How to react when your husband knocks up another woman?

Lou32 said:
I'm straight but I do find her attractive and we get on really well together like best friends, she's offered to sleep with me a while ago just me and her, and then later she asked about a threesome with hubby. So perhaps now when the
three of us are in bed together it may build my confidence to play with her.
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Umm... oka-a-ayyy... but you're straight. So why would you...??? :confused:

Are you aware that group sex, threeesomes, or bisexuality are not a requirement in polyamory? It's okay to be hetero and poly, without acting on same sex attractions, and it's okay for married partners to be sexually intimate with others separately, without spouses being involved. Just mentioning that, in case you're under the mistaken impression that poly people living together means they all have sex together. It seems to be in most cases that doesn't actually ever happen, just an FYI.
 
nycindie said:
Umm... oka-a-ayyy... but you're straight. So why would you...??? :confused:

Are you aware that group sex, threeesomes, or bisexuality are not a requirement in polyamory? It's okay to be hetero and poly, without acting on same sex attractions, and it's okay for married partners to be sexually intimate with others separately, without spouses being involved. Just mentioning that, in case you're under the mistaken impression that poly people living together means they all have sex together. It seems to be in most cases that doesn't actually ever happen, just an FYI.
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No I didn't know that, I assumed poly is - both 100% sexual and love freedom between a love triangle relationship - in an ideal relationship. But judging by your message then I guess its... just how my marriage is at the moment; husband is in love with two women and both women are completely happy to share him. I just get turned on knowing when he is "with her." - rather than simply accepting the fact that he loves her.
 
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Sure, it's perfectly fine and quite common to be turned on by thinking about your partner having sex with someone else. Same goes for straight people being attracted to someone who is the same sex, or gay people finding someone of the opposite sex attractive. Attraction to other humans happens due to a mix of different things. But experiencing an attraction doesn't always necessitate acting on it. Going there could really complicate your situation.

I think you have enough on your plate right now without pressuring yourself to have sex with your husband's lover just because you thought that is what poly people do. Keep things as a Vee, and don't try to force a Triad.

Perhaps you assumed that every heterosexual person who finds themselves in poly arrangements is obligated to "build up the courage" to be sexual with someone of the same sex? Polyamory wouldn't be as popular as it is, if that were the case. There are a lot of us straight people living polyamorously, whether sharing living space with metamours (our partner's other partners) or not. Better just to be yourself and be kind to yourself as you adjust to this new development in your life!

Take a look around our Life Stories and Blogs forum. A Vee, where two people are in relationship with someone but not with each other, is the most common configuration. Your husband would be the anchor and you and his lover would be the arms of the Vee. Usually it's a woman with two male partners. When it is a man involved with two women, it isn't actually very common for the women to be intimately involved with each other. In actually, a triad where everyone is all involved with each other is the least stable configuration and usually implodes spectacularly, with lots of drama and heartbreak.
 
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nycindie said:
A Vee, where two people are in relationship with someone but not with each other, is the most common configuration. Your husband would be the anchor and you and his lover would be the arms of the Vee. Usually it's a woman with two male partners. When it is a man involved with two women, it isn't actually very common for the women to be intimately involved with each other. In actuality, a triad where everyone is all involved with each other is the least stable configuration and usually implodes spectacularly, wwith lots of drama and heartbreak.
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Personally thinking then, that is 100% fine with me. No more trying to be bi-sexual with my husbands girlfriend even if she is very attractive and she is bi.

I'm not sure to be honest though. I just don't get how I'm straight and yet I like the idea of being in the same bed as them and then he moves over to me with her vaginal fluids on his penis as he makes love with me,
 
I suppose it's okay to get the larger bed just in case ...
 
I am in a V with my two husbands. Neither of them are bisexual. We do not share a bed and we do not share sexy times. My romantic relationships do not overlap in that respect, at all. They are both monogamous right now, but if either had another partner, I would not become involved with any girlfriend. I am straight myself. Yes, I can appreciate a good-looking woman and recognize that she is gorgeous, but I feel zero desire to have sex with one!

My guys will cuddle me on the couch together sometimes. I'll drape my legs on one and lay on the other. We will go to dinner dates as a 3, or to the movies. We play board games, go on trips and play bar trivia as a group. However, we also split up, and I have individual time and trips alone with each as well. Sometimes they do stuff together - household repairs, dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant (I don't like Pho) or run errands. But nothing romantic. They share a wife and a home and a family. They keep their penises private. :)
 
Lou32 said:
Personally thinking then, that is 100% fine with me. No more trying to be bi-sexual with my husbands girlfriend even if she is very attractive and she is bi.

I'm not sure to be honest though. I just don't get how I'm straight and yet I like the idea of being in the same bed as them and then he moves over to me with her vaginal fluids on his penis as he makes love with me,
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What you describe sounds more like a bit of a sexual fetish than anything specifically polyamorous. You posted something on one of the terminology threads asking if there is a female equivalent to a cuckold, or someone who is female and into 'hot wifing'. I believe the term is cuckquean, and yes, I guess there is something out there called 'hot husbanding'. There's something exciting about your partner being desired by multiple people, and when that's combined with the security of knowing that if that's allowed to be played out to it's natural conclusion, your partner still chooses to come back to you, I think it's easy to see how that could be kind of hot.
 
My husbands have nothing to do with each other sexually. There's no group sex or etc. My relationships are seperate but equal.
 
Triads are very uncommon. Media would have you believe that is the norm, and we get TV producers here asking for volunteers in this kind of arrangement to appear on their shows. Ratings are high for this kind of triad, since men's top fantasy is 2 women in their bed. But a much more common arrangement is a V. Or one couple, each of whom has a lover or lovers of their own.

You seem to be caught up in the sexiness of it all. Despite having a toddler and TTC yourself, and your meta being halfway through a pregnancy, you 3 are in NRE for each other, or for the very concept of "polyamory," or more correctly, 3way sex.

I think more time and care needs to go towards the babies coming... and less focus on the parents getting off. That's my thing though. I think the children we choose to bring into the world need to come first. You've got an actual baby on the way in your V. You've got other kids to tend to. But you seem to be consumed with thinking about "getting it on." At most, your meta is thinking of the squeaky bed disturbing the kids.
 
Lou32 said:
Personally thinking then, that is 100% fine with me. No more trying to be bi-sexual with my husbands girlfriend even if she is very attractive and she is bi.

I'm not sure to be honest though. I just don't get how I'm straight and yet I like the idea of being in the same bed as them and then he moves over to me with her vaginal fluids on his penis as he makes love with me,
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Is there really a need to find one exact label for your sexuality? Words have their limits. So, you have here described what turns you on and what you enjoy sexually... could leave it there. Only do things you want to do, and not worry about labels.

The thing is, everyone will anyway understand the label word their own way. Like your original understanding of polyamory does not match how many members of this forum see it, as has been described earlier.

Also, here is one more Vee relationship, me and my two guys. My husband dates other people, too, but I am not interested in joining them sexually, even though I am bisexual myself - as is he. We just usually do not find the same people attractive, and I also think it is best to let him have his relationships separate, makes things simpler. My other partner is straight and mono. We do "family stuff" together all three, like cooking and eating and watching tv. The guys do household and car repairs and that sort together, also they like to discuss things that I am not interested in when they are at home without me.
 
Don't get me wrong, our children come first no matter what - always, always. Hence why it was my idea to them that it may be the best option if she will move in with us. All three of us could help with babysitting/caring for the baby and Tom can spend more time at home with his kids and with his love life rather than him having to be split between two homes.

Believe me, Tom is over the moon that he has two women in his life who know about each other and are happy about the situation. The problem for us is facing everyone else and their reactions of probable disowning us because its not a normal relationship, its immoral and whatever, she's a slut and I'm stupid, people will tell her he is using her it won't last long and I'll be told I'll lose him.

This forum, for me, brings a sense of normality, tis so nice to hear people talking like its no different than a normal relationship ie mono.
 
Yes, polyamory is rather unremarkable at my house, we seldom even mention it anymore. We have a V with two men and one woman; the men are not sexually involved with each other, but are friends.

I'm really glad that you guys are getting things worked out. I know you dread coming out to your families, but don't lose all hope just yet. Sometimes the people you'd think are the least likely to accept your poly choices, turn out to be the ones who accept it the easiest.
 
Lou32 said:
Believe me, Tom is over the moon that he has two women in his life who know about each other and are happy about the situation. The problem for us is facing everyone else and their reactions of probable disowning us because its not a normal relationship, its immoral and whatever, she's a slut and I'm stupid, people will tell her he is using her it won't last long and I'll be told I'll lose him.

This forum, for me, brings a sense of normality, tis so nice to hear people talking like its no different than a normal relationship ie mono.
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I'm out between my friends, and that's never been a problem. If someone had a problem with it, they had now probably vanished from my life without stating the reason. I got a lot of accepting reactions as well.

With family, it was worse. I came out the worst possible way, because at that time I was trying to deny my love to Idealist and break up the not-yet-formed relationship. I was crying and devatated and obviosly not happy with the situation and my mom asked what's wrong. I'm not the best lier.
As you say she judged Idealist for being abusive, completely neglecting my part in this, and it became a banned topic at home for over a year. I didn't want to speak about it either.
But it's getting better now, as they had time and I've become less conflicted on my decision as well. They greet each other.

I'm not out at work and not planing to in the near future. Just keeping it not an issue. But if I was more secure in my abilities and had a more close relationships at work, I would not mind. I think in my country unless I want to teach/work with children, nobody dare fire me because of my love life. Honestly, I don't think anyone would care much - more like 'huh, she's got a weird love life, but she does her work'.
 
I'm out to everyone except Hubby's family, with whom I'm still closeted at Hubby's request.

I'm in a V configuration as well, and my boyfriend also has other partners. (Hubby's monogamous.) There's no sexual overlap between any of the relationships.

Wanting to be in the same bed as them when they have sex could be a cuckquean fetish, or could be a voyeurism kink, or could be just that you like seeing two people you care about have sex. Wanting him to fuck you after he's fucked her doesn't make you not straight; that's about bodily fluids, not necessarily about wanting to have sex with the person to whom the fluids belong.
 
KC43 said:
Wanting to be in the same bed as them when they have sex could be a cuckquean fetish, or could be a voyeurism kink, or could be just that you like seeing two people you care about have sex. Wanting him to fuck you after he's fucked her doesn't make you not straight; that's about bodily fluids, not necessarily about wanting to have sex with the person to whom the fluids belong.
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.. yes, and there of course could be also a tiny bit of sexual attraction, as hetero/homo sexuality is better described with a scale. Imagine 1-completelly hetero, never feels any attraction for the same sex, 5-bisexual, 10- completelly homo. Since you find her attractive, maybe you don't picture yourself at 1, but 2 or 3? Still pretty hetero, but feels a tiny glimpse of attraction for girls? Because, why not ;)
 
Don't be surprised if the family scorn is less dramatic than expected. I hope some of the veil of polyamory has been lifted. Like everything else mass media brings out the best and worse extremes about the lifestyle.

In the end all of our lives are private whether poly or mono, I guess that's why they call it intimacy, rather than publicity. If within the forum we share or choose not to share those personal situations and circumstances which we are proud of, concerned about, or just annoy the heck out of us.

Society is ever evolving in its views about behaviors and practices outside the personal rather than public norms.

Take it one day at a time. Note that you said she wanted a child. So accept that as a starting point. Whether the child changes your husbands views on the poly relationships, is so far over the horizon, its not forseeable through anyone's looking glass.
 
Hi there,

I'm also in a triad and this is indeed a sticky situation for you. However I may not agree with how the hubs is already making concrete plans to have another child with her while disregarding your feelings. In my honest opinion that is a red flag and it sounds to me that if this V is going to work, concrete boundaries must be made and respected otherwise bigger issues will come into play and it will break with big consequences. ( hence why you should certainly have it in law locked paperwork hubs has some form of shared custody for his daughter should this go south and burn) and especially before another little one is thought on.

It will be tricky and difficult, but for the time being there is no wrong in you expressing that after the little girl is here that they wait 2 or 3 years before having another one. If they do not respect this then you will have to make a serious decision because if they disregard you they are not only disrespecting you, but are not including you and will not have valued your input for caution, nor do they value or see you as an equal partner, which to me is not an option, ever.

They need to slow down and allow you all to find your groove and work out the growing pains and emotional bumps that come along with creating a V, or like in my case, a Triad. My biggest fear in my own situation ( which was happily sorted out without issue) was that a child would be in the middle of a negative and emotionally draining conflict if things were not smoothed out, worked on and each and everyone's needs and boundaries weren't respected.

I grew up in a very divided and awful divorced family setting and as a child I was utilized as emotional fodder and abused emotionally to the point I was dysfunctional and had horrid self esteem and stuttered. These are serious factors that must be considered, especially with the two little boys around. They are watching and observing what is going on, so keeping a healthy house hold and a civil relationship is of the utmost importance, and if it is to not work it is all the more important things are civil, fair and that everyone is valued, you ( as well as I) are raising someone's future husband and how you all behave and interact with one another will be picked up on. Forgive me if I sound scary, but I just wanted to be sure that I at least brought out these ideas, perhaps you can even relay these situations and unknown possible variables to them, to urge them to slow down and take the right, carefully thorough steps forward before even planning another one while taking your feelings as a factor, and not a blow-off.
 
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