I Read The Books, Liarned The Lingo Even Particpated In The Bedroom & Still ;(((

Thank You

Thanks Kevin no need to apologize,everyone's comments, input and even criticism is so helpful as it helps me look at things from a different perspective and gain a better understanding of Poly.
 
My Wife Read ThisAnd Asked That I Coreect A Few Things

My wife and I are talking some, she logged on and read this thread and she felt I needed to correct and clarify a few things. A few she felt were misleading and a few she felt were inaccurate. A few things she questioned I felt we just did not see or member the same way.
How, why and when they started having sex without condoms ..... after she told me there relationships was evolving to where he was no longer a friend but now her boyfriend I asked about them using condoms and continued to ask from time to time. On our camping trip when we had our first threesome at one point I noted he was not using one and I did not say anything and I should have, in past threesomes in the swing lifestyle I always had. Some time in the next few days I again asked her about there use of condoms and she said yes they do and I told that he hadn't that night. In the course of that discussion is when she told my she did not like using them that is was uncomfortable,at that point I suggested they no longer needed to use them if she did not like them or want to but I did ask that he have full blood test done asap for STD'S. We do and it was kind of a moot point in my mind as he did not use them that night and I obviously had no first hand knowledge of other encounters. He agreed to do the blood test and did so and all was good.

As to him being there the night of my birthday My wife had wanted to have a small party with he ,I as well as a few other people who all canceled or no showed. It was to be a treat for my for me birthday as I do like group sex sometimes. Even though it ended up being just the three of us the sex was amazing,where I kept feeling uncomfortable or got upset was when I would fall asleep and they would couple off. The first time it happened I got up and said I need to go and that I would be back ( when I get triggered I prefer to just remove my self) and they new I was. I came back about an hour later
we talked, all was good we partied had amazing sex and we all fell asleep again I wake up and again they are in the other bed snuggled up and again I get triggered tell them what the "F" packed my stuff and went home by my self.
As to our anniversary trip... after our camping trip we talked about doing another camping tip together thinking things would go better using what we had learned on the last one. He had wanted to go back to his home town to tend to personal family things and wanted my wife(his girlfriend) to go for support. Well that trip never happened and when she and were planning our annual anniversary trip and we were planning to go to that general area she ask what about him( her boyfriend) reminding me the that we had previously agreed to all go so he could do what he needed to do and he wanted to show her where he was from. So I thought sure why not we had all been getting along pretty good after my birthday, they could go do his stuff and that would give me a day to my self to go fishing. All in all I thought it all went ok except I did get triggered our last night with the same kind of thing as on my birthday fun sex play fall asleep wake up to them coupled off. I get up leave the room after a bit she comes out to find me on the couch we talked she asked me to come back to bed I tried but it was really messing with my head I got out of bed and was just kind of standing there trying to get a handle on my self he wakes up and see me standing in the doorway and asked what I was doing I was not in a good place in my head and answered rudely.
The next day was a little awkward but we made the best of the day and it was a beautiful but long drive home. Looking back I think that was the beginning of where and why we ended up where we are now. The fact that I have not been able to learn how to except (have compression) the bond (love)that they have now. It's not that I don't like him, in fact I told her if she has to do this I liked her choice. But from my prospective I still get triggered, sometimes feel hurt and disrespected. From her prospective I think she is frustrated with me and would rather move on with her poly experience with out me then deal with me learning to deal with this that may never be the case maybe it's just not me.
Thought our 18 years we have separated a few times over various issues mostly her feeling we lost or did not hack a connection. Maybe this is one of those times but this time feels different. This Time I'm scared, I love my wife, I love our blended family and I believe in our marriage. I just hope we can find our way and work through these and be happy and I'm ok if that included her boyfriend as long as it is fair for all of us and we can have mutual respect.
I don't think that's to much to ask I believe it's achievable if everyone is willing to give a little. But the ball is obviously not in my court, we will see I will keep you all posted.
Andycee
 
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Thanks for clearing up some things; that helps. It sounds like the most persistent problem is when the three of you get together for sex and then you fall asleep, only to wake up to find them coupled up separate from you, and this triggers you. Have the three of you discussed this particular problem?
 
What you have posted previously is YOUR truth. I don't think you need to clarify and change what you have written because your wife is asking you to. She is more than welcome to make her own account, and start her own thread (there are many entangled posters who have their own threads.) This should be a safe place for you to vent without being "corrected."
 
Thanks For Your Responce

Thanks for your response, I'm ok with making correction so that I giver you guys a fair representation of my situation. The more good info you have the more likely you will be able to give me good advice.
It was never my intent to make any of us look bad or good as I want all of us to be happy. I just need help with learning how to keep my emotions and reactions in check. I'm new to Poly and this is her first real Poly relationship.
So we are all learning as we go.
But I truly thank you for your input and support.
Andycee
 
andycee007 said:
I'm new to Poly and this is her first real Poly relationship.
So we are all learning as we go.
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I beg to differ. From what you stated, she told you she's poly, going to get involved with this guy and you'll have to just accept it or gtf out. That is obnoxious. She is still walking all over you, by making you "correct" what you previously wrote so that it suits her now. What a piece of work. I wish you lots of luck - you need it with this one.
 
andycee007 said:
I just need help with learning how to keep my emotions and reactions in check.
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I think you could respect and accept your own emotions and reactions waaay more.
You can't "keep emotions in check". You can supress them, which generally backfires, or you can feel them. You can guilt and shame yourself for having emotions, which generally makes everything much more complicated, or you can accept them. You can react on them, or you can just notice them. You can look for ways to slowly transform them. You can search for constructive ways to react.
In general, it is good to feel and express your emotions! Although you want to insert enough pause between feeling and action to find the constructive action.

You seem to be trying really hard to mold yourself into a perfect person conforming your inner life to the idea of perfection your wife has. You give of an idea that you're not "allowed" to feel certain things. I'm not the right person to tell you that you should stand up for yourself way more in your relationship, but I definitely think you could be much kinder to yourself. You seem to guilt yourself for not handling everything poly has braught to you in a perfect manner, you think there's a failure somewhere. I think, that being able to hang out with your metamour for a few days is pretty awesome. I think you could appreciate all that you have done well. You could accept all the rest as it is. You feel jealous? Ok, acknowledge it, do what helps you, ask if other people are willing to help. If you want to feel compersion instead, note it as a desire, do some work if you please... but you're certainly not doing anything wrong for feeling jealous. You're just feeling!

In my book, separating yourself from a trigger, like sleeping in a different room instead of watching them, is respectuful to yourself as it makes you feel better. I don't see anything in it that would be disrespectful to them either. You didn't blame them, you're not holding a grudge against their love, you just removed yourself from a difficult situation. I think you could trust in your own emotional guidance enough to just stay away and not let them talk you into comming back to bed if you just don't feel like it. I think you could trust it enough to avoid the same situation in the future, unless of course you decide to put yourself into it for sake of investigation and growth, in which case you should give yourself permission to stop anytime it get's too intense.

You really do not want to keep emotions in check. You can influence them of even resolve them through your attention, but often you can't do it on the spot. With enough awareness you can learn to direct your emotional states, but for that, you first have to accept your emotions as important. Your emotions tell you, what works in your life and what doesn't. You're emotions are the impulses to guide your action. They are the only way to tell what you want and what makes you happy or not and if you're doing good in life. Aren't they worth listening to?
 
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Tinwen said:
You really do not want to keep emotions in check. You can influence them of even resolve them through your attention, but often you can't do it on the spot. With enough awareness you can learn to direct your emotional states, but for that, you first have to accept your emotions as important. Your emotions tell you, what works in your life and what doesn't. You're emotions are the impulses to guide your action. They are the only way to tell what you want and what makes you happy or not and if you're doing good in life. Aren't they worth listening to?
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Excellent.
 
It was never my intent to make any of us look bad or good as I want all of us to be happy. I just need help with learning how to keep my emotions and reactions in check. I'm new to Poly and this is her first real Poly relationship.So we are all learning as we go.
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Emotional management is a part of every day life. It is not unique to poly.

However, when there's triggers over and over and over... you might have to take a step back and examine if there is provocative behavior or passive behavior afoot.

There seems to be some provocative behaviors here from your wife sometimes. At the start? This was not a happy sounding coming together as a poly grouping. It sounded a lot like "I'm doing this. Whether you like it or not. So hit the highway if you don't!" You seemed to agree under duress.

She sometimes continues to do things like that. If she is not willing to learn to exercise some self control, and exercise more inclusive planning efforts rather than just making all the decision herself? Stop dinging those around her with the brusque/rough approach? Her partners are not going to be happy with her. Bull in a china shop.

On your end, there's a lot of passive sounding behavior. Where you feel upset/angry about something, but seem to go along with something anyway figuring it's more trouble to kick up a fuss or stand you ground that it is worth. In some cases, yes, an argument is not worth it. Especially with trivial issues. But passive conflict resolution is not appropriate in ALL cases because not all cases are trivial to you. At least I hope not!

Your mental health and well being are not trivial things. You have to be healthy here.

You might want to think about changing some of the passive behavior. You could choose to do your emotional management in a different way. Not learn how to ignore your feelings or learn to override them.

But feel them, decide you don't like being dinged, and SPREAK UP. Suggest how YOU would like things to go sometimes. Say "No, thanks. I prefer to do this..." more often.

Could also STEP BACK. Get out of the line of fire. Stop participating in things as a group. Maybe even all the way up to withdrawing your consent to participate in this poly grouping if you get dinged one time too many.

But in short? Have a voice in the things that concern you and actively participate in how things go. Not just go along for the ride. Or be taken for a ride. There's being laid back and easy going, and then there's being TOO laid back. So laid back you are horizontal and people walk over you like a doormat. You could look out for yourself better than that. :(

Find a better balance between meeting your own need to be safe and healthy and heard, and meeting other people's needs. Being selfless is not a virtue.

Right now it seems like she sometimes does provoking stuff, and rather than speak up and work something better out? You make excuse for her behaviors and try to "keep the peace." Without stopping to think that maybe you wouldn't need to be "keeping the peace" so often if she didn't up and disturb it in the first place. And perhaps investing in some conflict resolution talks now, would save time and dings later. Even if doing conflict resolution stuff isn't your fav thing to be doing.

It would be nice for all of you to be happy. But check to make sure this is a SHARED vision you all share -- you, wife, and BF. Because if wife's operating under a vision of "I get to be happy and do whatever I want" -- you and the BF are going to get dinged a lot. And constantly dinged people are rarely happy.

Galagirl
 
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