It was not very nice from him to hide it. I agree with the others that you should tell him you consider this cheating. You can ask for specific things he can make to regain trust, before you two actually start dating someone new.
If that involves giving up the evolving crush it may be quite hard on him, but if that's a hard limit for you, be upfront. Then he has to decide.
If you don't want to put the ultimatum, you could also ask for an apology, to get to know her better, for more time with him to reconnect, or whatever helps. Hopefully he can show his effort to help you regain trust.
 
Firstly, I would be so furious and crushed if my SO withheld information, lied and cheated in this way. However, your feelings are your own. You cannot MAKE him do or gel anything. Trying to will likely only cause more problems.

Secondly, putting yourself in his shoes, do you think maybe he was just discovering his poly self? Finding that you have emotional attraction to someone other than you SO in the mono world is very hard to deal with, especially when you have a strong pull.

I would like to add, I side with you here. If it were done to me, id probably want to never hear her name again. But you have to ask yourself logically. ..is she healthy for him? Does he only receive positivity from her? What would taking her away really accomplish? Do you think it would make him sad? Torn? How should you want him to feel?

Beginning poly from mono is full of confusion and bumpy paths. If I were you, I'd give them a chance. Chalk up his secretiveness to being a confused mono. Maybe she is all bad. ..but what if she's not? Does she know about you? Dies she respect your equally valuable and important relationship with a man she's planning to pursue?
 
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