Problems in Paradise

G

GShelter

New member
I'm head over heals in love with my boyfriend, just as he is for me. We have been going out for about 7 months now and since the beginning we have said we wanted to have an open relationship but haven't had many other partners. I only slept with another man during the first month and he a mutual acquaintance around 3 months ago.

During the past 2/3 months he has been having issues with the thought of another man sleeping with me to the point that I held off having relations till his exams were finished about a month ago. During that time I was searching for properties so that we could move in together as we were practically living in the same room together since we met. Unfortunately we've had some issues with that as I spent a month looking everyday for a beautiful place for us, got it secured, then his references fell through and we have most likely lost it because of that. He said he would sort it out but hasn't put that much effort in which is slightly aggravating as we have uni starting in about 2 weeks.

Anyway I told him about a few days ago (we live apart at the moment, since about 2 weeks) that I would potentially be sleeping with a guy friend of mine, as we always let each other know what our intentions are and try to be as open with each other as possible. He was not happy at all, saying that he may not be able to talk to me for a week etc. Nothing ended up happening unfortunately.

He didn't call me at all during the time, I was a bit nervous about how he was feeling as he's a bit of an anxious character. I called him and he lets me know that he'll probably sleep with this girl later that night out of the blue. They ended up sleeping together, we chatted again today briefly and he's sleeping with her again tonight, and the next couple days. He said it was great because he doesn't feel as possessive over me and has gotten over his previous feelings as he understands what it would be like (although I'm not entirely sure that's true as he's more the anxious/jealous type than I am!) I'm now feeling insecure as the house we were meant to live together fell through and instead of spending time on sorting out his references/finding a new one he's working trying to get money for his holiday to turkey in 6 days with a mate for 2 weeks, shagging a new girl and partying.

I feel a little unappreciated and jealous. We went from speaking everyday nearly all day to him having to put the phone down after 20 minutes because he's expecting to see the other girl. I don't feel like a priority anymore I guess. I don't mind him sleeping with her, but I do find the intimacy a little hard to deal with as it went from nothing to intense in one fell swoop and he never took into consideration how it might make me feel a little uneasy with him seeing someone so frequently! I guess he also isn't taking into consideration how frequently he will see her, knowing that I'm having a hard time even though we said in the beginning of the relationship that we would only do what we both felt comfortable with. I don't want to tie him down and be controlling, but I'm having a hard time dealing with my insecurities especially as I won't see him for another 3 weeks and we haven't sorted out living.

He reassures me that I'm special to him, and that no one else comes close, which I believe. But I still have some fear/jealousy/hurt feelings that are difficult to overcome! I didn't feel this way with the last girl he slept with, which makes me think it could be the external factors, mixed with the fact that we aren't physically together as we're 3 hours away at the moment. I have told him how I feel but I don't know what to do apart from see friends and forget about it for now! I'm also afraid of pushing him away with my jealousy! Any advice? :)
 
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Hi GShelter,

I am unsure what to suggest that might help you. Perhaps it would help to figure out what you need from your boyfriend independent of other people he's seeing and what they're getting. Then you can ask him for what you need and decide what to do next based on whether he can or is willing to work with you on that.

There are some web pages I know of that may help you analyze what's going on.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Also there is a book you can read, "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola. Perhaps both of you could be helped by tapping into these resources.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think anyone would need reassurance after a living situation falling through like that. I would be putting that issue first - ask him for a firm date by which this will be fixed. If you feel he's setting it aside and that isn't ok - having a deadline should help you feel more secure. If he then doesn't follow up by that date, then you know where you stand, if he hasn't made it a priority.
 
Ughh, oyyy... I can so feel you on this one! I totally get why you feel the way you do, and I'm sorry you are going through this.

I feel like his behaviour is a bit of a red flag. I would be uneasy with it and feeling insecure about the situation, as well.

I wonder if he is pushing you away because he is having trouble coping with things?
Perhaps he is having a bit of a shame cycle regarding the references?
Or perhaps he is pushing away his hard feelings about poly, by diving head first into sex and partying?

Sometimes I see it happen where people think that going out and having lots of sex with others will mitigate the pain of knowing their partner has been (or might be) sexual with someone else. Like, an unconscious "you can't hurt me if I hurt you first!"

I feel like you need to put your own self-care first here. Having an uncertain living situation is super stressful. Maybe have a conversation about how you are feeling stressed out about it, and that he needs to get on board with finding a place, or you will have to do what is right for you and get a rental on your own?

Also, maybe point out the correlation of his behaviour with this new woman, in a loving and non-accusatory way. I know for me, if my partner asks about if behaviour X could be related to reason Y, I might not have even realized it and can humbly own up (and then change it). When this happens, I my love for him grows even more, as he sometime sees me better than I see my own self.

Seven months is not all that long, in the big scheme of things. As much as you love each other and as much time as you may have spent together over the last seven months, the truth is, you are still getting to know each other. Maybe this aspect of his personality is just now coming out, since you haven't been in a situation like this before. It's really important to look closely at how a person handles hard scenarios (especially when considering them for a life partner or long-term, live in partner).

Are they self-reflective? Do they face the hard stuff head on, or practice aversion? Do they get angry and lash out when things don't go their way? Do they compromise? It sounds to me like he deals with his pain/struggle by being a bit rebellious, a bit irresponsible, an a bit inconsiderate. Maybe he just needs you to hug him, love him, reassure him, and SEE him. I like to practice the rule of giving my partner what I, myself, feel like *I* need.

If that doesn't work, then perhaps take some time to reflect on the difference in priorities between the two of you, and decide if that's something that is going to feel okay in a long-term, live-in partner.
 
School is starting in 2 weeks and he is gone for 3? And you with housing issues? I would say, for a number of reasons, that if you are ok in your current place you should put off the moving in idea for some time. You don't need the hassle during the school year.

As River Goddess said, 7 months is a short time really. You are in the New Relationship head over heels stage still. Not the best time to make decisions like moving in together. He is showing some worrisome signs as a potential roommate - references which were no good, not fixing the references, going out of town and partying leaving you to cope.

The failure in communication between the two of you on a number of issues is concerning. Both of you are struggling and it is hard to tell if you are understanding each others needs for reassurance and clear expectations. Will he be incommunicado while on holiday? You two have a bunch of stuff to discuss but email while travelling may or may not be the most effective means depending on how distracted he will be.

Good luck.

Leetah
 
Thanks for the replies you guys have helped me out :D! I have chatted to him and feel more secure as he said he'll spend tonight with her again but the next two nights looking for new properties and sorting out his references.

I have also told him that I am keen to live together but if it's not sorted out by the time he's flying out in 6 days time then I'll be looking for a place on my own. :rolleyes:

He was also being more attentive today although the moment I mentioned that I would enjoy seeing someone else to explore some aspects of my sexuality he went very quiet and pensive. He mentioned jokingly that he wants to have his cake and eat it and that he finds it hard to see me with someone else as he's a bit possessive in that sense. He even mentioned that I was lucky in the sense that I have already seen him have a connection with someone else and the hurt is over and it can only get better from here while he has to worry about the fear of who I might find. I don't necessarily agree with this hypothesis as compersion and jealousy aren't going to be an incredibly easy road to conquer. Also I don't agree that after ripping the first bandaid with a second partner that it's only smooth sailing from there.
 
I am sorry you struggle. FWIW?

I think you could go ahead and be looking for a place on your own NOW and postpone living together for at least another year.

He even mentioned that I was lucky in the sense that I have already seen him have a connection with someone else and the hurt is over and it can only get better from here while he has to worry about the fear of who I might find.
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Seriously? He says you are "lucky" that when you try to be honest and up front? He responds with behavior that pushes you away, does something that sounds more like "revenge dating" rather than dating the woman because he likes her for herself, and "punishes" you by ignoring you for a while, and causes you some upset, and STILL doesn't get his housing things together? And then says he wants his cake and eat it too -- like Open for him but not for you?

How's any of that lucky or awesome for you? :confused: To me it sounds like a drag to be dealing with. As a BF and as a flaky potential roomie.

Slow it down would be my advice. Spare yourself the flaky roomie part of it and don't live together yet. If you continue to date him? Do NOT give him the heads up when you plan to share sex with someone.

DO continue to be up front. Tell him who you have been with since the last time you were together and what your safer sex practices were BEFORE you offer to share sex again with HIM. Then he can still give full consent from a place of full information. But not so far ahead he can have a cow in an attempt to prevent it or whatever.

He already knows this is an Open relationship. Shouldn't be a surprise you are in charge of your own body and your own time and sometimes you will be with other people. He is in charge of his body and his time and he can be with other people.

But right now it sounds like he's taking you giving a well meant heads up as opportunity to pitch a hissy so you are distracted attending to him. Where is the pleasure in that for you? :confused:

I have also told him that I am keen to live together but if it's not sorted out by the time he's flying out in 6 days time then I'll be looking for a place on my own. He was also being more attentive today although the moment I mentioned that I would enjoy seeing someone else to explore some aspects of my sexuality he went very quiet and pensive.
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I find it interesting that he starts paying attention to you again after you get firm about the housing thing and tell him you will get you own place without him if he doesn't get his stuff together. Like he wants you where he can see you.

And then he withdraws/pushes away again when you tell him you are going to see some guy.

Push-pull Ping pong stuff.

If he has THIS much of a hard time when you are NOT living together, how much harder will it be living together? And you have your guests over in your bedroom of the new place?

I think you guys could stay living apart and date longer. NRE last 6-24 mos. Don't move in at least til then to be sure you REALLY know each other well and have already experienced the other one with other partners. That way if it gets hard, you have a separate home to retreat to that is quiet to process.

Def don't live together until he's done some work on himself and gotten over wanting a double standard like "Open for him and not for you."

Galagirl
 
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GShelter said:
He even mentioned that I was lucky in the sense that I have already seen him have a connection with someone else and the hurt is over and it can only get better from here while he has to worry about the fear of who I might find. I don't necessarily agree with this hypothesis as compersion and jealousy aren't going to be an incredibly easy road to conquer. Also I don't agree that after ripping the first bandaid with a second partner that it's only smooth sailing from there.
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In my experience, your intuition is correct. A new adjustment needs to be made every time me or my (live-in) partner meets another. Of course, some things do get simpler and easier over time, but this is usually the result of learning how to successfully problem solve with my partner, rather than a magical 'we just get used to new partners' transformation. With other less-entwined partnerships I have I feel less of a disturbance when they meet new people, but it's not like it's a non-event. On some trivial level, even the most casual of relationships is affected by a new person entering the picture, even if it just means you now have to see your lover on a Thursday instead of a Friday.

I would be tempted to see if your partner could be true to his word. If you are set on living with him, then see if he steps up and does what he said he will do re: references and finding a place. However, the point that previous posters made is a valid one: if you guys move in together, is the intention that you are both able to host others in your shared space, or is this off-limits? Have you discussed this with him already? I imagine that right now, while you are both in a period of adjustment to polyamory, that maintaining separate living spaces could actually help you both maintain healthier boundaries with one another. I'm not saying that it's foolish to move in with him, only that moving in will change your dynamic with him, and you are both still in the throes of sorting out the new poly dynamic as well. It's totally reasonable to want to lighten your processing load and only deal with one major change at a time. So think about it before you sign a lease.
 
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