Opening up the Relationship More

[prairie]

My partner opened up our relationship a couple of weeks ago, he set the rules of more recreational sex, or 'more than friends', but no dating or relationships. I have been open to this idea and have sent him articles and such in the past, to which he typically got insecure and upset. So I was shocked when he said he was cool with me hooking up with other people. It's taken some time for it all to really settle in and for me to really believe that he's ok with me flirting with other men.

Because of his history of being cheated on by ex's, I initially felt he should be the one to set the boundaries. But I want to explore more (dating) and needed to voice my desires. I have developed a crush on a friend of mine, and thinking about it honestly, I want to date him. I have been talking to my partner about the potential of dating other people, and he is still not open to it, but he has reconnected with his ex's on good flirty terms. He doesn't foresee the desire to date other people on his part. He feels completely satisfied with our relationship.

I feel like I have this crush on my friend because he is offering things I am yearning for in my primary partnership. Things I have brought up before, but my partner has been defensive of his situation and progress has been slow.

Things are in a bit of a rut with my partner. We are living with his family as we rebuild our lives. I am starting my own business and have seen a lot of growth and accomplishment, and growing a large network of friends. He has been going to school and not meeting that many new people, and generally isn't that social.

He started talking about marriage a couple of weeks ago, after opening up the relationship, and it freaked me out at the time. We talked more calmly about it, and it feels like the wise choice. It's certainly been brought up before and we both act as though we are planning on it, but we have not discussed it together in detail. At the time it honestly didn't feel that romantic.

My partner is really an amazing guy, and I feel I would be really stupid to walk away from the relationship we've built up over 7 years.

Having been anti-marriage until 2 years ago, I am surprised with myself that I actually feel the desire to marry my friend, even though we are just getting to know each other. The energy with my friend is just like nothing else I've experienced.

So I am feeling confused. I feel like something is wrong with me, or there is some kind of problem, for crushing on my friend while experiencing wonkiness in my primary partnership.

Am I looking for a replacement?

Am I inviting drama into my life?

I really like the idea of not designating 'primary/secondary' relationships, and treating all relationships as equal, and they can range from 'more than friends' to committed life partners. Also the idea that love and romance are abundant for everyone, even if you have specific needs and wants.

I feel like the issue with my partner is that he feels he would never find a good partner aside from me, and I could find one at the drop of a hat. I am encouraging his reconnection with his ex's, perhaps he will feel the desire to date someone else...

 

[IndieSolo]

I'd bet he's proposing marriage because he thinks that will keep you "faithful." He doesn't really want you "fucking around."

These rules and how you are attempting to open just sound like a train wreck, to me. Have you ever visited morethantwo.com or read any books on poly? It seems you two have a long, long way to go before pursuing other relationships, especially since your current relationship sounds like it's in trouble.

 

[Samuel23]

Hi Prairie,

I'm new too, been living poly for about a year now. So my experience is limited as well. But it sounds really similar to my relationship, so I couldn't help but chime in.

I think it's really normal for your current partner to feel threatened by the relationship you have with your friend, especially if you feel more connected with him and you are in a rut with your current partner. My relationship with my wife ebbs and flows depending on a lot of factors, and I think that's often how these things go. But I think it's relevant to say that your relationship with your current partner may upsurge of he can show you the compassion and understanding you want. It happened with us, anyway.

If it's just a couple of weeks, this is really new, and he's probably still sorting through his feelings. I think real understanding with a partner like this, who didn't initially open the relationship might take months/years to be truly comfortable with the arrangement. I suspect his comfort level will go up and down as the dust settles.

It sounds like you are experiencing NRE with your friend, and that's really powerful. While it feels great, and really aids you getting closer to your friend, it does skew thinking, and makes you see things in a way that is not objective or realistic. It also makes you impatient. I say this because it made my wife impatient, and we rushed some things we probably could have worked through differently. Also, the living situation with your partner, and what types of interactions you have and the context in which you are seeing each other may be limiting your romantic feelings. Meanwhile you get to go out on fun dates with your friend... Could be effecting things. Nothing bad, just something to ponder, maybe.

So one of the cool things about poly is that you don't have to "replace" people. You just have different partners that you share different experiences and interactions with. But your current partner may have difficulty understanding this. I did. If you want to stay together, be patient and gentle. Also, if he is more monogamous he might not respond too well to you encouraging him finding other partners.

Don't get married until you resolve some of this. I wish we would have. I'd be frank about that with your partner. He very well might have proposed out of fear, but I think the compassionate thing to do is let him speak for himself and trust him if you can.

Lastly, I kinda feel like more partners equals more drama. I don't think there's any way around that. More people means more people's idiosyncrasies, and feelings. Some of that drama may be worth the benefit, and some aren't. I guess it's just your judgement that determines those lines.

Sorry, know that was long. Either way, high hopes for you!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello prairie,

You seem to be contemplating marrying your friend as well as your partner? or was I reading that wrong? Right now at least, legal marriage is only allowed between two (not three) people. Of course you still have handfasting and commitment ceremonies, perhaps that is in part what you mean.

To me, the rough patch you are going through with your partner doesn't feel too bad, it feels like you could tough it out and get through it. Just my perception; could change given further information.

I hope all goes well for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Having been anti-marriage until 2 years ago, I am surprised with myself that I actually feel the desire to marry my friend, even though we are just getting to know each other. The energy with my friend is just like nothing else I've experienced.

So I am feeling confused. I feel like something is wrong with me, or there is some kind of problem, for crushing on my friend while experiencing wonkiness in my primary partnership.

Why would something be wrong with you? You're experiencing what the vast majority of people experience and that is: You've found someone that you can envision marrying. It happens! It often happens while paired up with someone else and this new person's presence makes all the clearer why the previous partner fit with your anti-marriage rap. I think all of us on this message board know that poly means not having to choose, but just because you've been open to poly doesn't mean that you must find a way to be with both men. Sometimes poly people meet someone with whom they want an exclusive relationship, or meet someone who feels overwhelmingly like marriage material. Polyamory is an option, not a lifestyle commitment. You can be poly, then be mono, then perhaps open back up to poly at a later date - it's all up to you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

My partner is really an amazing guy, and I feel I would be really stupid to walk away from the relationship we've built up over 7 years.

I might be wrong, but that sounds like wonky thinking to me. You could leave the "amazing" and "stupid" evaluations out of it.

• Your partner is a guy.
• You have been together 7 years.
• You could walk away from the relationship.

Or you could stay. Which is it?

Actually assess.

(Staying) because (you spent the last 7 years here)? That is not (staying) because (this partner meets your personal standards and you want to stay. )

The previous 7 years have nothing to do with your TODAY staying-ness. Actually sit down to assess if this relationship still meets your personal standards. Don't be staying just from habit or because you are just going through the motions or something. Or because you want to avoid breaking up.

I think it would be foolish to agree to marry someone who doesn't meet your standards today JUST because they asked. Or just because you have been together for 7 years and he used to meet you personal standards then.

The relevant thing to me would be -- does he still meet them NOW? Past history does not make present harmony, or guarantee future harmony.

In other words, if the present relationship is wonky, and doesn't really meet all your standards? The solution is NOT rush to get married so you can avoid thinking things you do not want to think about. The solution is get comfortable assessing. Or assess even if it comes hard or isn't esp fun.

Figure out if the problems with the present relationship issues are fixable, if you feel like working to fix them, and if he wants to work on them with you. Or.... just let it go.

Don't make major life decisions like marriage when you are feeling wonky about things with this partner.

Having been anti-marriage until 2 years ago, I am surprised with myself that I actually feel the desire to marry my friend, even though we are just getting to know each other. The energy with my friend is just like nothing else I've experienced.

Marrying someone you just started dating and crush on? I think that would be foolishness also. Enjoy feeling twitterpated, and daydream all you want. But know NRE is not the best time to actually get married.

Marriage (to me) is serous business. I am a fan of LONG engagements. You could not leap into it because "well, we've been together this long, we may as well cuz it's just what people do. " You could not leap into it because "well, this person just gets my motor running in a new way! Surely it is destiny!"

You could approach marriage, especially since you have been anti-marriage for a long time, with more care, more thought, and more intention to make sure is a good fit for you.

Don't make major life decisions when you are feeling wonky about things. Either from the "meh" side or the "whee!" side.

So I am feeling confused. I feel like something is wrong with me, or there is some kind of problem, for crushing on my friend while experiencing wonkiness in my primary partnership.

Nothing is wrong with you. You simply are dating two people. As a result of that behavior, you have some feelings. They are what they are.

Just because you date two people concurrently doesn't mean that what happens inside those relationships is also concurrent.

It is possible for you to be doing great with X and having problems with Y. Or it could flip -- not great with Y and problems with X. Or both are great. Or both are ugh. These are separate dynamics with separate partners. They are what they are.

What matters is how you tend to your relationships and if you feel good participating here with that particular partner and if they treat you how you want to be treated. Do they meet your personal standards for what you want in a partner?

I really like the idea of not designating 'primary/secondary' relationships, and treating all relationships as equal, and they can range from 'more than friends' to committed life partners. Also the idea that love and romance are abundant for everyone, even if you have specific needs and wants.

So practice what you want to practice. Make your current partners aware that THIS is what you believe and practice and discuss how it might affect them so they can make the choice to be in your poly network from a place of informed consent. They know what to expect from you. But be sure you are honest.

If you really just want to break up with the BF of 7 years? And feel guilty or something? End it clean. Don't soft pedal it. He might be a drag with his self esteem problems, but he still deserves honesty. Love might be infinite but TIME and ENERGY are not. And giving him false hopes in dragging out -- that doesn't seem kind.

So again... figure out what it is you really want.

I feel like the issue with my partner is that he feels he would never find a good partner aside from me, and I could find one at the drop of a hat.

That is his core belief to resolve or update himself. It is not something you can fix for him.

If that's why he's proposing? To help him feel more "latched on" to you? You could firmly, but kindly DECLINE his engagement offer. That kind of marriage situation might be great for him, but it stinks for you. You may want more from your marriage than to marry someone just to help "prop him up." You don't get married just to be someone else's life raft.

That kind of thing can become a drain.

If this belief of his that he will never find a partner other than you is causing him to latch on to you in a way that feels suffocating, tell him to stop this behavior, seek some counseling and work on himself. Or end it so you can be free of this behavior if it is intolerable. Exercise strong personal boundaries.

I am encouraging his reconnection with his ex's, perhaps he will feel the desire to date someone else...

What does him dating more people will solve?

Because if the problem is him hovering around you too much? He could date other people and still hover.

Ask more directly for what it is you want to have happen. Do you know what you would like to have happen?

Galagirl