Should we tell Hosts about possible awkward tension with ex at dinner party?

[breathemusic]

Wow, while I appreciate the more general feedback that clarifies that it's better to just let it go and see what happens.... some of you guys are making this WAY more dramatic and overblown than I ever did, and it's MY issue. Chillax. I never freaked out, worked myself up, or whatever you all imagine happened. Not every question or request for advice needs to be treated like some panic ridden post! I simply wanted to know what the standard etiquette was in this sort of situation.

Sure, his ex might have seen the invite list, but you have to very specifically go into the event, then click on the guest list to see that. I had commented on things so my name was already out there and obvious, my partner hadn't. If we was sure she already knew he was going, my partner wouldn't have even reached out to her. We happened to both think that it was polite to at least make sure she knew he would be there since she was the one who made the decision to keep her distance and didn't want her to feel all "surprise, the ex that you hate is now at this small intimate dinner party and you have to be stuck in the same room with him for hours!" Aside from the heads up, there was no intent to pester her further.

I also never specified whether I expected to give the hosts some long history and paint her in a negative light. That's a bitch move and something I would never do. I truly was hoping that she would actually act like an adult and not bring drama. As someone else pointed out, there's a difference between saying "oh look, this person is horrible and might cause drama" vs just saying "hey, just so you know, these 2 people have history. I'm sure everything will be fine, but wanted you to be aware."

And as I noted, even something to that extent I wasn't sure was appropriate, hence the ask. And after hearing the responses saying that it's better to just give her the benefit of the doubt and if she were to act out, then we could decide how to react, I agreed that it was the best decision. But prior to asking, I had been trying to put myself in the hosts shoes and wonder if I would want a heads up if this were my event, vs balancing wanting to respect her autonomy and not color their judgment of her (or us since it's all related).

If anyone actually cares to know what happened... My partner and I were the first ones to show up, his ex and her husband were the second (go figure) and she proceeded to not say a single word to either of us, not even a polite "Hi" and refused to even make eye contact with my partner. Fortunately, her husband was actually pleasant with us both. We just acted normal like we always do, but also didn't push interaction on her. So we continued to have a great night talking to the hosts and everyone else, who thankfully showed up soon after. I'm guessing most people didn't notice her extreme avoidance other than maybe the host couple, and they said nothing, so she actually may have even said something to them herself since they made no attempt to introduce us to each other in the beginning, etc. If anything her desire to avoid him so much just kept her sitting further away from the bulk of the group and to a small extent just limited her ability to interact with as many of the guests. But meh, that's her choice, her issue, her loss.

Either way, it still ended up being a great night. We didn't let her bother us, and we didn't bother her. Issue over.

 

[Leetah]

Yay!

Leetah

 

[kdt26417]

Thanks for that update, breathemusic, I was wondering how the dinner party turned out. And I agree that more of a big deal was made of it here than was warranted.

 

[anita]

Glad to hear it went well! Of course they both showed up first

 

[Bluebird]

I'm glad things went well. And of course they would be the first ones there, along with you. lol

 

[Ravenscroft]

some of you guys are making this WAY more dramatic and overblown than I ever did
I never freaked out, worked myself up, or whatever you all imagine happened.

Ooooo...kay. I guess I could apologize for misinterpreting the use of fear words:

my partner and I have been conflicted

she apparently decided to make it super dramatic with a bunch of "I NEVAR want to speak to you again!" stuff.

At a small private dinner that's really fucking awkward.

which I can only imagine will be weird to everyone else

like she's going to bring drama

possibly wondering wtf is going on and worry that they've done something

I'll be damned if a relationship from 2 years ago is going to force us to have to pick and choose

we're perfectly capable of acting like mature adults with her.

I mean, it does look like quite a litany of trigger words, mood shapers, emotional cues... but I've been wrong before.

Very nice to hear that you chose the Adult route, & that the Zombie Apocalypse never coalesced.

 

[WhatHappened]

It's exactly this lengthy sort of response, like the long worrying over it to begin with, the 'chillax,' that would make someone think you're worried about this.

And I'm sorry, but when you approach a third party making it clear SOMEONE ELSE might 'act out,' that's the very definition of triangulation and setting someone up to be seen as the bad guy. Throughout this whole thread you have made it clear that you and your boyfriend are 'mature adults,' whereas she's someone engaged in drama and 'acting out.'

Her side of the story might be very different, and in the meantime, you acknowledge she's done absolutely nothing to him since telling him she wants nothing more to do with him. Given a history of doing nothing, why would there be any reason to think she would now 'act out.'

I'm glad you chose not to say anything, and not at all surprised it went well. Her past behavior as you described it, was every reason to think she had no intention of causing any trouble.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

My husband's sister pretended he didn't exist at their grandma's funeral. It was super awkward and everyone thought she was being a total bitch, which she was. We had zero fucks to give, so we just acted all fake nice and everything, and she just looked away without responding.

 

[WhatHappened]

Triangulating is commonly discussed in terms of narcissists. It's essentially playing two people off each other:

I also ignore one of my siblings at family holidays. I call it being civil and polite. She has behaved horribly and has no intention of changing. She'll do it again, so I simply keep my distance.

If XBF were to walk back into our arts group, no I don't think I'd have anything to say to him. Why would I? He broke my trust, he treated me like a second class citizen, he pulled some very ugly moves on me and set me up, in our last conversation, to drop a very undeserved bomb on me. I don't do these things to my friends, so if someone does them repeatedly to me, no I don't consider them to be friends until they show a change. He has shown himself to be someone who will use my words against me, so I keep my distance.

By the same token, I'm not going to cause trouble for him, either. I think the ex-girlfriend did what most people will do--simply stayed away from someone who probably hurt her (breakups often involve some level of hurt) and she did nothing to cause trouble. Sounds to me like a mature adult.

 

[breathemusic]

The point of the lengthy intro post was to provide the back story between them that would indicate why there was concern to begin with.

When people ask pretty pointed questions on this forum with no background info, the typical response I often see it "we need more info, what's the back story?" Yet when that is provided up front apparently that's interpreted as the poster being overly worried about something or thinking about it too much? Logically, I just don't get that since it's not like it takes all that long to jam out even a few paragraphs in a post and ask a question. Not specific to my post, but related to all posts, I don't think the length of the post really has anything to do with how strongly the poster feels about that topic. Some things just take more words to describe/provide background/etc. than others.

And on top of that, something that really could have been handled with a pretty easygoing response like the one that GreenAcres provided turned into rants that to me, just seem inflammatory, especially after I'd already responded and said "yeah, thanks all for the insight, I see your points and we'll just not say anything!"

But yes, the "chillax" post does seem sort of necessary, as does this one, because even though the matter is over and the point has already been made in polite ways people are still being all "OMG, how dare you freak out and triangulate against someone!" (even though the advice was already taken). I just fail to see how some of the responses on here lead to constructive dialogue or do anything to keep this online community feeling inviting to those who have questions or are seeking advice.

At this point, I'm beyond caring about the topic of my original post seeing as it's long over and much more concerned with the confrontational attitude of the responses. I've enjoyed participating on these boards for a while now, but the catty attitudes that I feel have been cropping up more and more are not why I joined and certainly not providing any incentive for future members to join or actually want to interact this this community.

 

[WhatHappened]

The thing is...catty and confrontational are often a matter of perspective. I fully agree with you there can be some very blunt and confrontational things said here--probably because it's on the internet--but that doesn't mean anyone who says this looks like triangulating is intending to be catty. You asked a question, I answered, and told you why I think it's a bad idea to talk to the host. That, to my mind, is neither catty nor confrontational, and was not intended to be.

I'm glad things worked out well in the end.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I also ignore one of my siblings at family holidays. I call it being civil and polite. She has behaved horribly and has no intention of changing. She'll do it again, so I simply keep my distance.

I think when you're in close family situations, it's uncomfortable for others if you pointedly refuse to even say hi. I'm not suggesting the sister should have sat down and had a long conversation, but making an elaborate point of saying nothing when someone simply says hello? That's just rude.

But then I'm laid back and I don't seem to get into these problems. I can say hi and even make small talk with anyone; I've read Carnegie's book.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

At this point, I'm beyond caring about the topic of my original post seeing as it's long over and much more concerned with the confrontational attitude of the responses. I've enjoyed participating on these boards for a while now, but the catty attitudes that I feel have been cropping up more and more are not why I joined and certainly not providing any incentive for future members to join or actually want to interact this this community.

It's all good. Some people just love the sound of their own keyboard. I fall into that at times myself, and we start having meta-discussions wherein the original topic is long since lost. You just have to identify the difficult players, shake your head, and don't bite the bait.

 

[WhatHappened]

I think when you're in close family situations, it's uncomfortable for others if you pointedly refuse to even say hi. I'm not suggesting the sister should have sat down and had a long conversation, but making an elaborate point of saying nothing when someone simply says hello? That's just rude.

But then I'm laid back and I don't seem to get into these problems. I can say hi and even make small talk with anyone; I've read Carnegie's book.

You're assuming that there's an 'elaborate point being made.' You're also assuming that the someone in question said hello in the first place. She doesn't, and if she does, I do say hello in return.

And in an extended family gathering, actually, no, nobody notices at all if I don't talk to a particular person.

You're also making judgments without knowing the background. I have a friend, for instance, whose sister is guilty of sexually abusing her through her childhood years and who now, as an adult, continues equally abusive behavior, including name-calling, swearing, yelling at her, judgments aimed at her, and even throwing things at her. Is she guilty of being 'rude' if she finally stops saying hello to this woman at family gatherings? Is she guilty of not being able to get along with this woman?

As a matter of fact, I've read Carnegie, too.

And as a matter of fact, I've found that outside of my family, a group of narcissists with alcoholic problems, I also get along quite well with virtually everybody. Perhaps your family is also chock full of alcoholic narcissists who target you with verbal and physical abuse and you get along great with them. Perhaps like my friend, your siblings have sexually abused you and continue to abuse you and yous till get along great with them.

My choice, however, is to stay away from those who cause trouble, and if anyone is 'uncomfortable' with that, they need to tell my sister to grow up and stop causing trouble repeatedly.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

You're assuming that there's an 'elaborate point being made.' You're also assuming that the someone in question said hello in the first place. She doesn't, and if she does, I do say hello in return.

Sorry for the confusion. I may have inadvertently implied something about your family and situation, but I was referring to this one incident with my sister-in-law(1) at the funeral. We were all pallbearers and thus put in a small room together with the other 2 grandchildren/cousins and their spouses. We smiled politely and said hello. Her husband said hello but she looked at us, huffed, and looked away.

You're quite right that it's generally easy to avoid someone without making a scene. We did it all the time when their mom was alive and we'd be forced over for all the usual Christian holidays. Since his mom died, we were more than happy not to exchange a single word with her until that funeral, and haven't considered saying a word since. But, having been forced into a small room together, we were trying to behave like adults and be cordial, and she just made it into a situation. Luckily everyone else had enough tact to just roll their eyes and get back to the usual cousin catch-up and small talk.

(1) Really, "in law" is all it is for either of us. He's adopted and there never was any kind of attachment there.

 

[Bluebird]

If XBF were to walk back into our arts group, no I don't think I'd have anything to say to him. Why would I? He broke my trust, he treated me like a second class citizen, he pulled some very ugly moves on me and set me up, in our last conversation, to drop a very undeserved bomb on me. I don't do these things to my friends, so if someone does them repeatedly to me, no I don't consider them to be friends until they show a change. He has shown himself to be someone who will use my words against me, so I keep my distance.

By the same token, I'm not going to cause trouble for him, either. I think the ex-girlfriend did what most people will do--simply stayed away from someone who probably hurt her (breakups often involve some level of hurt) and she did nothing to cause trouble. Sounds to me like a mature adult.

This really struck me, because I could pretty much write this, word for word, about how I feel about talking to my ex, WarMan. When someone breaks your trust, and shows that they are someone who uses words to wound, it's better to just stay away and not continue any sort of relationship. I can certainly be civil and say hello, but there is zero reason to try and be friends. My friends don't treat me that way.

We only have one side of the story here from BreatheMusic, about the breakup between these people, but for whatever reason, the ex doesn't want to even acknowledge them. To me, that is either someone who is really crazy, or really still wounded by what happened. In either case, there is no reason to engage. You don't engage crazy, and you don't try to force someone who is hurting to converse if they don't want to. It sounds like things went as well as they could have gone. I am glad of that!

 

[anita]

At this point, I'm beyond caring about the topic of my original post seeing as it's long over and much more concerned with the confrontational attitude of the responses. I've enjoyed participating on these boards for a while now, but the catty attitudes that I feel have been cropping up more and more are not why I joined and certainly not providing any incentive for future members to join or actually want to interact this this community.

Hear hear.

 

[Ravenscroft]

We only have one side of the story here from BreatheMusic, about the breakup between these people, but for whatever reason, the ex doesn't want to even acknowledge them.

there is no reason to engage. You don't engage crazy, and you don't try to force someone who is hurting to converse if they don't want to. It sounds like things went as well as they could have gone. I am glad of that!

Or, one side of one side.

And there is a LOT to learn here about the "I'm poly so I'm great at communication" mystique.

 

[anita]

Hi Ravenscroft. I'm not sure if you're implying that other people have a lot to learn about communication, or that you do, but I found you to be very aggressive and it seemed to me that you were more interesting in proving how right you were than any kind of mutually beneficial exchange with another person. I am saying this with the best of intentions - I hope it will help you to know how others are perceiving you, and I am sure that it was not your intention to be rude or intimidating. Enjoy your day!

 

[anamikanon]

Not your headache

I have an abusive ex I keep running into socially and he often makes snide remarks that result in dropped jaws and awkward silences. I usually treat it like I would, if someone wet themselves accidentally. His behavior is not my headache and him making a fool of himself was not his objective, so I just ignore it and let people deal with it how they wish.

I think we have to make a tendency to take on problems. If a person is given to making awkward scenes, it is a pattern they will be employing often in their lives - whether it is quietly ignoring or pointedly ignoring or making a scene. They are the most experienced at dealing with the fallout and it should be left to them. The only person whose actions we are responsible for is ourself.