Is my relationship at an impasse?

shovelandhoe

shovelandhoe

New member
Cuz I can't tell anymore. And whoa- advanced apologies for the long post.

Queer poly transman Partnered for 2 years with a cis woman. Her vision of poly for herself is having me as a primary partner, then seriously dating (regular dates, love, emotional connection) one or two other people. My vision is having her as a primary partner then having casual sex with multiple people, including strangers.

We have an ever evolving agreement to disclose and discuss our intentions and sexual dynamics with other people that currently sits at "free for all" unless I have sex with a woman. For her- it's a free for all as long as she gives me a heads up. like say if a partner will be in town staying at her house for the weekend, etc.

We have lived out this reality since the beginning of our relationship- her seriously dating one other person in particular and me having regular casual sex with lots of different people. It was a definite struggle for me to share my love with her with someone else. It actually took me 6 months to genuinely be okay with it. She was patient and agreed to dates only once a week until I got more comfortable with it. I'll be honest- I was no angel and freaked out numerous times, but took a lot of deep breaths, told her to keep her relationship up and be patient with me and I'd eventually get over it. Then I did!

She also has been supportive of my sexual needs, but over time has become uncomfortable with two parts of it: sexual safety (I use barriers for penetration but not for oral and made that boundary for myself years before she came along. I also have in-depth conversations about sexual health, and my partnership, before I hook up with anyone and she's well aware of that) and energetically sharing me with so many other people.

Just last month- after struggling to make peace with our diverging relationship ideals, we decided to try out NOT having sex with each other in hopes that we could maintain intimacy and companionship without her worrying about her own sexual safety. It is actually working great for me because I am super in love with her and am so thankful for our companionship that sex plays second fiddle to my love. She, however, turned her focus to having to share me energetically with other people and is very latched on to this idea- causing her to pull away significantly. I thought the shift would alleviate her anxiety (which can overwhelm both of us at times), but it hasn't seemed to help yet.

To add to the pile of things to consider (which seems never ending with poly right?), I typically only hook up with men outside our relationship. I'm only occasionally attracted to women and it just hasn't come up yet. She has let me know, in no uncertain terms, that hooking up with women would be much harder for her- so I haven't acted out on any attractions I've had to women since we got together. But since she and I aren't having sex, and we are in this time of being brutally honest with one another about what we are looking for in a relationship, I disclosed yesterday that there was, indeed, a woman I wanted to hook up with. A friend (and mutual acquaintance) Not a romantic attraction. And she lost it.

Not only did she say it was inappropriate that I even wanted to, she told me it was disrespectful to add something so hard into the mix (I only brought up the idea to talk about it.... I have no plans or any calculated agenda- I just wanted to put it on the table). She's also decided that this woman is rude to her in public (I've been there and don't see it.... And have asked others to pay attention- they haven't seen it either) and it's a "low blow" for me to even bring up considering sleeping with her.

For full disclosure- my partner did ask me just a few days before if I was attracted to this woman- and I said no. Because I honestly had never thought about it before. But after getting to thinking, then spending time with this woman, I realized that: yeah- if it were easy for me and my partner, I would. So I brought it back up immediately. And she's upset that I "convinced her out of her gut feeling" then changed my mind. Which I totally hear her side- even if that's not exactly how I would put it.

I'm giving her the space to react however she needs to, but her anger about this situation has led her to an ultimatum- if I do this, we are over. And that just feels like SO much pressure on a hook up! Of course I wouldn't rather have random sex than be with my partner, but I'm beginning to think it's an unreasonable thing to ask of me.
And even further- maybe we are trying too hard to fit square pegs into round holes.
Because even if I don't have sex with this woman, my partner is visibly, emotionally and admittedly super uncomfortable knowing that I have sex and relationships with other people. She tells me I should do whatever I need to do, but then it's a long process session every time I do. So unfortunately, I often don't. Which is my fault and exactly why I brought this new dynamic up- to avoid not doing something just cause my partner wouldn't like it.

And I'm just not sure if I'm trying to make something work, that just isn't meant to work anymore. I'm not ready to give up, but when every step of the way is a mountain to climb, it gets exhausting! But maybe this is just how it is? I don't know if I believe that though...

Thoughts?
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

FWIW? Here's what I gather from your post.

WHAT SHE WANTS

  • Her vision of poly for herself is having me as a primary partner, then seriously dating (regular dates, love, emotional connection) one or two other people.
  • She wants you to NOT date and NOT hook up with other women.
  • She is (grudgingly?) ok with you dating/hooking up with other men. But wants to limit the number?
  • She wants you to use barriers/condoms for everything with your other partners -- penetration, oral, etc. Rather than stating barriers have to be used with HER.
  • Prefers not to share you energetically with so many people.

WHAT I WANT
  • My vision is having her as a primary partner then having casual sex with multiple people, including strangers.
  • I want to date or hook up with men or women.
  • I want her to give me a heads up ahead of time. Other than that, it's "free for all" for her. Date men, women, whatever she wants.
  • I use condoms for penetration, but not oral sex.
  • I want to be free of her overwhelming anxiety.
  • I want to stop shrinking myself/my preferences just to avoid triggering her.
  • I want to be able to discuss potentials (men or women) without partner wigging out or taking it personally like I did something to her.

Because even if I don't have sex with this woman, my partner is visibly, emotionally and admittedly super uncomfortable knowing that I have sex and relationships with other people. She tells me I should do whatever I need to do, but then it's a long process session every time I do. So unfortunately, I often don't. Which is my fault and exactly why I brought this new dynamic up- to avoid not doing something just cause my partner wouldn't like it.
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I think you guys are not compatible. I'm not sure you ever were. She wants her poly network to be relatively small. (3 partners for her max). You wants yours to be bigger than that, and she's not comfortable with a large number of metamours.

Does she really want Open for her and Closed for you? :confused: Or is it that she wants her partner to be like her -- want small-ish poly networks?

From the sound of it, you are tired of accommodating and trying to not trigger her and feeling confined. You guys have stopped sharing sex together. No more sexual intimacy like that.

If you try to have honest conversation about what you think/feel and try to share mental/emotional intimacy with her? She takes it personally and has a cow at you.

Sounds like you are walking on eggshells around her.

So I think it might be best to part ways and stop dating. After a healing time, if you can be friends, then great. Be friends. That might be a better, more compatible model to practice together.

But trying to be romantic primary partners isn't working out for either very well. She's not really getting the primary she wants. You are not really getting the primary you want. You keep trying to fly a kite that won't fly well. So... could stop flying it. Let the romantic model go and no longer practice it together.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for the quick and succinct reply Galagirl. When you break it down in the eloquent way you did, it's pretty obvious to me that it's not working.

I've known that for a bit, but was really hopeful that with our outstanding communication, we could work through it.

But perhaps it's just time. Which is a total bummer.

Reading this: "She wants you to use barriers/condoms for everything with your other partners -- penetration, oral, etc. Rather than stating barriers have to be used with HER." has been enlightening feedback. I'm honestly shocked at myself (and her) that I never brought that into the conversation.

And you asked if she wants open her for , closed for me? I have actually even said that to her. I believe she would be happiest with two partners who are monogamous to her. I am just not that guy.
 
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shovelandhoe said:
She, however, turned her focus to having to share me energetically with other people and is very latched on to this idea- causing her to pull away significantly.
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What do you mean by "share me energetically?" How is this different than emotional and sexual sharing? Since this aspect seems particularly problematic for her, please clarify what it means.
 
Thanks for the reply FallenAngelina. By "sharing me energetically" I mean that my partner feels there is a lingering energy after my time with someone that she is particularly sensitive to. And after I have a date with someone else she doesn't feel comfortable being near me for a day or so after. She likes to have energetic space between me hooking up with someone and then spending time with her.

When we were having sex, her concern was mostly surrounding safety. So when we stopped, I hoped her anxiety about me hooking up with people would dispel, but instead it transferred onto a concern about sharing me energetically with a bunch of other people.

And our agreement, after we stopped having sex, was to just do what we do and if the other person asks, then we can talk about it. So with that agreement she never knew if I had hooked up with someone (unless she asked) and started to feel like she could be hanging out with that "energy" with me at any time. Which was real hard for her and it showed in her pulling away.
 
shovelandhoe said:
....she never knew if I had hooked up with someone (unless she asked) and started to feel like she could be hanging out with that "energy" with me at any time. Which was real hard for her and it showed in her pulling away.
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I think there are few on this forum more down with the concept of "energy" than I, but what you're describing is her way of understanding her thoughts and feelings. She's pulling away from you because she's having a hard time with her own thoughts and feelings around sharing you, not because there is any "energy" (like emotional dander?) on you from another person. It's perhaps a helpful image for her, but nobody can assert their "energy" onto another unless it's invited in (via thoughts and feelings.) What you seem to be describing is garden variety jealousy, which is perfectly valid (IMO) and not something that anyone should strive to eradicate in all cases. Sounds to me as though she is struggling to admit that she just simply does not want to share you with other women. That's not the end of the world and in fact, most people take this as a compliment. The "other person's lingering energy" seems to be a less cognitively dissonant way for you two to explain to each other that she is not happy in the least with your relationship with this woman in particular.

The "energy" of jealousy is powerful indeed and often feels as though someone is asserting it onto you, but it's always a product of our internal thoughts and feelings. I don't blame anyone at all for pulling away and however you two deal with this is your choice, of course. I'm just encouraging you to call a spade a spade here, which, however humbling, will help you both take personal responsibility to find a workable solution for a continued harmonious relationship.
 
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I've known that for a bit, but was really hopeful that with our outstanding communication, we could work through it.
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I am glad to hear you have outstanding communication.

Talking about no longer trying to fly the kite that will not fly and agreeing to stop trying to fly it IS working through it. To me anyway.

It is just not the outcome you were hoping for. Which is a bummer.

At the same time, there is much to be said about having a graceful, respectful, clean ending that you can look back on fondly. Maybe that could be the new hoped for outcome.

Galagirl
 
shovelandhoe said:
Thanks for the reply FallenAngelina. By "sharing me energetically" I mean that my partner feels there is a lingering energy after my time with someone that she is particularly sensitive to. And after I have a date with someone else she doesn't feel comfortable being near me for a day or so after. She likes to have energetic space between me hooking up with someone and then spending time with her.
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FallenAngelina said:
I think there are few on this forum more down with the concept of "energy" than I, but what you're describing is her way of understanding her thoughts and feelings. She's pulling away from you because she's having a hard time with her own thoughts and feelings around sharing you, not because there is any "energy" (like emotional dander?) on you from another person. It's perhaps a helpful image for her, but nobody can assert their "energy" onto another unless it's invited in (via thoughts and feelings.) What you seem to be describing is garden variety jealousy, which is perfectly valid (IMO) and not something that anyone should strive to eradicate in all cases. Sounds to me as though she is struggling to admit that she just simply does not want to share you with other women. That's not the end of the world and in fact, most people take this as a compliment. The "other person's lingering energy" seems to be a less cognitively dissonant way for you two to explain to each other that she is not happy in the least with your relationship with this woman in particular.

The "energy" of jealousy is powerful indeed and often feels as though someone is asserting it onto you, but it's always a product of our internal thoughts and feelings. I don't blame anyone at all for pulling away and however you two deal with this is your choice, of course. I'm just encouraging you to call a spade a spade here, which, however humbling, will help you both take personal responsibility to find a workable solution for a continued harmonious relationship.
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There are few on this forum more skeptical of the concept of energy than me ;) but I completely understand where the OP's partner is coming from. My husband definitely has a different energy after spending time with his other partner, and I find it a little annoying. I don't see it exactly as the other person's emotional dander - more that his own energy is different around her, and when he first comes home, he's still in that mode.

It used to bother him that I wanted space when he first came home, but we've adjusted. It only takes a few hours for me to feel like he is "his usual self" again. But I'm still happier when he spends the night at his other partner's house, or goes and does something else in between, instead of coming home in "Stephanie's Andy" mode.

I'm not saying there's anything the OP should or even could do differently... Just that I think "energy sharing" is a thing, and if partners feel uncomfortable about it, or disagree about it, it is a real issue.
 
Hi shovelandhoe,

I have to agree with GalaGirl in that I don't think you and your partner are compatible. The best you can hope for at this point is an amicable parting. I know this isn't what you want to hear. I hate to say it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
My husband definitely has a different energy after spending time with his other partner, and I find it a little annoying. I don't see it exactly as the other person's emotional dander - more that his own energy is different around her, and when he first comes home, he's still in that mode.
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Oh, for sure a partner's energy will change after having been with someone else and there is often a period of re-stabilization, but nobody comes home with so-and-so's energy all over him. I guess it's a bit like arguing how fairies sprinkle fairy dust, but it's worth discussing because I get the impression that shovelandhoe's partner has a specific problem with this specific woman and doesn't feel comfortable simply stating that she feels jealous. The "energy sharing" concept seems to be the accepted explanation and I'm not sure how well that is serving this couple. It seems to be muddying already fairly muddy waters.
 
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