The story of Spork.

[Spork]

So.
Thunder. In. The. Mountains.

Holy smokes what a great weekend. So Zen had made much of the wonders and glories of Thunder. Yes, the play space is one of the biggest in North America. It was tremendous. I saw scenes that were a bit mind boggling, like a man being led around a track in a two wheeled cart, by two nude women with pins and hooks in back and arms, attached to the leads he was holding. (A man I have met in fact, and respect, but I know he's far too hard a player for my tastes.) And a variety of other things. I wish I'd done more watching to be honest. The parties went by in kind of a blur. Zen and I played...oh, we had great fun. The impact, the overstimulation, the foot tickling, the pinwheeling... Moments in time that will be preserved in my memory like a perfect insect in honeyed amber, standing zonky on the cross, opening my eyes and seeing him shirtless and doing things to me...he rarely takes off his shirt during our scenes and it was really, really sexy to me. Moments he pressed against me, feeling his body and breathing his scent, energy a radiant buzz and flow from me from him from the room full of people, the sounds and the music.

It was brilliant, amazing, intoxicating.

And that is before I even consider the mornings in the hotel room where we singularly failed at getting moving in time for the 9:30 AM classes. Both Saturday and Sunday mornings..."Ah, screw it. This is more fun." And it was. We didn't make the classes, but we made one another very happy. How I love this man, and I spent the weekend happily soaking up his company. I am still energized and happy today.

As to Fire, Hefe, and Analyst, they were of course there as well and in their own room as per the plan. I think they all had a good time. I was in "stepped back" mode, which I sort of meant to be after everything that has gone down in the last couple of weeks. There were a couple of slightly heavy conversations, but it wasn't too serious. I was there WITH Zen, in probably the manner which Analyst expected me to be there WITH him...and yet I think and hope that despite his feelings of disappointment, he had fun. He did find a pretty woman to have some fun with at one point.

Maybe all of it comes down to the fact that figuring out my own needs is a process that takes time and experimentation. I don't want to hurt anybody, but at the end of the day they are going to feel what they feel. And I've got to evolve in whatever direction is natural and true.

But I digress...

Regarding the rest of Thunder.

I went to a number of classes... A pyro class with a very entertaining couple. They did have a differing opinion about what cups are ok to use for cupping, but it seems there's some disagreement in the community about that. Personally I agree with the man who has been teaching me and my friends, who says that the cups specifically made for fire play are the safest, as opposed to improvising with baby food jars or candle holders, and they aren't expensive and can be had easily enough on Amazon. There's no sense in experimenting with questionable equipment when the right stuff is cheap and easy to get. Still, otherwise the class was great.

There were two presenters that I went to two of their classes each, the best by far was Midori. She is a world famous rope master, and she taught scarf bondage and feminine domination. Both classes were phenomenal. Midori is a goddess, plain and simple. If anyone ever has a chance to see her present anything ever, DO IT. Don't miss her for anything. Seriously. And the other presenter I saw twice was John Pendal, who is a British comedian and did a class on thuddy impact and another on dungeon disasters. I liked the impact class better, but the dungeon disasters class was the last one I attended on Sunday afternoon and by that time, everyone was drooping a little, people were...well...a bit shagged out.

In the vendor space, I bought a nice pair of matched elk floggers (I can start learning Florentine now!) and a multi-wheeled wartenburg pinwheel...I can't recall exactly but guessing I think it has 6-8 wheels on it? It's substantial in size and weight. Zen used it on me and I love it. I cannot wait to use it with electricity. Zen also bought me a very cool fringed top that matches a pair of sexy fringed grey yoga pants I own. I got great deals on the stuff I bought, and came out well within my budget, since I sold some of my collectible GWAR memorabilia to fund any spending I might do while there. Granted...the ticket and room, which would have been the most expensive parts of the whole thing, were covered by others.

Next year is the 20th anniversary of Thunder. If anyone who reads this, local or not, has even the slightest thought that you might consider going or have an interest, I strongly urge you to save, plan, and attend. Even if you have to travel. People come from other countries for this thing and it is well worth it. I can't wait to go again!

Tonight is the post-Thunder get together at Voodoo, featuring a "what we learned at Thunder" skill-share in the dungeon and a movie and cuddle party in the social area (which was my idea) and even though I'm not crashing (yet) I welcome the chance to have some people-time and kind of wind down and talk about our experiences.

 

[Spork]

It is interesting how much pushback I've gotten on the question of dialing back my poly-ness.

Fire, understandably, said that she hopes I don't go "full mono."

A person who runs a poly discussion group at Voodoo said that I would never be satisfied with just one, now that I've been poly, my needs will not be met.

Which sort of made me raise an eyebrow, I mean...who in the hell does she think she is, saying such things? This is MY life over here. MY script.

There are needs I have that Zen completely fills, meets, and overflows with the generosity of his attentions. Sex and pain play, obviously. The glorious experience of being allowed to love, with all the intensity I feel, with the floodgates open and the barriers down. The sense of being important to him. And he keeps me engaged mentally and interested, in many ways, too. Right now, whatever anyone thinks of it...and as much as I wasn't really trying to do any sort of hierarchy, the man is my primary partner, even if we aren't "nesting." He has put in a great deal of intense time and effort to be that for me. And I don't see any reason why he shouldn't be.

I was trying to imagine a fantastical future, over in the thread where people were discussing their ideal poly lifestyle. I've begun to have fantastical dreams that include Zen. Of course his life can still take him in any direction. But I do sometimes think in the vein of "anything is possible"...so dreaming of a magical and possibly impossible "anything"...well, why not? I've imagined a hundred thousand futures that didn't happen, and the world never ended once.

He is older than me. That is true. He is my parents' age. But he will never be too old for me. I have a very, very deep reservoir to give love and care. It would be very nice for it to be a thing that I have chosen, rather than one I felt pressured, forced and obligated into.

That was my marriage. I was very good at monogamy, for a long time. I didn't stray, and in general I didn't even nurture any crushes or interests. That switch was off. The only exceptions during the course of the marriage was at one point when I went off of Depo Provera, I went a little nuts and a brief online sexy-talk fling was part of that. It was cheating because he got angry and demanded I stop, and I said I would...but I didn't. I lied to him. I wanted it to run its course, "organically" and end in its own time. Not terminated because Old Wolf was insecure and afraid. I was never going to meet this young man in person ever. He was a game to me, a virtual being to explore some fantastical stuff with. When my ex found out that I'd deceived him, he made me call first the guy, and then each of my family members and confess to them what I had done, and that I was a lying, cheating whore, and he also obliterated my Myspace profile and replaced it with those words in big red font. He sat there staring menacingly at me while I made those phone calls, after he had dialed the numbers and got the person on the phone, he handed it to me and made me say the words. Over and over. A hollow little empty shell repeating a recorded message...to my Mom. My Dad. My Stepmom, aunt, brothers and best friends... He told my sons I loved a stranger on the internet more than I loved them. It's not something you forget.

The other thing was a brief emotional attachment to our mutual friend right before the breakup itself. I didn't let that go very far. I was a drowning woman reaching for flotsam. It was just a sign of the end.

He did not deserve what I gave him, not the time, or the support, or the extent of fidelity I managed to do. I was generally faithful because he told me I couldn't be. My sexuality and desirability to other men makes me a horrible person with no integrity, destined to betray and cheat, destroy my kids' lives and wreck my family. I was trying so hard to be good.

And you know, I still think...mostly... I was.

But my point is, by and large, I am quite capable of faithful monogamy, or fidelity in any other manner I decide to commit to. Generally speaking, I can do that. What a wonder it would be, to do it because I choose to and not because I have to...? Or even more lovely to have warm and affectionate friendships that don't make my partner feel threatened, better still people who like him and we can all be friends together. People who accept him and accept us. I don't have to have sex with them. But to have both a meaningful and solid relationship, and my social connections, and not live under the stormcloud of an insecurity that could blow up and cause humiliation and violence at any moment, merely because I give interest and attention to others. That would be very nice, I should think. Seems a bit the difference between a prison sentence and a paradise, actually.

Furthermore, there is the BDSM stuff. Zen has certain discomforts with the D/s dynamic. What we have is S/m. (Sadist/masochist.) But I feel submissive to him in many ways. Sometimes he feels a bit submissive to me. Not in the sense of being switches, though. More that even when he is in control and being the top, he is serving my needs. Happily, it seems. It feels beautiful. But I long to be HIS. I see girls with collars and part of me wants that. One day. Doesn't have to be now, or soon. What this is about, I think, is that issue I've got, the word that has come up, the vulnerability. The fact that I rarely take off the armor, and it's kind of a big deal. Every time in the past that I've done that, really done that, I behave differently...I am more needy than otherwise. I imagine Zen has noticed that at some point I became more physically clingy...I hope he's ok with that. I'm all over him. I feel sometimes like I want to smoosh up against his beautiful soul, he's that lovely to me. And as I've said before, this kind of intensity on my part has been met with rejection in the past, for whatever reasons, on the rare occasions that it happened...so although Zen is reassuring to me, which has made me love him even more...sometimes that is still a bit scary.

Which brings me back to the matter of D/s and collars. NOT-crazy-in-love Spork feels like all that is a bunch of affectation and needs to be a free person among free people. Crazy-in-love Spork feels that she's on her knees regardless, offering up her heart with both hands, and that a gesture like a collar would be a very comforting physical symbol that my gift of self has been accepted. That I'm allowed to be as devoted as I feel.

One day maybe.

And frankly that leads me right back around to where I'm at with the whole poly thing. I don't know if Zen will ever be comfortable accepting the role of Dom with me, though he may allow me some of the gestures now and again (I sat at his feet last night. That made me very happy.) But I think that if he does, I think it will be after significant time has passed, and probably if he is my only lover. There is no urgent need for me to clear a path for this to happen because I think it's probably still too soon for him, if it will ever be a thing he wants, anyways.

The relationships I have with the quad...they are their own thing, with their own pros and cons...well, I don't know. At the moment, I consider us all friends and "chosen family" and that is comfortable. I feel ok with going over once in a while, I'm helping Analyst move stuff tomorrow, and I can see us getting together for BBQ's and this and that, and if we all end up naked I'm still alright with that, too. For now.

I honestly don't think that any of them are all that impressed with Zen. They don't know him as I do. I think that getting into the best stuff about him takes some time and trust, he's got to open up more than he usually does. One might say that he has grown on me, though I see it more as he's soaked into me, over time. So in a sense I think that they are disappointed not only in losing some of my time, commitment, or energy...but in my choice of him. Which makes me feel angry and protective just shooting from the hip...until I remember the layers you need to sink down through to see the man I see.

Throw in the fact that new players have joined the game and new relationships have shaken the board... Part of me doesn't really understand why it even matters if I back off. Feels like, "Look, you're fine! You don't need me."

All I can say is I guess we'll wait and see, with all of that.

Meanwhile, thankfully, Zen and I will get together to watch Sherlock tonight and I'll get some snuggles, which I am today beginning to need...I am deeply appreciative of the fact that we have no cause for me to be insecure or scared or freaked out at the moment. Starting to get a smidge droppy, but it's not too terrible.

 

[Reverie]

When my ex found out that I'd deceived him, he made me call first the guy, and then each of my family members and confess to them what I had done, and that I was a lying, cheating whore, and he also obliterated my Myspace profile and replaced it with those words in big red font. He sat there staring menacingly at me while I made those phone calls, after he had dialed the numbers and got the person on the phone, he handed it to me and made me say the words. Over and over. A hollow little empty shell repeating a recorded message...to my Mom. My Dad. My Stepmom, aunt, brothers and best friends... He told my sons I loved a stranger on the internet more than I loved them. It's not something you forget.

This is...HORRIFYING. I am so angry on your behalf. What kind of an absolute monster...I am so glad you are mostly rid of him. And so glad you are not moving back into that house.

But my point is, by and large, I am quite capable of faithful monogamy, or fidelity in any other manner I decide to commit to. Generally speaking, I can do that. What a wonder it would be, to do it because I choose to and not because I have to...? Or even more lovely to have warm and affectionate friendships that don't make my partner feel threatened, better still people who like him and we can all be friends together. People who accept him and accept us. I don't have to have sex with them. But to have both a meaningful and solid relationship, and my social connections, and not live under the stormcloud of an insecurity that could blow up and cause humiliation and violence at any moment, merely because I give interest and attention to others.

I've often thought that there is a difference between healthy monogamy and unhealthy monogamy:

Unhealthy monogamy is the kind that people get into without ever making a truly conscious decision about it—they just do it because it's the societal default, and it comes bundled with expected jealousies and expected ways of spending time.

When I was 23 or 24 and in a relationship with a much-older guy, I was talking about how I was going to go out with friends and "maybe just crash there." And he looked at me like I had three heads said that people who are not single just don't do that. And I looked at him just as bewildered and asked why the hell not? It seemed like the saddest thing in the world. Never randomly have unplanned sleepovers with friends ever again? This is not the life for me, I thought. And we weren't even fully mono. We did kind of a swinging thing from time to time.

But I think that healthy, conscious, intentional monogamy does exist—it's just kind of like getting polysaturated at one. It's realizing that both you and your partner are getting all of your needs met and are completely content and happy with the status quo in your existing relationship, and recognizing that for whatever reason, you're not willing or able to rock that boat by introducing the wild-cards of outside partners into that situation. I don't think anything is wrong with that, as long as both people are honestly on the same page with it.

 

[Spork]

This is...HORRIFYING. I am so angry on your behalf. What kind of an absolute monster...I am so glad you are mostly rid of him. And so glad you are not moving back into that house.



I've often thought that there is a difference between healthy monogamy and unhealthy monogamy:

Unhealthy monogamy is the kind that people get into without ever making a truly conscious decision about it—they just do it because it's the societal default, and it comes bundled with expected jealousies and expected ways of spending time.

When I was 23 or 24 and in a relationship with a much-older guy, I was talking about how I was going to go out with friends and "maybe just crash there." And he looked at me like I had three heads said that people who are not single just don't do that. And I looked at him just as bewildered and asked why the hell not? It seemed like the saddest thing in the world. Never randomly have unplanned sleepovers with friends ever again? This is not the life for me, I thought. And we weren't even fully mono. We did kind of a swinging thing from time to time.

But I think that healthy, conscious, intentional monogamy does exist—it's just kind of like getting polysaturated at one. It's realizing that both you and your partner are getting all of your needs met and are completely content and happy with the status quo in your existing relationship, and recognizing that for whatever reason, you're not willing or able to rock that boat by introducing the wild-cards of outside partners into that situation. I don't think anything is wrong with that, as long as both people are honestly on the same page with it.

Yes.

I was 18. He moved into my apartment. I wanted to go out with friends...this was before cell phones, and he would really freak out about me contacting him, needing to know where I was at all times...and the idea of me "just crashing" anywhere, why, surely I would be having sex with somebody! I remember getting a bit angry because he was acting like a parent, not a partner.

The other thing is, when I'm comfortable in my element I do a lot of what I call "flirting without intent." I do like attention. And I don't need to give sex to get it. But sometimes slinging some innuendo is fun. And I am good at reading people and situations to know if I'm safe in that, or not. There are some men who will immediately "get the wrong idea"...and there are many who are equally sociable and don't get mad if you flirt but don't mean to follow through, don't view it as a promise of sex forthcoming. This used to infuriate him.

He assumed from the moment we began intimacy, even before I lived with him, that I was HIS WOMAN. I did not assume any such thing. I figured that until I'd committed explicitly otherwise, I was a free agent and he simply happened to have access and consent. I fooled around some with another guy I'd had an on-again, off-again thing with...(this guy was preserving his virginity, and only went as far as oral.) This was after OW and I became a thing, but before he moved in with me...and I told him about it; after all, I was somewhat ethical in my slutting even then. And I found out years later...like in the last year, actually...that he'd physically bullied and intimidated my friend to drive him away from me.

The other revelation was to the fact that I didn't want kids, and told him again and again...and he just let me think he was fine with that, when he absolutely had every intention of making children and being married and living the lifestyle I said I did not want. I was never asked if I consented to any of the burdens I shouldered with him.

The fact is, my ex is seriously dysfunctional and in many ways not fit to live in civilized, western society. He actually recognized and told me the other night, that there is a lot in common between him and the jihadists he claims to hate...that if he believed in a cause strongly enough, he'd do a suicide bombing. I've know this about him for ages. He dreams of a glorious death and would rather women were property belonging only to their husbands and protected from the lusting eyes of others, that sounds like a more compatible mindset to a much different culture than the one we live in. And yet he's as American as apple pie, this man...grew up in Iowa.

God help Song, the woman he is obsessed with, as he plans to go attach himself to her in some fashion. I'd warn her, but she hates me for hurting him and she wouldn't listen. No more than the woman from Tennessee would have listened if I'd told her what she was walking into. He's good at portraying himself as the victim in all of this. Because I failed to want and need him, because he didn't get enough sex or enthusiastic sex. Because everything he believed of me, that I was loyal and would stay with him to the end, was a lie.

I am sorry for her...but I am happy that he's leaving.

 

[FeatherFool]

Thunder in the Mountains sounds like it was an amazing experience. It also sounds super overwhelming! I'm glad you had such a great time with Zen, and that you are so happy in your relationship with him. Reading you gush about him makes me smile every time.

Old Wolf... your description of his behaviours feels very familiar to me. Similar behaviours and perceptions are actively nurtured in my family. Woman=Property/Man=Owner, with the right to humiliate and punish to keep Their Women in line was a basic tenant of life. Paranoia, extremism... it's all there. I feel a bone-deep understanding of some of your experiences, since they parallel many of the things I witnessed (and experienced) as a child and young adult. It makes me want to hug the absolute shit out of you.

And makes me very afraid of your soon-to-be-ex.

 

[Magdlyn]

I just want to say that your so-called poly, so-called friends are completely wrong that you will never be satisfied being mono with your bf. It is actually quite common for poly people, when in NRE, to want to be mono for a while. He IS meeting all your needs. At least right now, if not forever.

Ignore them and enjoy the hell out of your bf. He is a balm to your injured soul. You made a GOOD choice. He is completely different from the monster you chose to placate all those years.

If your "quad" friends don't see his gorgeousness yet, the hell with them. You're satisfied, ecstatic even. That is enough.

I am glad you had a great time at Thunder. I am glad the whole issue around who had you in their room worked out in the end. I am glad to hear Analyst got over the "you will be MY date, woman," thing, and left you alone. I am glad, despite all the confusion and bitchiness, you are still friendly enough with him to be helping him move things today.

You're doing great!

 

[Spork]

There's stuff I have to clarify. Had to edit original quote to fit character limits.

...regarding "pushback"...
A person who runs a poly discussion group at Voodoo said that I would never be satisfied with just one, now that I've been poly, my needs will not be met.

Which sort of made me raise an eyebrow, I mean...who in the hell does she think she is, saying such things? This is MY life over here. MY script.

^ This person is NOT part of my love life, the person running the poly discussion group at Voodoo.

MAIN BIG POINT of this entire post, is not so much "This is my PLAN." It is: I DO reserve the right to evolve and find my own truth. I'm still figuring out what that is. Zen is a very patient dude and he is cool with me being poly with the quad.

I do sense that the energy is shifting. I do feel that I am being at the least primary with Zen right now. I do want to explore this Big Intense Thing that I have got in my life. I expect that it will evolve, and I don't know what it will look like in future phases. Maybe a year from now I'll have a clue. Right now I'm playing with the Rubic's Cube and looking at the possibilities. Asking myself questions.

...blahblahblah Zen is great...

...blahblahblah this is magical fantasy land, don't take it too seriously...

...-snip- yes, he's an older guy, it's fine...
It would be very nice for it to be a thing that I have chosen, rather than one I felt pressured, forced and obligated into.

(( All this stuff above and below, is bitchbitch about Old Wolf and bad marriage, and how much better I have it now and mean to have it going forward. ))

That was my marriage. I was very good at monogamy, for a long time. I didn't stray, and... ...blahblahblah my marriage sucked...

He did not deserve what I gave him, not the time, or the support, or the extent of fidelity I managed to do. I was generally faithful because he told me I couldn't be. My sexuality and desirability to other men makes me a horrible person with no integrity, destined to betray and cheat, destroy my kids' lives and wreck my family. I was trying so hard to be good.

And you know, I still think...mostly... I was.

(( *falsetto voice* Oh, Zen, tell me I'm a good girl... lol! ))

But my point is, by and large, I am quite capable of faithful monogamy, or fidelity in any other manner I decide to commit to. Generally speaking, I can do that. What a wonder it would be, to do it because I choose to and not because I have to...? Or even more lovely to have warm and affectionate friendships that don't make my partner feel threatened, better still people who like him and we can all be friends together. People who accept him and accept us. I don't have to have sex with them. But to have both a meaningful and solid relationship, and my social connections, and not live under the stormcloud of an insecurity that could blow up and cause humiliation and violence at any moment, merely because I give interest and attention to others. That would be very nice, I should think. Seems a bit the difference between a prison sentence and a paradise, actually.

^ This is NOT about the quad. This is imagining things I could NEVER have had with Old Wolf.

Furthermore, there is the BDSM stuff. Zen has certain discomforts with the D/s dynamic. What we have is S/m. (Sadist/masochist.) But I feel submissive to him in many ways. Sometimes he feels a bit submissive to me. Not in the sense of being switches, though. More that even when he is in control and being the top, he is serving my needs. Happily, it seems. It feels beautiful. But I long to be HIS. I see girls with collars and part of me wants that. One day. Doesn't have to be now, or soon. What this is about, I think, is that issue I've got, the word that has come up, the vulnerability. The fact that I rarely take off the armor, and it's kind of a big deal. Every time in the past that I've done that, really done that, I behave differently...I am more needy than otherwise. I imagine Zen has noticed that at some point I became more physically clingy...I hope he's ok with that. I'm all over him. I feel sometimes like I want to smoosh up against his beautiful soul, he's that lovely to me. And as I've said before, this kind of intensity on my part has been met with rejection in the past, for whatever reasons, on the rare occasions that it happened...so although Zen is reassuring to me, which has made me love him even more...sometimes that is still a bit scary.

Which brings me back to the matter of D/s and collars. NOT-crazy-in-love Spork feels like all that is a bunch of affectation and needs to be a free person among free people. Crazy-in-love Spork feels that she's on her knees regardless, offering up her heart with both hands, and that a gesture like a collar would be a very comforting physical symbol that my gift of self has been accepted. That I'm allowed to be as devoted as I feel.

One day maybe.

FULL STOP. End of previous thought, beginning of new thought. Every single thing in the block prior to this break, is about how much better I hope my future (whether poly or mono) will be, compared to my past with the toxic hell Old Wolf put me through.

And again...dreams, not plans. Maybes, not goals. I'm looking at concepts and asking myself if I think they would be good...or not...and how I might like them to look in theory in the pastel haze of "someday."

And frankly that leads me right back around to where I'm at with the whole poly thing. I don't know if Zen will ever be comfortable accepting the role of Dom with me, though he may allow me some of the gestures now and again (I sat at his feet last night. That made me very happy.) But I think that if he does, I think it will be after significant time has passed, and probably if he is my only lover. There is no urgent need for me to clear a path for this to happen because I think it's probably still too soon for him, if it will ever be a thing he wants, anyways.

^ That's a whole lot of "me stuff" and it's full of ??? about possibilities. No urgency, no demands, and no expectations...as I say, if any of that comes to pass, it'll be down the road, at least a bunch of months I think, if not years.

But it is a fear of mine, that I might not be able to experience D/s if I'm not a.) very seriously in love like I am now, and b.) at least starting from a mono-ish position with my "Dom-type" guy. This just goes along with my "how in the hell do I poly right when I feel so intense for one person right now?" blundering. I. Don't. Know. Mental note: Speak to more subs who have both a Dom/Master and other partners. See how they do this.

The relationships I have with the quad...they are their own thing, with their own pros and cons...well, I don't know. At the moment, I consider us all friends and "chosen family" and that is comfortable. I feel ok with going over once in a while, I'm helping Analyst move stuff tomorrow, and I can see us getting together for BBQ's and this and that, and if we all end up naked I'm still alright with that, too. For now.

My god that sounds...doomy...why the hell did I put it that way, "for now" ugh... Just, again, freedom to evolve. I am saying that I don't know if I can do poly indefinitely. This is my FIRST attempt at it. And at times I've been sloppy as hell. I've struggled in a number of areas.

I haven't given up. But I can't keep up the pressure I've put on myself thus far. All I can say right now is that I want to find a way to explore the depths of this thing with Zen...but without cutting the people in the quad out of my life, and without hard feelings with them. Ultimately, that's what I want most.

I feel like I'm fucking it up all over the place. I'm sorry for that.

...blahblah, "You guys just don't get it, Zen is like...TOTALLY DEEP DUDE..." blahblahblah...

...I have complicated feels about my new metas, which we have not even begun to discuss and I'm not even remotely ready to try and talk about here, but I like them...

All I can say is I guess we'll wait and see, with all of that.

...Zen and I got snuggles and Sherlock and it was great....

Fire actually pointed out something rather valid...Zen has been invited to some activities the quad has set up, and has not made it in the past, so part of that is opportunity. In contrast, Zen and I have not really taken the initiative to plan activities that involve the quad, too. I make no indictment or judgment here upon anyone's actions or intentions, but it's more fair to say that possibilities that I'd hoped for...just haven't really shaken loose. There are a bunch of reasons for all this that aren't anyone's fault, in my opinion.

They haven't gotten to know him...they haven't had a lot of chances.

I add, too, that Fire and Analyst have not attended some of the social functions that Zen and I did, and Hefe has attended more of them. This has less to do with acceptance or rejection of the Spork/Zen thing, but rather the "I just don't feel like going to the party" thing which is COMPLETELY VALID. Individual preference of activity and levels of interpersonal engagement (small group or one-on-one dynamic, or large group social setting.)

So. Good points I feel need added to the narrative here...

 

[breathemusic]

So.... if you're curious to talk more to someone who is a sub to a Dom but also has other partners, and in fact, other more "primary" (for lack of a better word) partners, that is my exact situation, so I'm happy to field any questions you might have!

All in all, I think you're doing a good job of just trying to be honest and communicate where you're at with all of your partners!

 

[Spork]

I just want to say that your so-called poly, so-called friends are completely wrong that you will never be satisfied being mono with your bf. It is actually quite common for poly people, when in NRE, to want to be mono for a while. He IS meeting all your needs. At least right now, if not forever.

Ignore them and enjoy the hell out of your bf. He is a balm to your injured soul. You made a GOOD choice. He is completely different from the monster you chose to placate all those years.

If your "quad" friends don't see his gorgeousness yet, the hell with them. You're satisfied, ecstatic even. That is enough.

I am glad you had a great time at Thunder. I am glad the whole issue around who had you in their room worked out in the end. I am glad to hear Analyst got over the "you will be MY date, woman," thing, and left you alone. I am glad, despite all the confusion and bitchiness, you are still friendly enough with him to be helping him move things today.

You're doing great!

When the one person said I'd never be satisfied (and she's...a really odd person. I'm not really QUITE comfortable enough to call her "friend" but I'm...friend-LY to her...)

I wanted to laugh. I mean, really. I still can't quite suss out whether she said that in the hope that *wink wink nudge nudge* there's hope for me to make some kind of a connection with HER in the future. Since this person has wanted me to do BDSM scene play with her at parties and frankly, I don't wanna. The energy doesn't feel right, doesn't flow right, between us.

There is a teeny tiny aspect to my wish to belong to Zen, that there are times, occasions, when I am viewed as potential unicorn material to people in the scene and I swear there are moments I've felt as though sharks were circling. It's nothing I can't handle. But when it's a prominent person in the local scene that I interact with by necessity in the social group (such as aforementioned individual)...it makes me feel slightly awkward. And I used to be a lot more interested in casual play at parties than I am now.

If I were collared, I would simply NOT have to deal with that. Protocol would take care of it. Socially lazy of me, I guess.

I do not in the slightest feel "the hell with them" about the quad. I did not phrase it well...I don't consider it an easy thing to see what I see in Zen, which is why I feel goddamn privileged to see it. I think in many ways he's made himself more vulnerable to me than I have to him, at least insofar as he has shells of behavior meant to prevent others from being offended by him or upset by him (what he thinks happens, although I think he's too hard on himself)...

So then, hm, yeah, there's asking HIM to open up and be vulnerable and LET others see more of what I see and love in him. Which, even if logistics had been more workable with all of us to get together more, would still have been a process. Would always have been a process.

And what is his motivation to do it when he's a mono gent who isn't trying to get in on group intimacy? And what is the quad's motivation to do it when they aren't aiming that direction either with him? I didn't push because I didn't want to be shoving people into social situations they didn't really want, just to try and make me happy.

Thing is...it's a poly problem I'm trying to work out here. I'm trying to be a hinge between Zen and the quad and I don't think I'm doing it very well.

Also, for what it's worth...I would not have used the word, "bitchiness" about the Thunder situation, but yes communication problems were abundant. I felt like I was in a fucking episode of Three's Company (I hate that show.)

Analyst did not so much demand things, as he had expectations that I didn't understand, because we didn't clearly talk about them.

What (I think) he expected:
He buys my ticket, Fire buys the room. He and I sleep in bed in the room, quad does meals together, we maybe do some scenes at the parties, and people attend whatever classes they want to. I am his date, sex is likely.

What I expected:
He bought my ticket and Fire bought the room, but all knew that Zen would also be there and also have a room. Analyst attendance questionable but he most definitely wouldn't be there Friday night (I was told) because of closing on new property in town. I would divide my time in some way between quad and Zen, hopefully we could all do a big group dinner, I might sleep in room with Zen Friday night and quad Saturday, and would do scenes with anyone who asked. Everyone gets some Spork time, everyone is happy.

What happened:
Found out Zen thought he and I were sharing a room and cost, I didn't have a room booked and vacancies were very limited and vanishing fast. Cue stress and problem solving mode. Possible solution: bed in Fire/Hefe room IF Analyst not making it. Explore possibility, possibility a no-go. OK. Next possibility. Room with friends, or actually split cost with Zen on room. While exploring those possibilities, Zen went ahead and booked his own room. That situation, CHECK, resolved. Unfortunately merely asking the question of Fire created uncomfortable feelings and the sense I had to choose, and more misunderstanding... Which led to my thought processes of "is all of this even working?" After a series of triangulations and brief conversations here and there and there and here.... finally the easy answer was to say fine, cool, if me being with Zen is the easy and relatively drama free solution, let's just go with that.

Analyst's closing got rescheduled, he came up on Friday.

I was Zen's date much in the manner which I think Analyst wanted me to be his.

Personally I'm glad that once we were all there, we did set all of that stuff aside, and mostly I'm really glad that everyone did some classes and some activities and seemed to have an enjoyable time.

But to get right down to the point though...EVEN IF I had "broken up" with the quad (which I did not, I simply tried to adjust the language we were using and possibly some expectations, I may have wanted to move some dials on the control panel, but I wasn't trying to flip any switches)...But even if I had...my desire would ALWAYS be to still be a friend and one they could count on to help in such a situation as a move.

This is important, to me...failure in a relationship is not "it didn't last forever"...failure is "we can't even be friends anymore." I believe that it's natural for relationships to change, but they only really END when you're just not any part of one another's lives or it turns to hostility, and THAT is what I actively seek and desire to avoid, the most.

 

[Spork]

So.... if you're curious to talk more to someone who is a sub to a Dom but also has other partners, and in fact, other more "primary" (for lack of a better word) partners, that is my exact situation, so I'm happy to field any questions you might have!

All in all, I think you're doing a good job of just trying to be honest and communicate where you're at with all of your partners!

I need to read your blog. I actually started to, yesterday. I'm picking up on more and more of the other folks' blogs over time.

Let me do that, and if I have questions, I will get in touch with you. Thank you for raising your hand, breathemusic!

 

[Magdlyn]

I marvel at your willingness to be in "a quad" after having been mono all your life. And now you've got a single bf and you feel much more strongly about him than you do about any of your other 4 friends/sometimes lovers.

Honestly, I get polysaturated at 3 partners. I just don't have time for more, and I don't have a full time job and 2 teenage kids.

You must be really extroverted. It would make me tired to keep up. I would get confused at what I've said to whom.

I can't type your bf's name because the last letter of the alphabet doesn't work on my laptop.

But... that guy, your primary bf? Why would he want to hang with "the quad" if he doesn't desire to fuck or scene with them? Why would they want to hang with him if they don't desire to fuck or scene with him?

Um, just to be friendly metamours? To talk, watch a movie, eat, play a board game, go hiking, or biking, or to a museum, and whatever else normal people do. And it doesn't have to be the entire "quad" and bf whose name I can't type. It can be bf and Fire watch a movie with you, bf and Hefe and you grab lunch, bf and Analyst and you help Analyst move, bf and Hefe and Analyst go out for a beer without you, Fire and Analyst come over for dinner, etc.

I am wary of triads and quads because some people seem to think all members have to do everything, platonic or sexual, together.

 

[Spork]

I marvel at your willingness to be in "a quad" after having been mono all your life. And now you've got a single bf and you feel much more strongly about him than you do about any of your other 4 friends/sometimes lovers.

Honestly, I get polysaturated at 3 partners. I just don't have time for more, and I don't have a full time job and 2 teenage kids.

You must be really extroverted. It would make me tired to keep up. I would get confused at what I've said to whom.

I can't type your bf's name because the last letter of the alphabet doesn't work on my laptop.

But... that guy, your primary bf? Why would he want to hang with "the quad" if he doesn't desire to fuck or scene with them? Why would they want to hang with him if they don't desire to fuck or scene with him?

Um, just to be friendly metamours? To talk, watch a movie, eat, play a board game, go hiking, or biking, or to a museum, and whatever else normal people do. And it doesn't have to be the entire "quad" and bf whose name I can't type. It can be bf and Fire watch a movie with you, bf and Hefe and you grab lunch, bf and Analyst and you help Analyst move, bf and Hefe and Analyst go out for a beer without you, Fire and Analyst come over for dinner, etc.

I am wary of triads and quads because some people seem to think all members have to do everything, platonic or sexual, together.

I AM a tremendous extrovert. The cast of characters in my life numbers into the hundreds sometimes.

Yet you know what's funny? When life gets tough, there's only one person I turn to for support, reach out to and seek comfort from on the phone, and that's my Mom. Hundreds of friends, and only one person I'm ok calling when I need to talk. I thought about that while reading Texlahoma's blog earlier. I'll talk to anyone, but I won't impose on anyone's time if they haven't offered it to me, except my Mom.

The formation of the quad was...I don't know, I think I was just trying to stop forcing things and let the universe deliver what it would. I'd been messing around with the Worm King and that guy was a wacky flaky bundle of confusion and contradiction. Gave me a taste of sadism that I then came to crave, and I tried to force it...tried to give love to Worm King, got pushed away, tried to find men who would give me that and pursue them, and a couple of attempts failed to work out. So Analyst may not be really a sadist per se, but he IS kinky and is willing to do some of the stuff I wanted. So I gave him a chance.

Then he introduced me to Fire and Hefe and I was VERY taken with her (so was Analyst) and Hefe seemed pretty cool too, although not my typical "type" on the surface, there turned out to be enough points of compatibility in our thinking and later in our sex that it was pretty dang good. I wasn't blazing with wild emotions for any of them, but it felt calm and happy and safe and fun.

But something was missing...I really wanted to experience more sadism in a lover. Someone who doesn't only do the things, but gets his pleasure from doing the things. And would handle me with a certain delicious cruelty, and not treat me as fragile. Hefe has done quite well in adapting some of his sexual methods in that direction for me. But by the time we'd started exploring that, I had this relationship going on with Zen, and in the last few months it's like it's just taken over.

Yes, I agree that metamours can do friendly social stuff. I'd hoped things would go that direction, and Fire has issued open invites to Zen for a few things she's set up but he couldn't make it to them due to other obligations.

Maybe it's all or most just logistical hiccups, you know? Maybe I'm reading too much into that. It was just a background thing in my mind, one that I hadn't really put shined any light on or put into words, that me trying to encourage Zen and/or any of the quad, to come together and hang out, was me maybe pushing them in directions they didn't want to go...and that if they did want to, they'd let me know or make it happen. I'm always worried about coming off as pushy though. To the point that I probably come off as kind of cold and disengaged sometimes. Like, Fire organizes many activities for us all, whereas if something comes up that I'd like some company for, I put out the invite with a heap of disclaimers like, "If you don't want to or you can't make it, I totally understand." I don't know why, but I assume people don't want to do stuff that I want to do, or will certainly have more important plans.

Heck, looking back, if I wanted a friend to go to a concert or do something with me, I used to go right off the bat offering to pay their way and I spent tons of money doing that. Like no one will want to do anything I like or spend time with me doing something that I suggest, unless I totally handle everything and it's absolutely no hassle for them whatsoever.

Feral kid syndrome. Just more programming to crack, from my childhood, I suspect.

But now I can't afford to pay for big activities for a bunch of people. And I don't have the space in my home to entertain a bunch of people. And Zen doesn't have a home set up for doing so, either. So still more logistics, I suppose.

I don't know. It's afternoon here now and I'm sleepy, so I can't think properly. I might have to come back to this.

 

[Spork]

Went to help Analyst with some moving last night. We only got one trip with a couple of vehicles done, but some furniture got moved that will make his new place a bit more comfortable. And I got to see his new home for the first time. It's pretty nice, especially given the price range he was looking at. Fire and Hefe were there, as was the lady that Fire is seeing now.

I was pushing back on some pretty nasty drop on and off yesterday, and yesterday evening wasn't exactly a happy thing for me, but I kept control of myself and fended off the gremlins reasonably well. I think they mostly knew I was a bit melancholy but I did my best to keep a lid on it.

Fire tried to reach out and give comfort. I appreciate the intent and I did open myself to some of that energy from her, and it was good. I felt though that she was encouraging me to let go and feel my stuff, and I just couldn't. Not then, not there, not with so many people present. I got the sense that maybe she thought I was struggling with the vulnerabilities with Zen that colored my last drop, and it wasn't that. I feel that since Zen opened up to me and we've talked and some of the deeper contact we've had since, I'm safe there. As safe as anyone in love can be, and basically even if he breaks my heart one of these days, well, he is worth it. That conclusion arrived at, I'm not in any turmoil about him right now. If anything I had a little bit of longing for him, but I'd seen him just the night previous and my reserves of his energy weren't depleted.

No, the gremlins were over stuff with the quad and my feelings stemming from this and that, and a heap of bullshit from my childhood and my history, triggers to the programming and bad feelings that come with it, exacerbated by drop and hormones.

I seriously hope that one day we can talk about all of this. But that day was not yesterday.

We need to discuss what things like "Relationship" and "Girlfriend" mean, what people's expectations were. I want to know what each one of them actually GOT out of being a partner to me, as well as what they were hoping for. And I want to express my own thoughts on all of the above.

Honestly...I did have some expectations, and they were not met. What I have had with those in the quad was GOOD...but it didn't fit my idea of "Relationship." That's the crux of this whole mess, I think.

Along with confusion...because I understand Hefe's enjoyment of me, but I don't understand Fire or Analyst's. I don't really get why they want to keep me around...it's like, you say you do, but...why? What do you get out of this? What is my value to you?

There's more to it, but I can't talk about it here. Hell, I can't talk about it anywhere really, except to my Mom, who knows everything always. I can only say that things have happened, that have hurt. But I don't feel that anyone intended to be hurtful in doing them. So I don't feel entitled to feel what I feel. Like I have to be quiet and not have issues or rock the boat, because otherwise I'll upset, disappoint, or hurt feelings, which I've already done too much, and that isn't right since the things that have made me feel bad weren't done on purpose with the intention of making me feel bad. Some of them I feel simultaneously bad AND good about, at the same time. In fact, since no one realized that any of it was hurtful to me, it's all my problem in my head. Like when you go to the doctor, and something hurts, and you tell them, and they do a test but it's negative right? So it's your fault for complaining, AND now you get the guilt of having to pay a copay for no reason. It's all in your head. So you just live with it and try not to have a problem because...there's no reason for you to have one! But it still hurts.

Actually that analogy was dumb. I know the reasons, I just don't feel like I can get an appointment. The doctors are booked. *sigh*

And every time I read things like this, that I've written, I get mad at myself. No one wants to hear this shit!! Stop being such a downer, Spork. Bootstraps. Everything is fine.

Drop is stupid and hormones are stupid and feelings are stupid. I want to go home and go back to bed with my floofy cat. The emergency chocolate is SO getting eaten today.

 

[Spork]

It was cool that yesterday, I had no plans whatsoever. I kind of thought I'd do my laundry, and yeah...I should have, but I put it off.

Doing laundry is kind of a pain where I live, I have to carry it all the way across the complex. But at least with a community coin laundry (or card laundry as it now is)...I can run it all at once, and it's not an all day, or multiple days, thing.

Anyways. I didn't do my laundry. Will have to fit it in this weekend somewhere.

What I did do, is I went home and relaxed. I napped, I got up and made food, I watched a thunderstorm roll in. I window-shopped sex toys online and I played good ol' Diablo I on my trusty laptop. I got lots of rest.

That's something I haven't talked about here much. I am not a huge gamer anymore, I used to have a WoW habit, but not for a long time. I was, even then, too casual and solo a gamer for a game like that although I did love it. I didn't want to PvP or raid, and it got to where leveling characters or working tradeskills or just doing dailies, dailies, dailies was my habit. Actually there in the last year or so I played, daily quests took over. It was the main way for me to get cool stuff, since the big bad endgame playing wasn't something I was in for.

Well it finally got to the point where it didn't feel like fun anymore, it felt like work. Grinding away for things of imaginary value. And paying real money for the privilege to do so. I quit.

I've realized now that my favorite games and the only ones I'll play are older games that are fun as a single player, that have a beginning and an end like a good book. I want to "beat the game" and then put it aside for a while. So, Diablo I and Castlevania: Symphony of the Night are my favorites, though I might like to get back into the old Mario Bros games I liked as a kid, and I have managed to play The 7th Guest on my PC in recent years now and again.

Also, and this is an issue in tabletop RPG games I've played with friends, too... For some reason I just don't have much patience with the storyline. I simply don't care. I just want to shoot things. I always play an archer.

So, for those familiar with Diablo, I made the Butcher my bitch...again. Leoric's next. I got a whole bag of holy bolt spells with his name on 'em.

I'm (if you couldn't tell) feeling SO MUCH BETTER than I did all week. It's amazing to come out of these funks and find happy energy on the other side. The issues in life haven't changed, but I feel less troubled by them. And it's Friday, and it's payday, and it's Zen sex date day, and I have chocolate doughnuts. Life doesn't suck!

 

[icesong]

Agreed on WoW, although I was a raider for a while it was more of a social thing (half my guild was people I knew in real life). Have you played Dragon Age? The first one, especially, was Quite Good on story. (And I adore Diablo, I've been playing DIII on my PS4 a bit lately.)

 

[Spork]

Agreed on WoW, although I was a raider for a while it was more of a social thing (half my guild was people I knew in real life). Have you played Dragon Age? The first one, especially, was Quite Good on story. (And I adore Diablo, I've been playing DIII on my PS4 a bit lately.)

I just have really rare bits of time that I am able or willing to spend gaming. So it's like...I don't want to feel too invested, if that makes any kind of sense?

I haven't even bothered with the Hellfire expansion, or DII or DIII yet. I just roll through D1, kill the things, beat the end, get on with life. Heck often enough I don't even finish it, I get busy or move on to a book or show or project or something, and lose interest. Come back and start over. I like that it's no big deal but it's there if I feel like messing with it. It's easy.

Which reminds me, I need to read more, too. I have started and not finished several books, which sit in a small pile in my bedroom waiting to be picked up again. I'm in the middle of "The Ethical Slut," "Zeus is Dead," "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency," and "The Cthulhu Mythos"...

And I just ordered a couple of books by Midori, too.

I won't even get started on my art projects that are queued up in my head. Time management, it's a bitch.

 

[Spork]

OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS!

On the subject of gaming, I found out on Friday some exciting news...well, it was news to me because I don't follow game news.

So back in the early 90's, computers mostly didn't come with CD-ROM drives, it was still floppies (the little ones!) and consoles still mostly used cartridges. Philips created the CD-i system, which was super expensive and pretty much flopped because people back then didn't spend that kind of money on video games.

(At release in 1991, retail price was about $700.)

There was a game created for this system and for PCs (if you had a CD-ROM drive, which was an optional hardware upgrade most people did NOT have) called The 7th Guest. It came out in 1993.

When I was a kid...well, I would have been about 14 then...I would go across the street from my house, alone or with a friend, to a store (now out of business) called Service Merchandise. And I'd stand in front of a demo model they had set up to sell the system, and I would play The 7th Guest for HOURS. They did not stop me.

I LOVED THIS GAME.

The game was groundbreaking, being one of two games to revolutionize the industry with cinematics and 3D modeling of environments and such, the other game I believe was Myst and both are puzzle games. T7G is set in a spooky haunted house, has lots of funny inside references, and awesome music, and it's a brutally difficult logic puzzle game.

Well years later, in the early 2000's, I found a copy of the PC version at a thrift store, and I happily took it home and tried to play it...my computer and that disk did not play nice together, and I ended up having to run it in a DOS shell, which finally got it to work. But it was glitchy and buggy and froze up a lot. I enjoyed the visit to nostalgia, but ultimately my efforts to play it through failed.

So...the good news...the company, Trilobyte, that created the game went out of business a long time ago, but they are back (as of I think 2010?) and they remastered and re-released the game on Steam, Google Play, and iTunes. I WAS SO EXCITED! I'm STILL excited. I went home and bought it on Steam and I got in and played...so awesome... I read some of the Steam reviews and I had to laugh...I think they were left by young people who don't remember the original release. Complaints about the graphics and how hard the game is, how cheesy the cinematic acting is...man, this game was made in 1993! Shut. Up. And yeah. It's hard. You have to use your brain. I'm honestly not sure my mental faculties are up to it now, as they were when I was 14 and had that "baby smart" mental elasticity going for me.

We'll see.

So I might not have time to play it often, but I am VERY happy to have it. I'll probably get the Android version on my tablet at some point, too.

Oh, and if you're interested...it's cheap. The bundle of this game and its sequel, The 11th Hour, is just $9.99 total for both on Steam. So yay!

 

[Reverie]

My dad totally had that game when I was a kid, and I was trying to describe it to someone within the past year and they didn't know what I was talking about, so I pulled up clips of it from YouTube. Flashback city!

My dad was always a compulsive early adopter of technology—to the point where sometimes he'd spend our rent money on a fancy new stereo, to my mom's chagrin. Seeing the clips of that game instantly called up a whole time period of going to visit him shortly after my parents' divorce: that game and Myst, the first AOL disks, and cheesy synthesizers with echo effects through which he used to route recordings of my siblings and me through. Oh, the early '90s!

 

[icesong]

I remember hearing about that but I don't think I played it! I may have to check it out, though it'll be a bit before I get a chance to and we'll have to see if they Play Nice With Mac.

 

[Spork]

So for a recap of my weekend activities.

Friday night was Zen's night. We've been trending towards lots of sex energy but still some "ouch" stuff, and I am loving it, and loving him. I actually have a hard time keeping up with him sometimes. I'm not used to partners who will carry on overloading me with intense continuous sensations for hours at a time, and I've had to tap out more often than not.

Then we went to Denny's, and back to his place and I spent the night. Actually slept better than usual, and woke up to more sex play.

So I was supposed to take my kids to an amusement park in Denver on Saturday. But when I got home, my older son wasn't there, he was still out with his D&D group. So by the time I reached him and got him home, it was a bit late to set out for the park. I decided we would, instead, go to Bishop's Castle...I described it earlier in my blog, but my older son hadn't been there yet... And we did. and I was very proud of Ninja, he actually climbed all the way up into the highest points of the ironworks at the top of the towers. It's pretty terrifying up there. And then we had to hurry up and escape, because a thunderstorm was blowing in.

For anyone not wanting to go back to my prior post, wherever it's at, I encourage you to do a Google Image search for Bishop Castle. It's the life's work of one Jim Bishop, who is very anti government, anti authoritarian, "If I set out to build a castle I will damn well build one and you're not going to stop me." He literally built it, not with contractors and modern building methods, like, HE, by himself, built this thing. And has had it open to the public, unless I'm mistaken, more or less the whole time. He also has anti-government rants painted on signs all over the place. I love the place, it's a trip.

So then after we got back and I had a nap, I went over and spent a few hours hanging out with Analyst at his new place. I was in a much better mood than last time I saw him, and although we were still in "not talking about it" mode, we were pretty comfortable. We watched some Battle Bots and he wound up falling asleep on the floor.

Yesterday I spent the day trying to get my divorce paperwork filled out, and my son packed to go back and live with Old Wolf, which he is determined to do, in wanting to finish his last school year down there on that side of town. I'll be taking him back after work. I'm sorry to see him go, even if we didn't quite do all the stuff I'd hoped we would over the summer.

The divorce paperwork has me confused. This is the sworn financial statement I'm doing now. There are sections...
Income
Expenses
Liabilities/Debts/Payments
Assets.

As an accounting wonk, I get all of this, it makes sense...but the paperwork is really unclear on whether they want it filled out as combined numbers or separate numbers. There is no, "If you live as separate households, fill it out like this. If your finances are still combined in one household, fill it out like that." I started doing it under the assumption of distinct and separate...but then I got to the debts and the assets, and it seemed I was supposed to list everything as it pertains to BOTH of us. But then there is a part if I do it that way, where it has me do a formula of Income minus Expenses, minus Debt Payments, equals how above or below budget you are every month...

This paperwork, Old Wolf and I both have copies of it to do. That being the case, I should think it'd make more sense for each of us to do our bit as distinct, separate entities...but the wording on a couple of the sections doesn't suggest that's how we're supposed to. *sigh* Guess I need to call the paralegals that are helping us, and ask them.