I've got a lot of backstory here, so I apologize, in advance, for the wordy post.
My wife of 21 years and I got into the swinging lifestyle about 7 years ago. About 5 years ago, we met and played with a couple that we really enjoyed, Vivian and James. We continued to see them and developed a friendship with them that eventually turned into poly. None of us were looking for poly, but we found ourselves in a four-way quad with two couples. I loved Vivian and my wife loved James and vice-versa. So, we agreed to try the poly lifestyle. A few months in, I began to get cold feet and was questioning my ability to handle poly, as I felt more comfortable in monogamy. My wife and I began to argue about it and I ended up breaking up with Vivian. In my immaturity, I made a demand that my wife break up with James, as well, and choose to return to monogamy with just me. She refused and stated that poly is a door in her life that she can no longer close and would not bow to my demand. We ended up separating for a short time, over it, as she continued to stay in a relationship with him.
Then, as I did a lot of introspection and soul-searching, I chose to return to her and embrace poly. I wanted to try to grow in that area. After a couple of months, Vivian and I got back together and we began working on our pod relationship. We got a lot better and I grew a LOT. We all made a pact that from then on, if one couple decided to call it quits, that we would never more demand that the other couple have to break up or end. That all relationships are valid and one cannot trump any other. It was our attempt to practice "blurred lines" instead of a primary/secondary model. During the next few years, they moved in with us, with all of their kids. We were a family of 11 people, total, all living under one roof. We were a model of successful poly to all of our swinging lifestyle friends. We had our share of fights and problems, but we always made it through them. I learned to love Vivian as my wife, just as much as I loved my actual wife.
However, over the last year, my wife and James have been growing apart. She has been more and more exasperated with him and he has been despondent and unemployed for a year. He suffers from PTSD from a military experience and major depression. About 3 months ago, my wife declared that she didn't want to break up, but that she couldn't live together as one family anymore. She demanded that we separate ourselves and that Vivian and James move into their own house. This was very troubling for the three of us, as we've spent the last couple of years entangling ourselves together. Shared bank accounts, finances, etc. We have even bought most of our furniture and appliances together. So, we tried to appease her and committed to go to counseling to try to work out a good solution. Then, disaster struck.
About 6 weeks ago, James and my wife got into a big fight and broke up with her. The next two weeks were majorly stressful as we all lived together and Vivian and I were scrambling to figure everything out. Then, one night, James and my wife got into a huge fight and James physically assaulted her. The next day, the police were called and he was arrested on a felony charge of domestic abuse. My wife took our three kids and left the house to stay with someone else, against my desires. I have no problem with her getting to safety, but our kids weren't in danger, in my opinion, but she lumped me in with James and Vivian and turned off all ways of finding where she was. After a week of being without my kids, Vivian's heart was breaking, and she talked to her family and chose to move their family out to where they lived, about 4 hours away. She did it because she loved me that much and couldn't bear to be the reason that I was apart from my kids. So, we spent a frantic weekend, packing them up and moving them out. All because my wife said she would not return until they were gone.
Once they left, my wife demanded that I cut off all contact with Vivian and that I couldn't even maintain a friendship with her at all, or she would divorce me and accuse me of cheating on her. "Not even one text" was her response. My life is torn apart, because I still love two people and one is making demands that I give one completely up. Which is something we had agreed we'd never do. And it was something my wife refused to do, back when I made such an irresponsible demand of her.
As things have gone for the last 2 weeks, my eyes are being opened to the difference between Vivian and my wife. There has been a repeated pattern for the last few years of her verbally and emotionally abusing both James and I. She continues this by now trying to control who I can be friends with. I wanted to stay with her and try to make things work, as we have school-aged kids and 21 years together. But, it is more and more apparent that she wants out. I think she is just waiting until she can find a full-time job, as she doesn't work right now. Our lives and finances are in shambles and I'm being asked to cut off from the one person who is actually showing me love and sacrificing of herself to do that.
Vivian has had her share of problems with James as well, and is planning on leaving him. She has asked me to marry her, if my wife and I divorce. I don't know what to do at this point. I can't cut off my relationship with Janet, but my wife refuses to go forward, any other way. My wife and I have are trying to arrange a counseling session this week, that will possibly give us direction as to where we are going from here.
In the meantime, Vivian is wanting to come up and get a hotel room and have an overnight visit with me. She also wants to go to a NYE swinger's party with me. I'm worried about any of that, since my wife has threatened me with adultery accusations, if we divorce. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation?
I feel incredibly lost. I came to love and embrace poly in my life and never thought I'd be put in this situation of having to choose between my two lovers. Again, there are so many details and things about this situation that can't be easily explained in a posting, but I'd be glad to answer any questions that anyone might have.
My wife of 21 years and I got into the swinging lifestyle about 7 years ago. About 5 years ago, we met and played with a couple that we really enjoyed, Vivian and James. We continued to see them and developed a friendship with them that eventually turned into poly. None of us were looking for poly, but we found ourselves in a four-way quad with two couples. I loved Vivian and my wife loved James and vice-versa. So, we agreed to try the poly lifestyle. A few months in, I began to get cold feet and was questioning my ability to handle poly, as I felt more comfortable in monogamy. My wife and I began to argue about it and I ended up breaking up with Vivian. In my immaturity, I made a demand that my wife break up with James, as well, and choose to return to monogamy with just me. She refused and stated that poly is a door in her life that she can no longer close and would not bow to my demand. We ended up separating for a short time, over it, as she continued to stay in a relationship with him.
Then, as I did a lot of introspection and soul-searching, I chose to return to her and embrace poly. I wanted to try to grow in that area. After a couple of months, Vivian and I got back together and we began working on our pod relationship. We got a lot better and I grew a LOT. We all made a pact that from then on, if one couple decided to call it quits, that we would never more demand that the other couple have to break up or end. That all relationships are valid and one cannot trump any other. It was our attempt to practice "blurred lines" instead of a primary/secondary model. During the next few years, they moved in with us, with all of their kids. We were a family of 11 people, total, all living under one roof. We were a model of successful poly to all of our swinging lifestyle friends. We had our share of fights and problems, but we always made it through them. I learned to love Vivian as my wife, just as much as I loved my actual wife.
However, over the last year, my wife and James have been growing apart. She has been more and more exasperated with him and he has been despondent and unemployed for a year. He suffers from PTSD from a military experience and major depression. About 3 months ago, my wife declared that she didn't want to break up, but that she couldn't live together as one family anymore. She demanded that we separate ourselves and that Vivian and James move into their own house. This was very troubling for the three of us, as we've spent the last couple of years entangling ourselves together. Shared bank accounts, finances, etc. We have even bought most of our furniture and appliances together. So, we tried to appease her and committed to go to counseling to try to work out a good solution. Then, disaster struck.
About 6 weeks ago, James and my wife got into a big fight and broke up with her. The next two weeks were majorly stressful as we all lived together and Vivian and I were scrambling to figure everything out. Then, one night, James and my wife got into a huge fight and James physically assaulted her. The next day, the police were called and he was arrested on a felony charge of domestic abuse. My wife took our three kids and left the house to stay with someone else, against my desires. I have no problem with her getting to safety, but our kids weren't in danger, in my opinion, but she lumped me in with James and Vivian and turned off all ways of finding where she was. After a week of being without my kids, Vivian's heart was breaking, and she talked to her family and chose to move their family out to where they lived, about 4 hours away. She did it because she loved me that much and couldn't bear to be the reason that I was apart from my kids. So, we spent a frantic weekend, packing them up and moving them out. All because my wife said she would not return until they were gone.
Once they left, my wife demanded that I cut off all contact with Vivian and that I couldn't even maintain a friendship with her at all, or she would divorce me and accuse me of cheating on her. "Not even one text" was her response. My life is torn apart, because I still love two people and one is making demands that I give one completely up. Which is something we had agreed we'd never do. And it was something my wife refused to do, back when I made such an irresponsible demand of her.
As things have gone for the last 2 weeks, my eyes are being opened to the difference between Vivian and my wife. There has been a repeated pattern for the last few years of her verbally and emotionally abusing both James and I. She continues this by now trying to control who I can be friends with. I wanted to stay with her and try to make things work, as we have school-aged kids and 21 years together. But, it is more and more apparent that she wants out. I think she is just waiting until she can find a full-time job, as she doesn't work right now. Our lives and finances are in shambles and I'm being asked to cut off from the one person who is actually showing me love and sacrificing of herself to do that.
Vivian has had her share of problems with James as well, and is planning on leaving him. She has asked me to marry her, if my wife and I divorce. I don't know what to do at this point. I can't cut off my relationship with Janet, but my wife refuses to go forward, any other way. My wife and I have are trying to arrange a counseling session this week, that will possibly give us direction as to where we are going from here.
In the meantime, Vivian is wanting to come up and get a hotel room and have an overnight visit with me. She also wants to go to a NYE swinger's party with me. I'm worried about any of that, since my wife has threatened me with adultery accusations, if we divorce. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation?
I feel incredibly lost. I came to love and embrace poly in my life and never thought I'd be put in this situation of having to choose between my two lovers. Again, there are so many details and things about this situation that can't be easily explained in a posting, but I'd be glad to answer any questions that anyone might have.
