The story of Spork.

[Spork]

...

Goes back to my childhood.

And there's the million dollar answer. I think that a lot of my insecurities and my defensive reactions to them have significantly more to do with childhood baggage than they do relationships, except insofar as I've let my childhood stuff set in motion behaviors that have caused relationship problems or poor choices in relationships, in the past.

I'm trying VERY hard to be much more self aware, and cautious, because if other people I see can have different experiences in relationships, than what I feel I've encountered repeatedly since I started being sexually active at age 14 (the whole "one partner is attached, and the other doesn't care" model) then the common denominator is clearly...ME. But it is stupid-hard to pin down where I went wrong and made a mistake and let my childhood programming start writing the script.

I'm still afraid that...if this good thing is real...if I dare even hope...that he feels what he says he does... That I could, if I am not careful, say or do something that ruins it. That's why I'm writing here and not going directly to Zen with this stuff. Though I have told my lovers where to find my blog, so if they choose to read it, they can. It's not that I wish to hide my feelings from them. I just don't want to ask for anything. That's still too scary.

But I tell you what though...I have some mighty talismans against my fear. Women. Warm and supportive and kind women. The friends from the club who were supportive to me last night, one kitten in particular, and Svetlana who told me that everything is fine and it's just gremlins. And Fire who still had energy to shine on me after she experienced some really horrific stuff in the last few days. I take nothing and no one for granted. And Hefe made us some really delicious food last night, which was most appreciated.

I am loved. And it's going to be ok.

 

[Reverie]

I'd rather people dislike the real me than love the facade me!

Amen to this!

 

[Spork]

Yeah, but where exactly is "the real me?"

Me being confident?

Me being scared?

I don't think I have a right to behave badly. Where is the boundary between what is...normal, and human...and what is clingy, crazy, or needy?

What is too much?

I had a coworker who had a family member die and she was having a hard time...and I wanted to be compassionate to her. I had a coworker who seemed to generate constant drama, would get frustrated with every client or vendor phone call, and slam the receiver and then vent and rant...and cried at her desk over things going on with her boyfriend often, and told people of short acquaintance that she was a recovered cocaine addict. She was too much, and I wanted nothing to do with her.

If one of my lovers had some insecure or jealous feelings, I would want them to come and talk to me. I'd want to be there for them. Reassure them that WE ARE GOOD. If they were constantly insecure and jealous, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them (particularly if they attempted to be controlling on top of it, to ease those feelings.) There is definitely a point where stuff is too much even for me.

But I've often been confronted on how my emotions and approaches aren't like those of other people or normal people. Hell, even being kinky and poly and bi, makes me a minority in how I relate to others just to start with. But the ease with which I seem to develop obsessive levels of love, the fact that I've never EVER experienced this whole...in time, it deepens, and you know, it's One Twue Wuv...for me, limerance IS love. Because the only "long term" relationship I ever had was the one with the ex, and the love I felt for him was...familial, at best. I never thought of him as a soul mate or anything like that. I don't even believe in that. I've never felt that.

So what everyone tells me love is SUPPOSED to be...and NOT supposed to be...means I guess I'm not capable of "real" love, only "fake" love.

But I refuse to believe that. That is an awful thing to think about yourself! So...I attempt to legitimize my limerant experiences. I attempt to live as true to myself as I can, and not diminish my feelings.

But I guess I'm saying that I've had a lifetime of people telling me it's no wonder the men I loved fled, I'm too intense, I'm too obsessed, I'm say it too soon, I can't possibly have feelings. I can't have love. Rejection is my lot, when I feel big stuff for somebody...unless I learn to play it cool.

Pile all of that on top of a whole slew of the only nurturing caregiver I had as a child dying when I was 5, and then being shuffled off among a small crew of busy adults who didn't have much time or care for my needs, some of whom (babysitters) were downright abusive...learning to be very quiet and how to cope with bad things.

I don't think it's that surprising that this experience I'm having with regard to Zen is scaring the heck out of me. It was safe and cool and easy until a few weeks ago...but at some point, it blazed up and it's a little intense now. And I don't want to make an ass of myself and overwhelm him. The big difference here is that we are 7 months into our intimate relationship, and nearly a year since we met. I've never done it this way, had it blaze up this far in. I hope it makes a difference, makes it safe for me to feel this way, makes it more likely that he is being true with me about what he feels for me...but I don't want to...CHANGE on him. He doesn't like change very much, anyways.

And I don't think he's had a play partner before and had to deal with drop. I want more than anything to have skin to skin with him, to feel safe against him, and to hear him say something like, "It's ok. I'm here. I'm real. And you're my girl." But it feels an awful lot like slinging my psychological baggage at him and expecting him to catch it. So. Here I am...coping.

And at the end of the day...I have no idea wtf I am doing.

 

[Hannahfluke]

Oh, god, how much I understand the desire to have someone be there who says that I'm safe, that they are there for me, that I'm their girl and having that desire butt up against not wanting to seem too needy and not wanting to be vulnerable.

It's been the hardest part for me to deal with in the escalation of a FWB relationship last summer to a D/s one. I had been having issues with feeling like being vulnerable anyway, due to issues in my marriage and issues surrounding my last serious boyfriend and how he treated me the last part of our relationship and how he broke up with me. So to suddenly be in this relationship that in some very real ways only works if I can be vulnerable with him has been scary and a struggle. It's much, much easier and more comfortable to not be vulnerable, to hide behind my walls. But it's helped me grow as a person to let myself trust my dom, to let myself trust that he cares about me and wants to help me. I used to feel like that about my husband and I'm trying to get back to a place where I can be vulnerable with him again, despite the walls we've built around ourselves recently and I think learning to be vulnerable with my dom definitely helps to build the trust I have that being vulnerable isn't always a bad thing.

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one who struggles with this. And to say that with work and trust, it gets easier to do. I think, for you, no longer living with your ex and having to deal with him face to face every day, will be helpful in your progress too. Living with one of the people that makes it hard to think vulnerability is safe makes working on it harder, in my opinion.

 

[Spork]

And then there is the internal conflict in all of this, too.

This morning, I'm feeling just fine. Strong, positive, capable and smart, able to adult and function and ready to tackle life. And I look at the way I felt yesterday, and I wonder, "Who was that whiny girl? Surely that was not me."

But again, I'm intrigued by the notion that I might be able to science this emotional drop I'm experiencing from time to time.

Common factors this time and last time:

- Was in the days following the end of my period (I don't tend to get pre-menstrual syndrome, I tend to get emotional, and in fact sometimes other physical symptoms, in the days AFTER my cycle.)
- Was Monday/Tuesday following a really memorably good sessions of stuff with Zen on Friday night, though the last time we also had a scene at a party, too.
- Was immediately following a weekend that featured sleep disruptions (which is a major mistake for me, I need sleep and denying myself sleep is poor self care of the highest order.)

In fact I think one reason I feel better today is that last night I went to bed very early and got some extra rest.

So logically, knowing all of this and being in possession of a handy dandy calendar thingie where I can plot out my cycle and activities...the Monday that follows the end of my period next time is... The Monday after Thunder in the Mountains. /facepalm I'm fucked.

OK, well I'm going to say that it is a near guarantee that I'll be dropping HARD at that point, and I'm going to be proactive and let my lovers know and try to arrange some comforts and safeguards...

In other news. I have no idea what I'm doing for the Fourth of July yet, other than I need to do something with my sons. And it was Old Wolf's and my anniversary, it would have been 19 years. Funny how, no matter how awful things got to be and how much it had to end...it's still the death of a thing, and still feels like a grieving process has to happen, and I imagine I'll at least have some awareness of the hallmarks and milestones of our dead relationship for a very long time to come.

I am going to see Zen tonight. I am so thankful for that. There aren't words...

That's still a bit of confusion. How to reconcile this with my poly-ness. I want to be polyamorous. I love the freedom and the philosophy, and I am very romantically attached to Fire especially, and being with the quad just feels wonderful. I feel like the luckiest person alive, just having them as my people. But I also crave, in a deeper and almost darker sense...a particular connection with Zen. One day I want to hear him growl in my ear, "MINE." I want a thing where we are in our moments together, owners and owned, and he's got a mastery of my body that no one has ever had, not me or anyone. Ever. And yet for all I want to feel possessed by him, I don't want to give up or let go of my others and I don't want him to feel jealous of them, either. I don't have any reason to think that he does...he has not said so...I have no real or concrete reasons to worry about this stuff from the other people involved. It's just that in looking at how I feel, sometimes it's like I'm sinking into Zen's deep waters and I want to explore those depths, but I'm concerned about going so far that Fire and Air and Earth can't reach me anymore. And I am also, obviously, quite afraid of giving someone else so much power. I know that Zen might have to leave one day and move out of state to care for his father. And I would be fine with that, it is something I completely respect, when my loves have life stuff that is big and important and they must do. I would feel awful if I were a complication that confused their priorities on these things actually. So I think I'd cope fine with losing my Zen, temporarily or permanently, for such a reason, much as I would miss him. But if he were false with me...or if he simply pushed me away and gave me no reasons...he has the power to crush me right now. Again, I've got no reason to think he will. It's along the lines of "you might be living in a dream, and how do you know that ANYTHING is real?" that has me feeling questions and uncertainties. It's not based on actual behavior, words, or actions.

Today, I can examine all of this with a cool mind, and I can say well...it is the risk of living, right? I've bought the lottery ticket. It's worth it. What I have, here, now...it really is good enough to be worth the risk and worth having a few days now and then that are hard. Maybe one day I'll even be brave enough to be sub to his Dom. I have a deep unspoken feeling though, that that step might cost me my other lovers one way or another...and that isn't a choice I am prepared to make at this time.

 

[Spork]

Take a big deep breath, Spork, you gonna be allllllriiiighhht...

*breathe in.*
*breathe out.*

It's a better day.

It was a great evening with Zen. We talked, we snuggled, we went through pictures. We had dinner at a cool greasy NY pizza place we like. We had wonderful sexytime. And I tried in my sort of awkward and clumsy way to tell him what has been on my mind in the last couple of days...but I do hope that he comes and reads it here, because I am more eloquent in writing.

And...*breathe*...he was understanding...he did not do the scowling silence that says, "I see...you're crazy...how do I get out of this..." He was warm and loving to me. He said it was HUMAN of me to feel these things. The subject of my high energy love is giving me the ok to feel it, and that is a big fucking deal. *breathe*

The fear and insecurity...well...that's about as crazy as I get. I don't get mad much, I don't freak out or scream or throw things. And actually I do get a bit worse than this but only if I let things spiral. I can get depressive. Crying in bed depressive. But I try really hard not to let things go that far, and knowing what I knew about the reasons for my unstable emotions in the last few days (Monday and Tuesday mostly)...I wasn't in much danger of taking a trip down the well into depression.

The next point that I think merits some conversation is... I feel safer sharing my stuff either here, or with uninvolved others, "safe people" where I don't have a lot to lose if they spook and reject me in my emotional state. But I also do worry that a lover...in this case, Zen, but it could be one of the others one day, just as easily...might really not want information about our relationship over-shared in the way that I tend to over-share. Part of it IS my nature, I am a gushy, talky extrovert and I'll never be able to completely change that....but. None of my lovers has indicated a boundary, but I want to make sure they know that this is an area to not make assumptions with me. I don't want the day to come where they say, "Why would you tell people that? Why didn't you come to me first?" It's not gossip...it's how I process. Where I feel safe. I am not a shit talker, but I recognize that by discussing MY stuff, I am also sharing other people's stuff...and some people place a lot more value on privacy than I do.

So that is worth talking about, before and lest I blunder across anyone's boundaries and cause harm where I don't intend or want to.

Zen said not long ago in a discussion group, "Girls talk about EVVVERRRYYYYTHINNNG." And while yeah...I'm one who can be guilty as charged there, I am also capable of keeping sensitive details private and I can keep secrets, even big ones...I just need to KNOW that something is "not for sharing." It isn't my default mode of operation. I try to be sensitive about certain things, but I am aware that my privacy thresholds are just really broad and liberal. So.

In other thoughts today. Fire asked me Monday night what I meant by "relationship." At the time I only had a clumsy answer to that. I said that friendship was certainly a big part of it, but that those I consider myself to have "relationships" with also generally have my ongoing sexual consent. That's true, but not really the whole picture.

What would then differentiate from "friends with benefits." In short, I think, it's a level of trust and openness. I've done the FWB thing a crap-ton of times in my life, most of my 34 partners during my teen years (age 14-18) were FWB. The great majority of them were. Now it's a big deal that these were muggle relationships. All of the assumption behavior of monogamous-by-default folk was there. So it meant, I was good enough to be a valued friend to some of them, and good enough to occasionally have sex with. But not good enough to openly acknowledge being "with" or to have as a "girlfriend." OR that I refused to be exclusive with them because I was not wanting to be locked into a relationship at that point. But most of them, were either between relationships or cheating on a girlfriend with me. Usually between relationships, very rarely cheating. One was supposed to be chaste for religious reasons, but was cheating on his God when he let me take his virginity. (I was a Satanist at the time, so...kind of a big deal actually.)

For some reason or another, I was just not quite girlfriend material for these partners. But a big feature that was typical, was that once they had a girlfriend in their lives, they usually not only stopped the benefits, they also ditched the friendship. Those girlfriends weren't gonna be ok with them continuing to be friends with a gal that their guy had slept with, casually or otherwise. That often hurt. That's where feeling "disposable" comes in.

And a few of those FWB guys also tried to leverage my affection for them into taking advantage...borrowing money, asking for favors...etc.

So a big difference there, is that I expect that I am valued and important to my "relationship" people, more than my "FWB" people. I expect to be treated with a somewhat greater degree of respect and consideration, and I try to do the same (although I feel I treated many of my FWB with more respect and consideration than I was shown.)

Just my thoughts, it is easier to define "what is a relationship" by asking "what does it mean when it's NOT a relationship."

Although of course there are two big modes of usage for that word...the light and loose meaning that is good for explaining relationship anarchy, where every interaction of any significance at all with another human being, IS a "relationship" of sorts, much in the way that when you place a pen next to a marker, the pen has a position in relationship to the marker on the table. And then there is the heavier, "RELATIONSHIP" word with all sorts of ~meanings~ attached. And then there's all the questions and assumptions that are cultural. Escalator stuff and entanglement and expectations and stuff. But there can definitely still be a "Relationship"...without all of that.

Frankly, it's just a matter of investment.

And for me, status. Because my "not-relationship" people just don't get nearly as much priority with me for my limited resources like time and effort.

 

[Spork]

Strange.

I feel back to normal today.

Still have all the same data in my brain as all week. Just not feeling soft and squishy, scared and vulnerable now. I can tell you, this is how I poke my emotional self with a stick to see if my shell is in place or not, and I know I'm good and safe and strong again... All week, the merest idea of asking Zen if he would just hold me and tell me that I was his, tears would spring up into my eyes even thinking of it. Every time I typed anything like that, I had to wait and wrestle myself under control. Today, I still think that would be a lovely thing, but it doesn't mess me up.

It's First Friday, and that means a night at the Underground, the labyrinthine gay bar downtown. Unfortunately it seems the place is under new management, and Zen and I used to shoot pool on FF and there was this whole back area that the kink folks had for this occasion. And we got in with no cover, by mentioning our group. Last month, things changed. They still let us in with no cover, but they had our area closed off to us, apparently they were holding a big hiphop dance party thing back there, and charging for entry. The pool cues have been put away. There were armed guards outside. Our people ended up all upstairs on the smoking patio. I often would hang out up there anyways, but this is not a good change for us. I asked if it was always going to be this way, and the bartender said, "maybe."

God I hope not.

They are mixing the leather and kink scene with a bunch of gang bangers. I'm not thrilled. If this continues, I imagine our group will select a new place to do First Fridays, which has happened before but no one wants to see it come to that, because we all love the Underground. I don't know what the new managers of the place were thinking of.

Well...profit, probably. But still.

This is the event where the one girl makes out with me, and she messaged me on fetlife saying that she was looking forward to kisses. Mmkay. Well anyways, it's a mix of good friends and interesting characters, and I'm looking forward to it regardless.

And tomorrow is the one play party I still regularly attend at Voodoo, which is always lots of fun.

 

[Spork]

So, it was indeed a big weekend.

First Fridays...well I found out that the bar I love is under new management and further, it was divided into two separate properties being managed by two different entities entirely. The back room and dance floor and catwalk areas where the kink crowd used to hang out now have the big hophop dance party going on. The comfortable furnishings from the front bar area have been removed. The pool table is now up there, which is good because it's not crammed up too close to a wall anymore, but bad because the new crowd of gang bangers and party kids is running around in there and often interfering with our shots. Zen and I shot one game, but between the human traffic in the way and the smoke from the fog machines in the dance area and the pot smoke, it was pretty unpleasant. Same as last month, our social group was upstairs on the smoking patio (a roof area) the whole time. We went to the smoking area to get out of the smoke! I honestly don't even know if it's a gay bar anymore. There are new bartenders and they don't even know how to make a lot of the mixed drinks people were trying to order, without looking it up on their phones. Pretty sad state of affairs.

So the girl who normally gets drunk and tries to make out with me, was very huggy and affectionate, but not kissing all over me. She did however get way too touchy on a male friend, I'll call him Viking for this entry. Viking is about my age, but in terms of life stages, he feels "too young" for me. He's a huge enormous tall and bulky man, not fat really just HUGE...and he was one of the first friends I made in the scene when I went out last year to my first events. He had me over for social gatherings at his house several times. At one point...because he was lonely, and because I was trying to get over the Worm King, I did have sex with him. But our energy was not a good match. He was a fine good partner, nothing wrong with him as such...I just felt we were a bit out of step, and neither of us was really blowing the other's mind in bed. I decided not to pursue that activity with him again, and to keep it on the "we are just friends" level...which we had already discussed and agreed upon anyways (to remain only friends.) Well anyhow, that's the backstory, and I am fond of him and respect him... Well he has a new girlfriend and they are very happy with each other, and I'm thrilled for him. I had been wishing good fortune upon him, and it's lovely to see some come his way. The girl who normally gets drunk and makes out with me, though, is newly engaged in attempted polyamory...but she doesn't seem to have any concept of other people's boundaries, and she was all over Viking, right in front of his new girlfriend, and without so much as a "by your leave" was groping him and loudly proclaiming that she was going to have them both come to her house for a "sex party" and she would do them both. And frankly, they are both pretty upset with her.

It's just disrespectful and honestly...immature. It's how I used to act when I was like 15 years old, as though I had any business just molesting any man I wished, and as though they had no reason to not want me to, because I was pretty and young and aggressive. My ideas about consent have come a long way since then. Furthermore if you recall the woman who burned my back at the tasting event a couple of months ago? She was trained by flirty-drunk-girl's husband. And he's got an ego, too.

The plot thickens... So I'll refer to Flirty's husband as OffTheHandle or "Off" for this post. (No need to remember these names, this is just an anecdote, they aren't important players in my life.) So when I first met them, and Off told me he was into fire play, I asked if he was acquainted with Supernova. He said, "I hate that guy, he's my fire nemesis!" I raised an eyebrow and thought nothing of it. Later found out that Off did a fire demo at an event early last year (before I was in the scene) where he attempted fire flogging but used a mop head attached to...a chain and handle, I guess?... And the mop head came loose and went flying into the audience and narrowly missed burning spectators before it was extinguished. So I'd say that his techniques are questionable at best, too. Illuminates a lot when it comes to the fire top who burned me, who apparently learned from him. Evidently, Supernova, who is a fire top of extensive reputation and long standing, but has some drama issues with some members of the community...had at one point tried to give Off some advice, and been rebuffed.

Well, Supernova has been sending me flirty messages almost every day for quite some time. I told him late last week that Off referred to him as his "fire nemesis" and it has utterly gone to his head. He finds it hilarious (so do I really) and Supernova attended First Fridays and we laughed and laughed about the whole thing. He said he was tempted to wear a cape and a false moustache and flick a lighter at the guy.

Supernova is a darling and an absolute hoot to hang out with anyways. But he did one particular thing that REALLY endeared him to me that night. I've been on and on about Zen and how in love with him I am and how wonderful he is for me. My quad is still a bit stand-offish towards him. Hefe tolerates him because he wants to come out and be where I am socially, even if Zen is there, too...so Hefe behaves in friendly ways to Zen, to a point. Supernova on the other hand...nudged past others, and past me, straight over to Zen and started just snuggling on him. They've met but they're not huge friends or anything...Supernova said, "Hey, you've been talking him up so much, I gotta get in on this, too." Zen snuggled him right back and the whole thing was just about the happiest, most adorable thing I've seen in a bit. It tickled me. Maybe it's part of my poly-ness or something, but a big way to get points with me is to be loving and accepting of that which I love. Even though he was mostly joking around, Supernova's actions put a smile on my face.

So that was First Fridays and I'll do another post for the rest of the weekend because this is already crazy long. (Yeah, I know. Walls of text. I'm no good at brevity. But nobody HAS to read this stuff!)

 

[Spork]

Saturday night, Zen and I went to the party at Voodoo together. The turnout was spectacular! Evidently, a big club in Denver was closed because the HVAC was down and it was too hot in the building. So lots of folks from Denver came down here to the Springs to attend at Voodoo. Hefe was there doing electricity, but there was another person also there doing it and he didn't get as many folks wanting to try it as usual. We did a scene but he packed it up kind of early. Several new friends I'd met at social gatherings previously were there for their first play party, and I welcomed them and made sure to spend some time talking to them so they felt welcome and not surrounded by strangers. And a couple of other friends who have generally been somewhat absent from the scene made an appearance, and it was fantastic to connect with them and talk to them.

Zen and I did an impact scene that completely happyspaced me. During aftercare, I was cuddled up to him thinking, "I cannot really imagine why anyone would NOT want this. All of this." It was just freaking wonderful.

Then Zen and I spend the night together, unfortunately I don't think either of us slept well...I've realized that I'm far more comfortable sleeping alone, and he isn't used to having anyone else in his bed, though he says he'd like more practice at it. The big payoff of doing that though, is that we get to play in the morning, which thus far has always been fun. I wish I could talk more details of the things we do...but I don't know anyone in person who really wants to hear me recount those details, so I don't feel I ought to type them out here necessarily, either. But our play is endlessly varied, constantly experimental, creative and joyful. I feel like where most of my partners have a limited repertoire of activity that we engage in...there just aren't any limits to Zen and I. He's like the ocean. Infinite. Everything and anything could happen, and there is always more. With any other partner, in my lifetime, I reach a point where I am happy to stop and do something else besides sex. With Zen, it can be difficult to do so. Even when we've both decided we are hungry and can hear our stomachs growling and we're going to stop and go get food, I have a hard time keeping my hands off him. The more he feeds my senses the hungrier I am.

And I asked him some pointed questions about his history and got some answers, and for some reason that helped me feel more secure. It's odd...it doesn't much matter what lies in the past of a lover, but I want to know. I want to have a clear idea of where they've come from and what they've got going on, when it comes to the subject of other partners. Not knowing, having question marks in the place of information...really makes me feel insecure. I have no idea why that's so scary to me, but on some level, it is.

Zen thinks that stories of his past, especially his sexual and romantic history, would just be boring to me. Nothing could be further from the truth. I want to know all about him. If he had a blog as exhaustive as mine, I'd read every word. But I don't want to be pushy. I only want him to share if he feels comfortable doing so, but him feeling comfortable enough to do so makes me feel secure and trusted.

So. Then on Sunday night I went and spent the night with Fire and Hefe. Fire put henna in my hair, which was an interesting experience. Her hair is lighter than mine, and she's been doing henna regularly for a long time, so hers is bright sexy red. I am dark haired, so it just put red highlights into it. I had essentially a mud pack on my head for five hours to accomplish just a bit of a tint, and while I enjoyed the girl time, I'm not certain that the payoff was quite worth it for me (insofar as continuing to do henna treatments.) Still, we watched some cool movies and later on, when Fire went (after me) to wash the henna out of her hair, Hefe initiated some sex play. It went from athletic to intense to overload, and was generally a fun romp. I only wish that Fire had been involved. She has often absented herself from our play in the past, though not always...and while I feel more awkward with "who is initiating what" when she is there, I also feel happier in the act once we get underway, when she is there. The few times I've had the pleasure of both of their hands on me at once, in whatever context (sexual or not) have been immensely enjoyable. I think I need to talk to them...I have some thoughts and ideas on ways we could enjoy each other more in the future.

Analyst is still really busy working on getting his property ready for sale, so he's absented himself from "social activities" for a while. I am thinking and hoping that we will have greater enjoyment when he is not stressed out anyways, so I'm stepping back and "hands off" and not pressuring him to do anything but accomplish his goals right now.

Then (and this is the last segment of my weekend recap) Zen and I got together yesterday for the 4th and took my sons to Manitou Springs, which is an artsy hippie funky kind of "old town" place nestled up in a canyon by the mountains. They were doing a fireworks display, which honestly wasn't that huge a big deal, but just spending time in Manitou is lots of fun. They have a historical "penny arcade" (few of the penny machines remain, but it's a bit arcade that's indoor and outdoor.) I made sure my boys had cash and knew where we were parked, and had fully charged cell phones, and sent them off to have fun on their own. Which, if they feel anything like I did as a teenager, would feel like a grand adventure. Zen and I went and wandered the shops, I bought a couple of inexpensive pairs of earrings, and he bought some unusual beef jerky (ahi tuna and buffalo) and we ate at a fancy wine bar. Neither of us drink, but we both love fancy cheese. We got a cheese board with three different types (the names of them escape me at the moment, but one was a brie...they were all delicious) and some baguette with oil, and wild boar salami, apple slices and fig preserves. Then coffee and ice cream. I had them slather my ice cream in honey. We found some Trivial Pursuit cards on a table and read each other questions while we sat in this rustic wine bar and ate fancy food. It was, dare I say it, rather romantic.

Then we went and sat on a wall at a small park to watch the fireworks. The boys rejoined us, the fireworks happened, and we went home.

And after all of that activity, I am not feeling the slightest bit "droppy" today. Which affirms to me that hormonal patterns probably play the greater part in my emotional difficulties. I plan to talk to Voodoo's owner about arranging for a "snuggles and movie" night on Monday night after Thunder in the Mountains. It's my next really risky time, but beyond that, Thunder is a tremendous kink convention attended by lots of Voodoo members...and there's a very good chance that regular drop from play, and event drop, will conspire to pack a wallop for lots of us. I think the idea is a good one. I hope I can make it happen...

 

[Magdlyn]

I am so happy that your relationship continues to grow and deepen with your man. It's really heartwarming to read about, especially knowing what you've gone through in your past. Blessed be!

 

[Spork]

I am so happy that your relationship continues to grow and deepen with your man. It's really heartwarming to read about, especially knowing what you've gone through in your past. Blessed be!

Thank you, Mags. I feel very, VERY blessed to have him.

Funny thing, as a teenager, I used to sort of parade my boys in front of my Mom and solicit her opinions on them. I don't know why, but I was showing off the fine young males I was enjoying in bed. My mom and I had a "best friend" relationship rather than a parent/child relationship. She always gave me her opinion. For what it's worth, she did NOT like my ex.

Well now, I'm not hung up on looks as much as she is. She likes much younger Hispanic, or Islander type partners (men and women) and is presently involved with a Peruvian man who is closer to my age I think, and a woman who lives in the Philippines and she's thinking about relocating her here and marrying her. (Where they will live gay married in the Ozarks, happily ever...what??) Yeah. Alrighty, Mom.

She is not, however, very poly, and is more trying to decide which of these two she will end up with, both are possessive and neither want to share. So it's a drama, always, with her anyhow.

So at this point, I adore my Mom and we have a great long distance relationship. We talk on the phone a lot. But her world is weird to me and full of life choices that don't play nice with the way I run my little world, I've realized it's not a good idea for us to live in too close a proximity. Her life is often chaotic, I can't deal with that and want control over things. And our tastes in partners are just...different.

But her voice, kind of has a life of its own in the back of my mind...I don't give it weight in my decisions...but when I think, "Other people wouldn't get this," or when I don't expect others to understand what I see in someone, it's HER voice that is directing that thought process. And frankly I think the only partner she'd approve of, in my life, right now, is Fire...because Fire is gorgeous and to my Mom, the more physically beautiful your partner, the more valuable they are. Full stop. She would like pretty young men who never speak, who just do as they are told without a word. She's dated people when they didn't even have a spoken language in common. I could NEVER do that, I'm pretty much sapiosexual, or damn close to it.

(Which drives a lot of MY love for Fire...she's beautiful and I can appreciate that, but it's her laugh and her character and her mind that really do it for me.)

So she dates people my age. I date at least one person, Zen, her age, and we don't agree anymore on what constitutes value in a partner, but hey. Here we are. It's a weird thing. I look at Zen and I see a package of concepts and feelings. I know that he isn't necessarily the sort of person to turn heads, but I KNOW HIM. I'm in love with the shape of his eyebrows, with the sound of his voice, with his eyes and his hands and his mind and his heart. I want to rub my face all over him like a cat. I want to give him every possible good thing. I don't really expect that some people would understand what I see in him...but I feel like that makes it even better. Because I'm in on it, like that great little restaurant that only the locals know about... I want to tell the world, "If you had the faintest idea, what an amazing lover this man was...let me tell you..." But then...would he be as amazing to them as he is, to me? Not every girl likes the darker shades of the spectrum of sensations, and those are some of what he's best at.

So it's funny. I kind of laugh at myself. I'm gushy and silly and in love. I'm enjoying it though. The real miracle, to me, is that he's letting me love him like this and he's loving me back. That's a wonder. It's almost too good to be true.

 

[Spork]

I want to share a thought, before it vanishes from my mind.

I tend to have nightmares, or at least really bizarre dreams when I get too hot while sleeping. I went home after work last night, and I was just TIRED so I napped a bit before I got anything else accomplished. And it was hot in the apartment, we have A/C but it doesn't always seem to reach back to my bedroom, it's just a wall unit in the living room. So yeah, hot room, weird dreams.

Seemed to have a play on the name "Zodiac Killer"...only in my dream it was the plot of like a movie, only I was an invisible witness, but it wasn't like life. It was like a weird special effects film. With a color palette of dirty bronze and browns, black and dark, if anyone has seen the movies "Hellboy II" "9" and/or "Pan's Labyrinth" it bore some similarities in feel to those. No coincidence that two of those three are Guillermo Del Toro films, and the third is just as creepy in its own way.

So the plot was that these horribly scary and creepy automatons...like...robots, but more clockwork, part monster, some kind of creature-ish, and all incredibly weird looking and each completely unique... They live in some alternate world, a hidden world, but close to ours. There are twelve of them. And each has some connection to a sign of the western Zodiac but not in an obvious way, and I don't know why it mattered. And one of them is a murderer of human beings. This is apparently disturbing enough to the rest, that they feel the need to find out which one it is, though it's not clear if they intend to make it/him stop. It might simply be a diversion to unravel the mystery. But they don't feel that they can (should?) do this themselves. So they abduct a human child to do it. Because of course that somehow makes sense.

The thing is, the entire unfolding of the story is accompanied by the fact that every expression and every interaction of these...things...is calculated to be bizarre and scary and make you think that surely THAT is a killer, and they interact with the child throughout. Lots of scares and startles, and a general sense of high anxiety pervades the entire thing. I remember at the end, one that is shaped approximately like a brown, frumpy little woman doll of a thing, but with hair in a bowl cut, reveals that she knows who the killer is, and can therefore no longer participate in the game. A more clockwork one says, "You know? Why do you not say?" And her face stretches vertically in a mechanical laugh, all huge eyes, long, dark, cavernous stretched mouth, and teeth that look like wood, "Yes, I know" and laughing a "eh-eh-eh-eh" laugh more like a machine than a living thing, and walking away, head falling back on her neck and that laugh just continuing.

Anyhow it made me wish that I could animate and make films, but this is not a skill I have, in the slightest. I have the images in my mind, but besides describing them...maybe sketching them...they're not going to become anything. I woke up thinking what a cool movie it would be with all of the creepy mechanical monsters in my mind.

 

[Vulpis]

Why not write a short story, or a screenplay even. Get all of those neat images out of your brain before you forget them.

 

[Spork]

Why not write a short story, or a screenplay even. Get all of those neat images out of your brain before you forget them.

I want to draw them or sculpt them actually. I might, at some point.

Of course I say this, but I'm notoriously awful at getting down to making art, and I have a number of ideas cluttering up my mind that I need to do.

 

[Spork]

I was thinking of this when replying on Reverie's blog...but it's my stuff, so I'm putting it here (so confusing lol!)

I was thinking, that with my emotions blazing high for Zen, finally I am free of longing for the Worm King. And I am. I actually kind of don't want him to invite me to his place, I actually don't feel any real draw to him now.

I still...love him?...I guess? I don't exactly revoke love. But it's more like I remember what loving him felt like, with a mild nostalgia, but going to revisit it if I could might be more hassle than it's worth. I finally feel comfortable with his memory in my mind and heart. No strong feelings spring up.

And I thought, that now that I have all of this intensity for Zen, that has driven thoughts of the Worm King away (finally.)

But now I wonder. Because it wasn't so long ago that I got peace and an answer for a question that had bothered me, when a friend told me that this is simply how WK treats women. Her friend had a similar experience with him. So, I really was nothing special. He does this all the time. Fires up a new fling on OKC or something, and has an intense little sexual affair with them for a short time, and then flakes out over a matter of weeks, leaving the woman wondering what on earth SHE did wrong. It's his MO. It's just what he does.

For some reason, learning this helped me get peace. He wouldn't tell me anything, and I asked all sorts of questions of him. He was always just evasive and dodgy and weird.

I kind of think, I almost had to finally get free of that preoccupation, emotionally, before my heart could really be fully PRESENT and engaged with another person...and when the time was right, and I was ready, that was when I really dove in.

Of course...another factor, too, is that I finally got enough emotional distance to stop feeling compelled and responsible to maintain Old Wolf. I began to say "no" to his requests that I come and sit and listen to him. That is not so much getting over a love or a passion, but taking myself back. Cutting off the conduit by which he would try to drain my energy.

A lot of...closure...

Whatever happened, I'm glad it did. These processes are interesting to me, though. It's kind of a "chicken and egg" thing, I suppose.

 

[Spork]

I'm so tired. God I hate being this tired. I feel like I'm going to fall over.

Can't blame anything, just...I think I needed more sleep than I got. Another day, 6 hours might have been plenty. Today, I'm just exhausted. Wish I had time for a nap, but I've got too much to get accomplished today...it sucks...

Worth it though! Zen time. He came over and we watched a couple of movies and I made tacos and enchiladas.

We watched "Wizards" and "Free Enterprise." We are nerds. It's lovely.

 

[Tinwen]

And after all of that activity, I am not feeling the slightest bit "droppy" today. Which affirms to me that hormonal patterns probably play the greater part in my emotional difficulties.

If it helps any, I always try to take the emotionally sensitive time of my cycle (the pms week) as a gift. Kind of a barometre. All issues surface, every nagging little bit of inconvenience in my life and relationships, that I would otherwise ignore as "not important enough, got stuff to do", and I can have a look at them. My "I would like to" which is often so hard to define shows itself more clearly. There's usually a leading theme, so that I can say "oh, I've been jealous here, I didn't realize it's important", or "oh, I really would like to perform better at work, let's focus on that". And you know what's even better? The week or two immediately after it, the most empowered time of my cycle, I've actually got the energy to take action on my issues. So, having a cycle can be a great tool

 

[Spork]

If it helps any, I always try to take the emotionally sensitive time of my cycle (the pms week) as a gift. Kind of a barometre. All issues surface, every nagging little bit of inconvenience in my life and relationships, that I would otherwise ignore as "not important enough, got stuff to do", and I can have a look at them. My "I would like to" which is often so hard to define shows itself more clearly. There's usually a leading theme, so that I can say "oh, I've been jealous here, I didn't realize it's important", or "oh, I really would like to perform better at work, let's focus on that". And you know what's even better? The week or two immediately after it, the most empowered time of my cycle, I've actually got the energy to take action on my issues. So, having a cycle can be a great tool

Huh! Wow... That is worth thinking about.

Yeah I don't understand why I'm so emotional in the few days to a week following the end of my period. That is just weird, to me. I'm also kind of tender inside my abdomen, a little uncomfortable, at that time, too. I don't have cramps or issues before or during...only after.

Being a woman is a whole weird business anyways though. I like being female, but sometimes I envy men the relative ease of their biology.

But ruminating on certain issues definitely brought up some stuff. Fire and I talked, and from simply saying that I was afraid of being vulnerable with Zen, we extrapolated the fact that I'm actually quite afraid of being vulnerable at all. Which is...actually...very true. I'm afraid to dance in front of people, to sing (I don't have a good singing voice anyhow) or to attempt to learn an instrument with a human teacher. I have deep fears about doing things in front of people where I don't really know how, and I think I might just fail clumsily, and I might be embarrassed. I feel that my voice is made for snark and smarts, and trying to talk sexy just sounds lame and dumb, and it's been a struggle to overcome it at all, to vocalize and verbalize on sexual topics or during the act. I feel a shrinking inside, like I want to hide from the world.

And I apparently hide it really well. I'm full of uncertainties. I'm sometimes insecure, anxious. I can occasionally fall into really dark and self-neglectful depressions. I do NOT have it all together...I'm as human as anybody. But I am told that there are people in the community who don't know me as well, who think I have it all together and I'm really chill and well adjusted. Like I know what I am doing or something. I don't! Ha! I'm just here, trying my best. Trying to be brave, sometimes. Trying to do good. Writing the script as I go.

I think I'm pretty sane. Fairly functional. Mostly harmless.

But I am far from perfect. Anyways, this fear of vulnerability, this was the concept to examine that came out of my last round of hormonal wonkyness, last week. And it's been interesting.

I tend to learn stuff about myself after I go through some turbulence.

 

[Spork]

Got together with Zen again last night. We are seeing a lot of each other mostly because he is still not back to work following his wrist and ankle injuries, they are working on the paperwork and the process to get him back and that might be next week. So as he says, "make hay while the sun shines"...we have the time, it's been easy for both of us, and we are enjoying it.

Had fried ice cream at a Mexican place near my apartment. Talked about "serious" things. How we feel, what it means to each of us, many of my curiosities about his life were satisfied and we touched on some possible future outcomes for us. This did not feel...overly heavy, to me. A little awkward at moments here and there, both in how I felt trying to find words for challenging topics, and as I could sense some tension in him here and there...but in general, far more comfortable than I could imagine such a conversation being with anyone else.

I found it very interesting to hear his perceptions on what love means, to him specifically in this situation, to "men" and to "women" in his generalized thinking, and so on. We come from very different places. He has not had a serious relationship and I've had a whole heap of not-serious ones and one serious but not very good one. Well. I guess "good" or not depends on how you measure it and who you ask. Not good in some important ways, unfortunately, and definitely built on promises that couldn't be kept.

Still. I am allowed to love as I do in this, I am not clinging too tightly or annoying him or making him think, "Jeez woman, just leave me alone already." He's comfortable with this. And that is all I ask for. He is happy to have me in his life. He is...perhaps a bit more rational in his love of me, than I am lately towards him. I find it reassuring to my usually practical soul, because the things he says make more sense than many of the thoughts in my head. I can barely even talk about any of this without diving headlong into florid hyperbole and sacchariferous sentimental metaphors. Now I know why people who are silly in love often write insufferable poetry. I feel a little insufferable. I'm glad he is not finding me to be so.

The important part of this seems to be, "In what way do your feelings drive your actions?" Because we are quite clear that the typical assumptions of the escalator simply do not apply. They are not appropriate to my wishes or his, to either of our life stages where we are at. He doesn't want to reproduce and I cannot do so (tubes tied) nor do I wish to do that again. I'm not seeking a father figure for my sons, and he isn't gunning for such a position. I have uncertainties and he has uncertainties (in terms of changes life is likely to deal to each of us.) Certain possibilities can be discussed in a rather abstract, "would you consider XYZ one day?" but not more definitively than that, and this is perfectly comfortable...at least for me. I think also probably for him. The idea that a woman might be in love but not making a bunch of plans for the subject of her love is maybe a novelty in Zen's understanding of the female creature. But where I'm at...what we have and what we're doing is wonderful. What am I driven to do? I am driven to give of myself, and I am driven to enjoy the pleasure of my sensory experience of him like a cat soaks up sunshine.

And it really doesn't have to be a heck of a lot more complicated than that.

 

[icesong]

I am driven to enjoy the pleasure of my sensory experience of him like a cat soaks up sunshine.

That was one hell of a turn of phrase. I may steal it.