The story of Spork.

[Spork]

I'm scared. Scared, scared, scared.

It's money, you see...

My vehicle is having issues. I don't have a car payment. I do have many other debts. My credit would be sparkling beautiful if I could pay off my debts. What if my van stops working? I can't afford repairs right now. What if I lose my job? I barely make enough to survive, and I can't get another job anywhere that pays me what I make here, unless I finish my accounting degree. But I don't have time to devote to schooling, with all of the other obligations I have right now. Also the notion of driving up more student loans, and dumping more time into the accounting field in general, makes me feel sick. I do, one day, want to be some sort of Maker. An artist, a creator of sculptural furniture (sculptural BDSM furniture? Likely that, too!) But I'm scared of the risk right now because I have a 14 year old who depends on my income for survival and because what would we do for health insurance???

I have 3.5 years until Q is 18. And he'll still be in high school for approximately the next 4 years from now. So if I put in another 2 years getting my degree, which would mean sacrificing my relationships, because no way could I find time to see everyone and keep those connections healthy, then I'd be doing it for just maybe a few years of safety in accounting income at or above where I'm at now.

I don't know if I can keep the job I've got going for 4 more years or not.

And if I'm ever going to do art for any sort of a living, I have to work harder at it now. Time is not my only problem there...I realized something yesterday. I have been screwing myself!! No, not in the fun way either. I had tied my art mojo up with my sense of obligation to others so severely that it was crippling me. I tried to make some art for Zen for the holidays. Well, I just couldn't get my head in the game and I failed to make it work out. That is a frustrating experience. I have had a dozen art ideas come and go since then, and I have not lifted a single finger to start any of them...why?...because I was telling myself that there was a strict order to my art obligations that had to be observed: First Zen's piece, then one for Fire and Hefe, then a couple of custom frames for prints that need to go to the GWAR Bar, then another GWAR inspired piece for one of the bandmembers, etc etc. And I cannot "waste" (HA!) my art time or art energy doing projects for myself that are not on the list.

But the idea of trying again with the piece that frustrated me was discouraging, so I let it logjam the whole thing.

And so when I DID have, when I DO have time, which actually does happen on occasion...I did nothing. NOTHING. You know what's worse than having your muse give you the finger when trying to accomplish a specific piece? Being an idiot and letting that cause you to do no creative work at ALL. Ugh. OK, so having realized that, the next time I have the opportunity and the energy is flowing, I'm gonna just make something cool. Nevermind who it's for or what it is.

Maybe, if I'm lucky, I can make some stuff that someone might want to buy, and then I can put that money into my debts, and maybe get to a point where I don't live in abject terror of my finances.

Old Wolf got paid today and I needed to pop in and manage some stuff. Transfer a couple of payments out of his account (which is still "our" joint account) to pay for things I still manage for him. We are transitioning his bills into his administration slowly. But his pay was short a day and a half, because I guess he was sick and he didn't have the paid time off to cover it, and so he's struggling, too.

I knew that together, with him working and the money we already had coming in at the time before I moved out, we had the means to afford life in one household comfortably like that. Parting ways into two households would mean that both of us were going to struggle. I knew this. And I'm frustrated because I feel that I was flighty and stupid and impractical to reach for what I WANTED when I knew we didn't have the money. As happy as I am to have experienced all of this growth and awesome stuff in life, and everything...and as much as I used to fantasize daily about having my own space as I now do...I sometimes think that if I could roll back time, I'd erase everything that led to the breakup and just keep on coping with him until the kids were grown like I'd planned to do.

It's probably best that this is not an option.

Still. I am scared.

 

[Spork]

So Analyst and Fire are conspiring to "Dom me into quitting smoking." I was thinking well...I'm not sure how you're gonna do that. I mean, what, are you gonna punish me? Oh, no...a spanking...(says the masochist)...

Actually, Analyst knows me pretty well and he did find a way to get through to me and at the same time help me on another front that was stressing me out. I have struggled with doing more than just cutting back my smoking habit. Now I feel well...nudged, properly, to do so. Long story short he did something really good for me and hit my "obligation button" pretty squarely. And I think that might be exactly what I needed. I was already feeling bad because he was smoking (and he'd pretty much quit, before me.) So here we are. I'm gonna give it a real effort now. I am hopeful.

Had a good night with Zen on Friday and a good relaxing evening and overnight with Analyst last night. Today I went and got together with the Hypno-kink folks at a favorite bar/restaurant (where they have SIX DIFFERENT KINDS OF BACON. No joke. I love that place.) I have good friends among them, so it was quite nice. I'm not sure how enthused I am about erotic hypnosis in general, but I am a big fan of the awesome woman who runs the groups, so I go and we'll see if any neat experiences come of it. If nothing else, it is good times with good people.

Since she is a performing musician who likes to be promoted, I'll share her real name and a couple vids:

Reecy Pontiff - Dirty Doctor Who Song (kinda NSFW lyrics)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjwusLVfIp4

But THIS HERE...is probably my favorite of the vids I've seen them/her do so far. There is just something about this song, and the echo-ey acoustics since they were performing it on the street... This is her, and the man she's been seeing, a delightful guy from Liverpool.

"Roll the Old Chariots Along" (safe for anywhere, and beautiful)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKqWY_Nq688

She's a damn fine example of the kind of people I like to spend my time with.

In other news, icesong I'm dying to know what you thought of M4MB.
....................

So I'm totally saturated when it comes to relationships. I worry about giving the ones I've got enough of ME. Not trying to relationship up with anyone else.

Buuttt...... I still have a hard time with new interests, loving to flirt, and the intrigue of "should I maybe have a taste of that?" There are a few people who have a definite...maybe...in the future of my sex life, even if it's as a FB or FWB kind of occasional thing.

The Worm King. Yeah, I know. I FUCKING KNOW ALRIGHT. The guy really bent my head and heart out of wonk last year, and I got to a point where thinking of him and wanting him (as I have not stopped doing, though I haven't seen him since SEPTEMBER) made me mad at myself. And guess who got in touch a couple of nights ago after Zen went home? Yep. *sigh* I have learned a new trick or two since last we hit the sheets and I have known all along that if he did invite me back for a visit, I'd have a very hard time saying no. Scratch that. I'd be unlikely to say no. Even if I sometimes think it would be the wise answer. Well ya can't always be wise, if ya want to have a good time. He's still just as weird and reclusive and everything as always, but I might (having stowed some of the baggage now that I was coping with then) be able to do something as casual and rare as he needs it to be, without going nuts about it now. Might be able to play it a little more cool. Might at least be willing to try. But he said that he misses me and wants to get together soon...but he's said that before and completely flaked and gone silent on me and been utterly unavailable. There is just no telling with him. I'll wait and see, I guess.

Then there's a certain singer of a certain band I can name no names on that score. We played a bit once. But I do also have ethical issues with him. He's got a girlfriend. He loves her and he's terrified of hurting her, and he's basically cheating on her once in a great while when he's on tour. I do NOT like being that person or that kind of secret. I'm not the only one, but still. I'm not comfortable with it. I encouraged him to be honest with her about what he needs and the areas he's not feeling fulfilled in, and if he's going to mess with other girls...don't hide it. I doubt however that he has had that conversation with her. I REALLY doubt it. He's a special man, he's brilliant and talented and funny and I really dig him. But I might have to step up and walk the talk on my ethics where he's concerned. Fortunately it's not a decision I have to examine very often. Between tours we rarely talk.

Then there is a very sexy male up in Denver, a Dom who is poly, in open relationships with a couple of other ladies of one degree or another (I've met one of them.) He's warmed up the flirting again after kind of blowing me off last year while he was "dealing with some stuff" (head stuff, he's a formerly mono man adapting to living polyamorously because a woman in his life wanted to...but he says he's sorted it now.) He's tall and smart. Plays guitar. Works in TV and film, and a total gearhead. Perfect age range (my opinion - late 40's is delicious.) I won't see him often. We talked about getting together before Pyro class sometimes.

And speaking of Pyro class. The man who runs that has been flirting it up with me. I am very unsure of him. Our life situations are not aligned well as far as the age and life circumstance set I've been trying to connect with. He's my age and has kids. He's also got a life that is every bit as busy and full as mine. So. No relationship potential. I don't know if I'm interested in just hooking up with him for the fun of it, or not. That seems to be something he is interested in. Meanwhile I'm just enjoying having him as a very flirty friend. He's funny.

So, lots to think about. But now I'm off to watch the new Game of Thrones.

 

[icesong]

March Fourth was awesome! Opening band was a bit meh (Tea Cup Gin, they're local I think and do this sort of jazz/torch singer gig but the sound mix was off so the singer was *really* flat). But once the main band came up they were awesome - they had all switched up their costumes because NC, everyone hit up a thrift store and cross-dressed for the day. So that was entertaining. And stilt guy! Damn! I don't even KNOW how he does that!

(Can I be the voice of reason? DON'T GO THERE on Worm King. And I say this as someone who is just as f'd up in some ways about an ex - in fact HipsterBoy was at the other half of the venue (there are two sides, the "show" area and a "bar" area that's open regardless of whether there's a show or not) - saw him walking in and was afraid he'd be at the actual show, and it took me half the evening to get my head back to where I was and who I was with (AnotherArtist) just from a brief glance in passing.)

 

[Spork]

March Fourth was awesome! Opening band was a bit meh (Tea Cup Gin, they're local I think and do this sort of jazz/torch singer gig but the sound mix was off so the singer was *really* flat). But once the main band came up they were awesome - they had all switched up their costumes because NC, everyone hit up a thrift store and cross-dressed for the day. So that was entertaining. And stilt guy! Damn! I don't even KNOW how he does that!

(Can I be the voice of reason? DON'T GO THERE on Worm King. And I say this as someone who is just as f'd up in some ways about an ex - in fact HipsterBoy was at the other half of the venue (there are two sides, the "show" area and a "bar" area that's open regardless of whether there's a show or not) - saw him walking in and was afraid he'd be at the actual show, and it took me half the evening to get my head back to where I was and who I was with (AnotherArtist) just from a brief glance in passing.)

Yay! Glad you enjoyed them. For what it's worth, if you feel like having a few of their tunes to jazz up your airspace, they do have their songs on Amazon for like a buck apiece. I like the songs Dynomite, Pilot Erect, and Crackhaus enough to rock them in my car pretty often. I am not remotely surprised about the cross dressing, either.

I'm often very thankful that I've been able to live so many places in the US. I think that people often get a fallacy of thinking, that what they believe and what most in their region and social circles believe, is what most of America believes. It's how you get people like me wondering how on earth Trump has support... But having lived in as near the South as Virginia, in the Midwest, and in the Western states, I really know it's like different worlds. M4MB are like ambassadors of Pacific Northwest urban art/music culture. There is a LOT of that flavor of stuff up there. Honestly, perhaps a bit too much for my comfort if it came to choosing a permanent home. To me, that kind of explosive fun craziness is fun to visit, but I need a little more calm to live in. I love Colorado Springs for having a better balance of peace & quiet to OMG-CRAZY-PARTY! Keep me from getting bored/restless, or utterly exhausted.

My life is however still a lot more explosively colorful, exciting and busy, than that of most people I know. I'm happy with that though.

OK so the Worm King. I have to say that dwelling on that and thinking about that has let me crunch a lot of logic about what I want, how I want to operate in relationships, how I tick and what is fair to expect from others. Sometimes the uncomfortable experiences are the ones that teach us the most. I am no closer to having a clear idea of who he really is and what he's really about, than I ever was really...but I'm more comfortable with those uncertainties than I used to be. I can shrug them off. I know damn well that if I do go there, and I still don't even know if I'll be given that opportunity...but if I do...I might feel whatever I feel, but I get to own that and its potential consequences to me and I do not get to project any expectations upon this man. Seems right now with ALL of my flirty, "maybe-maybe-not" guys right now it comes down to one question: Can I have some casual sex play and do I want to? Can I keep my feelings in check so that I don't get obsessive or wonky-headed about any of these guys?

The others are really similar to the level of "what I could have or do" as the Worm King. It's just with WK I didn't know that at first and I got really excited about there being more relationship potential than what actually existed...with these others, I know how limited things are. There are the three others, and two are not local to me and one is life and relationship saturated as I am, and already told me he's wanting maybe a one time thing.

OK I'm gonna do nicknames now..

The singer is Big Daddy. Way too easy.

The new-to-poly guy in Denver I shall call Dom Sabre. He does love his swords and blades, and is long and lean, elegant and sexy like a blade.

The guy who runs the fire workshop...jeez... that's tough, I can think of so many fun things to call him. Incorrigible Flirt-Man, Deviant SlutLord of Cthulhu and Mad Scientist Extraordinaire. Kilt wearing, fire spinning, elf topping snark fiend. Umm... Ha, I shall borrow a word he used and call him Supernova.

EDIT: Supernova would like for me to make the following correction: He is a Mad Engineer, not a Mad Scientist. (We apologize for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.)

There. Nicknames for all!

So basically the potential for any of them is just a very fleeting, occasional playmate and I just don't know how much of that I am down for. Against my better judgment, the exception is the Worm King, because I KNOW how good he is in bed and I KNOW what a wonderful experience I'd be in for with him and I'd pop back in for a bit of that in a heartbeat...the challenge would just be keeping my feelings out of it. I like to hope I could, knowing better what happened before and how the terms of that have to be.

......

Old Wolf wanted me to come hang out with him this weekend. He was lonely and called up his friends and no one was free. I wasn't either. I had plans and I was not willing to cancel them because he had a need for company. He is now upset about this and demanding that I "evaluate our friendship and what I expect to get out of it." Manipulating jerk...he basically wants me to tell him what I might need of him so that he can look forward to chances to say, "You weren't there when I needed you, so NYAH!" Psh. I don't need or expect much from him, besides holding up certain agreements to co-parent (which he barely does) and contribute to the repayment of our debts (which he has reluctantly agreed to shoulder a minimal percentage of.) I had to finally, fed up with being kept on the phone for the last hour, when I was supposed to be at work, tell him that given the chance to keep plans with people who make me HAPPY, or break those obligations to come spend time with someone who DOES NOT make me happy...it's not a hard choice to make, sorry! If I actually got something good out of sharing time with him, our relationship might have been better and maybe we wouldn't have broken up! Bottom line is that he had more needs of me that I fulfilled, than I had needs of him that he fulfilled, and he is all bent out of shape that I didn't need and want him (make him feel needed and wanted)...but he drained my energy and made me stressed and unhappy. When I needed support or maintenance emotionally, he wasn't there for me, even when he was my husband.

You know, I like people, generally quite a lot. I get on with just about everybody, and I don't like to hold negative opinions of others. But at this point...as much as I wanted to try and keep some kind of amicable sort of a friendship with him, I've got to admit it's mostly a desire to avoid conflict. I have to acknowledge that I want us to meet our obligations to our kids and our finances, from the life that we both helped create, and not fight, but beyond that...friendship might be hoping for too much.

 

[Spork]

Also recently was talking to Analyst about a poly couple that I know. They have had some drama, I think one of them is more poly than the other, and the mono-ish one is just trying to make partner happy to keep partner in their life. We've seen it here plenty of times, the struggles when people just aren't really on the same page and one of them is making compromises that hurt them to try and placate the other...

He said something to the effect that that doesn't sound like good poly.

I shook my head and said, "Bad poly. No cracker."

That is now a phrase, a thing, that we will be using and saying.

 

[Spork]

HEY ICESONG!

Look, there is a cool article about what you got to see!

http://liveforlivemusic.com/news/ba...ming-in-drag-in-north-carolina-photos-vidoes/

I love those guys...this is SUCH a better way to make a statement, than cancelling NC shows.



.....

Things have been quiet in the polycule.

.....

Old Wolf is still a pain. All day yesterday he was acting bent out of shape because I didn't come hang out with him over the weekend. Demanding to know what he could count on and expect from our friendship, and insisting to know what our friendship meant to me, and driving hard at the notion that it had to be "fair" and I could not expect anything from him that he could not expect from me. Telling him that I think it's unreasonable for him to expect my time to belong to him on demand, whenever he called, even if I've got other plans, led him to go on about how everyone is more important to me than him, even a convenience store clerk would be, and he's just garbage on the floor and on and on. And that I had better not expect him to ever be there for me when I needed him, because he might have plans!! What he will not accept is that I operate this way with everyone. The only people who get definitive, "drop everything" priority are my kids, if they need it. Not even always when they want it. If I have plans with my friends and a lover asks me to cancel and spend time with them instead...if I'm obligated to the prior plan, I tell them I'm sorry but I can't. I do my best to keep my promises to people. The good part is that if I do obligate myself, I'm pretty reliable. Same for Old Wolf, if I'd agreed to spend time with him, I'd have done so, even if I'd rather be elsewhere. But expecting to have that control over my time like he did when I was his wife, is ridiculous. To him, this is his friends demonstrating that he has no value. To me, this is him demanding too much of people and then throwing a tantrum when they don't comply. I spent the whole day arguing via text and phone call with him. It was frustrating. As usual. No wonder to me that he can't keep anyone close in his life.

.....

No word from the Worm King who "wants to see me soon" about when "soon" might wind up being. I'm cool with it. I let him know a rough idea of my availability and left that ball in his court. If he wants to drop it, hey, no big thing, especially since I'm never really sure if fooling around with him is a good idea or not.

I am DEFINITELY, if I go see him, letting my polycule know and establishing a safe call. I really like the guy, and the fact that he's a total weirdo is one of the reasons that I like him so much...but I do not need to be completely foolish. I don't think he would actually harm me. There were times I questioned that, but I was upset and frantic because he was my only escape from the crap I was living in back then (July-ish of last year) and the fact remains he's probably the only person I know who is so mysterious to me. I'm a gifted "people reader." I have friends who bring new love interests to meet me just to get my read on them, because I am very accurate very quickly pretty much always. I cannot read this man, I never could.

So...

He's a sadist who is semi-scared of his sadism....but kind of likes to play with it, too.

He throws around deliberate red-flaggy stuff like telling women before even meeting them, that "maybe take a walk down a dark and isolated path with me" and about rape fantasies and whatever. That stuff is so common in the kink community it's not even funny. I'm not afraid of any of that stuff, with him. I tried to tell him that these ideas aren't really that awful, if handled appropriately. There is "consensual non-consent" play. That I really felt that he could gain a lot of clarity and comfort with himself if he'd come into the community and talk to others.

He did not want to do that.

He has informed me that he is an EXTREME introvert. That this is why he can't see me very often, that this is why he doesn't want to come out and meet any of my social groups. And yet he used to be the front man for a reasonably popular local band (for like 22 years, before they broke up) and I can easily tell from how he interacts with others on Facebook that he's got quite a few friends who have far more access to his time and attention than I do. Most of them are female.

EDIT: I didn't, and don't, stalk his FB page with the attitude of "who's she and what is she to you" and so forth. Jealousy stuff like that. No. I wanted to know an answers to the questions: "Is it him, or is it me? Does he treat people this way, or just treat me this way? What is his history that has made him act so strangely?" I have wanted insights to understand him. And I have felt a hurt and generalized jealousy of ~everything in general~ in his life when he pushed me out of it... This has helped me learn that in relationships, I don't need a man to be mine alone, but I do need to get some of his time...I'm good at sharing if I get some consideration...and I prefer to have some idea of what my partners may be doing with other partners. They don't have to share details (though I'm fine with it if they want to) but for instance, just knowing that Fire has other partners and is inclined to maybe play and pick up new partners occasionally, if she wants, is enough. I want to have some idea what's going on, even a vague one. I do not like feeling shut out.

I told him I did not under any circumstances request, require or want to ask for exlusivity or commitment from him...he has refused to tell me if he has other partners, or anything about that, at ALL.

On OKC he has said he was looking for love. But what he seems to want from me is casual sex. He's very active there.

He lives alone in a beautiful subdivided old Victorian house (apartment) that is owned by his family. Verified fact, his family owns several properties in town. He manages this one. He loves gardening and has a nice garden in the back, and he's got a worm farm in the basement, and he keeps a mannequin in the middle of his living room. He calls her (the mannequin) by name and says he loves her. He also has cats. He does watch a lot of shows, and plays some computer games, and mostly works from home, in graphic design and advertising. He's in his late 40's, which is, again, my idea of the perfect age for a man.

I always got the sense that he deliberately did some of the weird things he does to keep women like me at arm's length emotionally. Like he wants to draw me in once in a while, or know that I'm still available to him, but still keep me away, keep me from making any claims, keep me from getting too attached. I feel that the things that would usually scare people off, are constructed pretty deliberately for this purpose. I do know that there are a few things that trigger him, and make him kind of freak out...I've seen it a couple of times. Once when I accidentally pushed a trigger button for him, he played a song called "Breezeblocks" by Alt-J, which led me to wonder if he'd been thinking of killing me that night. I do like the song, though.

I also think that his kink might not be direct sadism in the sense of causing pain, but having women be scared of him. A feeling...he is scared of his own ideas and impulses, wants to experience the fear of a "victim" (woman)...but doesn't actually want to BE a monster or a criminal? Maybe. I don't know, see, this is what I do when I think about him. I speculate. Because I can't figure him out. I've told myself to stop that, and it still creeps back in. I'm way too analytical...but that is ME, not HIM. None of these "maybe's" are real unless he confirms them, and he does not generally do so. And I think he resents my tendency to attempt to psychoanalyze him.

Another fact: He resists talking about himself much. He deftly controls the flow of conversation so that we're always talking about me. He is REALLY good at that.

Oh yeah...he's a top tier amazing lover, too. Or just my idea of it. He beautifully blends just enough of every possible aspect of sex that I enjoy, whereas the others I have now tend to take one element and max it out, individually. Like I have two natural sensualists, a genius kinkster who is a bit Domly, and a sadist...Worm King is all of those things in his nature and style. All in balance, none to extreme. And his taste in music is very interesting, there are a number of songs I can't hear without thinking of him now. His smile, his eyes and his voice make me all warm and fluttery. So that's why I have such a hard time letting this go...and even during the times when I said to myself "You definitely need to forget about this guy"...I couldn't. I've thought of him almost every day, when I wanted to fill up my life with others and put him out of my mind. He made me feel like an addict. Something deeper just keeps saying, "This ain't over. This is not done yet." I wonder if I will always feel like that unless I get some kind of definitive end-point, a closure or something.

??

So that's the Worm King. And now I might get to see if I can play it cool with him. And oddly, I actually think that I can, even though nothing I read, that I just said, in the above paragraphs, really points in that direction. So damn weird.

But ultimately, I think right now I am craving a sexual adventure rather badly, and I'm not quite getting what I need with the people I'm relationship-ing with, and I'd rather revisit one I've already had sex with than add another to the list. I think that's the baseline of what I'm feeling lately. All of that jibba-jabba up there, that's mostly background.

Before Friday night, 5/13, I had not heard from him since about November (in texts) and I had not seen him since mid-September.

 

[icesong]

It *was* an awesome show.

(And for what it's worth? I totally get why what you describe of WK is appealing. )

 

[Spork]

More van repairs underway.

I'm at the point where the damn thing is eating money. We had brake work, suspension work, now oil and radiator leaks...

Problem is, as much as she is costing me, I can do these things OCCASIONALLY but I cannot afford a car payment EVERY MONTH. Can't do. And my van, my darling 14 year old minivan, covered with GWAR stickers that I can never find or replace, and worth more to me than to anyone ever...she is paid off and I love her. I don't want another vehicle.

Do. Not. Want.

It's like...borrow a grand here and a grand there, or let Analyst help me out (which he has, darling sweet caring lover that he is) sometimes...or take out a loan for like $10K or so (if I'm lucky) and get a vehicle that may, or may not, have problems to deal with...and I'll have to learn the sounds, feel, basic diagnostic sense on a new vehicle, and hope it doesn't wind up ALSO eating money, never a guarantee...and I won't love it as I do my baby...

So trading in seems like a losing proposition to me.

You know what I should do, really? lol... As I'm talking about wanting maybe a little more sex-capades in life anyhow, I need to find me a horny mechanic. I mean it's the labor costs that hit the hardest right? The parts aren't usually that much...

(I'm kidding. I am not that much of a whore.)

But...

I really DO love my van...

*sigh*

 

[JaneQSmythe]

You know what I should do, really? lol... As I'm talking about wanting maybe a little more sex-capades in life anyhow, I need to find me a horny mechanic. I mean it's the labor costs that hit the hardest right? The parts aren't usually that much...

(I'm kidding. I am not that much of a whore.)

But...

I really DO love my van...

*sigh*

Haha! Actually, this worked out fine for me! Dude is an all-around "jack-of-all-trades" - including (horny) mechanic! (When we are talking car stuff, I call him "my Wrench".)

 

[Spork]

Haha! Actually, this worked out fine for me! Dude is an all-around "jack-of-all-trades" - including (horny) mechanic! (When we are talking car stuff, I call him "my Wrench".)

Hmmm....dreamy.

Lots of thoughts percolating this morning, among other things...

I really, REALLY wish that I did not have to be at work right now. I'm feeling creative, and it would be a good day to do art. I'm trying to preserve my days off for other purposes or I'd just take off and leave early.

I've been trying to quit smoking, I'm gradually replacing my cigs with vape. Problem I seem to be having is that my e-cig thingie gives me gas, I somehow manage to swallow air (vapor?) in the process, I don't know how I'm doing that or what I'm doing differently or wrong, but there is just more airs in my belly today. The whole burp/fart thing I can control more or less, but I'm sitting here with bubbles moving around in the pipes and it sounds like I've got GIR from Invader Zim trapped in my stomach, singing. Lots of weird little high pitched noises coming from my midsection. None of my coworkers seem to have noticed...yet.

.....

I want to talk about this whole bathroom debate going on right now. It keeps coming up on my Facebook. I have friends who say "You're a jerk, think of the trans people!" I have friends who say, "Think of our daughters!" And I have friends who say "This is just a smokescreen to cover up nefarious government secret legislative shenanigans!" and also, "Who cares??"

Well. I think the matter DOES deserve some attention. Why? Well, when I was a minor, sub-adult, American public school student, it just was not "a thing." I mean...no one thought about it or talked about it or was trying to do it. Transitioning gender or being a different gender from what you were born with just was not on our radar as a possibility. We might have been vaguely aware that some "weird" adults did such things...but no one at the high school level was really trying to. I went to a very liberal Northern Virginia (DC suburbs) school and had ONE classmate who was a masculine female punk rocker...just basically kind of butchy and tough as a matter of style, bordering on androgynous. Everyone simply knew she was female and female pronouns were used and she didn't care or make a thing of it.

"The way it is." Is changing.

And when this kind of thing happens, people are asking themselves and each other how to be decent to their fellow humans while not having to deal with turning their lives upside down in the process. Even if your intentions really are the best and most caring...it can be a challenge and a process. I respect that fact.

Of course there are those who are just reactionary, jerky, and/or stupid about it, but I don't want to talk about them just now. Maybe in a minute.

So what do I personally think is the solution?

Well, in the greater world at large, people is people and trans people have been getting by using whatever bathroom makes the most sense to them in general. I think they've got a good idea of where they live on the transition spectrum. A very closeted "I might transition one day when I feel safe, I've always felt like a girl trapped in a boy's body, but for now I still live as a male because of my circumstances" sort of person is not likely to cruise into the ladies' room. And frankly, the issue most (STRAIGHT WHITE MEN) I see are arguing is that their wives and daughters are delicate little flowers who need their sacred safe spaces guarded against OTHER MEN LIKE THEM...but no, not them, clearly OTHER men. How do they know? "I am one." Wait what?

Let's review that logic just a moment...

You have no idea how pervy, predatory and dangerous men are.
You need to be protected by laws, in instances where you might be vulnerable.
I mean...I'm not. But men are. Other men who aren't me.
How do I know what other men are thinking?
I am one.

Read it as many times as you need to. I have had this argument from numerous men I know. This is the basic equivalent of them saying that they consider raping someone to be the basic equivalent of stealing a cookie from a cookie jar. It's pretty much ok if you're not going to get caught and there won't be consequences. The only thing stopping them and all men is threat of punishment, whether from the men who protect the cookies, or from "da law."

Wow.

In fact, right now this minute in the general world we live in, there are LOTS of public restrooms where no one is policing them. Where a naughty naughty man could get in and wreak perverted havoc and no one would catch him. In fact actually, most of the time when women ARE sexually assaulted in some way in life, and the vast majority is by people we know, not strangers in bathrooms or anywhere else...there are usually minimal, or more likely NO consequences to our attackers and violators. And most women go through life knowing this. So this is kind of a joke to me. You really think, that the present day lack of laws to address transexuals in bathrooms, do anything to keep women safe in public bathrooms? That's ridiculous!

Guess what guys? Your wives, your mother, and your daughters are not safe. We never have been.

And we know it. We live with a subtle and usually silent background program running in our brains asking the same question perpetually, "Am I safe?"

In bathrooms. In stores. In schools. On the street. At home. On dates. At work. In the car. At the gas station. EVERYWHERE AT ALL TIMES.

Because we know that if we have not done our part to tend to that program and heed its demands, then we can be held accountable to harm that others do to us. That is part of our culture. That is part of women's reality. And I'm honestly not even arguing that it's a bad thing. I happen to be pretty happy with my situational awareness skills.

I do not go into a public restroom anywhere with the thinking that it's a magical sacred fairy grove that no scary males can enter with their assault penises, because, LAWS! Nor do I spend my time in there thinking about or fearing that there might be males around me. But that background protocol task is monitoring my surroundings anyways, like it always does. Asking the eternal and constant question, "Am I safe?"

So for public restrooms IN THE GENERAL PUBLIC like at Target or a truck stop, nothing should change. Because people can just do whatever they do. If my kids (sons OR daughters) are not old enough to have a fully functioning safety subroutine running, then I will accompany them. They'll come into the ladies room with me even if they've got penises, which is damn straight what I did when my sons were little. Are you kidding me? I'm not sending a four or five year old little boy into the mens' room alone at Walmart! I've seen the people who shop there, no way! I wouldn't send them ANYWHERE out of my sight in Walmart.

We can just, in other words, keep right on using our common damn sense and not worry about it.

The one place I do think things should change is in SCHOOLS.

Do I think that the present approach is the right one? No. I think that there should be a basic human dignity and privacy law. Every school that wants to keep federal funding has got a specified timeframe to comply, and they must construct walls and doors around every bathroom and shower stall and facilitate PRIVACY for students to conduct any activity requiring exposure. Then eliminate gender requirements for bathrooms. In fact they COULD make the sink areas open and exposed to the hall, so that the only privacy in there is in the actual toilet stalls, and that privacy is total. Kids don't need a whole space to go and privately do social things as a group.

No student, going through the most awkward and potentially vulnerable years of their lives, should be forced or expected to disrobe to any degree in front of other students, period, ever. It's heartless, and not only to trans people.

To girls who are sensitive about their bodies (not just overweight ones either, because girls are VERY good at being self-critical) this is like torture. For boys who don't meet some standard of masculine toughness or bravado, it provides opportunities for ridicule and bullying. Those are only examples. I could illustrate all day long.

Establishing universal privacy is a simple solution that solves a swathe of problems, and for schools I think it's a damn good idea. Other than that, private businesses should have the right to choose how they handle this, putting in family or gender neutral bathrooms or not, and adults can go on doing as we've always done.

 

[Reverie]

No student, going through the most awkward and potentially vulnerable years of their lives, should be forced or expected to disrobe to any degree in front of other students, period, ever. It's heartless, and not only to trans people.

To girls who are sensitive about their bodies (not just overweight ones either, because girls are VERY good at being self-critical) this is like torture. For boys who don't meet some standard of masculine toughness or bravado, it provides opportunities for ridicule and bullying. Those are only examples. I could illustrate all day long.

Establishing universal privacy is a simple solution that solves a swathe of problems, and for schools I think it's a damn good idea. Other than that, private businesses should have the right to choose how they handle this, putting in family or gender neutral bathrooms or not, and adults can go on doing as we've always done.

I totally agree with this. One of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life was having to go training bra shopping in elementary school because I'd started puberty pretty early. I started getting breasts at 8 and pubes and my period at 10. We had a mandatory swim unit in phys ed that required locker room disrobing, and I was super sensitive about being one of the only girls wearing a bra. Some girls were proud of it, but at that age I wanted to curl up and die rather than grow up yet—it seemed so unfair that these markers of adulthood were coming while I still played with dolls—so I was perpetually mortified.

 

[Spork]

Warning: Another post about the ex.

I want to respond to some thoughts from another thread, but it's another poster's blog and I don't want to hijack with my own STUFF. But GalaGirl responded with the typically brilliant level of analysis and helpfulness. Seriously, Gala, if you are not some kind of a therapist in real life, you really should be. You should have a show. You're way better than any Dr. Phil. I want people with relationship issues to start saying, "I'm sorry you struggle. Could do ________ and..." It's great. You're great. Thank you.

So here is the post, and so much of it resonated with me in dealing with my ex: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=328754&postcount=12

Ex keeps going on and on and on about his feelings of betrayal. That he is the victim and I lied to him our whole marriage. I think about this...he hates liars, and he's kind of gullible. He is easily fooled, I've seen it. But the REASON for this, besides not being good at people reading, the bigger stronger reason is that he believes what he wants to believe. If someone tells him what he wants to believe, he usually won't question it. If they tell him otherwise, he will likely continue to deny what he has been told and deceive HIMSELF because he so strongly wants to believe a thing. If forced to confront a truth not to his liking, he may in fact become violent.

He constructs a web of made up reality around himself that is built out of his needs, he tries to squash other humans into the shells constructed of his needs, and when others don't conform to his elaborate fantasy, he throws a tantrum.

He is angry at women, because it's "easy" for us to find love and companionship or at least sex. I have partners in my life because I'm female. Full stop. And he is being rejected, because he's not young or hot or rich, and only the top tier men get women. He is a "nice guy" but women won't give him a chance, we want young, rich, ripped, studly sexy jerks who treat us like garbage.

I've told him again and again...

It's not because of your age or face or body or paycheck. It's because of your brain, your words, your attitude, your behavior.

But it is SO MUCH easier to blame others for your problems, feelings, etc.

So, because I did not leave him early on, our whole marriage was a lie. I should have left when I knew that he didn't make unicorns and rainbows dance around my hoo-hah. I should have left when I knew that I wasn't going to be his Penthouse Playmate, when I knew I wouldn't want to wipe his butt in his old age.

Should not have mattered that we had small children to care for. Tough. If woman cannot give man everything he needs, he shouldn't have to help raise kids. That's my problem. I should have tried harder to love him right maybe.

He was over 20K in debt to wife#1 (I was #3 and that should have been a clue that he was a mistake.) when we met, for child support on kids he hadn't tried to see since he left when they were tiny.

Which told me, if I didn't play his game, I could count on nothing from him. I'd be on my own raising these kids in poverty that I didn't know how to climb out of, at age 20-22. I was not down for that. So I hung in there and did my best to be at least decent to him. I could not muster the sexual enthusiasm he wanted and that was an ongoing source of contention. But I didn't screw around, and I made sure he had the first and best of food, clothing, entertainment. I sent him care packages when he was deployed and I stood up for him when he had problems and gave him emotional support and helped coach him in dealing with other people. I took over the finances and fixed his credit, and got his old bad debts taken care of. I stood by him when he was hospitalized, even though he'd been acting so crazy beforehand that I'd nearly left, babies or no babies. I played the good, responsible, respectable wife for his family. I cleaned up after him and our sons. I did my best.

When we met, I was 18. He knew that what he really wanted was a woman to love him for the rest of his life, give him a family and a house in the suburbs, that this was his goal and his dream...he KNEW IT. And I told him several times at that point, I did not want to be married, did not want kids, that I wanted to pursue goals for myself. But it didn't matter. I was hot young womanstuff that he squished into the shell constructed of his needs, and nothing I was or wanted mattered. He would do whatever it took to keep me in line and keep me around. He said he knew fairly early that he'd have to "give me space" or "I'd run." That the way you "keep a dog in the yard isn't to fence her in, but to make the backyard such a good place she doesn't want to leave."

He looked to secure a girl so young that she didn't know her own mind, and mold her to live happily in a prison.

He'd tell me who to be. What the meaning of honor and integrity were, and that women had none. He'd explain to me how bad it was for me to have friends, because other females were "drama" and other males just wanted to fuck me. The only friends he wanted me to have were his. He also did his best to wreck my ties with my family. I had to notify him of my activities, check in constantly on my location and what I was doing. If I failed to, I would have my phone blown up with frantic and increasingly aggressive and accusatory voicemails and texts. I was punished for every bad emotion he ever had, for the entirety of my adult life. And I learned not to ask for anything if it could possibly be avoided. Ask for help with something, he'd give me a load of bad attitude and then come do it while treating me like I was stupid, inferior and incompetant because I couldn't do it and he had to. And then, after treating me that way, would expect a reward of affection for his efforts, and be angry if I was only compliant and not enthusiastic about it.

Every time I had a creative project, he tried to take it over. If he couldn't take it away from me, he tried to discourage me from doing it at all.

I was conditioned to show no weakness to him, and to not share "me" things with him.

Every time I had a problem or a bad emotion, and shared it with him, he had a worse problem or worse emotions. If I was sick, he was sicker. I was not allowed to talk for more than a couple of seconds without him speaking over me, interrupting me, and going on for hours. He insulted me and my family around our mutual friends and did not let me talk to them without interrupting and steamrolling me. I was not allowed to have any comfortable interactions in his presence. And allowing me to have interactions outside of his presence was this huge struggle for him to learn to deal with for my sake...eventually he got more or less ok with it, but I had to be understanding of his insecurities. I even scratched his back for hours as we watched TV every night, for years, and I can count the number of times he ever did anything similar for me on my fingers, and when he did, it wasn't for long because he didn't like doing it.

And because I walked away, and more importantly because I have happiness and what I want in my life while he is miserable and alone...I am a liar, and his pain is my fault. How dare I be happy when he is miserable??

At the heart of the upset we still have, is the fact that aside from some basic obligations, which are easily offset by obligations I also have, I really do not need or want him for much of anything. I was conditioned not to, for a long time, so it's not hard, with the exception of financial worries, to move forward and not look back. He has no one who cares about his needs or wants, and that is causing him to struggle with bouts of despair. He refuses to seek therapy. Even with co-parenting...he has seen Q once since 3/25, and only because it was Mother's Day and I wanted to spend it with both kids and came down to the house for that. He says that if he's going to have relationships with anyone, they're gonna have to come to him and do the work, including the kids, because he's tired of feeling rejected by people. We all have to prove to him that he has value to us, now.

*sigh* Good luck with that, buddy.

 

[Spork]

I appreciate this as a good place to vent about my difficulties. Some days...

Well today is a new day and I'm not mentally reviewing the ex-files right now. He's an ass, moving on...

I have my usual plans with Zen tonight. Which is great, he's the only one really bringing the sexual intensity I am craving right now, I need what he has to offer, frankly, at the moment. I've been feeling sexually restless, as evidenced by my talk of other potential FB/FWB types...but I haven't messed with any of those since I last talked about it. I had sent the Worm King a long message early this week saying that I was somewhat sorry for how things went, before, I'd gone through a lot of tough things and was probably too attachy, clingy, needy...I was using our time as an escape from bad stuff. The baggage is more stowed these days, and that I thought I could do a more casual thing if he wanted, with less emotional drama involved. He told me I had nothing to apologize for, and he appreciated it, and wanted to see me soon. I gave him a general idea of my schedule and left it in his hands. And...nothing. I had glimmers of hope, but no expectations really. And I'm not feeling hurt. I just really...wanna get laid, to be honest. lol

Sometimes it's just that simple. *shrug*

So I'll ask Zen to dial back the ouch and dial up the sex and see if I can get some peace from that particular distraction.

There was talk of maybe going out to see Analyst afterwards tonight...I guess Fire is spending the night out there, and he has mentioned that he'd love to have a night with both the girls and him, before. I'd like to do that too. And opportunities for it seem to be few and far between. But in all honesty, there is a very good chance I'll be too tired to drive all the way out there after Zen and I are through, and I'll most likely send my regrets and go to bed. We will have more opportunities once he moves into town. Also...I dunno...Fire might want it to be a quieter "just her and Analyst" kind of night maybe. And my last visit was another one where...I don't know how to put it. He talks about how much he wants sex, and what he's going to do with me and to me. But then when we're together, he doesn't seem to actually want to. We just hang out and talk. Or if we do, it's just this brief perfunctory thing that leaves me almost wondering why we bothered. It's not always like that. But our visits together alone are pretty rare, and it's happened a few times now. Fire and I are, if anything, even worse about cranking up sex energy between us, particularly if the guys are around. I actually feel like when we're together as a group, there is some expectation of tending to the sex needs of the men...and so she and I aren't really playing with each other too much. Though I cannot fault her for so many of the other areas related to touch, and I feel very emotionally "in love" with her and a nice warm vibe of extreme happiness when I'm with her. Hefe is, again, just nice and easy, and I am often very grateful for it.

It's tricky. I adore my quad. But it sucks to often wonder if I'm really doing it for them. Not just whether I'm doing enough to please them, but if they even want me still...like, maybe they are bored with me. And all the nights where we stay up watching TV or movies and/or talking, and sex not happening, or feeling like we're all awkwardly waiting for someone to make the first move...it gets a little disappointing. Especially when I get talk about how we're gonna do this and that, when in times that there is NOT the opportunity. And especially when it wasn't any trouble at all for them to persuade a reluctant friend at a party to engage in sexual play and fun...after they tucked me into bed. I feel like I should put the energy into initiating things, but doubts about whether I am desired make me insecure enough to hold me back, and I feel like my reluctant energy is maybe contributing to this inertia situation.

Not that I actually mind being snuggly friends with these people. I quite enjoy that. I just...if I'm going to be worked up and anticipatory, I think I need another outlet. I wish the Worm King would be that outlet. But he can't be counted on for anything. I don't especially want to add any new partners right now. And I don't want to continue just taking care of it myself. Thank god for Zen.

Yeah, this is some serious "first world problems" shit right here...I'm wallowing in an abundance of love and even more potential lovers all over the place, but waaaahhh, I'm not getting enough. Guess I'm kind of still venting stuff, because honestly I don't want to think with my hoo-hah...but it's getting mighty tempting to take a walk on the slut side.

All that aside.

We have Thunder in the Mountains coming up in a couple of months, which is this huge BDSM convention thing up in Denver. This is the first time I'm going, ever. Fire got a hotel room to sleep the quad, and Analyst paid for my ticket. Zen is going, too, though, and will want my company and time as well. I'm going to have to negotiate time with my various people somehow. I would really love to do a scene with all of them at once. But the three in the quad are kind of weird about Zen, and though he says nothing at all to the effect, I sometimes wonder if Zen wishes he could have me all to himself. It would be easier to know, if he had more of a relationship history, but he does not. It's like...relationship-ing at all is new to him, and he's willing to take what he can get with me and "make hay while the sun shines" as he put it. I think he would be reluctant to admit it if he were feeling jealous. And he's pretty gracious and very generous in giving ground to the needs of others...unfortunately sometimes to the degree of a bit of Pisces style martyrdom. I did however tell him recently that what we have feels more solidly like a "relationship" than what I've got with any of my quad. And despite Analyst stepping up and kindly helping me out with money, and involving me in his life plans...that is still true. I think it's maybe because the play and the sex are really big parts of my interaction with Zen, or because we have time together just the two of us at least twice a week. Maybe because I just feel more secure in his high regard of me and appreciation and wanting of me.

 

[Tinwen]

And all the nights where we stay up watching TV or movies and/or talking, and sex not happening, or feeling like we're all awkwardly waiting for someone to make the first move...it gets a little disappointing.

Could you simply ask them, if they've had this feeling?
I get the feeling you are the one expecting something and then being disappointed, all while you worry that they are expecting something and then disappointed. Could you tell them you want sex, the moment you get that feeling of expectation?
Or even beforehand, like the morning before you meet? It sounds so .. spontaneity lacking .. but our intimate time is almost always pre-agreed, often including if it will be vanilla of bdsm.

 

[Spork]

Could you simply ask them, if they've had this feeling?
I get the feeling you are the one expecting something and then being disappointed, all while you worry that they are expecting something and then disappointed. Could you tell them you want sex, the moment you get that feeling of expectation?
Or even beforehand, like the morning before you meet? It sounds so .. spontaneity lacking .. but our intimate time is almost always pre-agreed, often including if it will be vanilla of bdsm.

Yes...and I will often, especially with Analyst, have talk between us of what we are going to do. Yet somehow in the moments where it is an actual possibility to happen...I have the feeling that we are both waiting for the other to "chase" a bit. Or something. I don't know. There is a hesitation from both of us that I'm finding just weird. And I also get a sense that there is a big part of him that is wanting a relationship that is..."like normal people"...he likes just having some company over even to watch tv on the couch with. And he has lost interest in the BDSM club scene, doesn't want to go to parties anymore.

He wants a relationship thing with me. He SAYS that he wants more sex with me. But I'm not really sure if he actually does or not. His words and actions are not quite the same.

I'm doing my best to keep the "they don't really like you" gremlin quiet. That isn't terribly hard, as Analyst has done a lot of things to put effort into making me feel safe and loved and cared for. Fire...I have to remind myself occasionally, when I do get moments of insecurity with her, that if she didn't like me, she would not allow time with me to happen. She's pretty outspoken and set on what she does and doesn't like, and putting up with someone when she doesn't want to is like...a visible struggle, when she has to do it. And she has been really supportive for some of the tough shit I've gone though.

So...we're ok. And honestly, that is what's important to me. Being sexually restless and wanting more in that arena, and then feeling like they are probably feeling the same way and it's my fault, etc...that is...well, it's a thing, but it's not remotely a Super Important Game Changing Thing. It's just a thing. And probably a lot of it is in my mind.

But! Zen visit is tonight. So.


Oh, and I was at a subs meeting (discussion group) at the club last night, and the topic was "High Protocol" (which, as a bottom, masochist, but not truly a sub, I don't really do that, but I've experienced it.) And then one of the littles started talking about her littles munch coming up and I had a stroke of brilliance. They are going to do a high protocol littles' tea party. Because I suggested it. I'm not really into the Big/little dynamic either...in fact honestly bringing kid-concepts into sex play or a dungeon is weird to me, but like many things since I have friends that I am very fond of who love to do this thing, I have come to accept it. As they say..."Your kink is not my kink and that's ok." But the idea of them doing a fancy high protocol tea party for their stuffed animals...well it's cute. And it made them all happy and stuff, so that's nice.

 

[Tinwen]

He wants a relationship thing with me. He SAYS that he wants more sex with me. But I'm not really sure if he actually does or not. His words and actions are not quite the same.

Oh. Well. Maybe that needs time to alighn then.

Being sexually restless and wanting more in that arena, and then feeling like they are probably feeling the same way and it's my fault, etc...that is...well, it's a thing, but it's not remotely a Super Important Game Changing Thing. It's just a thing. And probably a lot of it is in my mind.

Well, my suggestion was to bring it out of your mind into the open. Like, it's certainly not your fault - and you can resolve that within - but it may be a thing if there is some truth in it, and then it might be beneficial to start the talk. And if you start the talk and there's nothing to it? Then you know it's nothing. But I can understand if you prefere to just write it out here and let it be as it is.

 

[Spork]

You know, I think that having (probably unfounded) doubts and minor insecurities might just be part of being solo-poly. I mean all week, I'm on my own doing my thing. Being independent. Working hard. Living life.

If I have a rough day that leaves me feeling like I'm just doing everything wrong and nothing is right, I don't have a partner to go home to, to reassure me that at least WE are good. I might get a lunch or dinner date during the week, but for the most part I get weekends for dedicated time to exchange energy in the relationships and reaffirm and strengthen those bonds. But in between...I'm kind of on my own.

And that's what I signed up for. It's what I want. I'm doing this lifestyle on purpose right now. It's just I have no precedent for it, and I'm learning it as I go. I'm learning what emotions might crop up, why, and how to cope with them, as they happen. I mean...just a year ago, I was living with Old Wolf and we were both just barely starting to look at OK Cupid and consider dating other people. I didn't go on my first date until late May of last year, and it was one of two that went completely nowhere...my first date with the Worm King, the first I actually slept with and had a fling with for a bit, was 7/1/15.

So I haven't really been doing polyamory, or solo poly, or anything, for long at all. I don't know how I should expect to feel. And while on paper, solo poly makes excellent sense to me (feel I should really live alone for at LEAST the duration of a lease after leaving my ex-hubs' house)...that doesn't necessarily mean it's the end-all-be-all "this is how I am" permanent life choice. I'm in healing and learning mode. My goal is to have an idea of what I want to do by next year, and be able to make wise choices for myself and my son.

So yeah...I hash things out here, especially when what I've got going on is uncertainty.

 

[Spork]

I'm sharing this just because it's awesome.

A guitarist in GWAR, Mike Derks, is also an amazing chef, his family is really into culinary shenanigans and he's been up to this stuff for ever. Plus he was a bartender. Well he's still a bartender. But now it's his bar.

If you have not heard of it, the GWAR Bar, located in Richmond, VA...

The food there is themed "gourmet junk food." So like house made junk food out of gourmet fresh ingredients.

Lookit...

http://gwarbar.com/menu/

.........

Funny story.

So Zen had a neighbor who used to complain constantly about noise. She was so sure he was making noise (it's a townhome community.) It got so bad she told the community management that "she was sure he was running some kind of a marijuana hydroponics operation" because she heard "a motor" going off early every morning and it was waking her up. He almost got hit with a bunch of fines for her complaints.

He struggled (accomodating and sweet Pisces that he is) to find the source of the noise, determined to do the neighborly thing and fix the problem. It should also be noted that she would not ever speak directly to him, even when he tried very hard to be friendly. This went on a while. Eventually she moved out.

Then last week he was awoken by a loud freaking noise!! He'd been half convinced she was being crazy and making the whole thing up...but no, sure enough there was a noise and now it was waking him up too. He described it to me as a metallic machine-ish noise as though you were drilling something and your drill slipped and made staccato bursts of sound, like three seconds and then a few minutes and then again.

Well. I knew exactly what it was, especially when he said it was coming from the chimney/fireplace area.

A woodpecker. On the metal chimney stack/pipe thing up on the roof. I used to live in the country and there was one that would do that every morning for a while and it sounded like a damn machine gun. He argued that no, he did not think it was that. So I pulled up a Youtube video of one doing this, and played it on my phone for him and he was like "OH MY GOD THAT IS THE NOISE." lol

So now he's got to go look outside for the culprit, and try to get a video of this to the HOA folks...

 

[Spork]

Fascinating conversation today in a poly-centric Facebook group. Regarding "limerance." I know people often think this is the same as NRE, but I'm not so sure about that. Seems limerance is often one sided, it's obsessive, it's when you cannot stop thinking about the object of your limerant feelings, and get so easily insecure about them, and would do anything to make them like you more and keep you around, etc. It's what I mean when I talk about "bonfire."

I have reviewed my list of partners and I have felt limerance for 11% of them in my life. I never feel it without sex having happened, and sometimes I don't feel it until it does. But it certainly doesn't happen all the time or even often.

Someone in the convo thread posted a link to an article that pathologizes limerance and calls it a "false" form of love. That makes me so stabby. I swear. Just...mad. Because I have never had a relationship where it started mellow and with no real emotions, but then over some long period of time, the feelings grew and grew into twue wuv. I've never experienced a situation where in time I eventually formed attachment as strong as what I have felt in a limerant state. I've never felt anything as strong as limerance.

And I feel like so many people I've talked to in my life, who have told me I was "just" infatuated, it was puppy love, it wasn't the real thing... You're telling me that my emotions are not valid, that I cannot love like people are supposed to. That I am somehow broken, crazy, wrong, and therefore not deserving of love, but rather completely deserving of the hurt I've been dealt when the objects of my limerant emotions have (inevitably) rejected and hurt me. I deserve to get kicked again and again every single time I feel strong love.

I am crazy, broken, wrong...because I cannot force my feelings to fall in line with my logic. I cannot seem to decide to fall in love or not to fall in love. I cannot consciously CHOOSE to feel for those who deserve it, and have earned it, and are the pragmatic and realistic and sensible choice of partner. I must be some kind of idiot, that I cannot discipline my heart to follow my mind.

Other people can.

Normal people do.

What is wrong with me?

It goes straight to some of the worst of my gremlins that drives me into depressive states. And therefore, for the sake of my own SANITY, I have only one choice: To reject the social model of what love is "supposed" to be, and build my own. Funny how this is pretty much the same thing I had to do with religious faith...no one's existing religious framework made sense to me, so I made up my own.

And this, I think, is part of my own sort of relationship anarchy.

I am letting myself feel what I feel. I am going to not apologize to anyone for it. If that is a safe, warm, happy kind of love that builds over time, yet doesn't make me obsessive, if it's a kind where my lover could up and leave, and while I'd miss them, I wouldn't curl up and cry for a week over it...then fine. I will not devalue those relationships because I'm not losing my appetite and sleep over them. (I don't devalue them anyways, but I feel guilty sometimes for not being able to switch on limerant intensity for these wonderful people.) I need to stop feeling that guilt. And if I do go bananas for somebody, I'm not going to let ANYONE tell me that I'm feeling "just" anything. Not just infatuation. Not crazy. Not false. And hell, if I want to love my friends to the point where sometimes I want to applaud the universe for giving them life, where I'm their biggest fan and I'd like to paint their picture and tell everyone how awesome they are, then goddamnit, I will. I am going to stop asking myself why I've got to be different, and just accept that I am. And if the people around me don't like it, then they can get lost. Plenty of people like me. I don't need anyone around who feels a need to explain to me what love is supposed to look like, feel like, etc. There are lots of different kinds of love feelings. I'm going to be thankful for all of them.

The only thing I have to look out for, are the kind of potential partners who would be scared by my limerance, and just warn them right up front before we ever get intimate, so that if I feel that way, it doesn't scare them. And probably not jump in bed with anybody too quick, so they've got time to get to know how sensible and safe a person I am. I can feel intense things without doing crazy behaviors for crying out loud...

I'm looking forward to talking about this to some of my kink community in a discussion group sometime...

 

[Spork]

Old Wolf and the future...

So I went to the house yesterday because I needed to talk to Ninja about his plans to come live with me over the summer. Make sure he understood what I require of him, what his living situation will be (basically crashing on the couch) and so forth. Also took the boys for haircuts and tacos.

Then after this visit, Q freaked out because he'd forgotten his keys at the house, so on my lunch I ran down and fetched them real quick.

I still have a garage door opener and keys...but I rarely go to the house and when I do, it's to hang out with Ninja, who is soon going to be living with me. Like maybe as soon as next week. But bear in mind, my name IS still on the mortgage and the deed. Technically, it's still partly my house.

So.

Well, and this should come as no surprise, Old Wolf is mad that I still have access to the house. He called me, hollering that he could have sex toys or sex dolls out in his bedroom and he'll be damned if I'm allowed to come into his house and snoop around looking for things to judge him on how he lives his life. He is going to get the locks changed and the garage code, and so forth. He asked me if I'd have a problem giving him a key to my apartment (as an illustration of how outrageous it is that I have access to the house) and I told him actually no, I didn't have a problem with that.

Honestly...I wish we could have the kind of friendship that involved us still kind of having each other's backs a little bit. Like if there's some emergency that could be solved by someone accessing the home of the other, I'd trust him to be that...if only because I've got one of the kids and he has the other.

Because I wasn't there for him last weekend, would not drop my plans and come sit with him, he is now on about how I can't be trusted and furthermore he doesn't like the idea of Ninja coming to live with me because I'm a bad influence. I have no "honor, integrity, or loyalty" because "sex isn't special, it's just a thing that you do." (Did you guys know that honor, integrity, and loyalty live in your crotch? FUN FACT!)

Anyways I started to get my dander up about the notion that I'd snoop around in his house and cannot be trusted...but then I said "Ohhh...I know why you think I'm looking for reasons to judge your personal business. That's what you are constantly doing to ME." And he said, "You bet your ass I am."

Wowwww....

He has been demanding I come and get the divorce paperwork done, too. He actually threatened to get a lawyer.

I've dragged my feet on the divorce primarily out of worry about the disposition of the house. Neither of us has the money to refinance it, it is devalued and probably cannot be refi'ed for the remainder of the mortgage, yet he thinks he can get some easy-peasy modification of the loan as soon as we're legally divorced and they'll take my name off the paperwork. What I believe, from my consults with lawyers and research, is that they will REQUIRE (as in, court order) him to refi or sell within a specific timeframe, and he won't find it easy (maybe impossible) to refi (bear in mind we got a VERY low rate)...and that he will have to sell and lose the house and we'll be forced to split the profit or (more likely) loss. But he won't hear it. He thinks he knows what's what.

I feel like once I get Ninja out and his last hostage is gone, it hardly matters if we get lawyers and fight this out. We almost might as well. He's decided he doesn't want to play amicable anymore. He kept asking if I could think of one mutually beneficial thing to base a friendship on going forward. And from my perspective, I've been throwing my time, effort, and energy into a black hole and getting nothing back for years...so I couldn't think of anything of value I get out of our friendship. I did mention that he borrowed money from me a couple of days ago, and if I should not loan him money since we aren't friends...? And he said, that's different. Because I have access to his funds and I know I can get repayment back on it.

But... I sold my things so I wouldn't have to ask him for a loan, because I'd be damned if I'd give him cause to feel superior to me or that I was struggling on my own. I don't go to him for much of anything.

People keep saying "you still have to co-parent." You know, it's funny about that. He's seen Q once in the last 2 months. Neither of them have much interest in seeing one another. Ninja says he's tired of his Dad telling him all kinds of things that are none of his business and he doesn't care about. Old Wolf doesn't go out of his way to do anything for anyone but himself, unless it's asked, and honestly I don't see either of our sons asking. Doesn't seem we'll have to do much co-parenting.

Kind of think I maybe SHOULD get a lawyer. As soon as Ninja is out. How can I trust gentlemen's agreements among friends, when we're not friends anymore?