Partner is currently going through a potential break up

[marigold5]

Hi there,

I've never had someone I'm romantically and emotionally connected to grieve the loss/potential loss of another partner, until this past week. All the advice I've read online so far just says to support my partner in the way he needs to be supported. (That's easier said than done.)

In the past couple days, he's been feeling disconnected and overwhelmed (from everything, not just me). I want to be there for him. I really do. I've asked him what he needs (at least once or twice), and he's not sure. Things are sort of in limbo. Yesterday was the hardest yet... even as he tried to be present with me, his eyes were a bit glazed and conversation felt forced.

He said he hated the idea of one relationship affecting other relationships. I told him that that was kind of just how it was, with any relationship model, but especially poly. Our relationship is not in a vacuum and that overflow something we should expect. I told him I wanted to support him through it.

This creates a lot of feelings for me, in order of intensity:
1. Worrying about his well-being and mental health as he copes with loss/potential loss of someone he loves.
2. Worrying about our own relationship falling apart because he feels so lost from this break up.
3. Feeling inadequate/insecure because I'm sure he's thinking about his other partner a whole lot.
4. Feeling like I can't state my own needs because I want to practice patience/don't want to be insensitive or demand too much from him while he deals with this potential loss.
5. Worrying that my own needs will not be met and I will need to step away (and hurting a bit because this is already happening).
6. Worrying that he would never grieve this intensely if he and I split.
7. Feeling out of the loop/lost, as he just doesn't want to talk about what happened/is happening with his other partner.
8. Trying so hard not to feel guilty about his issues in his other relationship *and* trying not to worry about the weird mixed feelings over his potential break up.

I know that there are a lot of layers to my own thoughts and feelings, that they need to be explored more. I have a lot of insecurities and jealousies I have been processing from the beginning of our relationship, and they are certainly still present. So, not only am I spending energy on him, but also on processing my own feelings. It's a bit tiring.

But I'm just not sure where to go from here. How do I bring these issues up? Should I wait until things settle down for him, or should I be more assertive in advocating for my needs? Should I spend more time processing how I feel before bringing these things up?

xoxo
Marigold

 

[kdt26417]

Hi marigold5,

Your partner probably needs some breathing room as he processes this loss. Let him know you are there to listen and sympathize, then step back and let him work it out. At the same time, if you have needs he is not meeting, it is okay to let him know about that. It's possible the distraction may help.

I take it you are feeling somewhat confused and frustrated, and I am sympathetic.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi there,

I've never had someone I'm romantically and emotionally connected to grieve the loss/potential loss of another partner, until this past week. All the advice I've read online so far just says to support my partner in the way he needs to be supported. (That's easier said than done.)

So, you've been practicing polyamory for a while, but never had a partner experience a split with his other partner? It's good thing to get used to dealing with, since it's pretty darn common.

In the past couple days, he's been feeling disconnected and overwhelmed (from everything, not just me). I want to be there for him. I really do. I've asked him what he needs (at least once or twice), and he's not sure. Things are sort of in limbo. Yesterday was the hardest yet... even as he tried to be present with me, his eyes were a bit glazed and conversation felt forced.

As with anyone grieving any loss (death of a loved one, death of a pet, job loss, etc.) some people prefer to vent, some prefer some quiet time to grieve and process. It's quite common for men to withdraw and for women to seek company and feedback and comfort from others. If your bf needs alone time, it would be kind to give him that. Tell him you're there when he needs you. Check in every couple days briefly to see if he'd like company or distraction, like a fun outing, but respect his wishes either way.

If you are together, it might be more helpful just to sit quietly with him. Don't expect scintillating hilarious entertainment from him right now. And it's Christmas! Breakups during the holidays are extra hard.

He said he hated the idea of one relationship affecting other relationships. I told him that that was kind of just how it was, with any relationship model, but especially poly. Our relationship is not in a vacuum and that overflow something we should expect. I told him I wanted to support him through it.

You are correct. In poly land, we do not operate in a vacuum. Our other relationships, whether healthy or breaking up, will affect the other relationship(s). But otoh, your bf may not want or need the kind of "support" you are offering. He may need the support of alone time, for now. Maybe he'd like to spend time with his male friends just talking about sports or whatever, but being with you and your need to have him grieve out loud seems too painful for him.

This creates a lot of feelings for me, in order of intensity:
1. Worrying about his well-being and mental health as he copes with loss/potential loss of someone he loves.

Does your bf have mental health issues? Is he suicidal? (Call 911 or a suicide hotline.) If he is mentally ill, is he seeing a therapist to prevent him self harming?

If none of the above, you may be hovering too closely, and need trust him to come to terms with his loss. He may seek your company sooner than you think if you just give him space now.

2. Worrying about our own relationship falling apart because he feels so lost from this break up.

Sounds like you are "catastrophising" there. Try not to imagine worst case scenarios. Do you have any evidence that your relationship with him is so shaky and rife with problems he'd want to give you up just because he lost his other gf? Or are you just paranoid?

3. Feeling inadequate/insecure because I'm sure he's thinking about his other partner a whole lot.

This can be unpleasant. But he probably thought about his other gf a lot when they were together. If you were OK with that previously, why worry and fuss about it now?

4. Feeling like I can't state my own needs because I want to practice patience/don't want to be insensitive or demand too much from him while he deals with this potential loss.

That is healthy and mature of you. As with any friend, you would do that. If your platonic friend's mom died and she was devastated, you wouldn't ask her to go to Six Flags with you the day after the funeral. You'd seek someone else to go do that with, or postpone the trip until your friend felt better.

In this case, what are your unmet needs? Can you meet them yourself or with others until your bf feels better?

5. Worrying that my own needs will not be met and I will need to step away (and hurting a bit because this is already happening).

This relates to number 4. You feel bad he needs alone time. Respect it, and I am pretty sure he will appreciate that, and come back to you when he's ready. Don't be all up in his grill. Allow him to sit with his grief, and then finally begin to miss your presence. See what happens. Keep yourself busy doing other things so you don't dwell/obsess on his need to grieve.

6. Worrying that he would never grieve this intensely if he and I split.

Wow, this tells us something about your self esteem, or type of relationship with him. Why do you feel so inadequate and unimportant to him?

7. Feeling out of the loop/lost, as he just doesn't want to talk about what happened/is happening with his other partner.

Some people do not like to overshare with one partner about the other. If you want every detail and he prefers more privacy, this could affect the relationship going forward. Maybe he feels all you need to know are basics, that he's going on a date, that he is practicing safer sex. Maybe you are so insecure with him, you are prying into things he'd rather have just be between him and the other gf (or any other gfs going forward). You can discuss this with him later, when he is feeling up to it. Even a week from now, you could say you feel out of the loop. He may then share more, or he may not. That is his choice. You decide if you can live with it, or not.

8. Trying so hard not to feel guilty about his issues in his other relationship *and* trying not to worry about the weird mixed feelings over his potential break up.

Why would you feel guilt over something that happened between him and the other gf? Did you do something wrong or unhelpful, like try to sabotage their relationship? I don't understand your "guilt" here over something between 2 other people.

I know that there are a lot of layers to my own thoughts and feelings, that they need to be explored more. I have a lot of insecurities and jealousies I have been processing from the beginning of our relationship, and they are certainly still present. So, not only am I spending energy on him, but also on processing my own feelings. It's a bit tiring.

But I'm just not sure where to go from here. How do I bring these issues up? Should I wait until things settle down for him, or should I be more assertive in advocating for my needs? Should I spend more time processing how I feel before bringing these things up?

xoxo
Marigold

I'd say wait and give him space. Your jealousies are your baggage. Own your shit. Go to morethantwo.com and read up on jealousy. It sounds like you fear losing him quite a bit. Is there really reason to believe that, or are you coming from a scarcity/monogamy mindset and are really not comfortable with dating a poly person who can love more than one?

Are you poly and dating others or are you mono?

 

[marigold5]

So, you've been practicing polyamory for a while, but never had a partner experience a split with his other partner? It's good thing to get used to dealing with, since it's pretty darn common.

I'm fairly new to poly in practice. The past few months have been trial by fire. This is yet another instance of being realllly unsure of how to manage the situation.

As with anyone grieving any loss (death of a loved one, death of a pet, job loss, etc.) some people prefer to vent, some prefer some quiet time to grieve and process. It's quite common for men to withdraw and for women to seek company and feedback and comfort from others. If your bf needs alone time, it would be kind to give him that. Tell him you're there when he needs you. Check in every couple days briefly to see if he'd like company or distraction, like a fun outing, but respect his wishes either way.

If you are together, it might be more helpful just to sit quietly with him. Don't expect scintillating hilarious entertainment from him right now. And it's Christmas! Breakups during the holidays are extra hard.

Absolutely. I haven't pushed it with him, but it was on my mind a lot, especially when he seemed a bit distant. After talking with him today, the reason he wasn't talking about it was because he didn't know how much I wanted to hear about it. I made sure he knew that I didn't want to pressure him to talk about anything he didn't want to talk about, but that if he wanted to talk I was there for him. He opened up quite a bit after that. It was also nice for me to hear where he was at in everything.

Sounds like you are "catastrophising" there. Try not to imagine worst case scenarios. Do you have any evidence that your relationship with him is so shaky and rife with problems he'd want to give you up just because he lost his other gf? Or are you just paranoid?

This can be unpleasant. But he probably thought about his other gf a lot when they were together. If you were OK with that previously, why worry and fuss about it now?

Wow, this tells us something about your self esteem, or type of relationship with him. Why do you feel so inadequate and unimportant to him?

Yes, I'm pretty good at catastrophizing. I have some pretty intense insecurities that poly has forced to the surface in a number of different ways. I don't think it has anything to do with our relationship-- just the baggage I've picked up along the way. I'm owning it and working on it in therapy, journaling, and art.

Why would you feel guilt over something that happened between him and the other gf? Did you do something wrong or unhelpful, like try to sabotage their relationship? I don't understand your "guilt" here over something between 2 other people.

I won't pretend it's reasonable, but there was a point when I worried if my role as a catalyst for change in their relationship ultimately led to their break up. (I know, logically, that their split had nothing to do with me, but my anxiety likes me make me worry about shit I don't need to worry about.) I feel some guilt about the mixed feelings I have about their split, too.

It sounds like you fear losing him quite a bit. Is there really reason to believe that, or are you coming from a scarcity/monogamy mindset and are really not comfortable with dating a poly person who can love more than one? Are you poly and dating others or are you mono?

There's uncertainty for me here. I wonder if my anxiety is keeping me from practicing poly in a way that will actually benefit me. I wonder if the stress is too much for me to manage. Do I think someone can love more than one person? Absolutely. But there is so much processing and worrying that comes along with it. I don't want to be monogamous/exclusive either. I want to try to work through my insecurities and jealousies and whatnot. But I don't know if I can do it.

Neither my partner nor I have any other partners at this point. We both have full plates with being new to poly/dealing with the break up/growing our own relationship.

 

[marigold5]

Hi marigold5,

Your partner probably needs some breathing room as he processes this loss. Let him know you are there to listen and sympathize, then step back and let him work it out. At the same time, if you have needs he is not meeting, it is okay to let him know about that. It's possible the distraction may help.

I take it you are feeling somewhat confused and frustrated, and I am sympathetic.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you for the sympathy and validation. I was feeling quite confused and overwhelmed when I wrote this initial post, and a lot of that has subsided after talking through it with my partner.

 

[kdt26417]

It sounds like things have improved a little bit; that's good to hear.