Asking just incase I have over looked anything.

[Deleted member 157725]

I recently started a new thing with someone. We have sat and had a very clear conversation about where we are and we are friends, who sometimes need to work together to get stuff done in our community, who sometimes get intimate and have a good time. He knows he doesn't have veto rights on anything I do and he can tell me how much he wants to know.

I'm going to check up on this the next time I see them. We don't see each other on a particularly regular frequency.

He is previously monogamous and I'm following all my cautious rules which I apply when ever I find myself in this situation such as giving space, not being butthurt if they can't handle it, being very very clear.

He's said he finds the idea interesting and is taking it slowly and carefully.

Does anybody have any advice on anything I could do further that could assist to maintain this situation and minimise the amount of emotional work he needs to do?

 

[Tinwen]

We have sat and had a very clear conversation about where we are and we are friends, who sometimes need to work together to get stuff done in our community, who sometimes get intimate and have a good time. He knows he doesn't have veto rights on anything I do and he can tell me how much he wants to know.

I'm sure you checked, but just in case, what about future expectations? Does he hope/not hope for more then friends? Open to it but careful, or not open at all?

 

[Deleted member 157725]

I'm sure you checked, but just in case, what about future expectations? Does he hope/not hope for more then friends? Open to it but careful, or not open at all?

That's a really good point, I haven't checked that. I will bring that up when I next see him. What do you think is a tactful way to do that? All I can think of right now sounds like a job interview "where do you see us going in five years?" Lol

Edit: on the one hand it's got to be clear and I've done that by showing my little note of my boundari s I keepnon my phone and asked him what he's about, how do I reach this issue without coming off too formal?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi PollyNymA,

I think you've got your bases covered, carry on as you're currently doing and you will probably do well. Keep us posted on how things are progressing and we may have further advice for you.

Maybe you could ask him, "Where would you like our relationship to go in the future?"

Hope that helps,
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Deleted member 157725]

Hi all, his mono-ness has now caught up with him if you like, -!: it's ended nicely and we are still friends. Clear communication meant for once no messy arguing or the like. Was fun but done now. Thanks all

 

[kdt26417]

Hey, sorry it ended ... although at least it didn't sound like a very painful breakup. Glad you guys are still friends.

 

[Deleted member 157725]

Yeah it's fine. Not really a break up, it just seems clear to me he is no longer interested. It's all good. We were really clear to each other so it was pretty peaceful. More of a change of situation that an ending.

 

[Ravenscroft]

An odd telling... it sounds as though you had sex with a married guy, hoped for more, but it ended when he told his wife.

Is that accurate?

 

[notarobot]

Sounds like you've got the bases covered (the future thing I tend to leave to the "if you don't express this future need/desire, I can't be expected to anticipate it" bin).

The only thing I would add is that if later they get weird, has emotions you don't anticipate, expectations you didn't explicitly establish, etc, it's not on you to solve/meet them. You can, if you want to, and value that relationship enough to do so, but if they go outside of that range of explicit communication which you've so clearly reasonably established, it's on them : ).

That said, it's also very useful if you are able to anticipate problems with expectations etc to talk about them before they come a problem. An ounce of prevention right?

 

[Magdlyn]

An odd telling... it sounds as though you had sex with a married guy, hoped for more, but it ended when he told his wife.

Is that accurate?

Not sure where you're getting that from at all! I assumed he was a single guy, previously mono, with potential to be poly friendly.

 

[Deleted member 157725]

An odd telling... it sounds as though you had sex with a married guy, hoped for more, but it ended when he told his wife.

Is that accurate?

No that's no where near what happened. Where did you get that from?