Three months ago I joined a couple and became their girlfriend. At first it was very good, we all had fun and I felt very wanted. However, over time my girlfriend appears to be losing interest. She rarely texts me, doesn't seem that interested when I'm over. I've brought this issue up and let my feelings be known, but she insists she wants me and that I am overreacting. Now today is her birthday and I wasn't invited to spend it with her. I'm incredibly hurt that I am not being involved but I don't want to ruin her birthday by throwing a fit about it. Does this seem irrational or does this seem like a reasonable reason to be upset? Is it too much for me to ask for more communication and attention and involvement, or should I be respectful of their apparent decision not to involve me? Help.
Being The Secondary Partner
- Thread starter MoonQueen
- Start date
This sadly, is extremely common in "forced" triads. It seems to happen more often than not, in a FMF triad, that one or the other of the women is OK with a few sexy threesome trysts, and then she starts to pull back from the other woman.
Usually it is because the "primary" partner is only doing the threesome to keep her man happy. Or on the other hand, the "unicorn," aka the shared girlfriend, aka the Hot Bi Babe (HBB) really only wants the guy, but he is only offering a package deal of "fuck me, fuck my wife."
Usually it is because the "primary" partner is only doing the threesome to keep her man happy. Or on the other hand, the "unicorn," aka the shared girlfriend, aka the Hot Bi Babe (HBB) really only wants the guy, but he is only offering a package deal of "fuck me, fuck my wife."
You may be right about her just wanting to keep her man happy. It just sucks because I don't want to lose them, but they are a package which to me was great because I'm bi and I really like her, genuinely. And it sucks because she is so adament that she wants me to be her girlfriend but when it comes to things like this, I get left out. I don't think she even thought to invite me, and that hurts the most.
I am not sure at which point to express disappointment - maybe you could just wish her happy birthday and ask her if she is going to celebrate it. If she says "yes, I'm going out with my husband" you can say that you would have liked to go too.
But basically I would let her know that you would like to celebrate with her. You understand that she decided to have an evening with just her partner today (did she? or is she too busy to really celebrate?), but would she be up for a "birthday date" with just you some time soon?
If that is what you want of course. But I think that way you get more involved with her. The idea is to point to the problem but also propose a constructive solution which would satisfy you - that is far from throwing a fit.
But basically I would let her know that you would like to celebrate with her. You understand that she decided to have an evening with just her partner today (did she? or is she too busy to really celebrate?), but would she be up for a "birthday date" with just you some time soon?
If that is what you want of course. But I think that way you get more involved with her. The idea is to point to the problem but also propose a constructive solution which would satisfy you - that is far from throwing a fit.
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Inyourendo
New member
Are they out to their friends and family? It might be the case she wants to keep the relationship under wraps
I'm so new to this I didn't know what a unicorn was but reading up on it, that's exactly what I am to them... I can't sleep with only one of them it has to be both at once every time. I always go to them, they don't come to me. I'm told quite often that I'm just being silly or overreacting when I voice that I don't think my needs are being met. Now I just feel stupid. 
But at least I know my concerns were somewhat valid. Thanks for the advice guys.
But at least I know my concerns were somewhat valid. Thanks for the advice guys.I am sorry you find yourself in a situation like this. No need to feel stupid about anything - don't judge yourself too harshly! You are new to polyamory, you can't possibly know everything right from the start.
Now is the right time to start educating yourself about poly relationships! There are so many variables. Find out more about the fascinating world of polyamory, and then decide what you want for yourself. If you still want to keep dating your couple, you can more assertively ask for what you want and need when you first know it yourself.
A good place to start is (in addition to this forum, obviously) the website and book More Than Two. They have a good page about secondary relationships. Worth reading.
Now is the right time to start educating yourself about poly relationships! There are so many variables. Find out more about the fascinating world of polyamory, and then decide what you want for yourself. If you still want to keep dating your couple, you can more assertively ask for what you want and need when you first know it yourself.
A good place to start is (in addition to this forum, obviously) the website and book More Than Two. They have a good page about secondary relationships. Worth reading.
Thank you I definitely really enjoy being in a relationship with a couple, this is my second time, the first I was in a relationship with the male only and his fiancée occasionally joined us to play but her and I were never expected to bond. That ended because him and I had some issues, nothing to do with his fiancee. So when I met this couple I was excited that she wanted to be my girlfriend and not just a sex partner, as I have dated women before. But so far it seems like I'm more of an afterthought, and she rarely responds to my texts. Sometimes for days. I've brought it up and they just dismiss it. It's hurtful.
My boyfriend and I are doing great, he's very caring and affectionate and attentive. I know I should expect that his and our relationship and me and GF's relationship will progress at a different pace, but three months in I don't feel we've gotten much closer, if anything drifted apart. It's frustrating. It's nice to talk to people who have experince though haha. My friends are accepting of me but not really able to give much advice.
My boyfriend and I are doing great, he's very caring and affectionate and attentive. I know I should expect that his and our relationship and me and GF's relationship will progress at a different pace, but three months in I don't feel we've gotten much closer, if anything drifted apart. It's frustrating. It's nice to talk to people who have experince though haha. My friends are accepting of me but not really able to give much advice.
IndieSolo
Active member
It sounds like you're in a situation that will never really be satisfying to you in terms of developing deep and mutually nurturing and nourishing relationships with the two of them. Maybe you would benefit from cutting your losses now before you are even more attached and it would be messy and icky to exit stage right.
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
One thing about living and learning (and hopefully, maturing) is that you don't take things personally so much as you get better at discerning information and using it to make choices that are better for yourself. Usually when someone doesn't return tests it means that they are:
1. An old person who doesn't understand texting
2. A long time friend who gets a pass on many of their quirks
3. NOT INTERESTED
Everyone has time to return texts. I guarantee you that even Barak gets back to Michelle within a few hours. When someone is of interest and important to you, you respond.
I think that's the likely next step. It sucks I have to lose my boyfriend too.
He and I had no problems. Feeling pretty bummed out about all of it.jayblue122
Member
Does your husband want to be monogamous? Are you okay with being monogamous for him?
IndieSolo
Active member
I think that's the likely next step. It sucks I have to lose my boyfriend too.
Yeah, but you said you weren't allowed to have sex with him unless she was there, and they always expected you to go to them - basically it sounds like you were being used as a sex toy and marital aid, I am sorry to say. There was no respect for your uniqueness and autonomy and you couldn't develop your relationships on any terms but theirs. There was no compromise and he is as responsible for that as she is. I think you are better off without them.
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Hi MoonQueen,
It's possible that your girlfriend only shows interest in you in order to score points with her man. Does that make sense? It's not necessarily anything you're doing wrong, it's just the dynamic with the couple you're interested in.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It's possible that your girlfriend only shows interest in you in order to score points with her man. Does that make sense? It's not necessarily anything you're doing wrong, it's just the dynamic with the couple you're interested in.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
missmindful
New member
I am new to Polyamory as well, and I must say that you have really come to the right place. Please don't feel stupid. Your instincts are spot on. You know that you don't like how you are being treated and you are acting on that feeling. It seems to me that you are poly by nature, so you should start educating yourself now. From what I have read, they call bi females unicorns for a reason- ]because they are impossible to catch.] This couple is not taking your needs into consideration, and they are dismissing you when you try to communicate your feelings to them. They have a rule that you are only allowed to sleep with both of them at the same time. What is important is deciding what you want. It sounds to me as if you know what you want- You want to be a girlfriend to a couple, and have separate interactions with both partners as well as three way interactions on both a sexual and personal level. It also sounds as if over time, you may be interested in forming a triad with the right couple. If I am right, I am pretty sure that there are plenty of couples who would love to catch that unicorn. Follow your gut, it seems to be leading you in the right direction. Good luck!
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BelleRose
New member
I agree with many of the other responses to your post.
It seems that this couple may be interested in having their (or his) fantasy of having a third fulfilled. Because this fantasy existed before you, and will likely exist after you if you choose to leave, it could be more about the fantasy of a triad with that perfect unicorn/HBB than it is about you, yourself, personally.
The down side is what you're experiencing now. Feeling left out, feeling like you aren't being fulfilled, because as their relationship existed prior to you in their eyes, your role is to fulfill it, the relationship, without the relationship being responsible for fulfilling you. That has to hurt, and I think you'd be completely justified if you walked because you want and deserve more.
The up side is that it likely isn't personal. Even if you'd like it to be, because you show genuine interest in both parties and would like them to reciprocate that genuine interest. But if it isn't personal that's a good thing, because it will allow you to walk away and find more for yourself more easily.
You don't seem to have done anything wrong here, and it's perfectly valid to have the expectations that you have. I think this couple may have just been thinking more about what you were going to bring into their lives and not as much the other way around.
It seems that this couple may be interested in having their (or his) fantasy of having a third fulfilled. Because this fantasy existed before you, and will likely exist after you if you choose to leave, it could be more about the fantasy of a triad with that perfect unicorn/HBB than it is about you, yourself, personally.
The down side is what you're experiencing now. Feeling left out, feeling like you aren't being fulfilled, because as their relationship existed prior to you in their eyes, your role is to fulfill it, the relationship, without the relationship being responsible for fulfilling you. That has to hurt, and I think you'd be completely justified if you walked because you want and deserve more.
The up side is that it likely isn't personal. Even if you'd like it to be, because you show genuine interest in both parties and would like them to reciprocate that genuine interest. But if it isn't personal that's a good thing, because it will allow you to walk away and find more for yourself more easily.
You don't seem to have done anything wrong here, and it's perfectly valid to have the expectations that you have. I think this couple may have just been thinking more about what you were going to bring into their lives and not as much the other way around.
Whiskeyginger
New member
I agree with everyone else, you should go now and learn the hard lesson here that some people get into poly for the wrong reasons, and that you deserve to have a wonderful girlfriend who wants you around always, who would never go days without talking to you, who isnt using you for some band aid for her marriage or any other relationship that is tanking. I know you will lose a lot, and it will take some time to heal , but you are so worth a real genuine connection and this sounds like a dumpster fire.
sdguitarguy
New member
GRrrrrrrrrrrrrrr >:-(
Nothing pisses me off more than hearing that. Huge red flag, screaming sirens, etc
Thanks all for the advice. Well it ended, and hurt fully kind of as expected. We hadn't been intimate in weeks and when I brought it up I got treated like suddenly I was asking too much of them, and they have a kid to take care of how do I expect them to be able to spend time with me once a week (this was never an issue before) basically blamed me for not fostering a good relationship with my girlfriend (who was the one who pulled away from ME) and told that I had put a strain on their relationship. They finally admitted my gf wasn't interested in me (no shit! Why didn't they admit that sooner and save me some time)
Anyways... It was always about me just fitting into their life IF they had time. They never really MADE time for me and then chastised me when I let them know my needs weren't being met. Talked to me like I was interrupting their life when they invited me into it. I'm pretty broken up about it all. Been a rough few days. Lots of crying, I can't sleep. I know it was for the best but that doesn't make it hurt any less!!! Beware the warning signs is my advice... your first instinct is usually the right one, I know mine was and I should have listened to my intuition. Sigh.
Anyways... It was always about me just fitting into their life IF they had time. They never really MADE time for me and then chastised me when I let them know my needs weren't being met. Talked to me like I was interrupting their life when they invited me into it. I'm pretty broken up about it all. Been a rough few days. Lots of crying, I can't sleep. I know it was for the best but that doesn't make it hurt any less!!! Beware the warning signs is my advice... your first instinct is usually the right one, I know mine was and I should have listened to my intuition. Sigh.