Looking for advice; My wife says she's no longer sexual actracted to me

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FordPrefect

New member
Hi people,

I'm really searching for answers online and so is my wife; She is trying to meet a therapist who specialises in polyamory relations. I just want to know is it common?

The situation is like this; My wife is in a new relationship since two and a halve month and the NRE is rampant. I had to do some hard adjusting, became really insecure, (see previous thread) and every time I felt safe, some other drama erupted... Things settled for a bit after I met someone too (I don't know how to call that "sex with benefits" ?) .

And my wife was very happy. Hadn't she told me how much more self secure I would feel? And it did.

And then it became complicated again; My wife found it difficult to cope with the emotional side of me having a new girlfriend/sexdate (searching for words here). The level of how much intimacy there would be. Basically what I felt when she started seeing her boyfriend.

But throughout all that our sexual attraction stayed more or less the same... the last
two weeks I felt a distance, not a drop in affection, emotional commitment. There was the same amount of hugging etc. But something was off.

Last night we went dancing. Some stuff happened and we ended up eating take out in the park instead of going to diner somewhere and my wife said that with our luck the venue would be sold out when gotta there. We betted on it, the kind where everyone wins, in sexual favours. ( Never enforcible, just fun) I won... The night was nice, dancing,kissing, seeing friends... We ended up home early.

I really had that "let's jump in to bed together" feeling and then she told me... And I didn't feel surprised . I felt it, just tried to ignore it, never works, does it? And she said she didn't understand... Everything she thought she wanted from me , dress up more, put myself out there, feel confident. Have other women check me out. It was al there and it didn't work

So, any thoughts?
 
So, is it the matter of past two weeks? If so, I wouldn't be jumping to any worries or conclusions like "no longer attracted". More like "not attracted now". It's a symptom of something, that either needs to be fixed or will pass with time on it's own.
 
The one thing you mentioned was a therapist. Perhaps they can help sort out what is going on.

The hardest thing I think is to eealize alot.of times thinfs sound great or look good on paper but dont actually work as well as we hoped. I run into that time and time again.

M
 
Moonglow said:
The one thing you mentioned was a therapist. Perhaps they can help sort out what is going on.

The hardest thing I think is to eealize alot.of times thinfs sound great or look good on paper but dont actually work as well as we hoped. I run into that time and time again.

M
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Yeah, I say that a lot ; the idea of polyamory is much easier to grasp then to practice it. I hope Tinwen is right, but at the moment I feel so overwhelmed by al the drama, confessions,realisations (including mine) and painful discoveries of each others boundaries, I don't honestly know how to rely on good old time to do it's healing.

I've given this whole situation time, six months, just to see how it all works out, if there are changes, if i'm still happy, that's a lot of ifs ;) thats till the end of autumn, that's also time for my wife to get over her NRE or not, discover what kind of relationship she want's and then if our views differ to much another half year to resolve our future way of relating. But after that I don't want to be on this emotional rollercoaster...
 
Hi FordPrefect,

I'm thinking you and your wife should see a sex therapist. You seem to have done all you can to revive her interest in you.

Are there any other problems? You mentioned an emotional rollercoaster. What all does that consist of?

I hope we can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You mentioned emotional roller coaster.

I don't know if this image helps you any.

To me it sounds there are TWO coasters going on. First she had an outside partner and you did not. So she was riding track A and you were riding track B. Then you had a new parter. So you were riding track A and she was riding track B.

It's going to feel hard to feel sexy when feeling numb or dealing a loss of confidence or simple too many things going at the same time.

Maybe that visual aid helps you guys talk? Like if you are talking about where you are at in your track B as she dats her other partner, you could point the to place you are at for that. And when talking about where you are at in your relationship with your other partner, you could point to the place you are at in that coaster. She could do same.

Galagirl
 
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A lot, basically every boundary crossed, rules broken, you name it...

And I know, to each their own, everyone has different boundaries. But to me the words "Only what we agree on, never hurt you, our love is the basis, our home must be safe,the kids never involved" and of course "safe sex" "always honest to each other." mean exactly that.

We had an STD scare and an chemical abortion because... Yeah. He was at our place when I was with my girlfriend and stayed over 'cause he missed the last train. Slept on the couch, she said. Met my son the next morning. Never told me exactly how far they went sexually, but kept hinting at stuff. So, I asked directly and then was told it was a real relationship, so basically everything we did together. Which is a lot. I was told repeatedly to not be whining about the time she spend chatting and phoning with him, because they had far less time together then we do as a couple, when I said it made me uncomfortable. I tried to explain I felt inadequate when she told he can make her squirt and that it makes me uncomfortable when she hints about how good their sex is. She keeps saying our sex is just as good. But she doesn't stop doing it.

She met his kid already, and his parents. That just bothers me. The stuff above hurts. What gets me totally confused is the amount of distress she showed when she found out my girlfriend and I had been sexting and send me some explicit nudes. While she also didn't like it when I said it was more then sex alone, because it just doesn't work for me like that.

Confused? I am. All this in two and a half months is exhausting. That's what I mean by emotional rollercoaster .
 
Glad it helps some. But remember it can only go so far if the bigger problem is making and then breaking agreements and not respecting boundaries. At some point there has to be some actual follow through to know that she CAN keep her Word. Otherwise... if she's got a flimsy Word? You are best off not believing anything she says and plan accordingly.

Disappointing maybe, but less "roller coaster-y" because your expectations match what is happening. Rather than expecting one thing and BOOM! Something else happens instead. Up and down, up and down.

Galagirl
 
Hi there FordPrefect,

I am wondering if it would help you and your wife to share less information with each other, such as only health- and calendar-related information. It sounds like you are hearing things that are making you feel inadequate, and she is hearing things that are making her feel distressed. You're already processing enough without having to process more.

Just a thought.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It sounds like, in a short amount of time, you both embarked on non-monogamy in a way that is not fully thought out, nor considerate toward everyone. It's like you both stepped on a speeding train when you might have done better to discuss things more fully, take it more slowly at first, and actively make the efforts to develop more compassion and emotional maturity.

To be honest, I don't think either of you were ready for it yet.

I think sitting down together with a therapist -- not necessarily a sex therapist, but one who is familiar/accepting toward alternative lifestyles and perhaps polyamory -- would help you both. I think the two of you need to step back and get some perspective from a third party to see what is going on between you.
 
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Yah, calling in a sex therapist is just goofy. When the boat's sinking, choosing a new color for when you repair the hull is getting maybe a bit ahead of the situation.

And so is "trying to meet a therapist who specialises in polyamory relations." Analogy: shopping for a motorcycle before taking the training wheels off your bicycle. Maybe they need something before "have you tried a Harley-Davidson yet?"

One of the major points that distinguishes polyamory from simple sexually-open nonmonogamy is COMMUNICATION. The subjects appear to have communication skills that are (to use the scientific term) lousy. Therefore, it's readily arguable they haven't yet achieved polyamory.

They each need to learn how to understand their own needs & motivations, & be able to step back & honestly wonder, "now, why the hell did I do THAT?" before they can move on to maybe being able to empathise with another, & become able to step back & wonder, "now, why the hell did they do THAT?"

FordPrefect, the way you tell it, your SO is making this a competition, & gets snarky when she feels you're "caught up" to her. She is willing to readily drag your kid & her family into this to validate your replacement -- will she do the same with the next one, & the one after him?

OUTCOME: she can get her shit together, or your marriage is going to quickly become even more toxic.

I don't care if her tit-for-tat tendencies have been going on for two days or two years. It's probably rooted in childhood, in any case. Have her see a therapist, & something more general than prefixes like "sex" or "polyamory."

Waaaaay back with my first lover, we were apart for a few months. She gave me grief for hanging out (in public) with female friends, & soon enough I found out she'd fucked a few guys. I told her "this won't go on," that I would expect the same freedoms she gave herself, & she maybe should figure out why she would want me around at all.

Clearly, you BOTH need to figure out why you bother.
 
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Well, I think a therapist who at least "gets" alt lifestyles and things like poly is less likely to look at the OP's attempt at having multiple relationships as the sole cause of the problems they have going on. I see tit-for-tat and some emotional immaturity on both sides, not just coming from the wife. And that is why I said neither one of them was ready to embark on a non-monogamous journey.

Clearly, there are issues between them that have nothing to do with poly at their root, that any good therapist will see and help them address, but it wouldn't hurt if that therapist was at least somewhat savvy about what non-monogamy is about. I didn't say they should look for a therapist who specializes in poly, but recommended that they find one who is familiar with it. That's not the same as specializing, but of course it isn't necessary if a therapist is good and open-minded.
 
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I have to admit, this doesn't look like a relationship where polyamory is a positive, & sure looks to be setting off a lot of negativity.

There are people who can't stop at "just one drink." Maybe, once they stop self-medicating, they will be able to dig in & straighten out some deep-seated emotional problems, & someday be able to have a beer or two without going on a bender. Saying "the alcohol isn't the real problem" risks excusing the problems that ARE caused by drinking.

Seeking a "poly specialist" therapy hints at a preconception that the polyness ought to be maintained. When you talk to a Christian minister, you're probably gonna get a Christian answer, right?

There are situations where "stop fucking other people" might be a necessary baseline. An informed, open-minded shrink would be great, where someone with a pro-poly agenda could be disastrous.

And being as there are so few "poly specialist" shrinks, this also looks like a delaying tactic. The storyline is devolving rapidly, so "wait & see" is a poor option.

Heck, maybe they'll both be happily poly in a few years... just separately.
 
nycindie said:
Clearly, there are issues between them that have nothing to do with poly at their root, that any good therapist will see and help them address, but it wouldn't hurt if that therapist was at least somewhat savvy about what non-monogamy is about. I didn't say they should look for a therapist who specializes in poly, but recommended that they find one who is familiar with it. That's not the same as specializing, but of course it isn't necessary if a therapist is good and open-minded.
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I agree. I may not like it... but yeah, it's true and it's one of the things that keeps tripping us up. I thought we were fine before and so did she... Turns out I wasn't.

And why we bother? Love, I suppose... It's always there, even in the darkest moments. There's always a spark which guides us back to each other. Just like today... when you think there's no way we could communicate without fighting. Spark. And we sit and hug and talk and argue and talk and love and smile.
 
Ravenscroft said:
. . . Saying "the alcohol isn't the real problem" risks excusing the problems that ARE caused by drinking . . . There are situations where "stop fucking other people" might be a necessary baseline.
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Yes, which is why I said that if poly isn't the sole cause of their problems, it is good to have a therapist who at least understands what poly is, so that there is less of a chance of a knee-jerk reaction, like making some pronouncement that poly is wrong no matter what, instead of looking at whether it is right or wrong for this couple. No one said anything about excusing anyone's behavior.

Ravenscroft said:
Seeking a "poly specialist" therapy hints at a preconception that the polyness ought to be maintained.
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I don't think that is necessarily true at all. I am sure that a good therapist, even a poly-friendly one who specializes in seeing polyfolk, can identify when a certain relationship structure like poly is not a fit for some people. Just like a marriage counselor should be able to see when a marriage is worth saving or better off not continuing. Just like the first Mediator we saw for my divorce said he couldn't help us because it was clear we were not ready for mediation. Good therapists won't let a specialty create a bias to keep that kind of situation going just because they specialize in it. That would be unprofessional and ridiculous.

Again, I don't think, and never said, that the OP and his wife need a therapist who "specializes" in poly, but might benefit from someone who at least understands what it is - that's all.

FordPrefect said:
nycindie said:
Clearly, there are issues between them that have nothing to do with poly at their root, that any good therapist will see and help them address, but it wouldn't hurt if that therapist was at least somewhat savvy about what non-monogamy is about. I didn't say they should look for a therapist who specializes in poly, but recommended that they find one who is familiar with it. That's not the same as specializing, but of course it isn't necessary if a therapist is good and open-minded.
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I agree. I may not like it... but yeah, it's true and it's one of the things that keeps tripping us up. I thought we were fine before and so did she... Turns out I wasn't.

And why we bother? Love, I suppose... It's always there, even in the darkest moments. There's always a spark which guides us back to each other. Just like today... when you think there's no way we could communicate without fighting. Spark. And we sit and hug and talk and argue and talk and love and smile.
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Well, it is good that the love is there between you, and that is a plus, but I think a better basis to start from is mutual respect. Love isn't enough to make a relationship satisfying and nurturing to everyone. There has to be self-awareness, compassion, empathy, respect, and honesty - as a start. You will both have to be willing to shine light on all the dark places where fear and anger reside. You may want to read Journey of the Heart by John Welwood. I hope you are both willing to put the effort into looking at whether the relationship should continue and, if so, in what form.
 
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