I really need some advices about my gf

GalaGirl said:
That is fine. That is your preference.

  • You want to date only her, love only her, share sex with only her.
  • You like 1 + 1 best.

You can pick what you like best. Some people like relationship models that have only 2 people. They like that best.

Just like some people like blonds, brunettes or redheads best. We all have preferences.



I see that. But that is the thing right there.

She does not feel this way.

  • She wants to date more than 1 person, share love with more than 1 person, and sometimes share sex with more than 1 person. T
  • hat is her preference.



You want something exclusive -- just you and her. 1 + 1.

She wants polyamory. NOT just you and her. She wants something NOT exclusive -- 1 + 1 + 1 (or more).

You might think a primary-secondary model will "solve it" so you find "a
common point."

But if you are only doing a poly "V" with her as the "shared GF" to get to be with her? You are not doing polyamory because (you love to do polyamory.) You are doing polyamory you don't really want just to get to be with her.


Galagirl
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That's okay.I'm grateful to say your opinions ^^
You're wrong and you're right :D Let me explain myself :

I don't know polyamory that much.I just.. how can ı say that..
I'm okay if she wants another person in her life cause i can do that too.Not because of just i want to.If you read my other messages you will see.I tried be with someone while dating with my girlfriend.I told him about it and she said this is perfectly fine.It didn't happen for several reasons.
I'm okay if she wants someone else with emotionally.If she wants to go to date or something else.
I just think that we need something different than other partners no matter what.
For example : i never watch this movie with someone else except you(i know this is a ridiculous example :D )
But we're in a romantic relationship and i want just "one" part of our relationship is different then others.
Kissing your lover in the middle of street is a different thing but kissing her in a bed with passion and love different thing.(actually i can't describe it.it ain't about lust or pleasure.just something different i believe.)
We're perfectly okay in everything except this thing.

In first talk we did she said this is fine.She can live like this.After that she said ıt wont be fair for the another person.So, basically she just thinks that that person-other partner for both of us- won't be happy ever,won't be being with her or me after i while.I can share her love and she can shares my love with someone else.I just believe that we should keep that level to just us.

Basic relationship on my logic in this situation :

if we say that
1-)romantic
2-)friendship
3-)spend time together
4-)sexual actions

Her and Me = 1-2-3-4
Me and m.o.p = 1-2-3
Her and h.o.p = 1-2-3
my other partner and her/him other partner = 1-2-3-4-5.. etc
her other partner and her/him other partner =1-2-3-4-5.. etc

basically i open everything except this one.


@GreenAcress

I understand what you try to say.I guess i just can't explain myself very well..(my english is little bit bad,sorry about that)
I don't just like somebody or stuff.
I was try to be with her too.But some stuff happened.(Not about me or my gf) And she doesn't want to be with me.
I mean i'm totally fine with that.

And i guess the only way i accept this too is if we find a common lover.Like a circle.Two persons i love.I don't mind that then.
 
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It is not the English. You explain your position quite well.

I could be wrong. But you seem to be in "bargaining stage" in the "stages of grief." Like...

You don't want to break up, but fear that it may come to that because you are not compatible. So you are trying you hardest to find a way to MAKE it compatible and avoid breaking up. Or find ways to prevent it. Because you are not ready to let go of the idea of a romance between you. Not at final acceptance yet.

We're perfectly okay in everything except this thing.
Click to expand...

Which means you are not compatible. Because this is a pretty big thing in a life. This is not a small thing like you like toothpaste A and she likes toothpaste B so you solve it by each one having their own separate toothpaste.

In first talk we did she said this is fine. She can live like this. After that she said ıt wont be fair for the another person.
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So she changed her mind and doesn't want to do that any more. She doesn't want to live like that.

Her and Me = 1-2-3-4
Me and m.o.p = 1-2-3
Her and h.o.p = 1-2-3
my other partner and her/him other partner = 1-2-3-4-5.. etc
her other partner and her/him other partner =1-2-3-4-5.. etc

basically i open everything except this one.
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I see you offer that. And if she doesn't not agree to that? If she wants

  • Her + You: 1 2 3 4
  • Her + her other partner: 1 2 3 4

Still not a match.

I wonder if she told you that already. And that's why you go on to offering a triad? :confused:

And i guess the only way i accept this too is if we find a common lover.Like a circle.Two persons i love.I don't mind that then.
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If you are this sad about a possible break up here because it is not a match? It is NOT a good time to be starting a whole new OTHER complicated thing and bring even more people into it. Then instead of 2 sad people it is 3 sad people. :(

You cannot force romance to happen between you two.

I sympathize. You must like her a lot. Accepting that it isn't a match here for romance must be very hard. I wish I could make it easier on you.

I wonder if deep down you already know that the best "common point" here is "friends?" Even if you wish it could be more?

Galagirl :(
 
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GalaGirl said:
Which means you are not compatible. Because this is a pretty big thing. Like having children or not having children. This is not like you like toothpaste A and I like toothpaste B so we solve it by each having separate toothpaste.




So she changed her mind and doesn't want to do that any more. She does not limit her love share or her sex share to only you.



I see you offer that. And she wants

  • Her + You: 1 2 3 4
  • Her + her other partner: 12 3 4

So it is still not a match.

Galagirl
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That's the point.I try to do my best in everything without upset myself or her.Poly relationship thing is a new for me but i did some research, i discuss this with you guys etc..
I change something in my life with my own will for her, for both of us.But i'm not regret or upset.Actually i'm happy about it.That's the point.We find common points slowly.She makes sacrifices i make some(about everything).Nobody is perfect match.We're happy.Just find a place to make both of us happy.I wouldn't do this till now if i don't believe something.I don't mean just love and stuff.I mean everything.If we reach this point till now i guess we can figure this out too.
Like a said just we need time i guess.
After all she hasn't anyone in her life except me and i don't have anyone in my life except her right now.
We were just talking about possibilities.
And i'm sorry but no :D We both know that we're good like this.
I mean just friendship isn't an option cause that won't be enough.I mean really. :D
I'm a honest person.If i do believe what you are saying about us (being friend) i would confess that.And i'm grateful for being honest to your opinions.But like a said we're okay as lovers.
And who knows what will happen tomorrow? I saw people(married couples and stuff in poly relationships) if even they change why wouldn't we?
I don't mean just she will change or i have to change myself or something.
Everyday i learn something new and my perspective getting bigger.Who knows what's gonna happen?

Just one last thing.I'm really grateful for your honest opinions my friend but you keep saying that " you cant force romance" and kinda stuff.
We don't.I don't know why you are keep saying that but.We don't have any problems.
We're still together without any problems.This is only subject we are disagree and we are try to talk to possibilities.
That's all.
I just come here to ask what could can we do about it?
 
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And i guess the only way i accept this too is if we find a common lover.Like a circle.Two persons i love.I don't mind that then.
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As someone who is in a triad, where three people are dating each other... all the things you are struggling with can/will happen in a triad, as well. The issue isn't that they happen, it's what you do about it when they do. Sometimes there is no solution.

A previous relationship of mine (not a poly relationship) ended due to a single point we could not agree on: I need to see my partner(s) at least once a week or so to feel like I am valued and connected to them. My partner had a lot on his plate and was unable to see me more than once, maybe twice, a month. Neither of us felt able to compromise, due to my relationship needs and his time restraints... but then, neither partner ever has an obligation to compromise. Sometimes issues are un-compromise-able. We were compatible in every other way and our relationship was lovely. However, even if the rest was wonderful, this one thing was important enough for me to be a deal breaker: if my requirements were not being met, then I could not continue in the relationship. He was unable to give me the time I needed, and we ended up going our separate ways. I am glad we were able to resolve the issue (by splitting) instead of building hurt and resentment: he is still one of my good friends.

What I am trying to say, is: sometimes, even if you are 99.98% compatible, that small 0.02% is important enough to one or both partners that the relationship is not sustainable.
 
DirtyLittleFreak said:
I mean something like that
Me and Her = 1234
Me and M.O.P = 123 (m.o.p = my other partner)
Her and H.O.P = 123 (h.o.p = her other partner)

I think this explains better. Plus i don't want to see that she shares that connection(that feels on a sexual situation) with someone else.
Basically if we say that 1-) romantic 2-)friendship 3-)spent time together 4-)sexual actions.We'll just have another connection than others.That's all.
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If all that matters is that there is one thing that is special, why can it not be:
You and her = 1234
You and M.O.P = 12(3)4
Her and H.O.P = 12(3)4

where '(3)' is only spending a little time (maybe once or twice a week) and '3' is spending a lot of time (four or five times a week)?

Or how about:
You and her = 12345
You and M.O.P = 1234
Her and H.O.P = 1234

where 5 is 'committed to sharing life together'?

There are so many other ways to organise relationships other than to put limits on activities, and there are lots of other areas in which you guys could compromise on other than 'no sex'. I agree with GreenAcres and Tinwen in that I think there is something worth investigating in your own mind about why sex is the thing that must be special and reserved only for you. I say this as someone who started out feeling a bit like you. I was actually less bothered by her having 'just sex' with someone else, but the idea of her sharing intimacy and falling in love was very hard to handle, and to me it seemed like since I only felt that way about people I had a really strong sexual connection with, that perhaps that was one way to stop her developing feelings like that. I think until you experience your partner do it - fall in love and be intimate with another - whilst at the same time SHOWING YOU that nothing has changed with how she feels about you - it will always be a big scary thing.

At the end of the day, this is about trust. You have to be able to trust that your partner feels as strongly about you as you do about her, and trust that her feelings towards others are truly independent from her feelings about you. When I fall in love with someone, I kind of lose a bit of closeness with other people in my life. I am more mono-inclined than some people on this forum, and my feelings are *not* independent. So for me, I would always worry that falling in love with someone else would make me fall a little out of love with my partner Nina. Because that's how *I* think, it was very hard for me to imagine anything else. I have learnt to accept the fact that she is different though. She can fall for other people, and still radiate love my way. She can be excited by a new person, but not lose her excitement in me. That's why I feel safe in my relationship with her, and that's why our relationship being open works well. I am also free to pursue relationships with people I am sexually attracted to. I enjoy friendship with those people, but not romance. So using your way of diagramming things, our open relationship looks like this:

Me and Nina = 12345
Nina and H.O.P = 12(3)4
Me and M.O.P = 2(3)4

I hope that helps some. It's not necessary for each person to have the 'same' set-up. It is good to respect our differences as people. However, everyone should have the same right to design the kind of relationships they want. Be careful that you are not projecting your thoughts and feelings onto her too much. Just because you identify feeling like you only want to share sexual intimacy with her as a sign of how strongly you love and are attracted to her, it doesn't mean that those things have any correlation in her mind. She can love you deeply, and not have that be connected to physical expression at all. She could possibly have amazing sex with someone else, and not love them at all. She could have no sex at all, and love someone deeply. She could have lots of sex with someone and love them deeply. I don't know her, so I'm not saying what is true for her, all I'm saying is that there doesn't need to be a correlation at all. In fact, she seems to have already told you this herself in some ways - she says sex is not that important to her. If she doesn't connect sex and intimacy that closely with love anyway, then it's pointless restricting her sexual behaviour with others in order to help keep her emotionally close to you.
 
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I don't think you are being completely honest with yourself. When my wife and I first opened up are relationship, I attempted to put all sorts of ridiculous boundaries on her dating. After awhile i realized that I was attempting to control the situation. The reason I did that was because I was insecure. My insecurity led to a sort of ownership mentality. By saying I wanted some things unique to us I was trying to possess a part of her nobody else had. I had to let go of that because it was not healthy for either one of us.

Now I think more along the lines of what Kevin said above. Every relationship is unique. I can go to the same restaurant with two different partners and each time it is a different experience. It's the same with sex. I actually didn't come to that realization until I found another partner. I imagine it's harder for someone like you who is mostly mono.

You keep talking about wanting her to change. People who want their partner to change something this significant will usually end up disappointed.
 
GalaGirl said:
You guys are going to have to figure out what other "common point" there might be that could work here then. I'm not sure what those might be.

Maybe this helps in the meanwhile?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

https://www.morethantwo.com

GL!
Galagirl
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tenK said:
If all that matters is that there is one thing that is special, why can it not be:
You and her = 1234
You and M.O.P = 12(3)4
Her and H.O.P = 12(3)4

where '(3)' is only spending a little time (maybe once or twice a week) and '3' is spending a lot of time (four or five times a week)?

Or how about:
You and her = 12345
You and M.O.P = 1234
Her and H.O.P = 1234

where 5 is 'committed to sharing life together'?

There are so many other ways to organise relationships other than to put limits on activities, and there are lots of other areas in which you guys could compromise on other than 'no sex'. I agree with GreenAcres and Tinwen in that I think there is something worth investigating in your own mind about why sex is the thing that must be special and reserved only for you. I say this as someone who started out feeling a bit like you. I was actually less bothered by her having 'just sex' with someone else, but the idea of her sharing intimacy and falling in love was very hard to handle, and to me it seemed like since I only felt that way about people I had a really strong sexual connection with, that perhaps that was one way to stop her developing feelings like that. I think until you experience your partner do it - fall in love and be intimate with another - whilst at the same time SHOWING YOU that nothing has changed with how she feels about you - it will always be a big scary thing.

At the end of the day, this is about trust. You have to be able to trust that your partner feels as strongly about you as you do about her, and trust that her feelings towards others are truly independent from her feelings about you. When I fall in love with someone, I kind of lose a bit of closeness with other people in my life. I am more mono-inclined than some people on this forum, and my feelings are *not* independent. So for me, I would always worry that falling in love with someone else would make me fall a little out of love with my partner Nina. Because that's how *I* think, it was very hard for me to imagine anything else. I have learnt to accept the fact that she is different though. She can fall for other people, and still radiate love my way. She can be excited by a new person, but not lose her excitement in me. That's why I feel safe in my relationship with her, and that's why our relationship being open works well. I am also free to pursue relationships with people I am sexually attracted to. I enjoy friendship with those people, but not romance. So using your way of diagramming things, our open relationship looks like this:

Me and Nina = 12345
Nina and H.O.P = 12(3)4
Me and M.O.P = 2(3)4

I hope that helps some. It's not necessary for each person to have the 'same' set-up. It is good to respect our differences as people. However, everyone should have the same right to design the kind of relationships they want. Be careful that you are not projecting your thoughts and feelings onto her too much. Just because you identify feeling like you only want to share sexual intimacy with her as a sign of how strongly you love and are attracted to her, it doesn't mean that those things have any correlation in her mind. She can love you deeply, and not have that be connected to physical expression at all. She could possibly have amazing sex with someone else, and not love them at all. She could have no sex at all, and love someone deeply. She could have lots of sex with someone and love them deeply. I don't know her, so I'm not saying what is true for her, all I'm saying is that there doesn't need to be a correlation at all. In fact, she seems to have already told you this herself in some ways - she says sex is not that important to her. If she doesn't connect sex and intimacy that closely with love anyway, then it's pointless restricting her sexual behaviour with others in order to help keep her emotionally close to you.
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Thanks everyone.I read all comments i'll reply soon as ı can.
tenK i don't know you you are but you're like older me :D i'm serious and i'm so happy to find you right now.
i feel the same way about romance.
I'm not a masculine guy or something.I'm just a regular teen.But when i think about that, i feel like if someone try to touch her like i do i'll crush their skulls.probably.i know sounds savage and abnormal but even this thought it makes me feel like a monster.
you got a point that spent time together thing.i agree with you definitely.that could be another option and i never think about that.
but i don't know why i still can't get over this feel.Btw i forget to tell.She said it won't be a poly relationship if we can't have sex with another persons.But i think different.Is there some rules or something?,

And i need to add this i guess:
my girlfriends(all of them)cheated on me since now in every relationship i have.
i trust her %100 yes.i can say this with my whole heart.i just feel uncomfortable
 
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FeatherFool said:
Sometimes there is no solution.
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Finding peace about this aspect of many relationships is a huge component of maturity.

Sometimes, many times, you just can't think or process your way out of a conundrum and contrary to popular advice, communication is not always the key. Finding peace within yourself, in the midst of questions, is often a much more potent and productive choice than intellectualizing and endless discussions with the other person.
 
A horrible truth about life is that love is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. However one has to learn on your own. We can tell you that but until you live through it, what we say will not make much sense to you.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Finding peace about this aspect of many relationships is a huge component of maturity.

Sometimes, many times, you just can't think or process your way out of a conundrum and contrary to popular advice, communication is not always the key. Finding peace within yourself, in the midst of questions, is often a much more potent and productive choice than intellectualizing and endless discussions with the other person.
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This, exactly.
 
LittleFreak,
you seem very bothered by this topic. I understand. But your thinking is going around in loops just now, and so are very likely to go your discussions. If you are getting exhausted, and I think you both are, you may want to take a break. You are not in a hurry, the topic can wait. You seem to understand each others standpoints, so if you can, agree that you two disagree for now, and that you will revisit this topic in x weeks or months. Meanwhile, do the thinking and soul-searching. And, have a nice time together. You may also do some positive steps to improve your relationship in other areas.

My ex was like you. He didn't want to even think of anyone else touching me. I wanted to try some kink with others, and when I fell in love with someone else, it became a real insurmountable problem. He went like "give me time, I will become ok with it eventually", but his actions hinted otherwise. As if I was dirty for getting a back rub.
We parted eventually, but what I regret most is, that we dragged out the discussions for months, hurting each other in the process and exhausting both of us beyond imagination. We should have parted earlier.
But then, I was in love, I wanted to keep ex but felt terribly under time pressure. Maybe you can make it. There is no other person in your situation to decide about. Hopefully you can both relax and allow for time and inner work to create a more detached view.

BTW I am all with Kevin and tenk who tell you that you can find other things that are specific for your relationship. It doesn't quite work like "this movie will be our special thing, so you can't watch it with anyone else", more like "Oh look, we both share the love of this movie, we can talk hours about it. This is one of the many things I feel is special about our relationship." But this would be a huge leap from where you are now. You would have to first disentangle the knot of why the mere thought of someone else touching her (and you!) gives you such a yucky feeling.
Sexual intimacy is sacred to me, but so is the freedom to expres it in a natural way. And I am (usually ;)) not bothered by the fact that my partner is intimate with someone else, I think of it as honouring the high value of intimacy. But I am not you.

We just talk today before ı come home.She said she doesn't even likes sex.She said she felt like she doesn't enjoy as much as i did.I asked her if there is something wrong with me? And she said no.This is just who i am,how i feel.
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When she says it's not about you, it may or may not be the truth. It's extremely difficult to be honest with a partner about what should be improved in sex. Especially if you are very young and trying to build a committed relationship. It's also extremely unlikely she knows all of her sex preferences already.
The good news is, it doesn't really matter, if you are doing things "right" or "wrong" at this point, because there is always room to grow. Intimate life can be improved tremendously if both want to put in the time and effort.

and she also said i shouldn't worry about it cause she had no sexual feelings.
i said to her if she doesn't want to have sex with me i'm okay with that(of course i wanna touch her but i won't be disrespectful to her).after a while she said she is confused cause she doesn't even know herself but we can do it.she said she feels that physical effect during intercourse but she said she doesn't effect as much i do and she makes some jokes about her libido.we talk about it and she decides to see a doctor about it.
i have also another question for ladies, what can i do to make my partner happy in bed? i don't mean just intercourse.i feel happy when she is satisfied emotionally and physically.i really want to touch her cause i love her so much.but i want to make her enjoy about it too.
Thanks
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Let her guide you. For a lot of women, especially young, vaginal stimulation/intercourse is not the number one. Listen to her and be willing to experiment with her. You can be very gentle, so she can relax. Watch her feedback and listen to what she tells you.
Also, educate yourself. Read a book, visit a talk or a workshop together. There are plenty of resources better then an internet forum.

(OT: why the hack do you choose a nickname which describe you as "dirty"? I don't get it.)
 
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Tinwen said:
LittleFreak,
you seem very bothered by this topic. I understand. But your thinking is going around in loops just now, and so are very likely to go your discussions. If you are getting exhausted, and I think you both are, you may want to take a break. You are not in a hurry, the topic can wait. You seem to understand each others standpoints, so if you can, agree that you two disagree for now, and that you will revisit this topic in x weeks or months. Meanwhile, do the thinking and soul-searching. And, have a nice time together. You may also do some positive steps to improve your relationship in other areas.

My ex was like you. He didn't want to even think of anyone else touching me. I wanted to try some kink with others, and when I fell in love with someone else, it became a real insurmountable problem. He went like "give me time, I will become ok with it eventually", but his actions hinted otherwise. As if I was dirty for getting a back rub.
We parted eventually, but what I regret most is, that we dragged out the discussions for months, hurting each other in the process and exhausting both of us beyond imagination. We should have parted earlier.
But then, I was in love, I wanted to keep ex but felt terribly under time pressure. Maybe you can make it. There is no other person in your situation to decide about. Hopefully you can both relax and allow for time and inner work to create a more detached view.

BTW I am all with Kevin and tenk who tell you that you can find other things that are specific for your relationship. It doesn't quite work like "this movie will be our special thing, so you can't watch it with anyone else", more like "Oh look, we both share the love of this movie, we can talk hours about it. This is one of the many things I feel is special about our relationship." But this would be a huge leap from where you are now. You would have to first disentangle the knot of why the mere thought of someone else touching her (and you!) gives you such a yucky feeling.
Sexual intimacy is sacred to me, but so is the freedom to expres it in a natural way. And I am (usually ;)) not bothered by the fact that my partner is intimate with someone else, I think of it as honouring the high value of intimacy. But I am not you.


When she says it's not about you, it may or may not be the truth. It's extremely difficult to be honest with a partner about what should be improved in sex. Especially if you are very young and trying to build a committed relationship. It's also extremely unlikely she knows all of her sex preferences already.
The good news is, it doesn't really matter, if you are doing things "right" or "wrong" at this point, because there is always room to grow. Intimate life can be improved tremendously if both want to put in the time and effort.


Let her guide you. For a lot of women, especially young, vaginal stimulation/intercourse is not the number one. Listen to her and be willing to experiment with her. You can be very gentle, so she can relax. Watch her feedback and listen to what she tells you.
Also, educate yourself. Read a book, visit a talk or a workshop together. There are plenty of resources better then an internet forum.

(OT: why the hack do you choose a nickname which describe you as "dirty"? I don't get it.)
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I guess i get it. We actually stop talking about this topic.Just cause we don't find any common point about this.Of course it doesn't mean we'll never talk about this anymore.Everything is fine right now and we don't have another partners in our life now.
About other thing thank you.I try to do my best and i'll try to do my best.I guess i have nothing to say about it.I'll try it what you said cause sounds reasonable and good.Thank you:)
 
So, you both agree to be completely monogamous? or, you'll talk about it some other time if you have to? or ...?
 
DirtyLittleFreak said:
We just decide that we're going to talk about this later.
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I didn't emphasize it, but I recomend setting a timeframe, ok? Like, "let's take a break, but talk again in 6 weeks". So you don't put it off indefinitelly.
It's supposed to help with the stress, but not "forget the topic until it explodes".
If you're views don't shift in the slightest, you will still have to find an action plan. But hopefully with a calm head. Go ahead with reading and asking here if you want to, hopefully we can be of help :)
 
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Re (from DirtyLittleFreak):
"We just decide that we're going to talk about this later."
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Okay, thanks for clarifying that.

Sounds like you are maybe feeling burned out on it at the moment. That's very human, we all have times when we need a rest from something.
 
DirtyLittleFreak said:
Can someone explain me what is the difference between open relationship and poly relationship?
I'm really confused.
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Poly relationships are open relationships but not all open relationships are poly. Poly relationships involve the possibility of romantic component to the relationship. Swinging, fwb, fuck buddies, one night stands while in a relationship and all parties being aware, dadt, also fall under the open relationship banner but are not poly since they often do not involve falling in love or romance.
 
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