Happier but confused

[sunshinestate]

I think if I were your wife, I would also feel reluctant to get re-involved with you until you resolve this with your girlfriend. There is the potential she could get hurt again, and she may not want to take that chance.

Exactly, and she is to an extent (reluctant). And I'm respecting that. The issue is more of my GF respecting my needs and freedom, and being ok with it...working through her own jealousy.

 

[sunshinestate]

There are many emotionally intimate relationships that should probably not become physically intimate. Nothing "wrong" with it... but the deep emotional bond can easily begin to erode, & be just a shell when the initial sexual thrill wanes.

There are many deeply loving relationships that should probably not live together. And there are many people who are great roommates & should never pile more intimacy on that, or the escalator leads quickly to the Peter principle.

And it sounds a bit as though you are bribing your girlfriend into acquiescing to your continued independence. While your personal financial situation is solid enough to consider underwriting TWO houses, I can see much long-term risk in this unless everyone involved is totally on the same page here -- you could find yourself out thousands of dollars (illiquid or simply gone) AND on the hook for much more as well. That doesn't strike me as a sound basis for any "loving" relationship, much less multiples.

Thank you for your feedback. As I've said, my GF is the one acquiring the loan and it will legally be her house. My name is not on the loan or title and I'm ok with that. I am assisting with a down payment, and I don't expect repayment of that money. We have had multiple discussions on the subject, and it's all good. She has wanted to own a house (she currently rents) and to us, it seems like a win-win. If you still see this as me "bribing [my] girlfriend into acquiescing to [my] continued independence", can you please elaborate?

I appreciate the perspectives on the different kinds of relationships, but I still feel I am figuring out what the best course of action is and trying to follow my heart as best I can. As a previous poster commented, now that the living situation is better, it makes sense that the relationship (with my wife) would improve and sometimes relationships like that can thrive.

 

[Magdlyn]

Exactly, and she is to an extent (reluctant). And I'm respecting that. The issue is more of my GF respecting my needs and freedom, and being ok with it...working through her own jealousy.

I'd be hella pissed if my gf decided she was done with her wife, and was going to be mono with me, and then she decided, AFTER we'd moved in together, that she wasn't done with wife after all, and wanted to keep dating her.

Tough love advice, feel free to take it or leave it. You're acting selfishly. It sounds like a bait and switch. You didn't want to be a full time partner to your wife. You didn't want to be a full time parent to your kid (what is up with THAT??), and you don't want to be a fully present partner to your new lover. You want to have your cake and eat it too.

But there are 3 other people who also have needs and desires: your wife, your new gf and your child. Do you really expect everyone to just cater to your desires of the moment and "get over" their jealousies/fear of loss and just go along with whatever you say and do?

I'd also feel sick inside as your gf if you "crashed" in the same house with your wife (having it be a MIL apartment doesn't make it any better) whenever things got sticky with me.

It just seems inappropriate. Polyamory takes open communication, negotiation and joyful consent of all parties involved. As a hinge, you have a big responsibility to think with your rational brain, and not just with your crotch. You stand in big danger of losing everyone. Not just your lover and wife. You might even lose custody of your child. Time to put on your big girl panties and deal.

 

[opalescent]

I know the whole "moving out-moving in" thing happened quickly, but yes...it was a financial necessity. I am the bread winner, and I am financially supporting my wife and child for the most part (80%). So in order to let them stay in our house, I had to move out but I couldn't afford a place on my own so I moved in with GF who was more than happy to have me do so. And I'm happy living with her as well.

I am right now assisting with GF purchasing a house, although only her name will be on it. And I am buying a different house for my wife, who wants to sell our house so we can have a cheaper mortgage. I could nearly afford both mortgages (both new houses) on my own because they're cheap, although GF is ok affording her mortgage by herself (but won't have to with me in the picture).

Please do not help your GF buy a house, and especially trying to do so without your name in the documentation. (If you are in the US, it is hard to gift money to help buy a house without your name being recorded somewhere - it's a requirement to prevent money laundering.) Once your name is associated with a property, it is possible for you to be roped into any credit problem that may happen. This may not be likely but it is not impossible. My own credit was dinged where I was listed as a contact - not co-owner - of a bank account of my ex-wife. She missed a payment and my credit was damaged for years. Not very badly but it happened. And now I will never mingle my name in any financial document with anyone without some serious research of the possible consequences.

It's just way too soon for you to be helping out in such a dramatic manner. I know lesbians and UHauls (been there, done that!) but you don't know your GF well enough - her financial habits and ethics - to do this. And this is true even if you can take the financial hit if it all goes south. Buying a house for someone changes the dynamic and that is true even if you are helping with down payment and not outright buying it for her. I also think it's way to soon to live with her. (Have you ever lived on your own? Perhaps it's time.)

Bluntly you need to focus your financial assistance on what will help your child the most. I realize you can handle financially helping out everyone but what if things go bad - you lose your job, your child or ex gets seriously ill, you get seriously ill, your GF gets seriously ill - you could be in a position where you could lose all of it and not be able to meet your responsibilities to your child. Perhaps you are wealthy enough that even if things go bad you can manage. If so, good for you! But even then, the emotional implications are really too much, too intertwined too soon. I really urge you to let GF buy house on her own, pay her rent if you want to live with her and let the entanglements develop more gradually over time.

As for her unhappiness about you possibly remaining or developing a new romantic relationship with your ex, well, have you heard of cowgirls? A cowgirl (or cowboy) is someone who get into a relationship with someone in an open or poly relationship who has other partner with the purpose of getting the partner she's interested into a relationship just with her, essentially 'roping off' the partner from the poly 'herd'. It rather appear that your GF has hopes that you will be just with her. It might well be true that she is fine with you having other partners - just not your ex. The way to test this is to see how she reacts if you go out with other people. If she reacts in a similar way to how she is reacting to the prospect of you continuing a romantic relationship with your ex, then you know you've got a cowgirl on your hands. This does not mean that the relationship is doomed - just that you know what the lay of the land truly is.

And of course, she might be right! She might be seeing problems with you continuing a romantic relationship with you ex that you are just not seeing right now. It might be a bad idea to be more than co-parent and friends at this point. You may want to put this on hold for a year or two and let the divorce settle. In other words, all this rushing around to live together, mingle finances, trying to be romantic with an ex, parenting your child - that' a lot! You don't need to be all things to all the people right now (except your child obviously). You can just be and explore and see what happens. Slow down.

 

[GalaGirl]

FWIW, here's my opinion.

Your greatest want seems to be freedom to date whoever you wish. Well... keep following that track. Don't be changing horses midstream -- that adds to your confusion.

• Get you into your own apartment.
  
• I can see buying the smaller house with wife so that finances become easier on all and child is solidly provided for. (If you live in the MIL apartment, do so only for a year.)
  
• Next up would be sorting our divorce paperwork. Provide for your ex and child and make coparenting schedule and all that.
  
• After that? Sort out if you and soon to be ex-wife want to still date as a non-married couple in a polyship.
  
• After that is sorted out? THEN see if you want to help GF buy a house and in what fashion. Gifting someone money -- talk to your banker about how to do it right so it doesn't ding you later and all the taxes are sorted out.

I suggest that order, and taking a few years to get though it. Get the old stuff done before tackling a new bullet point. Not trying to be doing it all at the same time!

You living in the MIL apartment on property for a year as the dust settles on that stuff might not be too bad. That's kinda like moving back in with wife and child, but not so close you go back to being unhappy as the adults sort out their business. And the child isn't experiencing SO much change at once. Slow the process down for the kid as well as the adults.

But if you can afford to live in an apartment and just rent out the MIL apartment on the new property -- could do it now rather than wait. That's a lot "cleaner." End up in your own space for the next year though -- however you do it.

FINISH sorting divorce things. And how dating wife or not afterward fits into that picture. At that point, wife would be in small house, you in your apartment (wherever it is) , and GF at her place.

Slow all this down, so you can finish sorting out what it is your really want from life while still attending to your responsibilities. Wife and GF have time and space to sort out what they want from their lives and if that includes still wanting to be in polyship with you under new circumstances.

If they get too "tug-o-war" with you, you have a place to retreat from BOTH. Right now you do not have that. There is the freedom TO date who you want that you are aware of. I wonder if you also want freedom FROM too much pressure?

Take a year. Do NOT rush to live with GF permanently. Overnights, fine. But slow down the GF entanglements. Thank her for the kindness in holding you during separation crisis for a few months, but seek to stand on your own before you try that living together with GF again. I think she took living together as a bigger thing than it was -- like some kind of increasing commitment to you.

Helping GF buy a house at this point in time? New business sounds premature when you have other business still left unsorted. It sounds like a potential mess and rushing in too fast.

It great that she wants a house, but if she wants it right now? She could get it on her own WITHOUT your help. If that means she has to wait and stick with her current place while saving some more for her downpayment -- it is what it is.

You are experiencing MANY major life changes at ones. The Holmes stress scale might be something you want to look at.

I could be wrong, but I am seeing at least

marriage separation (65)
divorce (73)
taking on new mortgage -- wife (31)
change in financial state (38)

change in residence (20)
change in health/behavior of family member (GF upset -- 44)
reconciliation -- if you and wife decide to divorce but keep dating (45)
taking on new mortgage -- GF (31)

which clocks in at 347. Which suggests 80% chance of major health breakdown in next 2 years.

If you only do the blue stuff right now, and deal with the rest slower? It's 207. Still high, but changes to 50% chance of health break down.

I strongly suggest you find a way to slow things down and not pile up all these happenings at once. Finish the old business first, before starting new business. And consider a therapist for extra support in this challenging time.

We are going through the Jealousy Workbook page by page together, and she's open to being poly, but I just don't think she's open to me being poly with my ex.

If that is your GF's bottom line? And it doesn't match what you want from your life because you DO want to explore things with your ex? Then you could break up with her and not be dragging it out or creating new entanglements with GF. Seek to reduce your stress -- not ADD to it.

Again, your greatest want seems to be freedom to date whoever you wish at this point in time. If GF wants more commitment than you can give right now, be honest and up front with her.

Galagirl

 

[IndieSolo]

Keep in mind that your ex and your gf don't have to like each other! So, gf making a fuss because she doesn't like the ex is irrelevant. Ain't her relationship to manage.