But my intense feelings really brought up some of my own needs I wasn't addressing, which is good, because I need to make some changes, and that little communication made him realize how much I need that change.
In the short term, it sounds like you eventually got what you needed here in terms of more/clearer communication. Glad that happened.
In the medium term, I think you guys could make some dates without children. PAY if you have to -- take advantage of community centers having "parent's night out" activities, make friends to swap sitting with, etc.
In the long term, I think you could work on this:
I have a really hard time seeing him sad, and when he's only sad because I talked about my feelings, I feel responsible. .because had I said nothing he'd be happy.
I could be wrong but you seem stuck in something like this kind of thinking:
1) I see him sad.
2) I believe I am responsible for his feelings and his emotional management. (core belief)
3) So I take it personally. I explain his sadness to myself by relating it to something I recently did. I recently told him about my feelings. I decide me telling him about my feelings CAUSE his sad feelings. Rather than each of us just experiencing some "meh" feelings at the same time. (Correlation is not causation)
4) I decide if I had said nothing, then he would be happy.
5) I affirm my belief that I can control his feelings -- I bring him happy or bring him sad. I control his emotional management. Win for me -- I was "right."
6) At the same time, lose for me. It stinks because I don't like seeing him sad, so to "keep" him happy I have to not express my own feelings.
I think you might end up feeling emotionally clogged up a lot if keep doing thinking behavior like that. And if you don't figure out a way for you to have and express your feelings. And let him have and express his feelings. Without all the tangled up. Could work on changing that core belief.
But in the meanwhile? Could stick to BEHAVIOR. What happened here in terms of behavior?
- You guys have agreement to check in if plans change.
- He was out way late and did not directly call or check in to update plans. He did not hold up his end of the agreement.
- You make him aware that his behavior did not meet agreement. You ask for apology and change in future behavior. Because this is not acceptable to you.
- He apologized? Will change future behavior? Seems like it.
If he's sad about all this, let him be sad. It's his feelings to process. It's part of healing from all this. Whether he's sad his behavior choices were short of the mark. Or for some other reason. It's
his stuff.
There is your stuff. There is his stuff. And the shared responsibilities can be "our stuff." Could file things in the right bucket. It cannot ALL be in the "your stuff" bucket.
(What he did in his behaviors) and (how you feel about what he did)... that's two separate conversations. Trying to have two conversations at once? Coupled with trying to do your emotional management in a situation as well as you doing his emotional management?
Too tangled up and potentially draining. I think that adds to the yuck rather than take away.
Lighten your load some. What do you think would happen if he did his emotional management?
Galagirl
