WhatHappened
Active member
Seems like a lot of other rotten people on this planet are making life difficult for the really great people like you and your wife.
Online dating blows
- Thread starter Belladonna
- Start date
Seems like a lot of other rotten people on this planet are making life difficult for the really great people like you and your wife.
Belladonna
Active member
Belladonna
Active member
Naw no reason to be sorry for other dudes. I know many girls who are as horrible. M.M. has a few dating sites that he is on and the other day he told me it was really hard for him to find a "real person" to talk to. I think the online world has created a lot of "fake" people. As in they have no problem saying things they would normally never say in real life and or pretend to be something they are not.
As time is moving on I am finding my interest are changing and maybe just meeting new people as friends that share the same views as me might be a better bet. If things happen naturally then so be it. If not that's ok and i have more friends for it.
clemenC
Member
I think that every time I've written a profile I did better than the last time. This time, I have a fair amount of messages but my box is not getting slammed. and I get the token gross messages, but I just delete asap.
I think the reason my profile is working best this time is because I was super specific with who I am and what I'm looking for. I'm honest and it helps to keep things fun. I tossed in a tiny questionnaire that is specified as optional to keep things light and fun while also giving both parties some insight into each other.
I must say that every time I start dating I always think, this is gonna suck! ... then I write a profile up like it's a game. you don't want to sound jaded or put people off but it's important to craft "filters" so that those who message, or rather the bulk of those who message, are people you would find interesting and worth your time.
maybe post your profile too, people here, myself included might be willing to give a little feedback.
I think the reason my profile is working best this time is because I was super specific with who I am and what I'm looking for. I'm honest and it helps to keep things fun. I tossed in a tiny questionnaire that is specified as optional to keep things light and fun while also giving both parties some insight into each other.
I must say that every time I start dating I always think, this is gonna suck! ... then I write a profile up like it's a game. you don't want to sound jaded or put people off but it's important to craft "filters" so that those who message, or rather the bulk of those who message, are people you would find interesting and worth your time.
maybe post your profile too, people here, myself included might be willing to give a little feedback.
Belladonna
Active member
I think that every time I've written a profile I did better than the last time. This time, I have a fair amount of messages but my box is not getting slammed. and I get the token gross messages, but I just delete asap.
I think the reason my profile is working best this time is because I was super specific with who I am and what I'm looking for. I'm honest and it helps to keep things fun. I tossed in a tiny questionnaire that is specified as optional to keep things light and fun while also giving both parties some insight into each other.
I must say that every time I start dating I always think, this is gonna suck! ... then I write a profile up like it's a game. you don't want to sound jaded or put people off but it's important to craft "filters" so that those who message, or rather the bulk of those who message, are people you would find interesting and worth your time.
maybe post your profile too, people here, myself included might be willing to give a little feedback.
Please be kind. I am not a writer and have a hard time putting my thoughts down. If anyone would love to help me write a better one I am all ears.
Here it is:
I am a hard working girl who likes to live life to the fullest.
I enjoy traveling. Any chance I can get to get away I go. Most weekends you will find me at the beach. Vacations are Disneyland, Monterey or Nevada. Next year my plan is to drive cross country. I love being completely spontaneous and getting up not knowing what to do with my day then deciding to just get in my little beach car and go somewhere.
I love finding new hobbies. Painting is my current obsession. I like to try out new recipes. I am a total foodie. Eating out and tasting different things can be so much fun. But I am a big food snob. I love good food. No fast food for me! Unless of course it's McDonald's fries.
I love to laugh and will find any way possible to laugh during the day. I am also very sarcastic and enjoy anyone who is as equally sarcastic
Also very honest, I would rather be honest and up front than make fake friends.
Belladonna
Active member
Awe thank you. I am horrible with words.
I'm looking for a friend/boyfriend that I can go out on dates with, text with, but also take the sex part super slow if it happens at all. Lol maybe that's not so realistic. I'm just really not looking to jump into bed. It's just not me.
Bluebird
Well-known member
Belladonna: Honestly? It reads to me as super generic. It doesn't give me anything specific about you as a person. Randomly choose any 10 profiles and they all say they love food, traveling and some sort of arty craft. Not knocking you, as it is well written, but tell me something interesting! What do you want? What are you looking for? What makes you stand out from the other 10 randos I just read about that like the exact same 3 things? Tell me about the most delicious thing you ever ate - or the worst. Do you dip those fries in your milkshake, or does that gross you out? I look for something memorable when I read a profile, something we can have a conversation about.
GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Hi Belladonna, I agree with Bluebird and Nycindie, your profile is well written and nice, but... Have some fun with it! Especially on okc, you can let your personality shine through in the subsections. Like, my "first thing people notice about me" is a goofy paragraph about being dragged around in a tangled web of leashes by my dogs
Also, I think you said you don't have a picture on your profile??? I get being sketched out by the idea of strangers looking at your photos. But most people who are serious about meeting won't message someone with no picture. And also - there is something about a photo that humanizes you. I have found that I get waaaay fewer "bad" messages with more pictures, in addition to more "good" ones.
Also, I think you said you don't have a picture on your profile??? I get being sketched out by the idea of strangers looking at your photos. But most people who are serious about meeting won't message someone with no picture. And also - there is something about a photo that humanizes you. I have found that I get waaaay fewer "bad" messages with more pictures, in addition to more "good" ones.
MrFarFromRight
Banned
a) I have never been on OKCupid.
b) I have only read the first few replies to this post, so somebody might have written something like the following in the meantime. But:
Can't you put - right at the beginning of your profile?: "I am polyamorous. I am NOT a swinger. I am not INTERESTED in swinging. If you don't know the difference, do NOT contact me. I would rather send you a pic of my left big toe than of my tits, so anyone looking for a quick wank, just leave me alone! I am interested in the possibility of a serious relationship. If you are not mature enough for that, I don't want to hear from you. I will block anybody who doesn't respect my choices."
You might still get contacted by die-hard, hard-on idiots (block them), and you might scare off a few potential poly types (those scared by strong women), but I understand that there are enough poly people on OKCupid who will understand EXACTLY where you're coming from... and appreciate the no-bullshit approach.
You might throw in: "More interested in love [or "romance"] than in sex, though romance WITH sex is best option."
MrFarFromRight
Banned
So, a little bit of editing:
a) "cross-country" can be any distance, so (in case this is what you meant): "One plan for next year is to drive across the country" (or "from San Francisco to Maine" or how about: "One plan for next year is to go on a few rides at Disneyland, drive across the country, and go on a few more at Disneyworld. Looking for fellow traveller
). EuroDisney will wait for a few years - unless you're willing to pay the tab. HA!!! (And find me a new job.) seriously, though, let's take this one step at a time. (2,700 miles is a reasonable first step. )"?)b) Change order: "I love finding new hobbies. Painting is my current obsession. I am also a total foodie. (This counts as an artistic hobby: I like to try out new recipes. Just how brave are you?)"
c) I love to laugh and will find any way possible to laugh during the day. One of my forms of humour is sarcasm (also an artform). Not, I realise, everybody's cup of tea. Would you like a cup?
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
As has been said, be much more specific. These are things that everyone says and they don't convey anything about who you are or who you're looking for. Your written profile isn't only for imparting information, it's for giving people a feel for your personality and who you are and when someone says generic things like this, it conveys that the person is just like everyone else. For instance, instead of saying that you love to laugh, use phrasing that shows your humor. Don't tell us that you're sarcastic, be sarcastic. Instead of saying that you live life to the fullest, give us a few examples and not just a list of activities but tell us why you love some of your standout experiences. A few concrete examples will say much more than abstractions.
Definitely put up photos. You can't even start with online dating without being OK with showing what you look like. A lot of people try to do it without photos and I have no idea how anything comes of it. You say a lot about yourself via your photos, they are not just to show your looks.
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Belladonna
Active member
So, a little bit of editing:a) "cross-country" can be any distance, so (in case this is what you meant): "One plan for next year is to drive across the country" (or "from San Francisco to Maine" or how about: "One plan for next year is to go on a few rides at Disneyland, drive across the country, and go on a few more at Disneyworld. Looking for fellow travellerwilling to share expenses (among other things
b) Change order: "I love finding new hobbies. Painting is my current obsession. I am also a total foodie. (This counts as an artistic hobby: I like to try out new recipes. Just how brave are you?)"
c) I love to laugh and will find any way possible to laugh during the day. One of my forms of humour is sarcasm (also an artform). Not, I realise, everybody's cup of tea. Would you like a cup?
Thank you so much for the response. You gave me a lot to think about.
My plan is to drive cross country to the east coast (Maine, Virginia, etc). I love history and would love to go to historical places back east. Also visiting haunted places and cemeteries is a hobby of mine.
So yes just by writing that to you I can see how generic my post is. I am a very eccentric person (or I at least think I am) and should probably put more of that in my posts.
MrFarFromRight
Banned
Definitely mention the haunted places and cemeteries. I have, this week, seen 3 people (on the same thread here, so it wasn't a coincidence) saying that they thought cemeteries are a good place to go on an early date. The historical mention should also attract like-minded people.
You write that you love to laugh. You want to attract replies from people that appreciate humour? Then make your profile funnier!
RUourcouple
New member
If you would care to hear a couple of comments from the male gender I wouldn't mind chiming in. I read your generic profile and thought it was okay but I was left wondering what your relationship status was??? Obviously from this site I do know that you are married and poly but your OKC profile doesn't relay that message. My wife and I are on OKC as a couple but I (male) am the one who is more in search because she is currently in a 2 year relationship with her boyfriend. We have a profile that specifically states we are married and would welcome either a female friend or a couple for long term relationships.
I was a 92% match with one female according to OKC but when she wrote back she informed me that she was christian and christian people do not get involved in poly relationships. That is not God's plan. I felt violated to be chastised like that. Either OKC needs some help in their matching or some people are not very honest in filling out their wants and needs. Be prepared to meet all kinds.
Still we hold our heads up and feel we have no need to be ashamed of our search. Our desire is to bring love and friendship to someone who would otherwise feel like something is missing from their lives.
I was a 92% match with one female according to OKC but when she wrote back she informed me that she was christian and christian people do not get involved in poly relationships. That is not God's plan. I felt violated to be chastised like that. Either OKC needs some help in their matching or some people are not very honest in filling out their wants and needs. Be prepared to meet all kinds.
Still we hold our heads up and feel we have no need to be ashamed of our search. Our desire is to bring love and friendship to someone who would otherwise feel like something is missing from their lives.
Spork
Active member
Because you've never been on OKC, I find it understandable that you might suggest something like this, but I don't think it's a good idea.
One big issue with online dating sites and profiles (and really the whole thing) is when people get frustrated with it, and then project the frustrated vibe into profiles and/or messages. I am bisexual so when I was on OKC, I was looking at both men and women. Frustrated men will describe the kind of woman they do NOT want to meet.
"If your pics were taken 10 years and 50+ pounds ago, don't message me"
"Tired of the friend zone, if you aren't ready for a real <man/relationship/whatever> then don't message me."
etc.
And women putting up the warning signs in the profile...that's the first contact, that's like you walk up to a lady and smile and say hello, and she immediately screams "ARE YOU AN ASSHOLE? I'M NOT HERE TO MEET ASSHOLES! I WILL NOT SHOW YOU MY TITS!!" like out of nowhere. It's...hostile.
EDIT: Point is, if trying to meet men or women, as a man or a woman, the last thing you want to do is convince them that you now completely dislike and mistrust the opposite gender because your experience has taught you they're just a bunch of awful people. It's like accusing someone of bad stuff before you've even met them. Not so nice.
And so many women have front-loaded the profile with either disclaimers, or descriptions of the kind of men they would rather NOT hear from...those kinds of things become a pattern, you see it enough times and you're like, ah. She's doing that thing. *sigh*
Once I noticed how many women do this, I had to really edit my own profile, as it was a bit disclaimer heavy. We often feel like we have to confess all of our flaws up front to make sure a guy "knows what he's getting into" with us, apparently.
My favorite profiles were funny or clever or both. There is a man who now works at my work (weird coincidence) and even though he fell into a "too young for me" category, I HAD to talk to him, because his profile was so cool. It was long. Like a million miles long. It took me an hour to read it. But it was HILARIOUS. I wish I were still on OKC so I could try to find and link it here. I like little inside references, too, quotes and such, to books, films, etc.
Be careful about repetitive phrasing. It makes your writing boring and bland.
I love....., I'm a total..........
I love........and plan to .............
I love ........... etc
You really LOVE all of that? Mix up the sentence structure and switch out some repeated words. And try to avoid a few words that too many ladies use, a couple that I can think of: "fake" and "drama." Also anything about "playing games"...much as we might want to say something about that, it's overdone. Instead of saying that you are honest and avoid fake friends, maybe say something like,
"You can count on me to let you know where you stand. I am a real cards-on-the-table kind of woman, and I won't leave you wondering what I'm thinking or what I mean. So at the risk of being a bit forward here, if you need the sort of date who will have you playing Mystery Dinner Theater at every stage, then I might not be the one. I prefer to be classy and tactful, without being coy.
But don't get me wrong, classy and tactful doesn't mean I'm afraid to get my hands dirty, and you'll find me some days with flour, or paint, garden dirt or motor oil, right up to my elbows."
Not all of that applies. But that is HOW I would write this kind of stuff. I'd convey the fact that I can do many hats, or paint a little picture of what life with me might be like.
As for what you are looking for, you want to try and describe the wonder that is polyamory.
"I am a married lady looking for a paramour, an adventuring companion, a lover and a friend. I am absolutely not a cheater or a swinger. I am polyamorous, which means that my wonderful, supportive husband will know all about us, and you'll never be a dirty secret. It also means that a deep, awesome, loving relationship is on the menu, not just a fling. Don't expect to put the sex cart before the relationship horse here, guys, just because this gal is already hitched. But if you've got the patience, the ride through this pretty country might just be worth your time."
I would not personally use that wording (because I'm not into the country thing) but I'm illustrating use of fun language to get a point across. Of course I think it's a fact of OKC that some men will always hope they can proposition you for sex or whatever, and you've just got to filter through those.
I don't think it's bad to allude to the possibility, but carefully done in such a way as to state that he's going to have to put in the time and effort to gain your trust first.
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IndieSolo
Active member
I think Mr. FFR's disclaimer idea is a good one, though I'd soften it a bit. It might help. But then again - it might not, since very few guys actually read the profiles. Anyone on OKC for any length of time who sees something like that would understand the frustrated tone.
My OKC profile had at the top: "Please mention something in my profile to prove to me that you read the damn thing. I put a lot of thought and care into writing it and will not respond to messages that only mention my looks." It didn't weed out the scattershot copy-paste dudes, but did provoke some great messages and convos with some very cool guys.
Also, when I uploaded pics that obscured my face or only let a sliver of it show, I had much better responses than when I was totally out there. I got a few messages from scary mentally ill people when full pictures of me were up, and I did not like knowing that my face was out there for people like that to see.
My OKC profile had at the top: "Please mention something in my profile to prove to me that you read the damn thing. I put a lot of thought and care into writing it and will not respond to messages that only mention my looks." It didn't weed out the scattershot copy-paste dudes, but did provoke some great messages and convos with some very cool guys.
Also, when I uploaded pics that obscured my face or only let a sliver of it show, I had much better responses than when I was totally out there. I got a few messages from scary mentally ill people when full pictures of me were up, and I did not like knowing that my face was out there for people like that to see.
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Belladonna
Active member
Ok so I read all of the replies and changed what I had to say. Please let me know what to add. Also I want to say that I posted it last night and already had a few interests. Oh and also I do not plan on adding my picture. I have no problem giving it through kik but not for everyone to see. There is a gentleman on there that is going to be a CEO of a very well known company and works with my husband. No reason to mix my personal things with my husbands business. (Yes I understand people will still find out but I would rather not advertise it)
Here goes:
Hi. Thanks for coming and checking out my page. I do not have a pic up but I am on kik and will exchange pictures that way.
A little bit about my self. Well first off I am very fluent in movie quotes. I am not big into watching regular tv shows but movies I have pretty much seen them all.
My go to's are comedies to match with my sarcastic humor but I also enjoy a good thought provoking film.
I enjoy traveling. This summer alone I put four thousand miles on my little beach car. My favorite places to go are half moon bay and Santa Cruz. I go for the beach and the food.
I am pretty spontaneous and will try anything once. I think if it scares you then it's worth trying.
Other than traveling I enjoying going to baseball games in Oakland and concerts of good bands. One of the best concerts I have ever been to was the Fray. If you like their music I highly suggest going to see them live.
I am married and in an open marriage. First and foremost I am not looking for drama. I love my life and look forward to meeting new people. I am hoping to find friends on here that can turn into more.
Here goes:
Hi. Thanks for coming and checking out my page. I do not have a pic up but I am on kik and will exchange pictures that way.
A little bit about my self. Well first off I am very fluent in movie quotes. I am not big into watching regular tv shows but movies I have pretty much seen them all.
My go to's are comedies to match with my sarcastic humor but I also enjoy a good thought provoking film.
I enjoy traveling. This summer alone I put four thousand miles on my little beach car. My favorite places to go are half moon bay and Santa Cruz. I go for the beach and the food.
I am pretty spontaneous and will try anything once. I think if it scares you then it's worth trying.
Other than traveling I enjoying going to baseball games in Oakland and concerts of good bands. One of the best concerts I have ever been to was the Fray. If you like their music I highly suggest going to see them live.
I am married and in an open marriage. First and foremost I am not looking for drama. I love my life and look forward to meeting new people. I am hoping to find friends on here that can turn into more.
RUourcouple
New member
In my opinion that sounds like as much information as a person would need for openers to see if there is any interest. The only thing I would change would have been to bring out your relationship status first rather than last. If the reader was into the open relationship status, they will still be reading by the end.
I may spend some time fine tuning my OKC profile after reading your dilemma. It is unfortunate that the real problem with meeting your possible match is not their personality and interests. The problem can be LOCATION. Miles can kill your meeting possibilities,ie you and your hubby are in Cali and we are upper midwest so other than a chance meeting once in a blue moon why even express an interest.
Wife- poly and dating H
Hubby- poly but without relationship at this time
H- straight single bf to wife and friend to hubby
I may spend some time fine tuning my OKC profile after reading your dilemma. It is unfortunate that the real problem with meeting your possible match is not their personality and interests. The problem can be LOCATION. Miles can kill your meeting possibilities,ie you and your hubby are in Cali and we are upper midwest so other than a chance meeting once in a blue moon why even express an interest.
Wife- poly and dating H
Hubby- poly but without relationship at this time
H- straight single bf to wife and friend to hubby
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