It's a Texlahoma Story

[Tinwen]

It's hard sometimes to be here, and see how hard everyone works on their relationships, and not wonder what's wrong with me, that I could just walk away from mine. It's hard to hear "all my partners are equally loved and important", and not feel guilty that I could give up Dag, but could never, ever, ever, ever lose Andy. And sometimes it's just hard to be surrounded by folks who love deeply in all manner of crazy situations, and be the weirdo who prefers boring marriage, and not feel emotionally stunted.

You really do work hard on your relationships, it's clear from your blog!
And... it goes the other way round too I read and feel that you marriage and circle of friends must be so great (well... I wouldn't prefer the gardening), and I wonder if I can ever have something like that. You're def not someone who can't maintain their relationship.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I read and feel that you marriage and circle of friends must be so great.....and I wonder if I can ever have something like that.

Me too.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

It's hard sometimes to be here, and see how hard everyone works on their relationships, and not wonder what's wrong with me, that I could just walk away from mine. It's hard to hear "all my partners are equally loved and important", and not feel guilty that I could give up Dag, but could never, ever, ever, ever lose Andy. And sometimes it's just hard to be surrounded by folks who love deeply in all manner of crazy situations, and be the weirdo who prefers boring marriage, and not feel emotionally stunted.

For the record, I don't feel that I work particularly "hard" on my relationships. They happen, they work. Sometimes we have bad days, weeks, months. If they were "work" everyday - instead of 99% positive with a few rough patches - I would be out (real fast!). Some of this has to do with the length of the relationship. 3 months of "rough" with MrS - in a 20+ year span, is doable. 1 week of "rough" with Dude - in a 5 year span, was hard.

I have LOVED being married to MrS for the last several decades, he is so easy to be with, in so many ways. I would fight infinitely harder to preserve this than any other relationship/friendship that I have ever been in, because it has been so positive in so many ways over a very long time-frame. Does this mean that I don't love Dude? no. It means that our relationship hasn't had the opportunity to express this yet (although our recent blow-up and resolution pointed us in that direction).

I have "other" relationships as well, and, I think, that these are more akin to what you are feeling...If they end, then they end, and I will miss the connection and get over it. I wouldn't "fight" for them...as they haven't ever developed into "something worth fighting for". For me? That doesn't mean that they weren't worth "having" but that they never developed into the "working for/fighting for" realm. Not a failure, just a fact.

 

[Spork]

If only I knew what that was... Is Relationship Escalator a love language

I mean, I've read the love languages book, I've taken the quiz. I always score off the charts on Words and low on everything else. Eh, words are very important to me, but they're not enough all by themselves. I think the way the test was written didn't measure me very well Physical touch is super important to me, but it's not what makes me feel loved. And I also have a weird hybrid Gifts/Acts of Service/Quality time thing that is hard to explain...

I don't care if someone buys me flowers. But I do cherish gifts from the heart. It made me feel loved when my best friend in high school bought a Barbie car, painted it the EXACT color of my car with Hard Candy nail polish, and put Barbies that looked like us in it for my Christmas present.

Washing the dishes, cleaning the house... I'd rather do that stuff myself so it gets done my way! But I got all warm and fuzzy when R took one look at the lake house plans and started planning how he'd help

As for time... The love languages book talks a lot about turning of the tv and staring at each other while talking about feelings, which strikes me as both incredibly boring and somewhat creepy. On the other hand... Celebrating birthdays and holidays together is HUGE to me. It makes me feel loved that I'm invited to all of K's kids performances. It makes me feel loved that D showed up to both my dogs' graduations from puppy kindergarten. It makes me feel loved that T and D2 came out to meet everyone at the lake last weekend.

I just love doing stuff with my people. Not just "fun" stuff but big projects and mundane daily shit. When I was in college, I organized group grocery shopping runs, because why not make the boring crap a fun night out?

My happiest moments are when I'm surrounded by my friends. I was a weird outcast of a kid, with my nose in a book, hippie parents and homemade clothes. I felt so *apart* from the normal kids. I didn't really have friends until high school, when I could finally socialize in a bigger group, and without having to get rides or permission from my parents or my crazy relatives. And it was like heaven, finally feeling accepted, finally feeling like I belonged - finding the family I'd missed out on growing up in crazy town.

Since then I've made my friends my priority, I don't take them for granted, I know how lucky I am to have so many incredibly amazing people to love. I'm also lucky Andy is the same way. Neither of us has ever felt the need to limit or police each other's friendships. Quite the opposite. Seeing Andy with Steph or K or any of his friends... That's the ultimate heart bursting love and happiness. I just love how close he is with them. It breaks my heart in the most amazingly wonderful way.

So hmmmm... Is Hang Out With My Friends a love language? Wait, wasn't that a line in a Spice Girls song

I had issues with the love languages thing, too.

I felt like, if I saw the words, "a small gift" one more time...

I agree, the problem with that questionnaire is that there are some expressions of those things that mean something, and others that don't!

I'd rather someone bought me some candy or small food thing that was SPECIFICALLY something I like, that I mentioned once and they remembered, than a diamond ring because "girls like diamonds, right?"

Some gifts are very meaningful. Some are not!

I do agree with mine that ranked Words the highest, just because if I am parted from a loved one and feeling shaky, words can settle me if nothing else is available. And I do take words to heart, and I get most insecure if I have questions, and if I'm given answers (words) I can be made secure and comfortable that way.

And Acts of Service ranked lowest for me...well, there are many acts of service (including a number of the ones on the list) that would in fact make me uncomfortable if someone tried to do them for me. I don't necessarily wish to receive acts of service. But when I'm blazing in love, I do like to give them sometimes.

So it's tricky. I think the love languages thing might be a good starting point for each of us to figure out our own individual style using borrowed concepts from that, but as it is presented, it has a lot of flaws.

Oh and you were talking about people working on their relationships and everyone being equal and whatnot. Reminds me, in my local community more than one person has said something to the effect that my poly group is so cool, we don't seem to have the issues many have, or that I seem to have things so together and stuff. That is just...no. Nope. I don't have any idea what I'm doing. I'm totally making it up as I go. And I don't have it together at all, I just do a convincing job of ACTING like I do.

But one thing I've been saying a lot lately is this: "Write your own damn script!" Because it becomes clearer to me all the time, that what happiness looks like for one of us, isn't the same as what it looks like for another. Nobody has the answer. No one really has it all together. Not really.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Thanks to everyone for all the support here... It means a lot to read it, even though I haven't felt up to responding.

Having some space to think about things has been really good for me. It's ironic because, wasn't this blog supposed to be my place to think about things? But sometimes I have a hard time being fully honest here. I worry about offending people. I worry about seeming weak or needy, and being judged or pitied.

I talked with Dag, about feeling insecure and unhappy and stressed. We had a wonderful couple of weeks, going to lunch, to movies, brainstorming ideas for the lake house. Friend stuff, but also very romantic, lots of kisses and cuddles and I-love-yous. I missed him when we were apart, but in a normal, "this person is awesome so I miss them" way. Things felt good.

And then we had sex, amazing sex, and all my insecurities and tears came back with a vengeance. Sex with him just triggers this desperate need in me for more, more, more. I want to sleep next to him, wake up and make him breakfast, spend every second with him. Not being able to do those things wrecks me.

I have a hard time admitting this because - God, I just sound like such a fucking GIRL. Such a cliche. I don't want to be the stereotypical needy, clingy, dependent girl. I don't want to be such a slave to hormones and biology, either. I hate that I can't be one of those, "sex is no big deal" types. But I can't. And I need to face that. Because avoiding it - and not wanting to admit here that sex makes me bonkers - has made me insanely search for something, anything, else that could explain my freak outs.

But when I'm truly honest with myself ... It just HURTS to have sex with someone and then have them go home to someone else He leaves and I feel broken, bruised, battered. Alone, abandoned, and ashamed.

Being honest with myself about this has helped. I can see how not wanting to feel this way has driven me to avoid sex with Dag, push the friend part of our relationship, and zone out emotionally when we do make love. Whether I wanted to think about it or not, having an intense sexual connection with Dag meant pain and sadness in the aftermath. I was trying to avoid that pain.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if there's some amount of togetherness that will ease the after-sex sadness - or if I should just walk away before I hurt anymore.

 

[playfulgirl]

I can't do the sex without overnight snuggles either. It's just something I need to feel connected. Never or rarely getting to sleep all night in my lovers arms would break my heart a tiny piece at a time. It's a need I'm very clear about with my partners. For me, I need that intimacy. I'd rather see someone less and have that time together than lots of date nights where my lover leaves after a few hours.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I wish I could stop comparing my relationships to everyone else's

I read playfulgirl's comment and immediately thought, She gets more overnights than me! It must be because she's prettier/smarter/funnier/cooler than me. I suck and I'm a failure

And it took me all day to break that thought pattern. To remember that 1) Dag has a special needs kid who CANNOT HANDLE changes in routine, 2) I can't do overnights very often anyway because I have dogs who become needy at 5am, and 3) overnights probably wouldn't help me deal, anyway - I don't usually feel any better after those.

It's pretty amazing Dag and I manage an overnight every couple of months, honestly.

If I asked, I know he'd try to make more frequent overnights happen, even if it cost him at home. Or, something more helpful to me than overnights. One thing I have realized is that if I say, "hey, I need this, it's important" he will do everything he can. Dag likes to daydream, and he'll throw out ideas all the time - lets get an apartment! let's go to Chicago! - and he assumes I do the same thing. So a lot of my requests don't register as "real". I need to say, super clearly, this is a real thing I want in real life

I just wish I knew what to ask for. What, if anything, would make this relationship feel "right" to me. Because deep inside, it just feels so very wrong that I can't plan a future and a life with him.

I'm going to have to transition this to "just friends" eventually. It just hurts too damn much, too much of the time.

 

[Leetah]

I know the dragging pain of needing more than circumstances allow, 2+ years of LDR can do that. I wonder though, why you cannot make plans for a future? Don't you make speculative plans with your best friends? Like "When the kids are old enough to go to camp we'll all go on an adults only cruise" or "When we are old and grey we will all move to a retirement home in New Mexico and take up Native American underwater basket weaving" is there some actual official endpoint you and Dag have that precludes planning?

Lee tah

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I wonder though, why you cannot make plans for a future? Don't you make speculative plans with your best friends? Like "When the kids are old enough to go to camp we'll all go on an adults only cruise" or "When we are old and grey we will all move to a retirement home in New Mexico and take up Native American underwater basket weaving" is there some actual official endpoint you and Dag have that precludes planning?

No, no end point, and we do make "plans" like that. The same way I do with all my friends. It's just... Those plans will never be "we'll buy a house and have a garden and walk the dog together every night". There's no nesting.

No matter how often I see him, or how long he stays, he eventually goes home. I'm not his home. And when I've been sleeping with someone for 18 months... Everything in me says, by now we should be each other's home. Each other's center. Each other's anchor.

None of this is Dag's fault ... It's just the nature of this. And most of the time, I understand that, and I'm fine with it. I'm happy with the level of entanglement I have with my friends, and when Dag and I are mostly doing the friend thing, I'm happy to have that level of entanglement with him, too. But then we have sex, and my brain goes haywire. Like, I fantasize about having kids with him, and I don't even want kids!

The feeling passes, once it's been a few days since we made love. I get back to normal me, happy to have Dag in my life, happy with my life. But those few days... Fuuuuuck they are hard. I am irrationally angry at Dag and everything he says or does just drives me nuts. It's like having the worst PMS ever for 72 hours after every sex session.

I guess I'm just starting to wonder if it's worth it, for me, having multiple sexual relationships.

 

[Magdlyn]

That's a pretty strong hormonal reaction to an hour or two of sex. It sounds exhausting.

 

[Reverie]

Like, I fantasize about having kids with him, and I don't even want kids!

OMG, I've been through that too! I was an on-the-fencer-leaning-toward-no about kids for a looooong time, but meeting and sleeping with Rider totally tried to trick my hormonal brain for a moment. Even worse, when we both slept with Oona, I started fantasizing about siblings with a shared father. Like, NO! None of us actually want kids! I blame hormone la-la-las, all the way. To even entertain that thought seems totally ludicrous outside of the haze of it.

Even when I first started sleeping with Sam, some twisted part of my brain imagined cuddling a soft little baby with bright blue eyes...it's just the species' way of propagating itself, improbably, against our overpopulated-Earth, happy-with-independent-lives, logical brains. It must be normal or something...goodness knows I'm happy I've never given in!

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

That's a pretty strong hormonal reaction to an hour or two of sex. It sounds exhausting.

Who said it only lasted an hour or two

OMG, I've been through that too! I was an on-the-fencer-leaning-toward-no about kids for a looooong time, but meeting and sleeping with Rider totally tried to trick my hormonal brain for a moment. Even worse, when we both slept with Oona, I started fantasizing about siblings with a shared father. Like, NO! None of us actually want kids! I blame hormone la-la-las, all the way. To even entertain that thought seems totally ludicrous outside of the haze of it.

Even when I first started sleeping with Sam, some twisted part of my brain imagined cuddling a soft little baby with bright blue eyes...it's just the species' way of propagating itself, improbably, against our overpopulated-Earth, happy-with-independent-lives, logical brains. It must be normal or something...goodness knows I'm happy I've never given in!

I'm glad I'm not the only crazy one!

I've had periods of that "I want to marry you and make adorable babies" thing with everyone I've slept with for any length of time. I'm usually able to see it for what it is - daydreams, fantasy, hormones - and just kind of sit with the feeling until it passes. (Every few years I get a little baby crazy on Andy, usually when there is an especially cute and well behaved baby at work, and he has learned to just ride it out with me ) Even when it's pure fantasy, like with my ex, where we were both happily married... It doesn't usually feel like a negative thing.

But with Dag... Ugh. I feel guilty and stupid and all kinds of awful for thinking that way. Why I wish I knew. Because I get in this pattern. Things are good, we have great sex, I dream of houses and babies... And then I feel bad about it and try to stop thinking that way, which makes me resent Dag and sulk and feel off-kilter.

Looking back at this blog, I can kind of watch the waves of my emotions - I love him! I miss him! No, I don't, we're just friends and I don't give a shit and he sucks anyway! I'm So. Damn. Tired. of that roller coaster. But I can't ... How do I explain this? I can't sustain the love-romance-sex emotions without the I-wanna-marry-him emotions. So in trying to stop wanting the nesting stuff, I end up diminishing my romantic feelings for him.

I just don't know how to stop it, other than to stop sleeping with Dag

I wonder sometimes, if I could just let myself feel those feelings, those "I wish we could have xyz" feelings... If they would work their way out of my system eventually??? If maybe stamping them down and fighting them is just ensuring they come back again later??? But there's that voice in my head, saying, "You're not allowed to feel that! You're not supposed to want that!"

 

[Tinwen]

I wonder sometimes, if I could just let myself feel those feelings, those "I wish we could have xyz" feelings... If they would work their way out of my system eventually??? If maybe stamping them down and fighting them is just ensuring they come back again later??? But there's that voice in my head, saying, "You're not allowed to feel that! You're not supposed to want that!"

I don't know if they would make it out of your system or not. They may go away. They may stay but become insignificant to you. They may grow and then you might have to end the sex part anyway. But I am sure that just letting them be what they are is sooo much better then fighting them...

 

[Reverie]

I wonder sometimes, if I could just let myself feel those feelings, those "I wish we could have xyz" feelings... If they would work their way out of my system eventually??? If maybe stamping them down and fighting them is just ensuring they come back again later??? But there's that voice in my head, saying, "You're not allowed to feel that! You're not supposed to want that!"

I've discovered that, for me, if ANYONE (including me) is trying to tell me what I'm "allowed to" or "supposed to" feel, it doesn't end well. I went through this whole thing back in...oh, late spring(?), of last year where I was feeling jealousy and I was SO upset at myself for feeling it that I was bottling it up and trying to "fake it till I make it" because I wasn't "supposed to be" jealous. I felt like a bad poly.

And you know what?

As soon as I let go of what I was "supposed to feel" and just allowed myself to feel what I felt and admit it to Rider and let it flow out through me to the other side, I felt a lot better. It wasn't GONE by any means, but I wasn't suppressing my authentic self anymore, so I felt just better about being me.

So I highly recommend that.

But there is a difference between "letting yourself feel them" and "dwelling and obsessing." Just feeling them, and understanding that feelings aren't something we control and that they come and go seems to work. Wallowing in them and purposefully indulging or ramping them up is probably counterproductive. It took me a little while to learn the difference, actually.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

... But there's that voice in my head, saying, "You're not allowed to feel that! You're not supposed to want that!"

How about? "You ARE allowed to feel that. You are NORMAL for wanting that. And...it's NOT going to happen." Grieve your loss, so you can get over it.

I DID want babies, that didn't happen, I cried...life went on. Dude happened, rinse and repeat...

Where are your "supposed to" feelings coming from? You don't have to be anyone but your own actual self! If a relationship is causing you so much angst that you are doubting it, why are you in it? (I'm not talking about a momentary glitch, but a existential crisis...)

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I've been trying, these last few days, to just feel and not judge my feelings. It has helped It's strange how when I let one layer of feelings out, another surfaces, and another... I had a lot of bottled up emotions I wasn't dealing with at all.

I'm very much a person who can and will just put my emotions on a shelf in a box marked "Deal With Later". It's a survival skill when you grow up in a crisis-a-minute crazy family. And it serves me well at work, I can see the saddest, scariest, most heart-breaking things and just stay focused on doing my job and getting shit done. But sometimes, I forget to go back and process all the emotions I've stuffed back there

There's a thread somewhere on this forum about "describe your ideal poly set up". I've never replied to it, and I think that's because I knew writing out my answer would force me to face some tough emotions. My ideal poly life would be poly only in theory. Well, for me. I'd want my partner to do whatever makes them happy - I love seeing Andy with his friend-girls, I love how happy they make him, I would not give that up. But for myself? I do cherish the freedom and openness of poly, but the reality of juggling multiple relationships sucks. I'd be happiest having one partner, and having the freedom to explore, but never acting on it beyond flirting and the occasional drunken make-out session.

It's just too damn hard on me, trying to separate sex from the "you and me, happily ever after" stuff. Sex, romance, and life partnership just feel better together for me. Give me one, and I want the others. Take one away, the others kind of lose something.

I've mentioned before that Andy has kinks I don't share, and that we opened our marriage so we could both find sex partners with whom we were more compatible. I don't think I've ever mentioned that his kink is cross dressing. It's such a libido killer for me I actually enjoy helping him get dressed up, and going out with him, or just hanging around and doing his nails. But... It's not sexy, to me, at all. I like my guys in suits or LL Bean flannel, not lingerie. So our sex life is kind of hit or miss. I can do the kink stuff for him, handjobs, blowjobs, toys. And that's fun, but not at all a sexual release for me, I don't even get aroused doing it. Andy tries to do the slightly-rough-vanilla sex that I like, but his heart (and his cock) just aren't into it.

And I want sex with someone who's into it. Someone who enjoys the same things I do, who isn't doing it just for me, but for their own pleasure, too. Maybe that seems like a minor distinction, but to me it's important.

Dating other people seemed like the perfect solution. For Andy, I think it has been. He has online FWBs to trade pics and fantasies with. He has Steph and Anna-Louise. For me... I've had great boyfriends, but there's also just been so much heartache.

I guess the strongest emotion I have right now is sadness, and grief, that I didn't get the perfect mono life I wanted. Having to get my sexual needs met through other partners is a second choice option for me. It's better than losing Andy, and it's better than resenting him or being sexually frustrated. But it's not my ideal. I thought it could be wonderful, but it's basically been more trouble than it's worth.

It feels damn good to admit that, though. To be honest and say, maybe I can make this work, or maybe I can't, but either way, I wish I didn't have to try.

Where are your "supposed to" feelings coming from? You don't have to be anyone but your own actual self! If a relationship is causing you so much angst that you are doubting it, why are you in it? (I'm not talking about a momentary glitch, but a existential crisis...)

A lot of the "supposed to" emotions come from feeling like I'm betraying everyone by even thinking those thoughts. Andy, who trusts me not to do the life entanglement thing with other partners. Dag, who signed up to be a FWB/boyfriend, not a life partner. I mean, I'd never act on the feelings of wanting to be with Dag 24/7. I love Andy, and I love that Dag is devoted to his wife and kids.

I wish I could explain it better, but it's not like, I want to marry Dag, and I'm sad that it can't happen. It's more, I love Dag SO MUCH that I think being married to him would be wonderful. I love him in that way I have only loved a few people in my life, where I could see us becoming something amazing. I don't need it to happen, I just feel like it could. And I feel guilty about that.

Of course, there's also the experience of reading on this forum, all the people who can love without needing to follow the standard script... I feel like a failure for not being able to do that.

 

[Hannahfluke]

I hope you can see that a lot of people post the happy things that happen and avoid posting the sad things. Even with the people who post the sad things, it's hard to convey the full emotions of what you're feeling through text. You're comparing yourself, who you know inside and out and know every flaw and every good thing about, to small snippets of time people share on a message board. You can't know all their flaws, all the good things, all their thoughts, it's just not possible. I hope you can recognize that you're comparing apples to oranges.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Hannahfluke, thank you... I do know that. And I post all my sad stuff, and none of the happy, at least when it comes to Dag.

I think I just need to let myself grieve a little, over the realization that poly didn't turn out to be nearly as good a fit for me as I had hoped

I jumped into non monogamy with my usual attitude - succeed at all costs! Be the absolute best! I didn't really stop along the way to ask myself, is this what I want, is this making me happy? Instead, every time I felt twinges of unease or discomfort, I just tried to DO IT BETTER DAMNIT. I mean, I have spent this entire blog trying different things - more time together, less time together, be flexible about scheduling, set better boundaries around time, communicate better, communicate differently, etc, etc. Like poly was some kind of strategy game, where with enough effort and practice I could WIN.

But, win what There's no winning here, no prize for being the Best Poly Person Ever. I need to let go of that attitude, and start looking at whether I want to be playing this game at all.

It's been a week since I had sex with Dag last, and my raging post-sex hormones have settled into their usual place - he's a great friend, he's hot and good in bed, I should just enjoy that, la la la. I'm sure when I sleep with him again, I'll fall back into my I-want-the-escalator funk

I know that if I do keep seeing Dag, or anyone else, I need to find a way to accept the dreams about happily-ever-after. Somehow reconcile "I crave this" and "it's never gonna happen". For today, I'm just trying to do that self-compassion thing, and not judge myself harshly for having bonding feelings around sex. I am unbelievably envious of those who can have sexual relationships without dreaming of babies and white picket fences, but I can't keep beating myself up about it.

 

[Reverie]

But, win what There's no winning here, no prize for being the Best Poly Person Ever. I need to let go of that attitude, and start looking at whether I want to be playing this game at all.

It's been a week since I had sex with Dag last, and my raging post-sex hormones have settled into their usual place - he's a great friend, he's hot and good in bed, I should just enjoy that, la la la. I'm sure when I sleep with him again, I'll fall back into my I-want-the-escalator funk

I know that if I do keep seeing Dag, or anyone else, I need to find a way to accept the dreams about happily-ever-after. Somehow reconcile "I crave this" and "it's never gonna happen".

This may be all the way out in pie-in-the-sky territory, but...

What if there were a Person out there somewhere who COULD give you happily-ever-after and fit into your life with Andy? Who could ride some kind of alternate-version escalator with you? Maybe not marriage, but lifelong partnership. Maybe not living together in joint-deed-ownership, but living down the street in a different white-picket-fence house with a more-or-less open-house policy where you and he could float in and out at will.

Is it Dag's unavailability—his restrictive relationship, his special-needs family, etc.—that makes it hurt? Or is it that it does have to be the legal commitment? Does "Andy, who trusts me not to do the life entanglement thing with other partners" mean that he'd be against you doing that sort of thing in addition, or just in replacement?

I'm just kind of curious about all of this.

On my own end, I sometimes get daydreamy about Perfect Poly Life in a Big Poly House (or a detached-structure compound) of compatible friends and partners, but I imagine it'd be a lot tougher in practice than in theory...

 

[Magdlyn]

This may be all the way out in pie-in-the-sky territory, but...

What if there were a Person out there somewhere who COULD give you happily-ever-after and fit into your life with Andy? Who could ride some kind of alternate-version escalator with you? Maybe not marriage, but lifelong partnership. Maybe not living together in joint-deed-ownership, but living down the street in a different white-picket-fence house with a more-or-less open-house policy where you and he could float in and out at will.

Is it Dag's unavailability—his restrictive relationship, his special-needs family, etc.—that makes it hurt? Or is it that it does have to be the legal commitment? Does "Andy, who trusts me not to do the life entanglement thing with other partners" mean that he'd be against you that sort of thing in addition, or just in replacement?

Yeah, Reverie, I was thinking the exact same thing when I was reading Claire's last couple posts. A single guy, or a partnered guy with no kids, who has a lot more ability to see you more often. Who lives quite close by. If having more bio kids is really not practical for you, maybe you and this hypothetical man could adopt a little dog or something lol

And if Andy "trusts you to not get all enmeshed" and that no longer suits you, because of how bonded you get to a sex/love partner, perhaps it's time to renegotiate that! It's your life. You are learning who you are. It's important to be true to yourself, and not just trying to please others all the time, Miss Perfect. I think you owe it to Andy to present who you really are. After all, you accept his CD, that's pretty huge. Surely you deserve to be accepted for who you are too.

I also think you deserve all the nice semi rough vanilla sex with a manly man you want. I hear how you find the cross dressing cute, but not a turn-on. I'm somewhat attracted to androgyny. My Pixi is transgender, so it's kind of on that spectrum. I do think she's hot. She is super cute (and warm, and loving, and snuggly, and a great communicator, and funny, and brilliant, and great at fixing computers, etc etc). But the sex... well, it's less than 100% satisfying for me. She is quite subby, and while I enjoy Topping her, I also need a testosterone package to just attack me and be all over me. Sometimes Pixi is just too much of a "pillow princess" who wants to lie back and have things done to her. She doesn't get that "I'm so hungry for you, I am just gonna ravish you," attitude very often. Partly it's her anxiety issues that hold her back, because she can get more aggressive when she's had a few drinks to relax her inhibitions. But I want a man who is just so hot for me he can't keep his hands off me, even sober lol!

So, that was about me, not you. But I hope it helps you give yourself permission to be your authentic self, accept your feelings are valid for you, stop judging yourself as bad or selfish or whatever, and go get what you need.