So, my BF and I share a hobby. Actually he's had this hobby for a long time and introduced me to it, and I am still in the NRE stage with this hobby where I try to learn stuff, acquire skills and read a lot about it.
I joined an online forum about it. After browsing for a while I noticed BF's avatar. I did not know he was on this forum, we had never talked about it. I clicked on some of his posts, thinking that since he knows so much more about this, I could learn something.
But I soon noticed that it wasn't just technical stuff about this hobby, but more personal stuff he was writing about as well (a bit like when someone who blogs over here about poly, also mentions kids / pets or what they had for lunch). He mentioned being poly and having 2 girlfriends, and he referred to us as GF#1 and GF#2 (me being the #2). This did not bother me because chronologically, she was there first.
Honestly I should have stopped reading at this point. But I didn't, and then I read a post where he referred to Lin (other gf) as his "primary", and that.... bothered me a lot.
He has never mentioned any hierarchy in his 2 relationships. (She and I are both married)
He is always super careful when he talks to me about her, or when he talks to me about how talks to others about the 2 of us (he loves telling poly stories to his co workers for instance and will tell me what he said and what the response was etc) to treat her and me as equals. He has said things like 'i don't like it when i spend more money on one of you than the other' or 'i want to spend equal amounts of time with both of you'. He has never cancelled on me to be with her. These are his words, and to some extent, actions. However, there have been little things over the past months that have made me feel that indeed she has more 'rights' or is more important... meeting his family, for instance, travelling with him etc. He has SAID there is no reason I can't do these things, but they don't happen, and seeing the word 'primary' on the computer screen, referring to her, kind of made sense.
I stopped reading after that. It's been a couple of days and it has been on my mind. I want to talk to him about it but I am not sure how. I feel like I somehow invaded his privacy, even though this was on a public forum and I wasn't actively snooping (but should have stopped reading). To be clear, it's not that I want to be 'just as important' as she is. Well I kind of want that. But what I want more is for him to be honest about it.... if he were to tell me yes I consider her my primary, and that means this and this and this, but you are very important to me as well, and that means this and this and this...I would accept that. I am very happy with my relationship with him, I feel our love is still growing, we are very close and enjoying each other a lot... but I feel confused about this. And I don't know if I should talk to him or not, and if I talk to him, how to do it. Ugh.
I joined an online forum about it. After browsing for a while I noticed BF's avatar. I did not know he was on this forum, we had never talked about it. I clicked on some of his posts, thinking that since he knows so much more about this, I could learn something.
But I soon noticed that it wasn't just technical stuff about this hobby, but more personal stuff he was writing about as well (a bit like when someone who blogs over here about poly, also mentions kids / pets or what they had for lunch). He mentioned being poly and having 2 girlfriends, and he referred to us as GF#1 and GF#2 (me being the #2). This did not bother me because chronologically, she was there first.
Honestly I should have stopped reading at this point. But I didn't, and then I read a post where he referred to Lin (other gf) as his "primary", and that.... bothered me a lot.
He has never mentioned any hierarchy in his 2 relationships. (She and I are both married)
He is always super careful when he talks to me about her, or when he talks to me about how talks to others about the 2 of us (he loves telling poly stories to his co workers for instance and will tell me what he said and what the response was etc) to treat her and me as equals. He has said things like 'i don't like it when i spend more money on one of you than the other' or 'i want to spend equal amounts of time with both of you'. He has never cancelled on me to be with her. These are his words, and to some extent, actions. However, there have been little things over the past months that have made me feel that indeed she has more 'rights' or is more important... meeting his family, for instance, travelling with him etc. He has SAID there is no reason I can't do these things, but they don't happen, and seeing the word 'primary' on the computer screen, referring to her, kind of made sense.
I stopped reading after that. It's been a couple of days and it has been on my mind. I want to talk to him about it but I am not sure how. I feel like I somehow invaded his privacy, even though this was on a public forum and I wasn't actively snooping (but should have stopped reading). To be clear, it's not that I want to be 'just as important' as she is. Well I kind of want that. But what I want more is for him to be honest about it.... if he were to tell me yes I consider her my primary, and that means this and this and this, but you are very important to me as well, and that means this and this and this...I would accept that. I am very happy with my relationship with him, I feel our love is still growing, we are very close and enjoying each other a lot... but I feel confused about this. And I don't know if I should talk to him or not, and if I talk to him, how to do it. Ugh.