Thinking of opening up my relationship, advice welcome!

G

GeckoQueen

New member
Hello all!

Just introducing myself here and hoping to get some advice from you guys.

Let me fill you in on my situation. I have been in my current relationship for about three years now and going strong. I never thought I would be willing to try being in an open relationship until I met my current boyfriend. He's so caring, and trusting/trustworthy, he is absolutely the love of my life.
Early on we did hit a rough patch in our relationship that came from not having enough open communication between us. We worked through it and now we share everything with each other and as a couple we've grown so much stronger. During these early discussions, roughly a year ago, he brought up the idea of possibly seeing other people. I was absolutely not on board with this when he brought it up, mainly because we were going through that rough patch. I told him I would keep it in mind and maybe consider it again in the future when I really felt our relationship was stable. We are definitely at that point now, we're even trying to find our first place together too :)
So now I've started thinking about this again in real context. I myself have always loved that connection I feel from sleeping with friends or other partners. I really miss that closeness with the other people in my life other than my boyfriend. I feel confident that me seeing other partners would not cheapen my feelings or lessen my love for him.
I want to bring up that discussion with him again and see if he would want to give being in an open relationship a try. I've talked with one of my friends who's been in an open relationship with his wife for many years and he's made it work very well. His advice has really helped, but I wanted to reach out to this community for tips into having a successful open relationship. I know every couple is different, but if anyone could offer some advice of share their experiences early on, I'd love to hear it. The last thing I want to do is to hurt him, even if he wants this for us too.
How should I start this conversation? If any of you have started poly relationships from a similar standpoint, I'd love to hear how it went in the beginning and how its going.
Thank you for the warm welcome guys! I look forward to hearing what you all have to say. :)
 
Hi GeckoQueen,

There is a great book about open relationships; it is called "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. You should invest in a copy. It will give you a ton of helpful advice. And if the book raises questions for you, you can always field them on this forum.

My personal advice would be to take things slowly. One or both of you is likely to experience NRE and want to rush into a new relationship. You must apply the brakes. There is so much to learn, by reading, conversing, and doing. Don't let your speed outpace that process.

Other than that just keep the channels of communication flowing. Keep us posted here as things progress and we will offer more feedback.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Read the blogs here, to get examples of how different poly people do it.

Read the morethantwo.com website for common pitfalls to avoid.

My arrangement in a nutshell: My gf Pixi and I have been together 7 years and always poly. When we got a house together 3 years ago, we made sure to get one with enough space so we could both host an OSO and still have room for everyone to have a modicum of privacy. I have my current bf Punk over, and sometimes Pixi is here as well. Sometimes she sits and chats with us for a while in the living room. Then Punk and I go off to the bedroom to have sex. Pixi usually goes downstairs to our basement family room or her workshop to watch TV or play video games or do projects. Sometimes she wanders upstairs to get something or other... she doesn't mind hearing our sex/spanking noises. (She just kinda likes me being happy.) Then after Punk and I are done fucking, often we rejoin Pixi and all cook and eat together. Sometimes we all do a household project together, or watch a movie together. Sometimes we all go out somewhere together.

Punk doesn't spend the night, he has responsibilities at home. So after he leaves, I spend time with Pixi, and we have sex if she wants. This is our way of doing "kitchen table" poly. I've had other bfs who have spent the night. Sometimes I would fuck them to sleep in the guest room and go actually sleep with Pixi, sometimes I'd sleep with the guy.


Now, Pixi's current bf/Dom lives 20 miles away. She goes to his place every time she sees him because he likes it that way, to be in his own space. I've never met him though she's been seeing him 2 years. It would be nice to meet him, and Pixi would kind of like us to meet, but we accommodate him. He makes her happy, so it works.

My poly won't be your poly. It's just one example of a happy poly network. Good luck!
 
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GeckoQueen said:
The last thing I want to do is to hurt him....
Click to expand...

Everyone says this and the intention is well meaning, but in truth, we can't protect anyone we love from feeling hurt, nor should we. We can be caring and loving, but trying to spare other people their feelings never works. Feeling responsible for their feelings is a dead end. It's important to be clear, especially in an open relationship, that your responsibility is to be loving and honest. How he feels is his domain and nothing that you foist upon him. If he discovers that an open relationship is not for him after all, it won't be because you imposed hurt upon him, it will be because of his own thoughts about the situation. Be loving, be honest, be caring, but don't ever think that you can make someone else feel hurt or spare him from it. In an adult relationship, each is responsible for his own feelings.
 
Hello! I am very new to poly. My wife (FieryFlames), our best friend, and myself decided that we wanted to date each other around 2.5 months ago. It sounds like you are interested in something a little different than what we are, but I think that there is not that much variability in how such a conversation should be initiated.

I think that the best way to start the conversation is simply to ask in a very clear and direct manner. You cannot soften the blow of subject matter. By this, I mean that you cannot help if he is going to be upset by the conversation, but what you can do is be sure that there are no additional points of agitation by asking in as plain and succinct a manner as possible.
 
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