Broken and cynical

FallenAngelina said:
You don't ever have to roll over and accept something that is intollerable to you. So I ask to understand and hopefully for your own clarification: If your wife broke your one ironclad rule (developing feelings for another) then why are you still in the marriage?
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That's a very fair question. I guess in the beginning, I thought maybe it was workable. Without physical activity, it wasn't the end of the world. But I actually have been asking myself that question more & more as of late. The truth is, I can't confidently say that I will be in the not too distant future. Part of me feels an obligation, but the other part of me feels so disconnected, that things could still persist on a roommate type of level.

I've always had this big issue with change. I don't like it, and it's bad enough when I'm thrust into a change that I have to grit & bear. But for me to leave at this point would be inflicting a change (sort of), and I feel so drained at times that I'm unsure of whether or not I can handle it. At some point, I'm thinking it's going to have to happen, but I don't feel mentally prepared yet.
 
I figured you were plumb worn out from everything and were resting to recharge your batteries and get your bearings. It's been a long process for you. And that later you would be seeking a divorce because you know this situation "as is" is not sustainable or bearable long term.

Just that the divorce process is yet another process to deal with and you didn't want to jump into it when feeling run down. Rest , then carry on.

Did I infer wrong? :confused:

Galagirl
 
Or rest and regroup, see what routes forward are possible, and then move on whichever seems to make the most sense.

Leetah
 
Re (from FallenAngelina):
"I completely understand why most people choose to keep extramarital relationships a secret. It's often the most respectful choice, given the limited options."
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I agree.
 
GalaGirl said:
Just that the divorce process is yet another process to deal with and you didn't want to jump into it when feeling run down. Rest , then carry on.

Did I infer wrong? :confused:
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I'm sure CTF will clarify, but I think he hasn't fully decided yet. It seems like his desire is not comming back, but he may need more time/rest to be sure.
 
GalaGirl said:
I figured you were plumb worn out from everything and were resting to recharge your batteries and get your bearings. It's been a long process for you. And that later you would be seeking a divorce because you know this situation "as is" is not sustainable or bearable long term.

Just that the divorce process is yet another process to deal with and you didn't want to jump into it when feeling run down. Rest , then carry on.

Did I infer wrong? :confused:

Galagirl
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No, you pretty much nailed it.
 
Thanks for clarifying. I want to be supportive of you in your journey so it helps to know what you are shooting for and where you are at.

I hope you get the rest you want during this "time out" and do get batteries recharged before moving on to next steps.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
Thanks for clarifying. I want to be supportive of you in your journey so it helps to know what you are shooting for and where you are at.

I hope you get the rest you want during this "time out" and do get batteries recharged before moving on to next steps.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
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I understand. And thank you for the support. A big thanks to all of you.

I'm not saying there's no hope for us. There may be, and to be fair, I think there's a part of me allowing for that. But I just feel so drained that I'm almost numb.

And to top it all off, I get the crying phone call from her today, where she's going on about how "useless" she thinks she is. I don't want her to feel this way, but I'm also not in the most consoling mood at the moment either. I've kind of even been thinking about talking to her about hospitalization. She keeps saying that all of these things are her fault. Not just my state of mind, but the house not being all that clean, the increased electric bills because she's home all day, etc...
 
What does she do all day? if you don't mind my asking.
 
CTF said:
I've kind of even been thinking about talking to her about hospitalization.
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I know many people who got some much needed rest and clarity in mental health facilities. They tend to function rather well in my country at least.
 
It appears to be that you are more in the caretaker role than partner role in your relationship. She has been out of work for how long now? Thanks to that "friend" online who convinced her to quit her job?

It must be a great burden to you. Even if you can financially afford for her to be out of work, the whole economic load is on YOUR shoulders. It's little wonder you are unable to feel romantic/sexual towards her at this point. How is she doing with taking care of the children?

A point in favor of hospitalization is that is will remove YOU as her caretaker. Maybe, with some counseling, you can feel more like her partner again. Or at least get her in a stable enough position so that a dissolution would not make you feel so guilty as you seem to believe yourself to be responsible for her welfare.
 
FallenAngelina said:
One is over 20, so I'm gonna guess that childcare isn't a factor here.
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My oldest is 22 my youngest is 9. Just because one child is an adult doesn't mean there are not younger children in the home or even a SN adult.
 
kdt26417 said:
What does she do all day? if you don't mind my asking.
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Basically, watch tv/movies & play on the computer. She will occasionally do a few things around the house, but we're talking maybe a load of laundry, a load of dishes once a week. She'll cook dinner once, sometimes twice in a week.
 
Tinwen said:
I know many people who got some much needed rest and clarity in mental health facilities. They tend to function rather well in my country at least.
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I believe it. The problem is, that here they really focus on pushing the pills.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
It appears to be that you are more in the caretaker role than partner role in your relationship. She has been out of work for how long now? Thanks to that "friend" online who convinced her to quit her job?

It must be a great burden to you. Even if you can financially afford for her to be out of work, the whole economic load is on YOUR shoulders. It's little wonder you are unable to feel romantic/sexual towards her at this point. How is she doing with taking care of the children?

A point in favor of hospitalization is that is will remove YOU as her caretaker. Maybe, with some counseling, you can feel more like her partner again. Or at least get her in a stable enough position so that a dissolution would not make you feel so guilty as you seem to believe yourself to be responsible for her welfare.
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She's been out of work for about 1 1/2 years now. Since Feb, 2015. And yeah, I do feel much in the caretaker role. Which I don't mind when necessary, but it's been a constant for all this time. You might be right in that that could be part of why I don't feel the sexual tingles, it is hard when it's with someone who seems utterly dependent on you. All things with the poly stuff aside, in this case, it does feel less like she wants me, and more like she needs me.

As for the kids, they're older so they don't need much in the way of supervision. My youngest is 15, and even he's pretty self reliant. I guess he's kind of had to become that over the last couple of years... Especially when school's on break & I'm off at work.

The financial burden is tough. Yes, I do alright when it comes to financially support the household, but it's been tough since she quit. No more luxuries. And one would think that would be a given, but there has been much grief over her wanting new things that aren't truly necessary. For example, she wanted a new washer & dryer... Our current set works just fine, but she was visiting her sister, and theirs is considerably bigger. So she spends then next couple of weeks researching new ones, sending me links of ads that she finds, etc... Wen I tell her that we need to wait, she makes the pouty face & acts disappointed for the next couple of days. She finds these weird ways to justify such a purchase :"since it'll hold more clothes, it will save on our water & electric bills". Then when I start making it obvious that I'm annoyed/frustrated, she tells me that she knows & understands that we can't buy new appliances, and that she was only "playing around" with the whining. I've told her (repeatedly) that the pouting & sad faces, etc.. do nothing but stress me out even more. As if it's not bad enough to have to waste energy explaining why we don't get a new washer & dryer, I now have to console her when she feels disappointed. It's like she's fighting me on all of these things. And then I have to be treated like the grouch who says no all of the time... I told her that she needs to think about it before choosing whether or not to put me into that situation in the first place.
 
Dagferi said:
My oldest is 22 my youngest is 9. Just because one child is an adult doesn't mean there are not younger children in the home or even a SN adult.
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It's a fair question. But our kids are older. My youngest will be 16 in November.
 
As far as your previous comment about "pushing the pills," I will readily admit that medication is the only way I have been able to stay productive and keep my marriage afloat. I have bipolar depression and do crazy, destructive things when I am off my meds. It wasn't until about 8 years ago that I was formally diagnosed, and have been on a stable regimen of medication for the last 5+ years which has allowed me to be a fully functioning person.

Your wife absolutely HAS to do something productive. If she can't, at this time hold down a job due to emotional issues (which is something she needs to work on), then she needs to volunteer or do SOMETHING that gives her purpose until she is emotionally ready to work. I hear a lot of people lament the fact that families have to have two incomes just to survive, but a job also gives you a sense of purpose and independence. Even if my husband earned enough to thrive with one income, I would still work. Before I get bashed, I understand that some people are perfectly able to keep themselves motivated and purposefully busy without the outside motivation of paid employment, but your wife does not sound like one of those people.

It seems as if you are frustrated your wife's total dependence on you, and I don't blame you. She IS going to counseling, right? I had forgotten.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
As far as your previous comment about "pushing the pills," I will readily admit that medication is the only way I have been able to stay productive and keep my marriage afloat. I have bipolar depression and do crazy, destructive things when I am off my meds. It wasn't until about 8 years ago that I was formally diagnosed, and have been on a stable regimen of medication for the last 5+ years which has allowed me to be a fully functioning person.

Your wife absolutely HAS to do something productive. If she can't, at this time hold down a job due to emotional issues (which is something she needs to work on), then she needs to volunteer or do SOMETHING that gives her purpose until she is emotionally ready to work. I hear a lot of people lament the fact that families have to have two incomes just to survive, but a job also gives you a sense of purpose and independence. Even if my husband earned enough to thrive with one income, I would still work. Before I get bashed, I understand that some people are perfectly able to keep themselves motivated and purposefully busy without the outside motivation of paid employment, but your wife does not sound like one of those people.

It seems as if you are frustrated your wife's total dependence on you, and I don't blame you. She IS going to counseling, right? I had forgotten.
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Trust me, I would not bash you for saying such a thing. I happen to agree with you.

As for the pills, I understand that some people can benefit by them. What I noticed, however, was that they seemed to be worse for her. Initially, she was going to therapy 3-4 days a week. Between group session, one on one therapy, and psychiatric visits, some days had 2 or 3 appointments. The problem with the medication with her, was the fact that they kept changing it around. There'd be 1 pill for the anxiety, which would cause depression and a pill for that, which would make her nauseous, and another pill for that, etc.. At one time, she had 12 different prescriptions that she had to take daily. And if the Psychiatrist felt the need to change one of them, it generally meant having to change 4 others just to counter the side effects. This happened quite a bit, and became a job in itself just to keep track of them.

As for the working/keeping busy, I agree with that too. It doesn't have to be something that generates income, but something that gets her out of the house & occupies her mind. I've suggested this many times. But there's always her "illness" being brought up as a reason why she doesn't. She does still go to therapy, but it really doesn't seem like it's getting her anywhere. I know it can be a long process, but she doesn't seem to even indicate that she's gearing towards any healing. She has absolutely no goals.

Yes, I'm very frustrated by it all. I don't feel like a husband. I feel like a roommate, a dad, a guardian, and a lonely guy with a broken heart.
 
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