Difficult metamour

ksandra

ksandra

New member
Hoping for some advice on the best way to have a conversation with a partner about how the behaviour of a metamour is affecting me.

I'm in a relationship that has become long distance in the last year. This person lives with two girlfriends. One of them is a close friend, the other one I am on good terms with but my patience is wearing really thin. She has massive issues with people having sex while she is in the house. In the past my partner and I have had to schedule times to have sex around her schedule and it has frequently been cut short by her wanting to come home. This didn't bother me as much before moving away, because I still felt like I was getting enough quality time and intimate time with my partner.

This week was the first time I've seen this partner since moving away in over a year and we had originally planned to get away to a hotel before he took a planned trip with his girlfriends. Due to the massive storm this weekend we had to cancel the hotel visit because they were trying to figure out if they could even still take their trip. That didn't really bother me because plans change, but then this one girlfriend basically said that she didn't want us having sex while she was in the house OR we could do that in the basement but we had to come and hang out with her after and we had to set a finish time and stick to it, but it couldn't be too late because she wanted to get to bed early. This is not something I'm comfortable with because I don't want someone else to control how long I can be intimate with someone I'm involved with so I declined and figured I could hang out with the girlfriend who is a close friend, except then this person decided that she didn't like that we were watching YouTube videos instead of spending time with her and the night basically ended and everyone went to bed.

My partner said he was going to come back early so that we could spend a night together before I go back across the country, but based off of being in a similar situation in the past, I have a strong suspicion that something is going to come up involving her and I most likely won't be seeing him again on this trip.

I do want to address this with him because now that I live so far away I'm not okay with how much control this metamour has over my sex life. I feel like I don't have a strong position to do so because they live together and I'm now an occasional guest star, but if this pattern is going to continue when I visit I would rather take sex off the table and just visit as a friend (and honestly I'm getting the impression that the metamour would prefer this). I also feel like he has the right to hear that and be aware of how I'm feeling. I've been very compassionate and supportive of her and her struggle with this for a long time but now it's really impacting my extremely limited quality time with someone I care about.
 
I am sorry but it is well within her right to request that he not have sex with you in HER home while she is there. My husband Butch feels the same way. Get a hotel room then she has no say.

As for the other controlling behaviors draw a line in the sand and put your foot down. Tell you bf you're not going to put up with her telling you how to do things. Leave him if he continues to be a sloppy hinge. HE is the problem there HE needs to stop letting his other relationship effect yours.
 
I'm not sure why you and your partner didn't just go to a hotel for an evening or two. Why all of this entwinement and enmeshment?

Sounds like this "difficult" metamor is trying to be cool with your having a sexual relationship with your shared partner when she actually has a lot of conflict about it. No sex with her in the house is a perfectly legitimate limit, but why all of the drama around end times and no Youtube? Answer: internal conflict.

Also, this seems like a lot of extremes for you to go to in order to maintain a relationship with him. What is so sparkly about this situation for you? Not meant as a sarcastic question, but as an actual question. Why are you drawn to this precarious situation?
 
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We are both artists so a hotel is out of the realm of affordability, otherwise I would agree. When we initially started seeing each other he explained that his house was a sex positive place where sex with other partners was a regular occurrence and everyone confirmed this. I have a suspicion that there is something about me or my relationship with her partner or the way we relate to each other that is bringing out these behaviours instead of them being commonplace.

What originally attracted me was that I really enjoy my partner and we have an amazing chemistry. But this situation is starting to feel very unstable, and it wasn't really an issue before so I am heavily considering shifting our relationship to a more platonic dynamic for future visits.
 
I think the part where your metamour set a time limit on your chance to have sex with your bf, and requiring that you come and spend time with her before she went to bed, was utterly ridiculous. But, ksandra, why didn't you speak up? You could've said, "Thank you for being okay with us spending time alone in the basement, but we're going to say goodnight right now and there won't a time limit set by you." Instead, you just said "Never mind, let's just watch YouTube?" And your bf was okay with that and didn't protest not being "allowed" to have sex with you? That doesn't make sense to me. I'm on the fence about her not allowing sex when she's home - it's his home, too. Does she make your other metamour who lives there with them leave to have sex with him, too?
 
I agree, it is ridiculous. I said that was a hard limit for me, which was when my partner offered to come back a day early from their trip so it was more that hanging out with my other metamour was what happened that night. Up until she stopped what we were doing I was enjoying getting to spend the extra time with the other meta because I really do like her and she's visited me a couple times since moving and it's always great to see her. If we were in my house then I would have said exactly that to the meta (we'll call her B).

From what I understand the other partner does expect my partner and his gf to schedule their sex so that she can be otherwise preoccupied and to stop when she comes home as well. I have no idea how they've navigated this but I do know it's a problem for the gf I get along with (we'll call her M) and has caused tension in the relationship.

I'm starting to come to the conclusion through this forum that part of the problem is my partner saying that sex is allowed in his hole when it kind of isn't? Like it is but only under very specific circumstances
 
ksandra said:
I'm starting to come to the conclusion through this forum that part of the problem is my partner saying that sex is allowed in his hole when it kind of isn't? Like it is but only under very specific circumstances
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I'm sure you meant to write "home," not hole. That literally made me laugh out loud. Almost spit out my coffee.

Yes, I would say your partner is contributing just as much to this situation as your metamour is.

You say that he had told you from the start that "his house was a sex positive place where sex with other partners was a regular occurrence" and then you stated that "everyone confirmed this." Do you mean that both of your current metamours told you directly that it was okay to have sex at his place? If so, I would want to find out what the fuck changed all that and why it was changed with no input from all of the people affected by such a policy. If everyone started off with a certain understanding and now are being told it isn't that way without everyone having a say and being able to ask for some kind of compromise, I don't think that is fair. Besides the fact that no third party should be able to put controls on how long someone has sex. Sheesh.

Does this demanding metamour expect M to leave the house when she is having sex with the bf?

I don't understand why your bf is going along with it. :confused: He sounds like he's being very wishy-washy, for some reason.

It's time for everybody -- your bf and all his gf's -- to sit down and talk and reach a decision that everyone is happy about.
 
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ksandra said:
We are both artists so a hotel is out of the realm of affordability, otherwise I would agree.
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Get a second job. Do odd jobs. Work an extra shift. Sell some unneeded items. Go halves. Hell donate plasma for cash. Where there is a will there is a way.
 
Dagferi said:
Get a second job. Do odd jobs. Work an extra shift. Sell some unneeded items. Go halves. Hell donate plasma for cash. Where there is a will there is a way.
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No, this just isn't reasonable and while I'm happy to have a longer discussion about why, I need you to respect me when I say that hotels are not a viable option.

Haha yes I did absolutely mean home, I am trying to do this on a smartphone and the forum really doesn't like reformatting itself to a friendly size.

B doesn't care if people leave while she has sex, just that she leaves while anyone else does so. I'm not entirely sure what changed, I think this began to be a general issue long before I showed up but I don't think it's been as big of a problem with other partners.

If my partner actually does come back tonight like he said he would I am going to have a serious conversation with him about all of this. It does seem like the situation has been misrepresented and I am not okay with the restrictions placed on my sex life by a third party and I am really unhappy about how he didn't stand up to his partner because the one thing I had been saying during the entire evening was that I wanted one on one time with him and I didn't get it and it's not like I can just go oh well maybe next week.
 
I figured Dagferi was simply confirming your limitations, & that it's hardly a matter of disrespect. (Out here, a good motel is $46/day, an excellent new hotel is $89, & a full-service (bar, restaurant, pool) hotel is $102.)

But even if it were affordable, you'd still be left with the impression that not only has the actual situation been represented incorrectly, but that other assumptions might be revised as well. It's difficult to move forward when the rules might change.
 
If my partner actually does come back tonight like he said he would I am going to have a serious conversation with him about all of this. It does seem like the situation has been misrepresented and I am not okay with the restrictions placed on my sex life by a third party and I am really unhappy about how he didn't stand up to his partner because the one thing I had been saying during the entire evening was that I wanted one on one time with him and I didn't get it and it's not like I can just go oh well maybe next week.
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I think you are best talking this out with your partner. Hopefully you get some things clear between you.

If he misrepresented his home situation saying it was a space where you and he could share sex freely when really it is not because the other people that live there have rules and preferences he has to keep that in turn affect you? Well, the people that live there have the right to have their home be how they want. But your BF could have been more clear from the get go and given you full information.

If it turns out that you prefer to change the dynamic and visit as a friend only and not deal with LDR romantic entanglements or problems with HIM, that's your right.

I get that it's easy to be annoyed with the metamour, and she does sound like she has some issues. But who is picking her out to date? HE is. Who is not sorting all this junk out with his live in partners BEFORE you fly out there? HE is not doing the work. Sounds like a "sloppy hinge" problem to me. The problem is mostly HIS behaviors to my mind. If he knows one live-in partner is having a problem with overnights, why is he bringing his LDR partner over to the shared house for overnights? When a hotel stay was already planned? Why cancel it? :confused:

I could see where you might not want to be making waves if they are suddenly hosting you at their house because you and he canceled the hotel stay. Because now you are a guest in their home. But it is sure awkward to be standing there while they fuss about domestic arrangements about where you can sleep, where you can have sex and what activities you can do in their home or not with you right in the room. It doesn't feel very welcoming or hospitable when the hosts don't have it together.

I get that things happen, but I'm surprised you didn't choose to stay in the hotel while he home for a few hours to sort out the weather/trip problems and then come back to the hotel.

Next time don't cancel your hotel. Then you don't have to be biting your tongue. You have a "Plan B" exit if things are their house are getting too weird for you.

Could call it lesson learned. I hope the talk goes ok tonight.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Ah, okay so he was going to book the hotel using a deal saving app, and most hotels are driving distance from their place. By the time he got around to booking it it was very late. I'm a fairly type A personality so normally I book everything in advance and he's much more organic so sometimes things don't work out like this. Honestly if we had been able to be intimate in his house I would have been fine without a hotel.

I think this is a case of sloppy hinge for sure and we will discuss this because I am not okay with how situations played out and u feel like I kind of got left on my own emotionally.

Fortunately I am staying with a different lover for the rest of the trip (going home tomorrow!) and it's been very low drama and lovely.
 
Ah, okay so he was going to book the hotel using a deal saving app, and most hotels are driving distance from their place. By the time he got around to booking it it was very late.
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I thought he had made the reservations but it turns out he didn't even get that together? Def sloppy hinge.

I'm glad you are able to stay with different lover the rest of this visit and it's been less drama over there.

Galagirl
 
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Hi ksandra,

What about the idea of your long-distance partner doing the traveling to come and visit you? Then he wouldn't have your problem metamour looking over his shoulder.

Just wondering.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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