New to poly and need people to talk to

JenniW

JenniW

New member
My name is Jen. I have been dating a poly man for a year now. I knew he was poly when he asked me on our first date. We were casual acquaintances and facebook friends. I was married for 15 years and I've been divorced for 3. I had dated some but nothing I would call a significant relationship. I certainly had never been poly, but I'm also not the judge-y type that thinks I should care how other people live their lives.

When he asked me out I really didn't think he was going to care much for me. I feel that I am rather boring and ordinary, and he seemed so larger than life at the time. We ended up really enjoying each other's company, going on many more dates, and entering into a sexual relationship. I have to admit, I was really caught off guard the night he told me that he loved me. I didn't say it back to him. I was so blindsided by this declaration I didn't know what to say. I really didn't know anything about being poly and thought that love and feelings weren't going to be part of this equation. I am glad I was wrong because I love my boyfriend very much. More than I can describe to you. And he loves me just as much.

All this love business was great until I really had to start dealing with the reality that I am not his only relationship. I have some difficult feelings to deal with like major insecurities and jealously. It seems worse because I have no one I could talk to about these feelings since I don't know anyone else who is poly, and my friends don't understand it. They think (the few that know anyway) I am just ok with being cheated on and don't see that it's not like that.

Right now I struggle with insecurity the most. Even though rationally I know that my boyfriend isn't looking to replace me, or upgrade me, and isn't even comparing me to other women, I feel so afraid when he is with someone else. He always tells me who they are and I usually can guess who it is before he tells me based on who is posting on his facebook.

He spent the weekend with a new interest this past weekend and I didn't hear from him at all. He spends most weekends with me and we communicate daily. When we are together he routinely texts or messages with his other girlfriends. This really hurt me that I didn't even get a single text, and made me feel generally terrible. Even though I didn't specifically say anything about it I guess he sensed that I was upset and I told him why. He was really great and apologized, and came over to spend the night with me on a Monday to soothe me and make me feel loved even though he had worked a long day and had a meeting after work. He owned that he should have texted me and was sorry for making me feel like I was not important. So really, what I am complaining about! I don't know. He is amazing and no one is perfect all the time. But it still stings a little I guess? And I just needed to tell someone...
 
Hi and welcome. It looks like you have a handle on the areas you need to work on. If you do a search for "jealousy" you will find some links to help you out. Jealousy can be tough to work through, but it can be done.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

To me it sounds like you are figuring out what you need as "before care" and "during care" and "after care" maybe.

All this love business was great until I really had to start dealing with the reality that I am not his only relationship. I have some difficult feelings to deal with like major insecurities and jealously. It seems worse because I have no one I could talk to about these feelings since I don't know anyone else who is poly, and my friends don't understand it. They think (the few that know anyway) I am just ok with being cheated on and don't see that it's not like that.

BEFORE CARE

Right now I struggle with insecurity the most. Even though rationally I know that my boyfriend isn't looking to replace me, or upgrade me, and isn't even comparing me to other women, I feel so afraid when he is with someone else.
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Are you doing "compare" thinking? And this results in you feeling bad? Maybe part of how YOU do your before care is to not go down those "compare" thinking paths.

He always tells me who they are and I usually can guess who it is before he tells me based on who is posting on his facebook.
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Would you rather know less? Or have him tell you directly before he starts chit chatting on Facebook so it's not news from out of nowhere? That might be something HE could do.

DURING CARE

He spent the weekend with a new interest this past weekend and I didn't hear from him at all.
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That seemed to bother you -- the zero contact. You seem to want a text at least. Like a "good morning, thinking of you" or "good night" or similar so you know you are loved and not forgotten. Could sort that out with him.

AFTER CARE

Even though I didn't specifically say anything about it I guess he sensed that I was upset and I told him why.
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Why are you making him guess or mind reader? I think you could tell him directly because he won't guess right every time. Maybe you would better if you made it practice to speak up and advocate for yourself. If you are feeling invisible and not noticed -- you speaking up for yourself might TAKE AWAY from that feeling.

He was really great and apologized, and came over to spend the night with me on a Monday to soothe me and make me feel loved even though he had worked a long day and had a meeting after work.
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And this behavior DID help you feel better. Did you not want this? It's ok to ASK for care directly.

You might not always have to deal with before/during/after care stuff all the time, but if this is your first poly experience, and you are struggling with some things and DO need some extra care right now -- it's okay to let your poly partner know that.

I hope you feel better for the vent.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Yes, I do compare myself to his other girlfriends. I know I should not do this, but it is very hard. I always find myself thinking, what does he see in her that I don't have? I know this isn't helpful and I'm working on it. I don't know that there is a magic cure other than time. I have never been poly so this is entirely new thinking for me. And in general society we are surrounded by messages that if a man truly loves you, he won't have eyes for anyone else. I am trying to shut out the noise and focus on what I know to be true between me and my boyfriend.

As far as how much I know, he asked me what I wanted to know. I told him I wanted to know everything. I don't ever want to hear something about him from another person that I didn't already know. I get the feeling that it makes him uncomfortable to tell me. He always starts out by saying how much he loves me and how important I am, and then I have to say "ok, who is the new person?" Then he looks a little sheepish and comes out with it. Based on conversations of our history, I think I am really his first "serious" relationship that was really trying to be ok with his polyamory. He has had other women say they understand and they don't do closed relationships either, but then when it comes down to it they are not ok with him being with other people and treat him bad, and ultimately they break up. I think it would be nice at some point if I could be friends with his other girlfriends. Not sexually, but really just friends that could all be in the same place at the same time and not have to compartmentalize our boyfriend's time? Maybe I would be less worried about him spending time with other people if I really knew them? I am certainly not even close to that yet, and maybe that is unrealistic. I don't know.

And yes, I DO want to at least get a text from him when he is spending time away from me. I want to know that I am not completely out of his thoughts. I used to get upset when I realized he was messaging or texting people when we were spending time together. Later, I decided that since he was with me in person that I should not begrudge other's at least a word with him. I was expecting the same treatment when the roles were reversed this past weekend and was upset when this didn't happen. It wasn't really my intention to make him guess that I was upset about this. I have worked very hard to be mindful of his feelings through this process. I don't want to be like everyone else that treated him poorly when he acted on who he really is. I feel like a lot my upset feelings are my problem and not his problem necessarily. I think I am afraid of telling him how some things really feel to me will push him away, or make him feel bad. I don't want to make him feel bad, and I don't want to be the one with bruised feelings all the time either. We did talk about this Monday night and both agreed that it will be a work in progress.

One of my other big struggles, and makes me think I am being petty, is that I know he has never had to feel what I feel in reverse. He has never been the one that didn't have other relationships and had to deal with how that makes him feel. He has said that I am free to pursue other relationships as well and I believe him, but there is little chance of that happening. I am not going to resort to online dating just to feel like I am evening the playing field between us. If I met someone organically and a relationship began, then fine, but I am not going to work at seeking one out. Online dating was miserable when I was looking for another mono partner. It's time consuming drudgery that I just don't have time for. But not having another relationship makes me feel like there is a power imbalance. Just more things to work on and think about.
 
I feel like a lot my upset feelings are my problem and not his problem necessarily. I think I am afraid of telling him how some things really feel to me will push him away, or make him feel bad. I don't want to make him feel bad, and I don't want to be the one with bruised feelings all the time either. We did talk about this Monday night and both agreed that it will be a work in progress.
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One of the hardest lessons I've learned so far (and that GalaGirl helped me with *hat tip*) is that I'm not responsible for my partner's feelings. I'm responsible for my OWN feelings.

Your first sentence is on the nose: your upset feelings are indeed your problem (not that they're not understandable; they totally are!). But then you turn it around in the second sentence and place the responsibility for him "feeling bad" on YOU ("I am afraid to make him feel bad"). You can't be responsible for both your feelings and his. You need to tell him how to care for you (and it sounds like you're well on your way to doing this), and likewise, he needs to tell you how to care for him. Neither of you are mind readers.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, there are just a few kinks to iron out along the way. I hope you find support and help here; I know I have.
 
Glad that helped you some, polyrhythmic. I think it applies here too.

JenniW, I hope you feel better for airing some of that out.

I think you sound like you are mostly doing ok in this new relationship.

Just maybe getting a bit too caught up avoiding yucky feelings or feeling like you have to have it all solved NOW to get the yucky over with faster rather than letting the transition time simply take the time it needs to take. And be ok in the organic unfolding of it. Like it could just be "We are new together, and still sorting stuff out, so there's bound to be some growing pains. Some feelings are fun to feel, and we will have some of that in this new relationship. Some feelings are less fun to feel, and we will have some of that in this new relationship. We are sorting it out still."

It's the price of admission -- you have to have some transition time to figure out what works and does not work between you. It's part of getting to know each other. It would happen in a mono relationship as well. Things just take time. Be ok being a work in progress with him. We all want to minimize drama and stress in our lives, but I think there's some "acceptable growing pains" to any new relationship. But sunny days or rainy skies? All feelings pass in time. If we let them.

If you sit around comparing, and this makes you feel bad over and over? You have to find a way to stop this behavior. Stop comparing. Maybe that means examining your beliefs about love. Not what society has taught you, but what YOU choose to believe at this point in time. This article about jealousy mentions core beliefs. This one has pages that suggest what the jealous partner can do and what the other partner can do.

You might also have to examine beliefs about yourself. Are you enough for you? If not, why not? Are you ok taking up the space you do in this world? Can you let yourself believe it when someone else says you are enough for them or are you looking for "evidence" that they are wrong?

I used to get upset when I realized he was messaging or texting people when we were spending time together. Later, I decided that since he was with me in person that I should not begrudge other's at least a word with him. I was expecting the same treatment when the roles were reversed this past weekend and was upset when this didn't happen.
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Sounds like you had some expectations you did not actually articulate. You assumed. Then later you were upset later that they did not automatically happen. Could call it lesson learned -- ask directly for what you need rather than assume.

Maybe next time you can request texting behaviors from him. He is free to agree to do it or not. But then you are articulating what it is you would like. You are advocating for what you need.

You create your own stability that way.

I don't want to be like everyone else that treated him poorly when he acted on who he really is.
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So don't treat him bad. Give him space to be his real self. That simple.

Shrinking yourself is not letting YOU have space to be your authentic self in this relationship. Treat YOU well too. Not just him.

Do you want BOTH of you to be your real selves in this relationship? :confused:

I feel like a lot my upset feelings are my problem and not his problem necessarily.
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You are right. I think you could be responsible for your emotional management. We cannot help what we feel. We CAN help how we react or respond to those feelings. If you happen to feel some fun feelings or some yucky feelings... you can be responsible for how you choose to express them and handle them.

Right now you are choosing to bottle a lot up. Not expressing them. So far it leads to feeling even more UGH. I suggest you change your behavior of bottling up and start expressing more and see if that feels better.

I think I am afraid of telling him how some things really feel to me will push him away, or make him feel bad.
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If he dumps you for being human and having some feelings? I think better you know he's a flimsy "fair weather friend" type now and be rid of him sooner. Than go on and develop deeper attachments and find out he's a flimsy partner later that bails on you when the chips are down.

I also think you could let HIM be responsible for his emotional management.

If you share what is on your mind, how you feel, and make a request for new behavior so see if that can help you feel better? He is free to say "Yes, I will do that" or "No, I will not do that." You aren't forcing him to do anything. He can choose to remain calm about it.

If he has a cow or wigs out over simple requests? He's doing his emotional management poorly? That's also something you want to learn about him sooner rather than later. That's he's a "fly off the handle type." Maybe YOU don't want that in a partner.

I think I am afraid of telling him how some things really feel to me will push him away, or make him feel bad.
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If it is just a plain "I am afraid to tell him how I really feel" then leave it there. You feel afraid. Full stop.

Don't be excusing that you don't want to do something because it will make him feel bad. If you had the power to MAKE people feel things, why wouldn't you wave your wand and make him feel good instead?

If you are just scared, own it. You don't want to do something because right now it is scary. Be ok feeling scared. It's a totally normal thing to feel when you are with a new person and don't yet know if they will receive your authentic self with kindness and compassion or not. Presumably you are dating this guy to FIND OUT if you are compatible or not... so get on with finding out.

The only way to become less afraid is to feel scared and do it any way. Risk seeing that nothing "doom" happens when you are emotionally honest with you partner. That's another way to create your own stability. Don't fuel the "fear" part -- fuel your "I can handle this."

And don't sell him short -- assuming he cannot handle it.

You could focus on the task at hand -- giving clear communication. Are you doing your end of the stick? Giving him clear communication so he can be aware? Yes/no? Is he doing his end of the stick? Active listening so he can receive this communication? Yes/no?

Then on the flip side... is he forthcoming with information and makes you aware of things? Do you do active listening to receive his communication well? If you guys want to create emotional intimacy between you, you have to be willing to be open in your communication. Not be holding things back.

I know he has never had to feel what I feel in reverse. He has never been the one that didn't have other relationships and had to deal with how that makes him feel...He has said that I am free to pursue other relationships as well ...But not having another relationship makes me feel like there is a power imbalance
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Maybe he's never had partners with other partners. But that doesn't mean it cannot happen, and then he will have to learn how to deal with it at that point in time.

What power imbalance is there? You seem to have an equal voice and equal rights in this relationship. It's not one sided thing. You are free to seek other partners if you want to. That you don't want to right now, that is your choice. The option is there for you too. You just don't choose to exercise it right now.

Is it an emotional imbalance you are referring to? Right now you are in transition feeling a lot of ugh, and he's not feeling ugh?

Galagirl
 
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You're right, I am avoiding yucky feelings and bottling things up. I am not giving him enough credit for being able to deal with my feelings. Every time something like this has come up he has reacted well and validated me, so my fears are pretty much unfounded so far. We certainly need to work on communicating more/better. I care about him and don't want to hurt him, but I can't hurt myself in that process. The power imbalance is emotional - some pettiness on my part mostly.

Thanks for helping me sort things out. It has helped a lot.
 
Glad it helped some.

I don't know about this calling yourself names like "petty." In your post you have called yourself petty, boring, ordinary, surprised to receive love in the relationship... Doing "down talk" and being your own self bully doesn't sound like it would help you feel better. Is this a habit? :(

I think you nailed it here:

I care about him and don't want to hurt him, but I can't hurt myself in that process.
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There is your emotional imbalance. You keep trying to (show how much you care about him) by (not telling him how you really feel). When really you just end up hurting yourself by not being the real you and bottling things up. Why do you think knowing the real you would be a burden or hurt him? :confused:

Since he's always received you well in the past? Reacted well and validated you? You could focus on showing that you trust him with your authentic self by being honest about how you are doing/feeling. Then maybe over time you can relax some.

I hope so.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Jen,

Even though you are hitting some bumps in the road, I think that for the most part you're doing pretty good, especially for being new to poly. Follow GalaGirl's advice, and ask your boyfriend for things that you need. Approach your conversations a little at a time.

Hopefully we can continue to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Unfortunately, down talking myself is a habit. This stems from childhood trauma immediately followed by a terrible 15 year long marriage. My ex husband was excellent at knowing just what to say to make me feel like a loser.

I've been blissfully divorced for 3.5 years but that damage is taking a while to overcome. I do feel ordinary and boring since I don't have much life outside my children and my job. I'm building a new life, trying to make friends, maybe fit in a hobby somewhere, and honestly after reading some of the other posts here I have a fantastic boyfriend. Everything is new and scary, but it's not so bad.

Having objective advice here has really made me feel better. Not having anyone to sound off to, beside my boyfriend, has been hard. Much harder than I realized until I found this forum.
 
I'm sorry to hear that you experienced childhood trauma and your previous marriage was verbally abusive. I could see where it takes some time to heal from both.

Rebuilding a whole new life is a lot of work. Do what you can to stop the down talk habit -- don't ADD to your load. Try to TAKE AWAY from your load.

I'm glad you are feeling better. Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
JenniW said:
I'm building a new life, trying to make friends, maybe fit in a hobby somewhere, and honestly after reading some of the other posts here I have a fantastic boyfriend. Everything is new and scary, but it's not so bad.
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That does not sound boring at all! You seem to be a brave woman who is fighting for her right to have a good life. And, you know what - a good life does often look boring on the outside. On these forums we have several times mentioned that boring is good: an everyday life that runs smoothly, no big drama etc. People with the boring good lives can be very interesting themselves, from within.

And I agree, you seem to have a fantastic boyfriend! Entering the world of polyamory with a good person like him makes the scary parts less scary and hopefully you will find yourself feeling safe and secure, eventually.
 
JenniW said:
I care about him and don't want to hurt him, but I can't hurt myself in that process.
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From a woman who's been where you are, I felt compelled to write.

I , too, was in your shoes. I painfully exited a very dysfunctional marriage and craved a little lightness , fun, laughter and PASSION. Tired of dating every loser out there when I met my poly Love. I didn't expect us to fall in love , but we did. We were together for 5 years.

Over the years he worried I would leave him, and he would be heartbroken. We talked and processed our issues. I wouldn't leave him because I didn't want to hurt him , I loved him deeply and he loved me, the intensity and passion we shared almost addictive. I felt loved, validated , heard. But alas these relationships do have a shelf life. My guy started insisting that I find something real, he didn't want me to be alone so often forever , claimed he did it out of love. I lost myself in the process of rejection.

I can tell you that it was my greatest Love and my most profound Heartbreak when we ended. What was once the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced grew ugly and toxic. Life changing.

We still communicate and the love is still present , forever lasting, but our romantic relationship is no more.

My story is not uncommon but you won't find many written as we simply fade to black, silent, regretful, rejected, lost, feeling irrelevant, shamed. So much for this all about sharing love. If that is what love was, I never wanted to have it again.

I say this not to scare you but as friendly advice. You had the courage to leave your marriage and be strong and independent on your own. Find the strength and confidence to find another man who wants you and only you.

(Frankly I find the fact that he messages others when he is with you quite disrespectful and rude, especially considering he leaves you in silence when he's with the others!)

You will be left feeling (as you already feel) that you are not enough. You are right, you will never be enough for him. He will never choose to be with only you. He told you he's Poly, believe him. But you ARE enough for YOU and you are MORE than enough for the man that deserves you.

You deserve a man who will make you a priority , not an option; a man who will be loyal and faithful and honest. You deserve someone that will see you as a blessing and not want to go silent on you.

Have your fun, enjoy, accept and love him for who he is. Be thankful for the love you received and lessons you learned from him. It's all part of your journey. Then when you can, move on, sooner than later. Find the man that deserves you and loves you as you need to be loved.

You will find that man one day. I never believed I would, but I did. As a sweet, dear friend had said to me many times ... BELIEVE! ❤️

Big hugs.
NT. xo
 
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Well, I am not sure what to say to that. I don't really know that I even need to respond, but I am curious...

Do you think that poly love isn't authentic?

My guy started insisting that I find something real, he didn't want me to be alone so often forever , claimed he did it out of love. I lost myself in the process of rejection.
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Not that it matters, but I am the primary partner in this relationship. We have plans to move in together when the logistics work for both of us. It's not that he leaves me alone frequently, but we don't live in the same town and have jobs so for now we get the weekends and holidays together. And if he is going to be gone for the weekend, whatever the reason, he comes and stays over on a weeknight to try and make up a little bit of the lost time. The silence I experienced this one time has been discussed and was more of an oversight than a malicious intent. He has agreed to not let this happen again and that's all I can really ask.

I guess I am surprised that on a poly forum someone is telling me that my relationship can't work, and that I need to find someone who is monogamous.
 
Newtoday, I'm sorry your were heartbroken.

I'm currently a poly more-or-less-secondary. I relate to this part.
newtoday said:
I loved him deeply and he loved me, the intensity and passion we shared almost addictive. I felt loved, validated , heard.
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That's what I feel when the relationship is in good shape, which it is lately more often then not. I take it as a good sign, that these relationship can work, why not if they can be good?

I do think the outcome you described is rather common, and yes, I am a little afraid of it. But frankly, I do not understand what happened in your experience, and why it should apply to all poly relationships.
But alas these relationships do have a shelf life. My guy started insisting that I find something real, he didn't want me to be alone so often forever , claimed he did it out of love. I lost myself in the process of rejection.
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This part is very confusing to me. It rather seems like your boyfriend 1) didn't quite believe in polyamory, and 2) used it as an excuse when he fell out of love. Yes, there are a lot of stories like yours, maybe even a higher percentage then heartbreak in monogamous relationships, but to me, it seems to be about the people, their approach and self-knowledge.

JenniW said:
Do you think that poly love isn't authentic?
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I think poly love is authentic, although we may discuss endlessly the suitability of a poly arrangemet to achieve escalator-goals.

My relationship is very likely to end one day, when I decide it's time for monogamy, because I do incline that way. But I don't intend to regret any bit of it.
 
JenniW said:
I guess I am surprised that on a poly forum someone is telling me that my relationship can't work, and that I need to find someone who is monogamous.
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Hi Jenni,

I'm coming into this conversation late (just one aspect of my poor time-management skills) but thought I would add my 1 cent. It would have been 2 cents but it's a penny for my thoughts, so that's all I've got left.

In my local community I've seen quite a number of new people show up to events, seeking support, satisfying their curiosity, etc, about polyamory when they do not identify as poly themselves...or they hide behind the moniker of polyamory and instead focus on "polyf**kery"...or they THINK they are poly and want to learn more about it and then realize the group is not a swinger's group and end up not showing up to future events...

On a few occasions, based on what people have confided in me, I've come to the conclusion that some people are not capable of handling all the responsibilities and dealing with the exponential emotions/feelings involved with polyamory. And that's okay. Polyamory isn't for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with monogamy.

But based on what you've shared with us, I don't think that's the case with you. I feel you are going through the motions of what the majority of us go through when it comes to what I call "scary firsts" (in this case, a new person and a communication breakdown which fueled your feelings of insecurity).

I'm not going to advocate someone who identifies as poly to seek someone monogamous, for that would not be being true to yourself. Polyamory is hard. So very f**king hard. It takes a lot of work, and you seem like you're not only willing to do the work, but are actually doing some of it.

Just remember that you're not alone in these rough times. In addition to having an online support community, there is likely a community in your area where you can go in-person to get support. And there's nothing wrong with asking for help.
 
I have to brag on myself for just a moment. Yesterday my boyfriend told me near the end of the day he was in a terrible mood and feeling uneasy. I asked him what was up and it was mostly a series of events through the day that were generally crappy. One of his other partners got fired from her job. He told her he would come over, but said to me that he realized he didn't really want to go to her, but instead wanted to come to my house. He felt like he needed some comfort from me for his bad day. This realization made him feel like a bad friend and a promise breaker and had his emotions turned upside down. I told him I was here for him whenever he needed me, but it sounded like his other partner really needed him more.

I was able to say that with total honesty. He needed to comfort her. I felt no insecurity or jealously or anything else. And my support of him to go there gave him a lot of comfort and he was able to be the friend she needed. A few months ago I probably would have just said he should do whatever he thinks is best and abstained from providing an opinion. Maybe this doesn't seem like much, but it felt like a big step for me.
 
I agree, that's a tremendous step Jen. Thanks for sharing, I take encouragement from it!
 
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