My best friend and polyamory issues

C

ColinMc

New member
Hi

I haven't seeked help on this situation but i feel now i need help more than ever.

Heres how the situation goes...

My best friend (female) has over the past year decided to delve into the polyamory lifestyle with her husband of 6 years. Her and I had always had feelings for eachother but never explored them due to crossing boundaries. But with her partner becoming more open to the idea of her being with other people then we started to explore. He was quite ok with her being with female partners but a little unsure about male partners. She misunderstood this and thought he would be ok with the idea of her and I exploring our feelings for eachother.

So for several months we evolved into a physical and sexual relationship. But also more connected than that, we were in love and happy being friends and happy in the situation we were in. It made us both happier than we'd ever been before.

But then once he found out what was going on and was not happy with the situation he put a stop to it and so did she. Well, she wasn't so well to put a stop to it as he was. She obviously still had feelings for me and there were moments where lines were crossed but nothing too dramatic.


The problem i am facing now is he has become more open to the idea of her being with male partners but still against the idea of me and her because we are all close friends.

She has recently started seeing a new male friend and things are progressing for them, but this upset me as i felt her passion and feelings for me started to subside and i felt pushed to the side whilst this new person now receives the attention and feelings i once received.

I got angry at the situation and we had a quite large fight and now we do not talk anymore. I shouldn't have let me feellings get the better of me but i did.

I am not happy watching her explore her feelings and desires with new people when my own feelings are essentially just null and void now.

I dont feel we can be friends anymore because i am unable to see past this unfortunate situation and am not happy being in a place where i am the only one denied my freedom to express love. But on the flipside, i dont want to lose my best friend.

Can anyone help or offer any advice?

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and i greatly appreciate any help here x
 
ColinMc said:
....we were in love.....once he found out what was going on and was not happy with the situation he put a stop to it and so did she.
Click to expand...

Best friends or not, she is your ex. And now you'd like to be friends with your ex.
Is this a fair characterization of the situation?
 
Essentially that's what I'm not sure of.

I want my best friend back the one i fell in love with, but i don't want to be discluded from the arrangement and i would never ask her to change her ways and her partner will never be comfortable with us, so i don't even think its possible.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Sounds like you want to return to being close friends with your ex GF.

But it is hard to do that because if you are close friends again, then you struggle with envy. Missing her and watching her move on in her dating life with the other guy. And wanting the privileges she grants the other guy. She chooses him as one of her BFs at this time. She does not choose you.

Could waiting for a time help? So your romantic feelings can subside before you try to revive the friendship?

Other than time, what might you need to be able to see past this situation?

Galagirl
 
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I think it's important to realize it isn't your best friend's/ex-girlfriend's partner that is actually the issue; but, rather it's her. She has agree/allowed him to dictate who she can/cannot date, and that is on her.

You want to be friends, which is admirable, but she has chosen to allow someone else to control her relationships. I can see how that would be hurtful. As GalaGirl says, would some time and space help?
 
I think time and space is the only option i have right now because i honestly don't even feel like i could see her. Every time i look at her i am constantly reminded of everything and it gets me so down.

Time and space is best i think
 
Break ups are usually not fun even if wanted. Breaking up with a friend might be harder. Because had you broken up with someone else, the friend could have helped console you. Here in this situation, you do not have this friend to help console you. You have to seek support elsewhere.

I hope time and space does it's work so you can heal and feel better soon. Hopefully, you can return to being friends again afterward.

Galagirl
 
Hi ColinMc,

I imagine you'll need considerable time and space; your friend (ex-friend) dumped you (at her husband's bidding). That's a hard thing to get over.

Hopefully Polyamory.com can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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