Wife wants to go Poly. I do not.

E

ERU

New member
Hey y'all... First time poster. Long time lurcher.

Any way last year I was in the hospital for 20 weeks. 2 times I came to the brink of death. Spent much of that time incubated and bed bound. Recovery meant learning to speak and walk again after losing those abilities.

During that time I asked my best friend to help my wife around the house for my duration in the hospital.

Apparently during that time (which was 13 months ago) they would have dinner together. Sometimes he would stay after doing chores around the house and watch movies.

Apparently she fell in love with him and he fell in love with her. When they knew there feelings crossed the line they immediately cut off contact with each other. Feeling being around each other would be to tempting. They didn't Want to hurt me and violate our marital vows.

They assure me that nothing happened. I believe them.
Last week they came to me and said they were in love and wanted my blessing to pursue a relationship. If I did not agree, they would immediately stop their friendship so as to avoid the deepening of feelings and attraction.

I don't know what to do. My wife says she feels so much joy and love when she is around my best friend. It feels so natural to want to make it more intimate. Sexually and relationally.

My wife is wonderful and I am so grateful for her. She is the love of my life. She took a leave of absence from work to be in the hospital every day with me. Wor ked after at a job she was unhappy with to make up for lost income as I was recovering.

My best friend is the second most important person in my life after my wife. We have been through every thing. We have known each since we were 7. We are both 37 now. We drove long haul truck together. served in a military capacity together over seas.

There is a part of me that wants to give my blessing. I want to see them both happy. But I also feel anger, sadness, fear and jealousy. But I would never say thathat to them.

I have known my best friend for 30 years. I have been married for 15 years. No children.

I am at a loss of how to go forward.
 
I am sorry you struggle. I am also sorry to hear of your recent health problems.

I think you could speak your truth. You just wrote it here. Could even print it out or email it: tell them you have mixed feelings about it. There is a part of you that wants to give your blessing. You want to see them both happy. But you also feel anger, sadness, fear and jealousy. At this time, wife wants to go poly. At this time, you do not.

Maybe you need more time to think it over because from you POV -- this is coming from nowhere. Maybe in time you could decide to go there. It's a soft limit -- no for now, but in time, maybe. Or perhaps no matter how much time passes, you know you do not want to be part of a polyship. Not your thing. It's a hard limit with you. Maybe you need time to figure out what kind of limit it is?

If so? You have to do your soul searching on that. You could ask for more time to think this over. But if they need an answer right now, it sounds like the answer for right now is "no." You do not want participate in a polyship. At this time, you prefer to be married to wife only.

So then it is up to wife to state her preferences. If she prefers to let this idea go, or she prefers to disband the marriage and pursue friend.

I think it is a natural thing to have happen. Almost like trauma bonding -- this big health /near death experience and them coming closer to help provide support for you. People bond over times like that. Sometimes it's actually growing into love. Sometimes it's mistaking (intensity of a project) for (intensity of feelings). Sometimes it is both.

They did the right thing in coming to you and being up front about how they feel/think rather than skulking around and cheating.

You could do the right thing and be up front in how you feel/think. What is preventing you from speaking your truth? :confused:

I wouldn't rush into poly here.

But I encourage you to speak your truth. If even at a whisper. People cannot be mind readers. You seem to want to move this forward... so speak your truth.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings ERU,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I suppose the best thing to do is to say to your wife that you are not ready for polyamory at this time. Maybe that will change in the future. But tell it like it is for right now.

Rough situation to be in. I hope you find the words to say what is right for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Yes, if you are willing to consider such a proposition, then tell them you need time to think about it and learn more. Asking for 3 months or 6 months doesn't seem unreasonable to me. You could ask that all three of you do some reading in the meantime. Try the books More Than Two or Opening Up. Ultimately, you don't have to agree to anything you don't want to, but I do hope your best friend won't disappear if you say no.

Thing is, I'm sure they'd be thrilled if you consented, but many billions of people throughout time have been able to get on with their lives and be happy even while loving someone they could not have. They won't shrivel up and die if you say no, and eventually the intensity of their feelings for each other will fade if not acted upon. So don't let yourself feel obligated or pressured just because your wife was there for you and so attentive while you were in the hospital - that's what good spouses do.
 
This jumped out at me:

"There is a part of me that wants to give my blessing. I want to see them both happy. But I also feel anger, sadness, fear and jealousy. But I would never say thathat to them."

You will need to work on your communication skills because this is all stuff you will need to talk with your wife about.
 
You may consider giving it a shot, and give your blessing, if you feel that the marriage is strong. It doesn't sound like your friend wants to "steal" yopur wife away, and this experience might be a great one.

In my case, my wife, Maricel, developed a special friendship; and to make a long story short, my wife's boyfriend, Adam, moved in with us about 10 months ago, and things are going great. Sometimes, she sleeps alone with either me or Adam, and other times we are all together in our king size bed. Although Maricel has sex with Adam more frequently than with me (they are both much younger than me), I have never felt neglected or that my needs weren't met. I must admit that knowing that my wife is filled with Adam's semen is extremely arousing to me and, as a result, my sex life with Maricel has been enhanced since Adam came into her life.

It's scary to take this leap, but the benefits can be limitless!
 
vinsanity0 said:
This jumped out at me:

"There is a part of me that wants to give my blessing. I want to see them both happy. But I also feel anger, sadness, fear and jealousy. But I would never say thathat to them."

You will need to work on your communication skills because this is all stuff you will need to talk with your wife about.
Click to expand...

Agreed. There is nothing wrong with being honest about how you feel and how other's behavior makes you feel. There is a difference between saying,

"You make me feel sad. You make me jealous"

And

"I am feeling sad and jealous at the thought of you being with someone else. Can we talk about that? I want you to be happy, but my happiness is also important and I need your help to work through these feelings first before I can figure out if I would be ok with you having multiple relationships while being with me."

Because your wife can have any relationship she wishes. You, however, can as well, and you can choose to only stay with her if she remains monogamous if that's what you are comfortable with.

I definitely agree with reading the book "More than Two." Kevin also recommends it all the time and it's not only a great read for poly relationships, but honestly sets good principals for ALL relationships.

Good luck!
 
Wait, wait, wait...

ERU, it's cool that YOU are considering nonmonogamy.

...but are THEY...?

As in BOTH of them?

Monogamism is pernicious, "having a harmful effect, especially in a gradual or subtle way."

Are they into expanding you extant dyad.. or in replacing it with another dyad (their own)?

Talk about it now, or never.
 
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