It's a Texlahoma Story

I am sorry :(

(And wow, what a blow with the birthday. )
 
I feel you on all this stuff, in so many ways. I am sorry you're going through this, but I think the others are right.

Ultimately...putting up with a thing that is making you very unhappy, just because of high sexual compatibility, well it's the very definition of "thinking with your little head" that they warn us all about, is it not? Women do it, too. It isn't sustainable.

(Says the girl who would STILL have a hard time turning down an invite to go hop in bed with the sociopathic worm farming wierdo from last year. Whatever, never said I was perfect lol!!)

Congratulations on growth, on understanding and honoring yourself. Condolences on the Dag relationship and the pain that comes with change. I understand feeling hurt because you aren't getting what you need and then having to watch someone else get it. And I feel you on expressing a need to end or change a relationship, and SURPRISE! the other party is not as ready for it as you'd thought they would be, or hasn't seen what you thought was pretty obvious. And there you go, all signs point to basic incompatibility in your needs and investment, styles of loving and overall mindset here.
 
Everyone who's posted has said things better than I can, so I'm just going to offer some more hugs...

So sorry, Claire :(
 
I am so sorry Claire! You are not a failure for recognizing that your needs weren't being met and making the choice, after a lot of discussion with your partner about how they aren't being met, to put yourself and your emotional well-being first. You've tried, really hard, to make your relationship with Dag work for you. You've discussed what wasn't working for you with him multiple times, he said that he heard you and understood and would try, and then nothing changed. You communicated and he either shut down the communication or didn’t follow through on it. It's easier, I know, for you to blame yourself than to blame the person you love so very much, but he does at the very least share in the responsibility for this ending, it is not all your fault. <hugs>
 
It's all pretty much been said, but just wanted to chime in as well and say that I'm sorry that you're hurting and that no, you're not a failure at all. You gave the relationship many chances to improve to become what you need and it just couldn't be that. No shame in finally ending things because of that. But it still hurts and still sucks, even if it is the best decision for you. So allow yourself time to grieve but keep reminding yourself that it was still right.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I'm sure everyone who reads this remembers how hurt I was that he didn't do anything for my birthday. The few times I've brought it up - mentioning "not celebrating birthdays and holidays as one of the reasons I feel unimportant - he's insisted that his family just doesn't make a big deal of them.

Last week was his wife's birthday. He sent me pics of him out shopping with the kids, pics of them all out at her birthday dinner. It was just salt in a wound. And somehow even worse because he didn't realize it.
Click to expand...

I think that—more than salt in a wound—it may be likely that the reason that this was the straw that broke the camel's back is that you basically caught him in a lie! He "insisted that his family just doesn't make a big deal of them" as an excuse for doing nothing for yours, but experience showed you that, in general, "not a big deal" actually doesn't mean "nothing" in his family.
 
Hugs. You are definitely not a failure! You can't control other people or make them into who you want them to be. You told Dag things weren't working for you. You tried to keep communication open. At the end of the day, he wasn't who you wanted or needed him to be, and that's no fault of yours.
 
Spork said:
And I feel you on expressing a need to end or change a relationship, and SURPRISE! the other party is not as ready for it as you'd thought they would be, or hasn't seen what you thought was pretty obvious. And there you go, all signs point to basic incompatibility in your needs and investment, styles of loving and overall mindset here.
Click to expand...

Yeah. That part is soooo frustrating. I felt like I was basically stating the obvious - I'm unhappy, and he feels like his hands are tied and he can't change things without screwing up his life at home. I just said it out loud first. But ... To him I was coming out of nowhere, and not giving him a chance, and I'd been lying and hiding things... :(

He kept saying he doesn't know what to do next. It took everything in me not to get all snarky - "well, you get up tomorrow, and you don't call me, and you don't spend time with me, and you don't have sex with me - it's just like when we were together!"

I kept it grown up though. I'm proud of myself for that. Except... it didn't matter. He was still hurt :(

I had a lot of the same feelings when things when downhill with my ex Tyler, and I handled it horribly. HORRIBLY. Like, scathing angry non stop texts while he was at work, accusing him of cheating, throwing tantrums and threatening to break up if he didn't meet me RIGHT NOW ... Just incredibly immature shit. And I was determined to do better by Dag. To be fair and mature. I tried, I did, I talked about stuff, I was honest, and then when nothing changed, I said, ok, this isn't working, let's stop forcing ourselves into this boyfriend-girlfriend thing.

But it's almost like Dag expected tantrums and manipulation and screaming fights. Like since I didn't get to that point, I didn't really show I was unhappy. Fuck. I can't win.

All day I have wanted to text Dag to... I don't even know. Say hi. Tell him I'm thinking about him. Let him know I meant everything I said about wanting to be friends. Andy says wait another day or two. Sigh.

I'm distracting myself by chatting with Renaissance. If I wasn't so consumed with feeling guilty about Dag, I'd feel guilty about using an awesome guy as a distraction.
 
Dag does sound rather clueless -- or basically unwilling to open his eyes to reality.

GirlFromTexlahoma said:
All day I have wanted to text Dag to... I don't even know. Say hi. Tell him I'm thinking about him. Let him know I meant everything I said about wanting to be friends. Andy says wait another day or two. Sigh.
Click to expand...
You may want to do the 40-day no-contact thing that Opalescent and others often recommend, just so your head is clear before communicating with him again.

GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I'm distracting myself by chatting with Renaissance. If I wasn't so consumed with feeling guilty about Dag, I'd feel guilty about using an awesome guy as a distraction.
Click to expand...
You have no reason to feel guilty. You talked to Dag about what was making you unhappy and he said he heard you, but didn't change a thing. Then the outright we-don't-do-anything-for-birthdays lie. You have been miserable for months on end with only a few moments of feeling optimistic here and there - now, hon, what exactly should you be feeling guilty about? That he felt bad when you ended it? Are you supposed to stick it out in an unsatisfying, anxiety-provoking bad relationship that made you feel like a piece on the side... just to be nice?

And it's not a terrible thing to talk to Renaissance to keep your mind off Dag. You know you are chatting with Ren for more reasons than that. Nothing to feel guilty about there, either, because remember - you did nothing wrong! Yes, it is okay to end a relationship one day and actually enjoy talking to another guy the next day, or the same day. No one is going to think less of you for wanting some more pleasantness in your life after so many months of angst and tears and feeling shitty about yourself. Put it in perspective.

(((((((MORE HUGS)))))))
 
Last edited:
Since starting practicing poly, I have found that dating a DADT person is as bad as dating a cheater, from my end. You're still the same dirty little secret girl on the side. No bueno. I need more respect than that from a partner, because I respect myself.

You probably did him a favor, in the long run, self growth-wise. He may come to learn he just can't treat people like that... except women with low self esteem willing to accept scraps of attention only when it is convenient for him. If he's happy with that kind of woman, bless his heart.
 
Amen to Magdlyn about this being a wake-up call for him. (Not meaning to imply you have low self-esteem.)
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
But it's almost like Dag expected tantrums and manipulation and screaming fights. Like since I didn't get to that point, I didn't really show I was unhappy. Fuck. I can't win.
Click to expand...
Have you considered, that if he expected that, it only means he hasn't grown up from that phase of throwing tantrums yet?
 
Doing the right thing for yourself sucks, doesn't it? I'm sorry you are in pain. It won't be forever, although that probably is a ridiculous thought right now.

Yeah, the tantrum and cluelessness is rather unattractive.

I stole an idea from NovemberRain, who posts here once in a while, of a 40 day no contact with an ex after a breakup. No phone calls, no texts, no visits, no social media for 40 days.

It gives you the space to process the break up and grieve without him being in your face literally or electronically. The little over a month time frame is long enough to start getting some space and distance from the break up. And it breaks the habit of being in contact frequently. I've found it's also very helpful in 'resetting' the relationship to one of friendship. I've been able to stay friends with my recent exes in large part because of this no contact break. I strongly recommend it.
 
Well, I'm starting to see why people recommend going no contact after a break up :cool:

I sent Dag a short email yesterday, just saying again that I'd like to stay friends. He replied today and... I dunno. It was the same shit all over again, saying he doesn't see how he could have given any more of himself than he did, how he's super busy at work, super busy with the kids. Dude, I get it. You were busy. Too busy to give me the amount of time or emotional support I need in a relationship. That's ok! Shit happens! That's why I said I needed to not be your girlfriend! Do we have to have the same damn conversation over and over again?

He also said that he can't imagine being around me and not touching, kissing, etc - that he thinks it will be awkward. Which makes me very sad. It's hard not to feel it as punishment - I took away the sex, so he's taking away the friendship in retaliation. I'm trying to not be hurt but I am.

This whole thing just SUCKS. I do not understand why relationships can't change instead of ending completely. This is why I hung on for so long despite being unhappy - because this has happened before. No matter what someone says, they disappear when you end the sexual part of the relationship. I just want to stomp and flail like a kid - NOT FAIR.

Except, I'm not a little kid, and I get that Dag can consent or not consent to friendship with me. So instead of tantrums, I just have tears.
 
On a more fun note - still chatting with Renaissance :) He is truly the most interesting person I've met in YEARS. "Met", lol, we haven't yet, but we have dinner plans next week.

In addition to his IT job, his art business, and his kink business... He is also a musician and HE FOSTERS BUNNY RABBITS. I can't even with this guy.

There is insane friend potential. There is also insane hot kinky sex potential. The erotic stories he wrote me were amazing. After about 4 of them, the whole thing started to feel a tiny bit like "pretty girl bats her eyelashes and tells boy how smart he is" ... So instead of my usual praise, I wrote the next chapter in reply. Did a decent job with picking up his voice and style too. Now we're taking turns writing a few pages each, it's quite fun ;)

And - he made me custom handcuffs :eek: The pictures are swoon worthy. He was very cool about it, asked before he started, was clear that this was meant simply as a gift he thought I'd like and not as any symbol of anything. I appreciate him being super honest and direct. Also, taking the time to make them!!! I don't feel deserving of gestures and presents these days. But I'll take them!

But. He is sooooo not my usual type. So I may meet him and just go, nope! I hope if that happens he will still be up for at least casual friendship. I'm kinda sensitive about that right now, see previous post lol:rolleyes:
 
Yeah. Letting the person know you need to go no contact for good length of time can be so important. I tried to be cool and friendly too soon with one ex who broke up with me and it ended up messing with my head for a long time. Dag sounds like he could really use the time out and you seem to know you really need it too.

Ending of relationships is never fun no matter how or why. At least you have given yourself an end in sight of the unhappiness brought by the relationship.

Leetah
 
Am I remembering correctly, that when you ended it with Dag, you did NOT tell him about the birthday thing? If so, he is lacking specific information about what he did that felt so very hurtful to you and how, exactly, that broke the camel's back on top of all everything else. Without that info, he only has a general "I wasn't there for you enough" idea of what was wrong.

I am surprised, though, that you're surprised that he can't imagine right now being only friends and not lovers. Not only is the breakup still fresh, but you've had indications before that Dag looked at the relationship as being primarily focused on sex. Not that he didn't/doesn't love you, but his connection to you seemed to be mostly through the physical. I hate to say it but maybe you kept hoping it was more than it ever really could be, for him.

I think no contact will be good for you. And Renaissance sounds like a fun and caring guy!
 
Last edited:
I was told by Punk he has lost romantic feelings for me, and he wants to just be friends now, for the foreseeable future.

I am finding it wicked hard to wrap my head around that concept too. I haven't seen him in a week. I am sure he is just waiting for me to text him and invite him over to hang out. But I've decided to let 10 days go by. So, on Monday I am going to message him. It feels like forever, because we saw each other twice a week for almost 9 months. Then his mom died and he fell out of regular contact. 6 weeks have gone by since she died. Today is our 10 month anniversary. :(

If I didn't feel bad for how he is grieving and restructuring his life, I'd probably do the 40 days no contact thing too. I really desire him sexually, so meeting only to sit and talk on the couch, with no happy endorphin filled intensely sexy cuddly time, cuts out a lot of what I liked in our relationship. He says he always remains friends with exes. I however, rarely do. For me it is very difficult to go from sex partners to merely friends.

Just adding my perspective.

Renaissance sounds cool. I hope it works out.
 
nycindie said:
Am I remembering correctly, that when you ended it with Dag, you did NOT tell him about the birthday thing? If so, he is lacking specific information about what he did that felt so very hurtful to you and how, exactly, that broke the camel's back on top of all everything else. Without that info, he only has a general "I wasn't there for you enough" idea of what was wrong.
Click to expand...

True. Maybe I should have said something. I just worried that, if I made it about one specific incident, he'd just come back with a bunch of reasons and excuses. I didn't know you wanted to go out for your birthday, we only went out for my wife's because the kids wanted to, stuff like that.

I am surprised, though, that you're surprised that he can't imagine right now being only friends and not lovers. Not only is the breakup still fresh, but you've had indications before that Dag looked at the relationship as being primarily focused on sex. Not that he didn'tdoesn't love you, but his connection to you seemed to be mostly through the physical. I hate being to say it but maybe you kept hoping it was more than it ever really could be, for him.
Click to expand...

He actually said something along those lines - sex was the root of our relationship blah blah. Ouch.

Magdlyn said:
I was told by Punk he has lost romantic feelings for me, and he wants to just be friends now, for the foreseeable future.

I am finding it wicked hard to wrap my head around that concept too. I haven't seen him in a week. I am sure he is just waiting for me to text him and invite him over to hang out. But I've decided to let 10 days go by. So, on Monday I am going to message him. It feels like forever, because we saw each other twice a week for almost 9 months. Then his mom died and he fell out of regular contact. 6 weeks have gone by since she died. Today is our 10 month anniversary. :(

If I didn't feel bad for how he is grieving and restructuring his life, I'd probably do the 40 days no contact thing too. I really desire him sexually, so meeting only to sit and talk on the couch, with no happy endorphin filled intensely sexy cuddly time, cuts out a lot of what I liked in our relationship. He says he always remains friends with exes. I however, rarely do. For me it is very difficult to go from sex partners to merely friends.

Just adding my perspective.

Renaissance sounds cool. I hope it works out.
Click to expand...

I appreciate this, thank you. It's hard for me to understand because 1) I get lots of endorphins cuddling my platonic friends and 2) turning off sexual feelings is very easy for me, plus if I have them and can't act on them it's not bothersome to me. Sometimes it helps to be reminded I'm an outlier in those ways!

I know a big part of wanting to stay in touch and stay friends is that it would help my guilty feelings. Because that's the overriding emotion I have right now. Guilt for being selfish, guilt for hurting someone I love, guilt for wanting to move on and be with someone else someday. :(

Also, y'all, okcupid lies!

You know how a week or so after you join, you get that click bait email that's like, "Congratulations! You're one of the most attractive people on OKCupid" or whatever? And they say now you'll get matched with more attractive people?

Well, for the first time I actually logged back on and let them sort my matches instead of sorting by match percentage. Ha! My new people are not more attractive. The only difference is, I spent 20 minutes scrolling through people who were 10% compatible with me. Sigh.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
True. Maybe I should have said something. I just worried that, if I made it about one specific incident, he'd just come back with a bunch of reasons and excuses. I didn't know you wanted to go out for your birthday, we only went out for my wife's because the kids wanted to, stuff like that.
Click to expand...

Yeah, more explanations and defense mechanisms. Who needs that. Glad you kept it short and sweet.


He actually said something along those lines - sex was the root of our relationship blah blah. Ouch.
Click to expand...

That hurt? Well, you know, you've said here many times the sex was the best part of what you had going with Dag. Long hours of intense wonderful sex. I know YOU wanted more. But admit it, the sex was great. And you don't get enough of the right kind of sex from Andy. So, it definitely fulfilled that need of yours at least.
I appreciate this, thank you. It's hard for me to understand because 1) I get lots of endorphins cuddling my platonic friends...
Click to expand...

Well, sure. I get endorphins from cuddling Pixi when she isn't feeling sexual. I get endorphins from cuddling kids and stroking cats at my childcare jobs. I get endorphins from the brief hugs I get from platonic friends and my adult kids, and from my granddaughter's hugs and snuggles. But, I don't get the huge endorphin rush actual orgasms give, and then the long soothing afterglow as the endorphins linger. Hell, breastfeeding my children gave me (gives all women) warm cuddly low grade oxytocin rushes, it's nature's way of making mothers want to nurse, but it's nothing like sex.

...and 2) turning off sexual feelings is very easy for me, plus if I have them and can't act on them it's not bothersome to me. Sometimes it helps to be reminded I'm an outlier in those ways!
Click to expand...

You are. You're welcome. I am really struggling with being downgraded from lovers to friends with Punk. I am not sure he wants to keep "snuggling." And I know snuggling someone I am attracted to makes me horny so... it really wouldn't help.
I know a big part of wanting to stay in touch and stay friends is that it would help my guilty feelings. Because that's the overriding emotion I have right now. Guilt for being selfish, guilt for hurting someone I love, guilt for wanting to move on and be with someone else someday. :(
Click to expand...

Aha, I bet one reason Punk wants to remain friends with me is guilt over hurting me with his current lack of romantic feelings and desire! I know he's tended towards feeling a lot of guilt since his mom died, at the relief he feels from the caretaking being over, the new freedom. Maybe he has guilt about me too. Hmm...!

He must think it helps to let me know that he LIKES me still, despite losing his desire for me. Well, I guess it does, in a small way. He told me on our second and third dates I was as much fun vertically as horisontally. I appreciate very much he likes me as a friend. I like him that way too! But still, I am afraid sitting close to him on my couch, inches away, close enough to smell him and feel his body heat, my thwarted unrequited desire for him will do more harm to my psyche than good. Also, going out on a friend date, shopping, hiking, a restaurant meal, I know I would admire his good looks and cute ways from afar, and just fucking WANT him. Frustration, adrenaline and cortisol instead of the 5 times increase in oxytocin and the endorphins that sex brings? Um, I think the choice is obvious which I would prefer. Sexual release even lowers my back pain for a while.

I think it will stress me out, to be so close yet so far, when what I want, desire, need, is excitement, full on naked pleasure... The way, after we'd chatted a while, he would hug me and murmur, "Wanna go play?" flashing his crooked grin, his mischievous sparkling eyes laughing into mine. The scent and texture of his black richly curled Italian hair as my face and lips touches it, the taste of his mouth, our slippery tongues wrestling and massaging each other, the sensuous tickle of his goatee and cheek stubble, the cute idiosyncratic way he would rub his nose on mine. Being embraced by his entire sexy body, the way I would melt when the tense masculine muscles and smooth skin of his arms would embrace me, the fun jack-in-the-box way his cock would release when he would unbutton his jeans, already hard and moist with pre-cum from kissing. Or the equally fun feeling of taking it semi-aroused into my mouth and making it harden helplessly with desire. The delicious sensation and challenge of his insistent friendly happy cock thrusting into the back of my throat. The way he grasps my breasts, smooshes them together to suck the nipples simultaneously. His excited sounds when he passionately gives me oral sex, the rhythmic rollicking fucking, like the surf smashing on the shore. The hearty spanks on my ass he used to love to give, alternating several series of intense whacks, delivered by hand or flogger, with the reward of vigorous finger fucking, and ass kisses, admiring the pink color of my cheeks out loud. Then his penis entering me, opening me, stretching me. The multiple orgasms he'd give me, mercilessly, patiently drawing out as many as I could deliver, soaking his hands, arms, face, neck, cock and belly with my juices, and finally the warm delicious feeling of being spent and drained and bonded afterwards, the snuggles, the little nap entangled in each others' arms and legs.

Yeah. I miss that a lot.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top