advice to a new person please

D

dora123

New member
I need some advice and hopefully reassurance
Yesterday my husband (we have been together for nearly 5 years) told me that he was not sexually fulfilled by our relationship. He told me that he still loved me more than ever and always wanted to be with me, but that he feels he needs to have sex with others to satisfy this need that has been affecting him for a long time. I reacted very badly as i have always been a monogamous person and this came out of the blue for me.
Reading posts already on here has been very helpful already for us in understanding what this really means and that we are not the only ones in this situation. I particularly found BeeCee’s helpful as the situation seemed very similar to mine. I strongly associate sex with love, i have only had 2 sexual partners which were both very long term. My husband has had far more relationships and one nightstands than me and he explained he does not link sex and love like that.
Im still quite upset and slightly angry at him but reading these posts has helped me to open my mind to the fact that there are lots of different kinds of relationships and that he could have sex with others and still love me.
He said he only wants sex out of other people as i give him all the love he needs and he doesn't want to replace me.


I think what i am asking here is can this work? I love him so much that i am willing to take this journey with him. Other peoples accounts of similar situations would be very helpful


Thank you
 
Polyamory is different from casual sex.

There is nothing wrong with casual sex imo even if it is not for me personally. I am poly but I do not have casual sexual relationships. I have been with my husband Butch for 15 years and my other husband Murf for almost 5.

This message board focuses on Polyamory which is forming loving/romantic relationships with more than one person. Not hooking up.

Someone else may have experience that can help you.
 
Last edited:
dora123 said:
I think what i am asking here is can this work?
Click to expand...
Of course it can work. There are people out there doing open relationships like you described. However, this board might not be the best place to ask for advice, as Dagferi pointed out.

If you start this open relationship and your husband falls in love with one of his sexual partners and wants poly - then we might be of more help.
 
dora123 said:
He said he only wants sex out of other people as i give him all the love he needs
Click to expand...

Your husband isn't suggesting polyamory, he is asking you for an open marriage. Polyamory is just one type of open relationship that can include marriage or not, but always includes love/affection/attachment. Certainly, there are many married couples that have an open marriage agreement in which one or both have sex with others without love with others. What makes them successful, I couldn't say.

You'll find a general sentiment on this forum that where there is sex, feelings often follow. We see many people come here in distress when they've agreed to an open marriage/relationship, only for one or the other in the couple to have fallen in love. Many sexual relationships can remain friends-only, but sex is by nature a bonding experience. Just because a person has had a lot of non-love sex doesn't mean that he would never come to love a sexual partner. We see it here frequently.
 
If your husband wants to share love with only you, and share sex with many it sounds like maybe he is monoamorous and polysexual.

That is not polyamorous -- where he wants to share love with many.

You have to decide if you want to be in an Open marriage or not. Even if you don't right now -- would you ever want to date outside the marriage? What about children? Maybe you both want genetic monogamy where you only have kids with each other.

Right now you sound willing to think it over and get a better idea of what that could mean. Take your time thinking it out, and thinking about how it might end. Maybe it ends well and you transition into Open marriage and do fine. Maybe it does not end well and you have to think about breaking up. Don't shy away from talking it ALL out.

This is not definitive but maybe it could help you guys figure out what sort of Open models you are up for and which ones you are not up for:

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships

I don't know if these could help also.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

Sometimes looking at something even if it is not quite what you are up for helps you figure things out better than "looking at a blank page." Kinda gets the conversations going.

Like "I don't know exactly what I am up for, but I know I'm definitely not into that..."

GL!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi dora123,

I want to recommend a book to you. It is called, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. I think it will cover the full range of ethical nonmonogamy for you, both poly and otherwise.

I think it is hopeful that this can work for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
dora123 said:
I think what i am asking here is can this work? I love him so much that i am willing to take this journey with him. Other peoples accounts of similar situations would be very helpful
Click to expand...
So far, as others have suggested, I see the need to specify your open model.
Is there something more specific you would like to know or hear stories about? Why is it you think an open relationship would or wouldn't work with you?
 
Not sure if there is a better thread for this question/response

Hi,

Thanks for the clarification between polyamory and open marriage.... this sort of leads to something that is happening to me.... my wife of 14 years has had several affairs. These were in response to various needs to be emotionally connected to someone; someone that was there that fulfilled a emotional connection and a physical one that I could not fulfill.

Just recently, in order to try to preserve the marriage, I agreed to an open marriage. Something where she could go and fulfill her needs to connect and be sexually satisfied.

My question: is an open marriage just sex? Or, in an open relationship, should I expect that they also constantly communicate? Like constantly texting? Constantly communicate with one another? Or is that not a "normal" open relationship?

Thanks,
Confused
 
That depends entirely on what the people in the open marriage agree to.

You might as well ask "do all games require a ball?" Some, like football or tennis, do. Others, like chess or poker, don't. Some open marriages opt for all living together in one big happy family, others go for a "don't ask, don't tell" approach. Most are probably somewhere in the middle.
 
I can see how frequent communication and contact by text could be involved if the open relationship is there to help someone meet sexual and emotional needs. It's hard to be vulnerable and connect on an emotional level without contact. Especially if face to face time is limited.

To me, open relationships and poly relationships are simply subsets of one another. If the people in the relationship are free to form new connections with people outside the relationship, even if that's just a hypothetical, then it is open. If a person has multiple romantic or loving attachments simultaneously, then it is polyamorous. If a person is free to form romantic or loving attachments with new people, it's both open and poly. Within that space though, there's a ton of grey. I tend to love most of the people I date as friends. I'm having sex with them, and there's an emotional connection, but I wouldn't say there's always a romantic component, except with my life partner. I text those people quite frequently outside of dates, because they are important people in my life. Am I in a poly relationship or merely an open one? I think I'm theoretically open to falling in love with others, so it seems fine to my mind to consider it poly, but with the caveat that I have very little experience with juggling that romantic side. I also tend to pick people to date who are very different to who I would pick if I were looking for a romantic or life partner type of person too, simply because I like the fact that dating without the need for deep compatibilities at every level opens up the possibilities to date people who are very different to my usual 'type', and I enjoy figuring out those new connections.

It sounds like deep down you are unsure if you and your wife are on the same page about her dating. The best thing to do is to ask HER what being in an open relationship means, and go from there. It sounds like she might be more interested in emotional/romantic connection than something purely sexual, so figure out if that feels good to you, and if not, why not. Best of luck figuring it out.
 
My question: is an open marriage just sex?

No asexual people can be in open relationships too.

Or, in an open relationship, should I expect that they also constantly communicate? Like constantly texting? Constantly communicate with one another? Or is that not a "normal" open relationship?

If someone needs constant contact to feel secure they should not be in an open relationship. It is very intrusive on the other people's time.
 
Drivenfast -- you might ask a mod to split your part off into its own thread so more people see it and hopefully respond.

My question: is an open marriage just sex? Or, in an open relationship, should I expect that they also constantly communicate? Like constantly texting? Constantly communicate with one another? Or is that not a "normal" open relationship?
Click to expand...

An Open Model is something participants design together. That article is not definitive --- but it gives some ideas of how some people approach it and make their agreements. People make their Open agreements for how they want to be practicing their Open model together.

There is no "normal" open relationship in the sense that everyone does them the same way. They are DIY and people design them to suit the participants. So it isn't like it will be the same kind for all groupings of people. Some might want casual hook ups, a regular FWB they share regular sex with, or more of a BF/GF person or several spouses. Some might want relationship anarchy, some might want kitchen table poly, some might want solo poly. Some might want mono-poly configurations. Some might want kids and living together. Who knows? It's up to them to figure out what they want and what to include in THEIR way of doing it.

What matters is if you are being treated in the way you want to be treated, and if you feel safe/happy/respected/valued participating in YOUR Open Model. You do not sound happy.

With the constant texting and not being appreciated... you sound like maybe you are in poly hell.

Just recently, in order to try to preserve the marriage, I agreed to an open marriage. Something where she could go and fulfill her needs to connect and be sexually satisfied.
Click to expand...

Let me ask you something... why "preserve the marriage" rather than "attend to the well being of the people?":confused:

  • If wife is having cheating affairs, it doesn't sound like she's happy in it.
  • You don't sound like you love being cheated on.

What makes your current Open Model different than her cheating? Did you guys make some agreements around how you would practice an Open Model together? Were the agreements realistic and reasonable? Is she holding up her end of the stick? Are you holding up yours?

Or has this basically changed from cheating behind your back to cheating in the open in front of you?

I'm not saying it cannot be done, but going from cheating to Open Marriage or Polyamory is very hard. But I do not see where you don't mention how you guys have healed from the cheating. Maybe this helps:

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

I could be wrong but I get the vibe you are coming at it like "I don't like being cheated on. If we are in an Open marriage, I don't have to be hurt any more because it's Open. Can't be cheating on me any more and I still get to stay Married to her."

You don't sound like you are coming at it like "I love Open Models and want to practice them." :(

It isn't like polyamory or other kinds of Open models are a "band-aid" solution to problems in the marriage.

They also are not "cheat proof." A person can cheat on their monogamous agreements. A person can also cheat on their Open agreements. What makes the person trustworthy is their character and whether or not they have integrity. Where their talk matches their walk -- their words match their actions. If they say one thing but do another -- you cannot trust in their Word.

So if you guys have not fully healed from the previous cheating affairs, leaping right to Open Marriage might be putting the cart before the horse. Might want to slow it down and talk stuff out first.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thanks

Thanks GalaGirl, TenK, Dagferi, and Emm ... very insightful.

I'll try a new thread to open it up to the larger audience... but you bring some good points. It may be that rather than our marriage relationship evolving to a poly or open relationship, I might be using it as a mask for infidelity, plain a simple?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top