I think I need some kind words...

[Zeggplant]

Ok, so now about my therapist. I hadn’t seen her for a while so we spent a lot of time talking about my new (and first!) job. After that I told her I still had something for Sleepwalker and we talked a bit about poly in general, and about how I would imagine living it. Of course she asked me if I would consider Sleepwalker or Be having another partner, and I had to take some time thinking about that. I used to be extremely jealous to the point of having stomachaches when Be had a text from his ex. I used to spy on him. All in all, I’d say I used to be very afraid of losing him. But I’ve overcome that pretty recently and I now trust him entirely. I can’t force anyone to love me or stay with me (nor do I want to). So I told Mathilde (my therapist) that while I don’t think Be would be able to love more than one person, I think I would accept it as long as it is said, honest and as long as we stay the “primary” couple. I live with him, and I definitely love him enough to imagine a future with him, with kids and all. So for now I’d say that if I were able to begin something with Sleepwalker, Sam would stay kind of my number one. I don't know if/how that's possible but it's how I see it now (member, I'm just a newbie to poly)

But we are no way near that for now. I’ve understood that, as the one wanting poly, I have a lot of responsibilities and if I ever want to achieve a happy ending for all of us I have to think a lot about what’s going on, and I have to take baby steps as slowly as I can.

First of all, I have no intention of being dishonest with Be. Before telling him about my feelings for Sleepwalker, I want him to know about my ability to love more that one person at a time. I need him to understand that I never asked for this and that I cannot ignore what I feel. Once he understands that, I want him to know that while I’ve always ignored those feelings to the best of my abilities, but that this time they do not want to go away. Maybe he won’t understand in the end, and maybe he’ll consider this cheating. But if we intend on spending our lives together, he may as well know who I am and how my heart works. The recurring crushes won’t stop, the attractions won’t disappear, and neither will the frustration. I want him not to be a victim of my feelings but more of a support. Because I don’t enjoy being stuck and ashamed of my feelings, anyone would at least understand that. As GalaGirl said, I don’t control what I feel and for whom. Which is really a relief to read I have to say. I am tired of being ashamed of who I am…

Then, once this is set up, I’ll ask Be what to do. At no point I intent on forcing him into accepting my desire to start something with Sleepwalker. I will never say “either you let me, or I leave”. This wouldn’t be poly. This would be childish and counterproductive. I’ll also take into consideration how my feelings and relationship with Sleepwalker are at that moment (I don’t think I’ll be able to have any big talk with Be before January…). If Be is totally against me having another partner… Then I don’t know, I guess I’ll stay friends with Sleepwalker if possible, and simply try and kill my feelings. I don’t want to think too much of this because I’m not there yet at all.

So, yeah, that’s where I am now, Still confused and afraid of all the changes I’ll have to make in order to be true to myself. But I am done lying and I’ve decided to be open and honest at once.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Zeggplant,

That is a lovely picture of future polyamory, and I think your determination to tell Be what's going on is the right thing to do. I hope Be will be accepting of it; he might not be accepting right away. Could take a year or so.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Bluebird]

I think you really need to be honest and explore within yourself if poly is something you are, or something you want to do. Because it sounds like you are identifying as poly, to me. If this is truly the case, then why would you try to shoehorn yourself into a monogamous relationship? If Be has no desire to practice poly himself, and is vehemently opposed to you doing so as well, you need to let him go - if this is who you feel you are.

Some people say that they can be monogamous or polyamorous - but I know that I myself cannot do that. I was monogamous for so very long, but now there is no way I could ever turn off that part of my person.

It may hurt to think about breaking up, but deciding to pretend you are something you are not - that's just more unhappiness and drama.

 

[Zeggplant]

Thank you for your kind answers.

I was wondering, are there any posts here or blogs somewhere else on the web where people tell how they began their poly life?

I talked to my mom yesterday, she can have very wise advices sometimes. She said that, to her, Be (having been abandoned by his mom multiple times during his childhood) would the kind of person who'd say "Okay, you can live whatever you want" and just disappear instead of actually saying that he doesn't want to "share" me.

Yes BlueBird, I do think I am poly. I do thing I have always been. But I do love and I deeply hope that I can make all of this work. Wether Sleepwalker enters the equation or not, I simply think these reflexions about my identity ought to happen. I am 24, I am going and (supposedly) have a long life to live, thus I need for know who I am and act accordingly to this identity as closely as I can.
But here's the thing : I love Be. I love him deeply, and I do not wish to hurt him anyhow. While I really want to be honest about who I am and what I feel, I really want to take it as slowly as possible in order to have him really understand.

Today my mom told me she wants to become a foster home for very young kids. She talked to my step dad about that. I saw them talk and I realized Be and I definitely have some communication problems. I am still scarred by what happened during our first 2 years and don't feel able to tell him whatever happens in my mind/heard/life in general... And that does not get along well with my recent desire to be honest and myself truly.

My mom told me that's what life is all about : you commit to one person and just ignore the temptations along the way, no matter how annoying and frustrating that can be. Is this really what it is? I am 24 and my life is already all set? I'll never be able to faithfully explore other parts of my sex/heart life? I'll have to commit to Be and always reject any other attraction or feeling I may have? Is this really what life is all about?

If I listen to that, then my options are :
1) be faithful to Be and try and kill my feelings for Sleepwalker (as well as any other crush I may have)
2) confront him and have him leave me
3) be unfaithful and pursue my feelings for Sleepwalker in He's back.

Sounds unlogical, childish and dishonest to me. But I don't know. I feel confused...

 

[GalaGirl]

You have internal conflict. Look at the conflicting statements:

I now trust him entirely.

I am still scarred by what happened during our first 2 years and don't feel able to tell him whatever happens in my mind/heard/life in general... And that does not get along well with my recent desire to be honest and myself truly.

Basically you don't trust Be. At least not from the sound of it. But you are not ready to "own" that. Part of you keeps telling yourself how great it is with him like you are trying to convince you. While the other part of you is telling you it is not true... and then you struggle with internal conflict.

If you have a new desire to be want to be more honest... it has to start with being more honest with yourself. Then you don't have this internal conflict.

Feeling sad that you are outgrowing/no longer trust Be? It's ok to feel that. Could stop trying to talk yourself OUT of those feelings just because they are hard to feel. If you want to become more emotionally resilient, you have to take the "fun" feelings along with the "not fun" feelings. Not try to talk yourself out of them or hide from them.

In time ALL feelings pass. And then you have to figure out what to DO. FWIW, this is what I am hearing that you want:

You are 24. You are going and (supposedly) have a long life to live.
You need to know who you are and act accordingly to this identity as closely as you can.What is the identity?

• You are poly.
• You are not ready to commit to partner(s).
• You want to explore other parts of your sex/heart life.
• You want to be with partner(s) who are ok with you noticing attraction to others without it being a big deal

.​

In other words, your preferences have changed since you first met Be. He no longer meets what you are seeking at this time. People can change over time -- nobody's fault. It happens.

You could end it with Be. Finish grieving, then move on to explore the new life you want to be exploring. Whether to not that includes asking Sleepwalker if he's poly or poly-friendly is one option.

You are young and you do NOT have to have your whole life "set in stone" right now.

Your mom is not wrong -- when you are ready to make life-long commitments to partner(s) you will. But right now? This doesn't sound like you want to be making life-long commitments to anyone but YOU.

And Be is not the life-long partner or one of the life-long partners anyway, even if you did want to make heavy commitments at this time.... because you do not trust him. Be honest with yourself about that. Make your peace with it.

It could feel like you traded (inner conflict upset) for (break up sad). Like "(This stinks) and (this stinks too) so what did it get me?"

What it gets you is closer to this:

• I need to know who I am and act accordingly to this identity as closely as I can.
  
• I need the ability to faithfully explore other parts of my sex/heart (without cheating on anyone or hurting anyone though dishonesty)

And in time? You may find that your spirit is uplifted because you are being more honest with yourself and truly trying to live out your life according to what you value. Not how Be does his life, not how your Mom does Mom's life. But how YOU do YOUR life.

That's called "being true to myself." When you live your values and live authentically. It makes taking the bumps and lumps of the "no fun" feelings easier to take because they are worth it then -- you are living authentically YOU. And not trying to live someone else's life or values like an ill-fitting coat.

Not every person you date will be a long haul runner. That's what dating is FOR. To find the compatible ones. The thing with Be? It's run its course from the sound of it. Feel sad, but stop bending yourself into knots over it. Untangle, and move it forward.

Galagirl

 

[InfinitePossibility]

I think it is important to think things through and decide how you want to live. I see loads of positives in poly. When I first started learning about it, I was fascinated - thought it would be the answer to lots of things in my life. The idea of not needing to choose, of having more love - and a more varied sex life. All good stuff.

Then I read more. Spoke to people who are in or have been in poly relationships and I decided that it wasn't for me. Developing crushes and feeling that sort of love for more than one person is one thing. Bringing that into my life is another.

I have a partner who would love it if I was open to being poly. No problems there. I also have the time and energy to dedicate to more than one relationship - as well as to searching out the few people around who are open to poly relationships. I have a secure job that only requires me to work 3 and a half days a week. I have tons of spare time - and plenty of money.

Yet - when I thought about it. I realised how much work it would be. Work to deal with feelings of jealousy or insecurity that might arise. Work to deal with the fact that my partner may well fall in love with somebody else and want to spend more time with them than me. Work to make sure that I behaved well toward any metamours I might have. Work to find a new friendship group who I could talk to about these issues without them just advising me to leave the relationship. Time to maintain those friendships - as well as the ones I already have. Time to build and maintain romantic relationships.

I decided it seemed like way too much work directed to one area of life. I have lots of interests and don't want to set my life up in a way that I can only really pay attention to one of them.

So I decided to just have crushes, enjoy them and not attempt to take any of them further. I've always been able to talk to my partner (and the previous one) about being attracted to other people and finding other people really stimulating to hang around with. Similarly, my partner tells me when he's attracted to people and when he has strong feelings for them as well. We just don't act on them. My partner is free to if he wants - but I'd likely leave the relationship. I value a varied life too much to enter into a poly relationship.

If I listen to that, then my options are :
1) be faithful to Be and try and kill my feelings for Sleepwalker (as well as any other crush I may have)
2) confront him and have him leave me
3) be unfaithful and pursue my feelings for Sleepwalker in He's back.

Aside from option 3 - which just seems like a horrible way to behave - I'm not sure what your problems are with 1 and 2. In fact, if you do want to live an honest life, it seems like you should tell Be about your feelings. Even if he does choose to leave you. It doesn't seem okay to me for him to be in a relationship with somebody who feels unhappy with the way it is and isn't telling him in case he chooses to leave. To my mind, choosing to do that compromises his autonomy. He doesn't know what he's signed up for and so can't consent to stay in it.

I hope you manage to sort all of this out.

IP

 

[Zeggplant]

GalaGirl, I understand your point but I'd like to remind you that I've fallen into that whole poly thing only 2 weeks ago or so. I don't think it would be wise to suddenly change my entire life because of that. And I don't think it would wise either to end my 3 years long relationship with Be just because of that, without even giving him a chance to listen and understand me.

During those 3 years we encountered so many obstacles, other couples of our ages (or older) would have split up and went their separate ways... But we didn't, because we loved each other enough to overcome those obstacles and both made huge efforts to make things work. And there is no way I'm throwing all that away on only two weeks of questioning, especially since I am extremely happy with him.
If my crush for Sleepwalker hadn't grown so strong I'd be happy right now that I have a job, a boyfriend who loves me and does a lot of tiny things to show his love to me daily, and faithful friends who know and support me whenever.

When I said I trusted him I think I was talking about my former jealousy problems and how I now trust him to be faithful or at least honest if he ever feels attracted to someone else. Apart from that, I trust him to try his best to make me happy. I'm not saying it'll always he enough, but I know for a fact that I love him and he loves me to, in a very mature and adult way.

InfinitePossibility, you're right to tell me to think more about what's happening. I said (and will keep saying) that I have no intention of rushing things. If I were to start something with Sleepwalker it would be serious. I can wait for the whole climate to be good for that. I seriously feel like I can wait if needed. Yes I'm frustrated, yes I'm hurt because I can't pursue, but I don't want to just destroy everything if theres is even a slight change of Be (and Sleepwalker) who I am.
Polyamoury didn't seem like the answer to all of my questions since I didn't really have questions. I thought I had those crushes because I wasn't entirely living in the real world and that I needed some nice feelings to feel alive. However it does resonate a lot with how I see love and relationships in general.

I am unhappy because I would like all this to settle down quickly and to have a happy ending as soon as possible, but then again I'm not always in touch with reality. There is more than just me in line so I'll have to be cautious and patient. But it'll be worth it I think !

 

[FallenAngelina]

And I don't think it would wise either to end my 3 years long relationship with Be just because of that, without even giving him a chance to listen and understand me......I would like all this to settle down quickly and to have a happy ending as soon as possible...

Looking for a happy ending with anyone you met when you were 21 is a dicey proposition. Even at 24, it's an awfully tall order to expect that you'd be able to hitch your wagon to another person's star for the rest of your life. Your mother's view on life, that you settle in with one person when you're young and squelch all other desires come hell or high water - well, that doesn't appear to be working out for very many people anymore. The world and our life spans have changed dramatically since this was the norm. It's not the norm any longer and people are finding various ways to express that. Whether it's getting married later in life, opting for open marriage, opting for divorce and re-marriage, having affairs or never marrying at all, this fairytale ideal just doesn't exist in the reality of how most of us live today.

So let yourself off the hook. You don't have to figure all of this out and indeed, you really can't. Take "happy ending" out of the equation. GG is right: this is what dating is all about, discovering who you are and what's important for you. You figure this out in relationships and by being with various people. You do it either before, during or after marriage, but almost everyone does it - openly or not. There really is no happy ending in relationships, anyway. Whether you get married or not, life goes on and on and on and on.

 

[Tinwen]

My mom told me that's what life is all about : you commit to one person and just ignore the temptations along the way, no matter how annoying and frustrating that can be. Is this really what it is? I am 24 and my life is already all set? I'll never be able to faithfully explore other parts of my sex/heart life? I'll have to commit to Be and always reject any other attraction or feeling I may have? Is this really what life is all about?

That is the way our moms did monogamy. It's a good recipe for a safe and stable home if you're starting with a good relationship anyways. But it's not the only one.

If I listen to that, then my options are :
1) be faithful to Be and try and kill my feelings for Sleepwalker (as well as any other crush I may have)
2) confront him and have him leave me
3) be unfaithful and pursue my feelings for Sleepwalker in He's back.

You said you want to sort nonmonogamy out with Be, soI just want to make you aware of option 4: Let go of Sleepwalker in order to not be in a rush, while you are sorting things out. Take the pressure off yourself, so that if it takes a year or three to go slowly with Be, you have the time.

 

[GalaGirl]

GalaGirl, I understand your point but I'd like to remind you that I've fallen into that whole poly thing only 2 weeks ago or so. I don't think it would be wise to suddenly change my entire life because of that. And I don't think it would wise either to end my 3 years long relationship with Be just because of that, without even giving him a chance to listen and understand me.

Give him the chance to listen and understand you. Have the talk.

I am unhappy because I would like all this to settle down quickly and to have a happy ending as soon as possible, but then again I'm not always in touch with reality. There is more than just me in line so I'll have to be cautious and patient.

That is kinda my point. There IS more than just you. Decide to have the talk. And think about HOW you have the talk.

If you have been with Be for 3 years? You can kinda guess if he's up for this or not. in your first post, you indicate that he wouldn't be up for poly.

I cannot though, as my boyfriend nor Sleepwalker would understand that I can love both.

You cannot know for sure since you haven't come right out to ASK, but it sounds like the odds are unlikely. You are there, you know Be, so you would have the best sense of estimating the odds.

You also seem to agree with your mom. That Be is the type of person who'd say "Okay, you can live whatever you want" and just disappear instead of actually saying that he doesn't want to "share" you.

You don't want to break up. I get that. I'm not trying to upset you further or add to your burden.

But if you are trying to think of other people? You are basically taking up his 1 sweetie spot. He thinks you are this one way, and you have changed/are changing. You guys may not be not as compatible as you used to be. You may be facing a deal breaker. You taking time to think it out -- that's great for you. And you should take time.

But if you take time without giving him the same chance by giving him a heads up and then scheduling a date further out to talk?

When you finally do talk for him it might come out of the sky like a bomb to him. He had no heads up. He doesn't get the same chance you did to gather his thoughts together and come to the table prepared to talk. That's not kind.

If you want to be more honest? Report your emotional weather. Be cannot be a mind reader. And then at least, he's not going to get blindsided. He can be thinking things out too during the "thinking time."

If you are going to wait a few weeks because of his work stress and his mom stress, that's fine. But if that's just going to turn into you postponing forever... that's not helping either of you.

Maybe reading about game changing relationships helps you.

https://www.morethantwo.com/gamechanger.html

But if you are asking what you could do?

I think you could be more honest with yourself and set a firm date to talk to Be. It might work out, it might not. But you have to talk. To alleviate your internal conflict things and your struggle with wanting this to be done quickly? You have to make up your mind to give him a heads up, talk by X date, and then stick with the plan. Give him the same time you get to think and gather his thoughts together so he can some to the talk prepared and not be hit with it like bombs from the sky.

Sort this out.

Having a firm plan of "heads up by X date" and then talk by y date may also help you reduce the circular worrying you seem to be doing.

Don't ADD to your load. TAKE AWAY.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Zeggplant):

"I was wondering, are there any posts here or blogs somewhere else on the web where people tell how they began their poly life?"

I know there's Why and how did you get into poly?

 

[Bluebird]

A link to my blog is in my signature. I started it when I started into poly. That said, my story is different than yours.

 

[InfinitePossibility]

If I were to start something with Sleepwalker it would be serious. I can wait for the whole climate to be good for that. I seriously feel like I can wait if needed. Yes I'm frustrated, yes I'm hurt because I can't pursue, but I don't want to just destroy everything if theres is even a slight change of Be (and Sleepwalker) who I am.

Good news that you are planning to be thoughtful about your life.

However, I think that your plan to wait for the climate to be good for you to get what you want is an unpleasant way to treat Be. It sounds like you plan to wait, knowing that you want a dramatic change to your relationship, until you think he will be willing to comply with your wishes. To me, that isn't kind way to treat another human being.

People are not comfort blankets to be clung to and manipulated to meet each other's needs. If things have changed for you then you really should tell Be what is going on. He should have the choice to decide for himself if this is what he wants - and you should have the choice to lead the life you want to lead.

I've never had anybody treat me that way and have never had a bad break up - sad, yes, but never had anything awful happen. I do have friends, though, who can't even talk about their exes unless it is to say how horrible they are. What seems to trigger that extreme reaction is a feeling that they never knew the ex. That they were deceived in some way for a period of time such that they were living a lie without knowing it.

Relationships and people change. Sometimes you can stay together and sometimes you can't. It is just the way the world is. To avoid having conversations so that you can continue in a less than truthful situation doesn't seem like a path likely to lead to happiness for all involved.

I thought I had those crushes because I wasn't entirely living in the real world and that I needed some nice feelings to feel alive.

There isn't entirely a real world to live in. Everybody sees the world so much through their own world view that there can't be. My real world and the real world of anybody else aren't likely to be the same. Everybody needs some nice feelings to feel alive.

I do think it's problematic if your only source of nice feelings is regular crushes on people outside whatever relationship you are in. I suspect that many people are happier with a range of sources of nice feelings.

There is more than just me in line

Yes. There is more than just you in this - which is why it's a good idea to let the person that you share a home with know what's going on.

IP

 

[Zeggplant]

Thanks for the links, I've already begun reading some of them.

InfinitePossibility, I didn't mean that I wanted to wait until I could get what I want. Talking with Be about serious matters has always been complicated and I know for a fact that I should take my time and really think about what I want to say and how I want to say it. He can get stuck in a misunderstanding for days and ask no question nor let me explain myself furthermore, which in a theme like poly can be the end of us. Which I do not want.
Also, I don't plan on telling him "either I have the right to be poly with Sleepwalker or I leave", that would be awful and cruel. I just want to find the right time and the right words to explain who I think I am and how my heart works, compare it to how his works, and maybe find a solution or a compromise.

GalaGirl, you're right once again, Be deserves his thinking time. But not now. I'm starting to think that this whole questionning my identity could be an awesome chance for us to get better at communicating but I have no idea how to start this. I see my therapist tomorrow and we'll discuss this furthermore...

Last weekend I was at my mom's for my sister's birthday. As here in France Nov 11th is a holiday, I took the train on the thursday evening. Be was exhausted so he stayed at home all friday and joined us on saturday. During Friday I chatted with Sleepwalker as I corrected the texts he sent me and he told me he had found someome to illustrate the book, whihch is awesome. He then told me we needed to have a texts for them that would summarize the universe we're crating by sunday evening as he promised to send them something by then. So we dicided to meet again on sunday afternoon.
When Be arrived and we were in the car driving from the station to my mom's, I told him I was meeting Sleepwalker and also told him about the possile illusrtration. He said nothing but I saw like a shadow on his face and for a second he looked like he was in pain. I immediately panicked but said nothing (my stepdad was there). Then the day went on and I became all cuddly because I didn't want Be te feel abandonned or unloved. I thought about it the whole day and could really realized how much I loved him and how much I didn't want him to be hurt... So I told Sleepwalker I wasn't sure we would meet as Be didn't seem to appreciate me spending time with him. He said he understood.
At night I talked to Be and told him I wanted him to know he was my number 1 and that I loved him deeply. And that's the truth : to me, right now, what I have with him is more important than what I could have with Sleepwalker. So, that's something I'm certain about.
In the end Be told he was okay with me going. He denied being hurt by me going out and I told him I trusted him to tell me whenever he's not okay with what I do. That's another issue : he'd rather say nothing and explode months later than say right away what's wrong, so I constantly have to check and ask if everything's okay if I don't want to get a whole spate of anger and confusion later...

I'd like to come back to what my mom said. What bothered me is that in her opinion I only have 2 choices regarding the whole poly thing:
- Either I tell Be about it and we're done
- Or I don't tell him and we "live happily ever after" together.

Except I don't think living forever with a lie is a good thing. Not at all, actually. I know that's what you've been telling me the whole time but you'll have to understand that it's complicated to talk to Be in general and that I have a lot of people around me who'll take Be's defense (as if I was trying to attack him...). My mom, for one, told me she was moved by Be's story and how he was abandonned as a child and now again as an adult by his mother and how she'd like to become sort of an adult support to him. He's part of the family and I don't know if I'll get my family's support on this if things go wrong... I mean, they'll blame me if we break up because of that.

I'm not saying all that to avoid the talk. I'm saying all that so you have a better understanding of all that's going on *around* just me and my unsure new identity. Once again I'd rather take my time and find a calm moment (this week again Be's waking up at 6AM and won't be home before 8:30PM) when I have a better idea of what I want/feel/am to talk to him.

I'm sorry, it seems I can't write short texts at once ^^; but it is a huge relief to be able to talk here and to have replies. I can't thank you all enough...

 

[FallenAngelina]

.....this whole questionning my identity could be an awesome chance for us to get better at communicating but I have no idea how to start this. I see my therapist tomorrow and we'll discuss this furthermore.......
I told him I trusted him to tell me whenever he's not okay with what I do. That's another issue : he'd rather say nothing and explode months later than say right away what's wrong, so I constantly have to check and ask if everything's okay if I don't want to get a whole spate of anger and confusion later...

This is a good place to start working on your couple communication and on your half of the relationship. The feeling of needing to walk on eggshells around someone in order to keep the peace is a sure sign that there's lots to work on, not only in the relationship, but in each partner. Nobody makes you have to check in constantly. This is something that you can only volunteer to do. If you feel backed into a corner about this, it's a great arena for you to focus on in therapy, because undoubtedly this is not the first relationship in which you've felt this way. You're right that crises often bring us opportunities to improve. Glad that you have a compadre (your therapist) to help you in this venture.

 

[Bluebird]

That's another issue : he'd rather say nothing and explode months later than say right away what's wrong, so I constantly have to check and ask if everything's okay if I don't want to get a whole spate of anger and confusion later...

Poly is not right for you at this time. This issue needs to be under control or communication issues will cause your relationship to fall apart once stress is added to it. In poly, you have to trust that your partner is being up front and clear about their feelings, all of the time. If they aren't willing to communicate, then you are sunk before you even start.

The fact that you are hesitant to even bring up the idea - it sounds like you guys have some communication issues that could end up threatening the current structure of your relationship. Both of you need to work on being truthful with each other about what you want and who you are now, before adding more people into the mix.

 

[Zeggplant]

Things are slowly starting to take shape, at least!

After last week's confusion I am finally calm enough to think about this whole thing.

I saw my therapist this morning and we had an awesome talk. That plus what you said helped me see through what's going on. Mathilde said she saw my relationship with Be as a pillar that I had decided to cling on whatever happens, and that the crushes or attractions I've experienced were like waves or tsunamis that I could not avoid, but I kept holding on to my pillar in order not to drown in the wild and sudden emotions.
Sleepwalker would be more like like a rising tide, so even though at first it was intense and breath taking, now I can see it coming from far and it's going slowly.

Regarding my communication issues with Be, Mathilde said it would be a good opportunity to start telling him I that I need more response from him when we talk. I sort of stopped talking after a while because I wouldn't answer. Not even the polite "ah?" "I see" or "alright" answers. He literally doesn't answer when I talk to him. I would be telling him about my friends, my family, about that bus driver who was grumpy but smiled back when I greeted him... And Be would stay silent. No comment, no question, no nothing. I got used to that but you can imagine how complicated it is to keep talking to someone who doesn't answer. He said that it's because he has nothing to answer, so he gets the information in what I say, and he's glad I talk, but he won't answer. Oh well...

I've decided not to pursue anything romantic with Sleepwalker for now as everything is confused and I would like to be clear with what Be and I want to begin with. I won't stop talking to him though, because as Mathilde understood I suffer a lot from this whole situation, the whole waiting and trying to find what's best for everyone. I'm not globally unhappy, neither am I unhappy with Be, but I am frustrated and sad that my vision of things is not as clear for me as it is for Be.

Mathilde also told me I should tell Be about those crushes I can have and that I don't usually intend to pursue them in any way. I think I'm starting to see a pattern, a structure for the big talk we'll be having.
First, I need him to understand that we don't communicate as well as we could, and that telling him stuff has become difficult as I am still stuck in our old patterns in which he would misunderstand what I say and stay in his misunderstood point of view instead of lettibg me explain myself. It's not an accusation, it's me explaining my faulty cognitive behavior and how I trust him enough to let him know and finally *give him the power to help me*.
Secondly I'll try and tell him how I keep having those temporary passions for people just as I have temporary passions for subjects or things. I can become obsessed over one subject for a few weeks and then abandon it entirely. When you know this pattern I have, it's not that bizarre that I keep having crushes all the time (3 a year I'd say ^^)
Then, when all this is said and understood entirely, I'll tell him I live him very much and do not want to lose him, that he is my number one priority. But that I have caught feelings for someone in addition to what I already feel for him, and that I have been very confused and hurt because of that. That I need his comfort and support, that I want him to know about this crush I developed and that, once again, I'm telling him because I trust him.

If, at some point, Sleepwalker tries something, I'll he honest with him and tell him I can't start anything with him until I've become clear with Be first.

What do you think of all this? I think this has a chance of working. I don't want to hide anything, I've been reading a few posts here and have understood how much trust and honesty communication is important. It's time I start trusting Be. Either he understands and our relationship will evolve for the better, or he doesn't and I'll have at least the "satisfaction" (or at least the knowledge) that I'd done the best I could.

 

[FallenAngelina]

... it would be a good opportunity to start telling him I that I need more response from him when we talk. ......sad that my vision of things is not as clear for me as it is for Be.....I need him to understand that we don't communicate as well as we could, and that telling him stuff has become difficult as I am still stuck in our old patterns....

The problem here is that your vision of things, as you say, is not rooted in you, but in Be. You'll never wring out what you need in another person, and indeed you have already tried that, until you have a sense of yourself that is solidly based on you. Like many of us, you're looking to "better communication" to improve this situation, but by taking that approach, you're dependent on Be's ability to transform into something that he cannot be. The only time that our partners change is when we have truly changed ourselves first. Don't look to Be for better understanding about how you communicate: get better at communicating. Start by clarifying for yourself what you want. If the freedom to explore crushes joyfully is part of what you need, then stand by that. If devotion to one person feels right for you, then stand by that. By you'll never find stability in asking or needing another person to change, for other always and only reflect what's going on inside of us. You must become more stable in your vision for yourself. You must not just talk, but become better at conveying who you are. Right now, you're quite adrift, which is perfectly normal for someone your age. The crushes and Be reflect this. The way to stabilize is not by "needing better communication" from anyone else, but by developing your own, internally generated sense of who you are and what you want.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'll tell him I live him very much and do not want to lose him, that he is my number one priority.

I wish you would say Be is your #1 priority after you.

You could be your #1 priority. Not in a selfish way, but in a "need to look out for my health and well being" way. Be can have a lot of your care and attention if you wish. Even up to 49% of it. But the other 51% of your energy could be reserved for you doing your self care. Then you are not tempted by soft feelings for Be to ignore your own self and do self neglecting or self damaging things.


I think your therapist is right.

• You could be more up front and honest with Be.
• You seem to make Be your "pillar" to cling to.

Whether or not he wants the job or can even do the job.

I think it is YOUR job to be your own pillar. You could develop more confidence in yourself. You could be like the captain of your own ship -- take assertive charge of your life and how it unfolds. Rather than be passive like a leaf in the current blown about however the current goes.

Maybe something to bring up with the therapist -- how to become more your own pillar?

What do you think of all this? I think this has a chance of working. I don't want to hide anything, I've been reading a few posts here and have understood how much trust and honesty communication is important. It's time I start trusting Be. Either he understands and our relationship will evolve for the better, or he doesn't and I'll have at least the "satisfaction" (or at least the knowledge) that I'd done the best I could.

I think you could go with your plan above. You are starting to take more charge of your life and be more self reliant. It's a start.

So you made a plan, now move on to execute the plan. Keep talking to your therapist for support along the way. Let the chips fall where they may. Take a risk and find out YOU CAN HANDLE IT no matter which way it plays out. Have some more confidence in your ability to cope with things that happen in your Life. Confidence doesn't come out of the sky. It's more like a muscle. It becomes stronger through USING it.

The next step would be figure out what you will do if the chips fall in a way you do not enjoy despite you doing the best you could do.

Do you plan to move out again? And this time follow through?

Galagirl

 

[Zeggplant]

I am sorry GalaGirl but I fail to see why you keep pushing me towards separation ? Perhaps you still think I am in am abusive relationship and I am too blinded to see it or something like that?

I don't intend on moving out at all, this whole questioning didn't stop me from loving Be or wanting to have a future with him :/

While I can understand why you and FallenAngelina would think I am dependant on Be for my own balance, I'll have to tell you it's not true at all. After dealing with my social anxiety and depressuon I've made friends with whom I have always been very straightforward and clear. Actually, for the past few months I've become pretty popular in my group of friends as I organize weekly events where we all meet and have fun. My friendships are very healthy and I am always ready to talk through any problem I may encounter with my friends. That's because I've met them when I already had rebuilt the self confidence I once was lacking. I don't have that with Be because I've always been keen on hiding my negative feelings to others, especially in a romantic relationship, and Be trusted me to tell him whenever I had a problem. It didn't work, so I'd like to try it differently now.

I already command my own ship and I am the kind of person who would float back to the surface no matter what kind of hurricane they'd face. I just don't want to sink the whole boat, crew members and passengers with me at the same time because I know I'll float but I don't know about them. Be is not my life-saving pillar, he's my relationship pillar, meaning he keeps me balanced and being with him helps me not to drown into the tsunami of feelings that can pass through me. Sure it can be annoying to have someone so calm and silent at home but it's also very relaxing when I get home and my mood swings suddenly calm down and I can snuggle with him and enjoy the present moment.

There's nothing wrong, for me at least, to try and see first of all if I can find an agreement with Be before exploring anything. I'm young, I can wait a few months if this is what I need to fully negotiate or at least try. I'm sorry to disappoint but I never had the intention to break up or leave Be solely for my own fun. We're in this together, or at least I'll try and make it that way. And if he can't handle the whole poly thing after I have explained it all to him, well, I'll see what I do then...

As a couple we're supposed to fix things before we throw them away, or at least that's how I see it. One can fix and even upgrade what they have if they're open-minded enough. Isn't that how it works?